Dear Mr. Red Chevy Suburban with white Indiana license plate [deleted]:
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I saw you this afternoon in traffic in Hamilton County.
At 3:43 p.m., to be exact.
And I felt compelled to write to you.
Considering the bags under your puffy eyes, the ample spare tire of fat under your already plump man breasts, the vacant, slightly piggy expression on your bloated white middle-aged face, the smudged out-of-fashion eyeglasses sitting atop your flushed, acne-ridden, pasty, unshaven, scabrous skin, the flabby pale hairy arms, the sausage-like stubby fingers with dirt-encrusted fingernails..... yes, I knew you were clearly a man who was well aware of just what a catch he was to any worthy women of the world who were lucky enough to attract your precious attention.
The white fuzzy dice hanging from your greasy, fingerprint-covered rearview mirror, the thick layer of dust, mud, pollution, and general neglect desperately trying to hide the flaking ancient red paint still clinging to the rusted hull of your late-80's/early 90's vintage vehicle, all confirmed that you were a class act indeed.
As my heart rate increased upon viewing such a grand specimen of proud Hoosier manhood, I was not surprised, therefore, to see that the loud, possibly muffler-less red Suburban being driven by a man of your cultivation, sophistication, education, and impeccable taste was also sporting a NO FAT CHICKS bumper sticker, without the slightest hint of irony.
Since you undeniably have your pick of all the desirable women alive, you clearly MEANT it.
As you pulled up at the light at US 31 and US 32 in Carmel/Westfield today (Monday Sept 28th), I desperately wished that I had my camera with me.
You see, after having weighed everywhere from 117 lbs. to 160 and back to 125 lbs. as an adult female, I am now keen to create my own bumper sticker for my shiny, well-maintained, shiny, recent vintage (not the first Bush administration) car.
Do you think I can fit NO UGLY MISOGYNIST EVIL CLUELESS SMELLY NASTY CAVE-DWELLING STUPID THROWBACK MOTHERFUCKERS on one line or two?
Obesity can be a temporary state; even ignorance can be a temporary state. However, being a mean-spirited, unattractive, soulless moron is apparently permanent.
- Location: US31 & US32 going west
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests