Okay office hell poster.
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How do you not go to work and assault your fucking co-workers? How the HELL does your managing partner let this happen? Is he/she fucking one of them? Are the related? This sounds likes an unprofessional/micro-managed office environment.
Many years ago I worked at an office and one of those shiny happy bitches started working for us. She only work 30 hours a week doing the books. She had no formal education but constantly reminded us her husband had a PHD (not a real doctor). She has never stepped foot into a college classroom. No, she wasn't hot, she's dated him since high school. She'd often drop the line "I'm married to a doctor".
She would stroll into the office everyday signing songs. Annoying songs like a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down" or "hey, everybody its Friday, it's Friday - f-r-i-d-aaaaaaaa-y". She had this screeching laugh that sounded like a chipmunk on X. tee-hhee-he, tee-heee-ha.
I wanted to gouge her eyes out with my pen. She would stop by my office and try to make small talk. She talked non-stop about her dog and how much she loved her dog. Her dog dies she takes a week off of work and has an anxiety attack when she returns and the dog’s photo is sitting on her desk.
She was obsessed with cleanliness. She brought her own cups, forks, plates to the office since she wasn't sure if our dishwasher was truly sanitizing the dishes. My co-worker asked her how she could stand having an intimate relationship with her husband. She said that they ALWAYS used condom and took a bath before and after they made love. I tried to be nice and asked did she have some sort of blood disorder or get sick easily, etc. She didn’t she just thought germs were “icky”.
When she went to the bathroom she would flush the commode about 3 times prior to using the bathroom. Then she would roll and wad of toilet paper to wipe with. She would then flush the commode about 3 more times, sometimes more. My co-worker and I would use the bathroom at the same time and hear this all go on. So once I asked her why she did this whole routine. She said it was just habit and she felt she was helping clear the pluming.
One of us had to go.
I took a memo from our building management and copied the letterhead. I proceed to write up a memo and put it in everyone's in-box and in the ladies bathroom stalls that read:
“Due to the excessive flushing in the 16th floor bathroom the 15th floor has been flooded. It has caused over 1.2 million dollars worth of damage. The building inspector believes the flushing to be of a malicious nature. We are requesting that you contact us with any information...”
She stopped using the bathroom on our floor and slunk around all weird for about 2 weeks. I found out she was crying in the office managers office scared she was going to go to jail so they called the management office and found out it was a joke. It was fantastic.
I got an outstanding job offer from a competitor so I left a few weeks later. This chick kept her OWN candy dish on her desk. She was afraid of weird finger touch her candy and refused to share them with anyone. The day before I left I walked into her office and opened every single Hershey kiss in the bowl and her supply bag and licked them, wrapped them up and put them in the bowl and supply bag. My co-worked whose office was across the hall would laugh her ass off every time that chick ate a piece of candy.
Strangely enough I did run into her a few months ago as I was leaving the museum. She looked like she saw a ghost and ran off.
PS. Bring it on haters. I licked your candy too.