I am looking for a terrible boyfriend for one week to restore my happiness in being single. Now that school has started again I find myself in classes where 80% of my classmates are either married/engaged/in a relationship. I was content to be single all summer but now that I have been exposed to all these happy people in relationships, I'm starting to wonder if I need one too.
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In my head, I know I don't, but let's make this concrete with an experience. This is where you come in. I need you around for one week in the role of a bad boyfriend to renew my glee in being single.
My requirements of you:
-You are attractive. Sorry, but if this is to work out for me, you have to be a pretty boy who is nice to look at but a total dick otherwise.
-Be very needy. Call me several times a day, checking where I am, who I'm with, etc.
-Have poor or no manners. When we go out, I want you to not use your napkin, tip poorly or not at all, never open doors, that sort of thing.
-It would be nice if you have politically conservative leanings so we can get into fun arguments
-Stare at other girls when we're out together. Bonus points for flirting with them.
-Don't listen when I talk, and interrupt me when you can.
-Insist on driving us everywhere, but proceed to get so drunk that I have to drive your car or call a taxi.
-Wear ugly clothes, or at least clothing inappropriate for every occasion.
-Have wildly inaccurate information and unfounded opinions. It is your mission that you are right about everything.
-Steal something of mine. I will set out one designated thing that you must steal from my house. You will steal this and nothing else.
-Don't be too upset when I end things after a week (and part of this deal is that I am the one to break things off). You know what you're getting into and do not form any untoward bond.
After the week is up we can either be friends and laugh about this, or we can pretend that we've never met and ignore each other if we happen to meet in a public place.
What do you get out of it?
At least 5 nights out (you pay your half, sorry. I am not rich). One stolen item (of my choosing). A good story to tell people later. Satisfaction that you are also single. A chance to vent your spleen. A dissatisfying tryst for both of us.
You'd be a fool to pass up this opportunity!