I am a taxi driver and conduct myself in a professional manner at all times but I certainly understand road rage.
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I expect the worst from Colorado drivers and I am rarely disappointed.
I have been reading about road rage on Craig’s List and I do have a few pointed observations.
If people are honking, flashing their lights and shaking their fists at you perhaps you should reevaluate some of your driving habits.
Here are a few pointers.
When sitting at a red light please don’t redo your makeup, read a newspaper, change your clothes, masturbate, give head to your passenger, allow your passenger to give YOU head or begin distracting activities that may cause you to be otherwise occupied when the light turns green.
When the light actually turns green there shouldn’t be a deliberative process necessary before you STEP ON THE GAS.
The roads are overcrowded as it is and all it takes is a couple of retards sitting and staring at a green light for 15 or 20 seconds to start a chain reaction behind them that leads to what we call VOLUME SLOWING.
If you are in the left lane and you want to drive at a leisurely pace, I understand. GET IN THE RIGHT LANE. This is the lane for slower traffic.
If you are driving in the left lane and you are dead even with the guy in the right lane, YOU ARE FUCKING UP.
There are people behind you with appointments to keep, jobs to go to or who may have an urgent need to use the bathroom. Please move to the right and let them get about their business.
I don’t know how many times I’ve had to sit and listen to my fare grind his or her teeth because there are three flaming A-holes side by side leisurely driving down the road 15 or 20 miles below the speed limit.
MERGE RIGHT ASS HAT! My meter is running and you are COSTING MY PASSENGER MONEY.
Some of the people passing you may exceed the speed limit in doing so.
This is perfectly legal but even if it wasn’t please remember, YOU ARE NOT A LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER. We have paid professionals who are perfectly capable of enforcing the law and YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THEM.
By intentionally slowing traffic you ARE BREAKING THE LAW and may be ticketed for this violation.
If you are in the right lane and someone in the left lane is signaling to get over LET UP ON THE GAS. I don’t know how many times I have put on my signal for thirty or forty seconds and tried to merge right only to experience a blaring horn and upraised finger from some retard who has been pacing me in my blind spot for the last mile or two.
Just for the record, this is why so many people fail to signal turns and “cut you off”. They know that as soon as you see the turn signal you will probably sit your passive aggressive ass directly in the way and stay there for as long as possible.
About being “cut off”. The only people who are “cut off” are those who REFUSE TO YIELD. You do not own the road and must share it with about a million other drivers. Get good with this fact or move out to Busted Dick Colorado where your driving won’t raise eyebrows and tempers.
There are other distractions that interfere with the flow of traffic that you should learn to deal with in a mature and proactive fashion like accidents.
Accidents happen but unless you are a medical professional who is slowing down in order to stop and render aid KEEP MOVING.
I’m not advocating blasting through police diversions at 60 miles an hour but there is no need to slow down to a crawl when passing an accident,
RUBBERNECK’S CAUSE ADDITIONAL ACCIDENTS so if you and your voyeur family don’t want to become a part of the roadside tragedy you are gaping at, GET A MOVE ON.
The same goes for other roadside diversions including break downs, pretty girls getting ticketed, accidents on THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET, emergency vehicles going in the opposite direction on a divided road and related events,
If you are driving in the mountains and you see that there are 20 or 30 people piled up behind you, PULL OFF TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND LET THEM PASS.
Sooner or later it’s going to snow. For those of you with no winter driving experience snow is the white stuff that falls from the sky. IT IS FROZEN WATER and is often quite slippery. THIS IS THE TIME TO SLOW DOWN.
GET IN THE RIGHT LANE and let the people who want to drive fast do so,
For those of you who own vehicles with 4-wheel drive, great! 4-wheel drive will give you great traction in the snow BUT IT WILL NOT HELP YOU STOPPING!
I don’t know how many times I have been passed in a blizzard by shiny 4-wheel drive vehicles going 30 or 40 miles an hour over the safe limit for driving only to see them piled into a bridge abutment a mile or so up the road.
Clearly if you’ve just polished off a 12 pack you should be riding with me.
We all have cell phones nowadays. If you have one, get a headset, you need both hands to drive.
If you’re having an argument with your sweetie, PULL OVER and finish it in a parking lot instead of the middle of an intersection.
In conclusion. I don’t care what kind of self-absorbed butt nugget you are in the rest of your life please remember that you are piloting a couple of tons of metal glass and plastic around the road.
Try to rise above your vile self just long enough to get from A to B without pissing every other driver on earth off and we’ll all be a lot happier and some of us may live a little longer.
Thank you in advance for your fine cooperation.