Originally Posted: 2006-12-30 3:46am
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favorite this post An Open Letter to My Girlfriend's Cat hide this posting unhide

Listen, I get that you're a cat. I'm actually OK with all that. I like not having to take you on 5am walks or to pry a slobbery, grass-caked tennis ball out of your food hole only to throw it again so that you can have a cheap thrill. You're above all that. But still... gimme a break, shithead!

It's like, I'm minding my own business, asleep in my bed, totally dreaming about pizza, and you lay down on my face! Hey, ass butt, news flash: I need that to breath and live! Don't sleep on it! Shit! Also I can smell your butt when you do that, because your idiot moron cat brain makes you think that I might actually WANT to smell it (which I totally don't) so you deftly position it right in front of my nose. Here's a shocker, my friend - your butt smells bad! It smells like a butt that just got pooped out of! DIARRHEA pooped out of. I'm no vet, but you should get that checked out. I know the whole barbed johnson thing makes gettin' some a bit less complicated for you, but I can tell you from personal experience that girls don't want to be constantly reminded that you have an asshole and poop comes out of it.

While I'm on the topic of excretion, I can't help but notice that you scramble to jump head-first into the toilet every time I'm in the middle of peeing into it. One day I'll actually let you go ahead and do it, because you don't seem to want to learn that lesson the easy way. Your best bet is to stay on the outside looking in... things aren't as glamorous in there as you seem to think. Still, having to leave the toilet seat lid down to protect you from making an enormous (albeit inevitable) mistake is getting old. WAY old.

What the frick is that awful sound you make? Are you meowing or gargling or what? Make up your damn mind! I understand that cats make a few different sounds, but you try to fit them all into one breath, and it sounds like vomit passing through a 3rd-grader's hand-me-down flutaphone. Pick a sound and stick with that, but NOT at 4am, and NOT while you're sleeping on my face with your stinky anus under my nose, you slut.

Listen, genius, when a door to a room is closed, that means that there is no physical way for you to get into that room, no matter how bad you might want to. I see that you're able to fit a paw under the door, but try as you might (and you always do), your entire body will NOT fit through the crack under the door. Fatty. Trust me on this one!

Do you even understand the concept of eating? Food goes in your mouth, you chew it, then you swallow it. In that order. It's a fairly intuitive and innate process; or so I would've thought, until I spent a few days hanging around with YOUR ass. You seem to prefer going through several rounds of chewing food and spitting it back out onto the floor before you decide on some pieces you might be interested in swallowing. Also, swallow what's in your mouth before you drink out of your water bowl. I'm sorry, it's just good manners. It's probably also important for you to understand that when you open your mouth to drink, whatever was in there will FALL BACK OUT if you haven't swallowed it yet. Cat food probably tastes gross enough without you ruining a cool, refreshing water dish with tuna flavoring. Get a life.

You have the most pungent and repulsive feces of any animal I've ever heard of, living or dead, real or imaginary. If I could bottle that scent, it could easily be used as biological warfare. I'm serious, we could end this skirmish in the middle east with the contents of the plastic baggie sitting on my front porch waiting for the garbageman. I didn't know it was possible to turn cat food and water into something that actually smells far, far worse than cat food. Nice work. Ass.

I don't hate you, buddy. You're cute, and occasionally heartwarming. But damn! Don't drink disgusting flowerpot water! Also don't do the other things I've mentioned here. Seriously, don't.

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