Originally Posted: 2009-10-22 3:18pm
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favorite this post I'll admit it...you got to me... hide this posting unhide

Dear anonymous craigslist poster looking for love:

Your title was catchy. I was intrigued. I would like to respond to your post, and give you a little insight as to my own personal reaction to your personal ad. I thought your preamble was nice, before you launched into a laundry list of what you would like in a woman:

1. Will always be on time or will call when she's be late - Okay. That's reasonable. Sounds good.

2. Will fall asleep in my arms as I read stories to her - Sounds kinda romantic. Can I choose the story?

3. Will let me spoon and rock her to sleep - Spooning sounds alright, but I think the last time I was rocked to sleep I was in diapers...

4. Will spend an entire day perusing book stores looking for anything - Sure!

5. Will trust my judgment - Is this a pre-requisite? 'Cause I gotta get to know you a little before I trust your judgement. I know very few people who's judgement I trust entirely.

6. Will trust me to tell her the truth when she asks how does this look? - Oh dear. I get the feeling you don't like to play that little bullshit game...most men don't. Do you expect me to change my outfit if you don't approve of it? Would you change yours, if you trusted me to give an honest opinion? I have a feeling you would pull out that little "accept me as I am" card.

7. Will let me make her soup when she is sick - You betcha. Why is this a problem? It's only common courtesy, and I would do the same for you.

8. Will let me give her my jacket when she is cold - Aww. Sweet. I trust you will tell me the truth when I ask you how it looks on me.

9. Will let me brush and pull her hair - mmmmkay...so far, I'm getting read stories, being rocked to sleep, being told what looks good on me or not....and now you are brushing my hair....will my hair be getting pulled because you are trying to put pigtails on me? I think you secretly want a daughter....

10. Will ask my opinion on makeup and clothes- Yup, I'll ask, but I'm beginning to not trust your judgement..( oops. just screwed up request # 5...) why you gotta be so choosy as to how I present myself? Are you sure you don't want a daughter? Hey, look, whatever man, lots of guys of craigslist are into that...they are just prepared to spend money on it.

11. Will entertain my friends- Fer sure! Its a win-win situation! Your friends are gonna LOVE me, since you have personally molded me into your version of dream girl fembot. Is there a pole that I dance on? Or do I just wear a boyfriend-approved apron and serve nachos and beer while y'all are playing video games? Hey, can my friends come over?

12. Will have a life away from me- I guess that answers my question from #11.

13. Will let me be proud of her- I, for the life of me, don't understand how this can be an issue. Did you manage to damage some girls self-esteem so much that she hated herself?

14. Will flirt with others but leave with me- That way, you can rub it into every other guys face that this dreamgirl fembot is YOUR bitch.

15. Will appreciate my off kilter sense of humor- Does this mean you will find a funny way to tell me I look fat in my jeans? Laughter heals all.

16. Will let me kiss her just the way I want to- Yeah, I agree there's give-and take in any physical relationship. What if the way you kiss doesn't turn me on?

17. Will be strong enough to stand on her own yet let me help take of her- I'm strong enough to stand on my own. Good career, financially stable, a supportive network of family and friends. I think what you really meant to say was " Will be strong enough to stand on her own, but let me tell her what to do..." Good luck with that.

18. Will teach me something I don't know- Easy. Did you know Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an Alligator? Whew. I passed!

19. Will let me make her dinner- Yup. I think we should share that chore, actually. Oh, you mean you wanted to do it occasionally? I guess I'm making it most of the time....

20. Will enjoy quiet time in the evenings with me- Of course. As long as I'm wearing boyfriend approved clothes and makeup, and not too exhausted from making dinner, standing on my own, and entertaining your friends.

21. Will think of me when she touches herself- Now you want to control how I masturbate? Jesus. I can only promise you that I'll think of you most of the time, because I've had this one fantasy I've been furiously rubbing the pink to for about five years...damn. Okay, I'll give it all up, as long as you promise to censor your random sexy thoughts as well...

22. Will speak highly of me when I am not around- Insecure much?

23 Will slow dance with me to Classic Motown songs- I can do that! Yay me!

24 Will accept my compliments with grace- Why the hell wouldn't I? They sound like they are going to be few and far between...

25 Will do what she chooses not what other people say she should- Everyone except you, of course. Because I trust your judgement, see?

26. Will have a between being selfless and selfish- I think I know what you are saying here. I believe that's called normal. I'm down with that. Ditto.

27. Will let me hold her hand when walking- Yes. That's sweet. Wait a minute...does it have to be ALL THE TIME?

28. Will let me make love to her- Check.

29. Will let me have sex with her- Double check.

30. Will let me fuck her- I see we have found some common ground. I simply adore fucking.

31. Will let me show her the face of God- Okay, what? Yer buddies with GOD? Dammit all, why don't you ask him to make you a woman, then? Just kidding. I know the whole "face of God' thing is just a figure of speech. Does this have anything to do with all the lovemaking/sex/fucking talk? Sounds a wee bit narcissistic....the only thing I can offer you is to take a journey of self-exploration together.....I guess that just doesn't cut it.

32. Will understand a true artist- Oh shit. That means I'll be supporting us. Glad I'm a woman that can stand on my own, and piggy-back the guy who wants to help take care of me.

33. Will let me be me- Hmm. Does that mean I should accept the fact your crusty socks and paint soaked clothes are going to be tossed all over the house? Can I be me? Some have taken a rather dim view of my acrid wit over the years...but you will love me for me, right?

34. Will have little to no expectations of me- Okay, here's the kicker. This is really what got me going on this. So far, I count 34 expectations you have of me, and we haven't finished going through all of your requests. This doesn't seem very fair. Is this your off-kilter humor shining through?

35. Will appreciate that I love the little things in life- As do I dammit, but some things cost money. Just because your an artist, and can apparently show me the face of God does not mean I'm going to foot the bill ALL the time.

36. Will never drive drunk- No shit. That's pretty serious, and I am sorry for you if you have ever lost anybody due to someone else's stupidity.

37. Will look me in the eye when she says I love you- You have been lied to by someone. Again, I feel sorry for you.

38. Will compliment other women that look good- Yes, I appreciate beauty. However, that does not mean I want a threesome. Nor does it mean I will tolerate you constantly checking out other women in front of me. You only think of me when you jerk off, right? Hypocrite.

39. Will enjoy a night at the theatre or a ho down equally- I think that's whats considered a Freudian slip, right there. Refer to #38.

40. Will encourage me to accomplish the impossible- Oh, for fucks sakes. First, you want to be my daddy, and now I'm supposed to mother you. Hey, I'm all for pursuing dreams, but if you are screwing up my financial security while chasing down your dreams, I will seriously have to kick your ass. Who the hell are you? Richard Heene?

41. Will let me adore her- If you ever find a woman like this, I will be the first in line to adore her.

42. Will share her dreams with me- Okay, so lets refer to #40 here. Will you encourage me to accomplish the impossible, or am I simple allowed to share my dreams, and be the anchor while you pursue yours?

43. Will be proud of me- I think its natural to be proud of the person you love. I also think its natural to love someone unconditionally. It seems like your asking for a lot and not really giving a lot in return.

44. Will know I will do all these things and more for her- Pardon me for being nit-picky here, but out of the above list of 42 items, I see only five or six where you will be willing to do anything. Seriously, how hard is it to "let you be proud of me?" The rest of this list is not-so-clever demands. That's false advertising, my friend.

45. Will appreciate that I took the time to write this- Look at that. You are already looking for applause...because you wrote a personal ad, outlining all the things you want in a woman. People do that every damn day. I have a feeling that if I were ever in a long term relationship with you, I'd constantly be reminded of how you made me soup back in 2009 when I was down with H1N1.

Best of luck in your search for love and happiness.

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