I saw you in the produce section at Jewel tonight. You were the tall, hot guy with the black baseball cap. I was the subtle seductress turned spazzy, falling, swearing girl, who was holding a rather large cucumber in my hand.
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Listen, I know what it looked like but you got the wrong idea there, Rico. In defense of myself, I am usually quite charming given the right situation (as illustrated by my calm, cool, collectiveness when you gave me the “sup” face, over by the grapes) and while it is not unusual for me to also kick around the funny once in a while, the 5 minutes of comedic entertainment provided to you via my public humiliation, was purely unintentional.
Let's review: As you recall, all hell did not break loose until you turned your attention from eye-fucking me to the (aforementioned) cylindrical object in my hands. I was aware of its girth, which is why I may have been looking at it in a curious way. That smirk on your face said it ALL and had I not been flustered/appauled by your suggestive expression, I wouldn’t have fumbled to put that bitch of a cuke back on its pile, which initiated the collapse of a few others only to get T-boned (slightly) by that guy’s cart while stooping to pick them up.
I am okay now and wanted to tell you that laughing was unnecessary. Laughing? My god. How old are you? I do not believe you were in ANY position to do so considering that you had Spam, Jewel crackers and a toilet bowl brush in your cart. Not to mention a cell phone that played "When the Saints go Marching In." Which reminds me, your ringer was WAY TOO LOUD and drew alot of attention to your conversation. Did I hear you say you got the "clear" from the Doc for what turned out to be "just an allergic reaction." Such "reactions tend occur on or around "the face or genitals." As if this were not amusing enough...your face seemed to be rather "allergy-free."
Anyway, Itchy Nuts, should you be reading this I wanted to clarify that the vegetable I was holding was absolutely a *component to be considered in a mixture of cooking* and NOT anything I was planning to violate myself with. You are a sick, si-cko for even associating anything of that magnitude with an aperture into a body cavity. And for the record, I ALWAYS have my shit together, or at the least stored in close proximity. You just caught me off guard, fucker.