Originally Posted: 2005-07-11 9:28am
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favorite this post The greatest patio sale since mankind first crawled out of the muck hide this posting unhide

Hey there, troupers!

Is this your ordinary patio sale, this thing of ours ("la costa nostra")? No it is not. For one thing, it is on a patio. For another thing, there is a possiblity that if you buy enough things, I will give you free beer or food. And for a third thing, it is, as noted, the greatest patio sale since mankind first crawled out of the muck.

When is it? It is Saturday, July 23rd and Sunday, July 24th of 2005 from 9AM to 5PM or so.

Where is it? It is in beautiful Albany Park on Chicago's northwest side, at 4029 N. Francisco, on the 2nd floor patio (approach via the alleyway).

What will be available for cheap? OH SO MANY THINGS! As an aging hipster moving into a new apartment, I have nearly a decade of accumulated garbage to foist upon you, the buying public. And at prices so low, you will think I am some sort of idiot, cretin or mentally unbalanced special needs individual! For example what? This what!

AUDIO COMPACT DISCS. Collected by a local oaf who gave no consideration to the possibility that saving money for retirement would be a better financial decision, this vast selection of popular (Keiji Haino), obscure (“The Beatles”), and toe-tapping (The Shaggs) music of the last 100 years is sure to delight young and old. Due to bizarre personality defects on the part of the former owner, these do not come in their original packaging, but they are still eminently listenable, and yours for, well, a song. Hundreds to choose from, $1/each.

BARBEQUE IMPLEMENTS. Summer is here, and that means it’s time to kill an animal and sear its raw flesh over a roaring fire! This complete set of tongs, skewers, forks, brushes, and clamps not only are made from real wood, and not only bear the faint odor and appearance of long-ago-digested meals, but can also be used for torturing humans, or for cooking vegetables if you’re a total puss. $3 for all.

COMPUTER MEMORY. Do you have a used Macintosh home computing system? Is it unable to remember its social security number? Are you willing to purchase memory upgrades that have been sitting in a dusty box in my basement for over two years? Take a chance. Your computer could be almost twice as fast (though still slow) for the price of a venti double Americano. $5 for two.

FESTIVE HOMUNCULUS. Foot-tall representation in unnamed puffy acrylic of Father Christmas, complete with fake-looking beard, lunatic expression, and spatulate hands. Perfect for terrifying children, amusing cats or baffling foreigners. 50¢.

FLINTSTONES NOVELTY GLASSES. Imagine that the Flintsones were real. Imagine that they somehow managed to win the lottery. Imagine that, as a result, they replace the bone-and-hide drinking glasses they normally use for fine crystal replicas of the bone-and-hide drinking glasses they normally use. Now imagine no more, and buy instead! Perfect for nerds, pointless nostalgia enthusiasts, and cavemen with exquisite taste. $1/pair.

FOOD PULVERIZER. Hailing from the fashionable Hamilton Beach area of southern Wackamolia, this motorized dingbat in delicate off-cream is designed to receive edible foodstuffs and reduce them to pulverized, blended, sliced, chopped and/or julienned states of nature. Perfectly functional, but aesthetically marred by the presence of a melted plastic corner, the tragic legacy of a failed relationship with an abusive toaster. $5.

GERMAN-LANGUAGE “ILLUMINATI” CARDS. If you are like most people, you have a dear friend from Switzerland, Austria or Germany who greatly enjoys playing conspiracy-based collectible card games. So you know how hard they are to shop for! Well, worry no more: this is the ideal gift for the Nordic game nerd in your life. $2 for a full set plus a dumpload of blank cards.

“HIP” BLENDER. This perfectly functional blender is either an authentic antique or is trying very hard to convince us that it is. Real glass bowl, smooth space-age Bakelite frontispiece and quad blades that come within a few yards of being sharp all included. Perfect for serving frou-frou tropical drinks to your insufferable hipster friends. $2.50.

POSSIBLY BROKEN TAMAGOTCHI KNOCKOFF. Remember Tamagotchis? Come on, sure you do. They were the hottest gadget in the world for about ten minutes about a decade ago. Well, if you want to cash in on future nostalgia before it happens, buy this thing! It’s a fake gray-market Tamagotchi on a keychain, and if you can somehow pry it open without breaking it in order to replace the battery, perhaps it will bring joy to someone’s life again. Come on! Take a chance. 50¢.

PUNK ROCK SKATEBOARD. Whether you’re a hardcore grinder, a person with an annoying little brother, or an aging punk rocker desperately trying to recapture your faded youth, this is what you’ve been looking for. A sturdy Valtera Electrick-Flo festooned with stickers championing no-longer-extant punk bands and capable of supporting even the heftiest of sullen teens, this memorable antique, which once rolled alongside several members of Jodie Foster’s Army, can be yours for a mere $5.

TATTERED UNDERGARMENTS. Are you man enough to buy used underwear from the man who once wore them? Are you man enough to exchange real cash money for ragged bits of cloth that once touched someone else’s genital and excretory organs? Are you man enough to hand over your hard-earned jack for a fat man’s underpants while he sits there, smiling enigmatically? Then this is the item for you. 10¢/pair.

UNFASHIONABLE CLOTHING. When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore; and when I get rid of clothes because they’re not cool enough, that’s unfashionable. A vast selection available, featuring tattered and out-of-date dress shirts, decades-old ‘ironic’ t-shirts, and denim jeans that remove all doubt regarding how fat I really am. 50¢ each.

VIALS OF MYSTERY. Two small glass vials with plastic screw-caps, with a holding capacity of perhaps four ounces. Were they once used in a nefarious scientific experiment? Did they once serve to cook methamphetamine or transport cocaine? Could they have held a Potion of Giant Strength? The only way to solve the mystery…is to buy them! 25¢ for both.

VIDEO CASSETTES. Before there were flimsy, easy-to-ruin DVDs, home video entertainment was conveyed by these bulky, easy-to-ruin VHS tapes. A wide selection available: incomprehensible Japanese animation, hardcore pornography, and a few popular movies from the mid-1990s, just before digital video discs became the norm. Buy a dozen and get a free soda! $1/each.

WORTHLESS COMPUTER COMPONENTS. Since the former owner went through computers like most people go through toilet paper, he managed to accumulate astonishing piles of hi-tech gewgaws. These include the useful and functional (wireless keyboard, contact mic), the ubiquitous and dull (optical mouse, network cable), and the completely useless (five-foot phone cords, SCSI plugs, full-up hard drives in bulky space-taking casings). Just the thing for someone who wants to build a really bad, slow, out-of-date PC from scratch. Nothing over $5 or under 10¢.

Come one! Come all! This patio sale will blow your head to the back of the ballroom!

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