1. The Cubs/Sox posters. There is a special place in hell reserved for you two, and it is filled with junkmail that you must endlessly open only to find offers for porcelain figurines and coffee table books about small dogs. Your anger and frustration with these offers will increase exponentially and ad infinitum. Your only break from the junkmail will be when you are forced to watch ice dancing narrated by scott hamil while being assfucked by Jose Canseco.
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2. The Personal Ad Reviewer. You regularly post people's personals on R&R creating a confluence of two worlds where people do not need to interact and inject your pointless and insulting commentary. Contemplate looking into a mirror while holding a mirror in your hand and having a large booger dangling from your nose. Now pull it out and wipe it on the mirror. Notice the image does not improve nor enlighten you to anything new about the booger. Stop being a booger.
3. "CL Celebrities". The ire of so many posters can only mean one thing - you are the ultimate punching bag for thousands of invisible fists that desire to punish you for your egotistical need to announce your presence. You defend yourself so vehemently that yet another string of posts about you is generated, making you all the happier. My advice is to go fart in someone's office - perhaps it will get you noticed more than you are here.
4. The "I Call Bullshit" Guy. Like so many of life's self-appointed referree's, you should be forced to a constant barrage of corrections and criticisms. My hope is that you marry a decided bitch who brings you hell on high heels until your heart finally gives out under the constant refrain of her calling bullshit. You've beaten this horse to glue. Aye Carumba, indeed.
5. The Blog Pluggers. Congratulations, you have a blog. So does my 13 year old nephew. His is funnier. Go back to your blog. If you're not finding the readership you want there, concede that your ideas are dogshit, your writing is uninteresting and get another hobby. Model airplanes are a fine way to spend your spare time and hardly annoy anyone. Make friends at the hobby shop. A life of quiet happiness awaits you.
6. The Utterly Clueless. What does Chad/Trixie mean? What is the whole Top/Bottom thing about? What Does NSA mean? Why do gay guys want straight guys? What is my own asshole for? Seriously, you are on your mindless merry way to a death worthy of the Darwin Award. Maps were made to confuse you, your friends chuckle at how the mildest confusion has you grasping at air and your mother worries daily that you will walk directly into oncoming traffic. I am deeply sorry for you, but I know that stopping to give you directions or answer your childish questions will only speed you on your journey into oblivion.
7. Desperately Lonely Seekers of Love. You just can't seem to find the one. You regularly seek redress of your grievances from R&R. You get the shit squeezed out of you by the vicous bastards on this board and cry foul. For your information, there is a multibillion dollar industry out there trying to help you find love, while there are approximately 200 people here who merely want to mindfuck you into submission and proclaim that you're actually a 50 year old fat pedophile who stuffs twinkies in his ass for kicks. Seems a simple solution, but alas, simplicity is not your drug of choice.
8. No Fat Chicks, Inc. Seriously, you guys ought to get a corporate charter and just institutionalize your hatred of women who do not look the same as they did when they were 10. It escapes your analysis that, ahem, tastes vary. Which means, somewhere out there, in the vast sea of humanity we all swim in, there is a beautiful, thin, brilliant and sexy woman who thinks you are the most hideous creature to ever escape the womb.
9. The Public Defender. Your nobility is a thing a beauty, and you regularly defend the weak and wronged of Rants and Raves by confronting their attackers as racist, sexist, homphobic, religious or, god help us, republican. I secretly want to be as brave and warm-hearted as you, but I treasure the opportunity to malign the weak and wronged, so I can't stand you. You should read Don Quixote. You will fucking love the guy.
10. Me. Yes, I am certainly one of the most annoying people on this board. I don't do polls, or submit questionnaires for your response, but I moralize like a kentucky minister and over-think your every twitch towards lunacy to the point of psycho-therapy mixed with an unhealthy portion of nicomachean ethics. I never ask for best-of rating, but I craft each post in the hopes that yet another of my brilliant gems of wit and sarcasm will arrive there nonetheless and by honest means. Most of all, I actually like this place, after two and a half years and more arguments about the same thing than a room full of Alzheimer patients, and I return, everyday, in hopes of finding something slightly less boring than my job.