ME: I'm a machine, a Goddamn monster, bloodthirsty. Willing to work 180 hours a week on the stupidest, most pointless shit. Do you have pleadings that need just a little "tweaking" because, despite how you act around friends and co-workers, you're actually a shitty writer? Well, yes, I can re-write those and then eat shit while you take all the credit. Got a contract that you could really handle yourself, but you'd be happier tossing off some of the actual work to a shit eating loser? Yes, I can turn comments on those at 2 a.m. Got some documents that need review? I'm your fucking man. I'll do doc review until I'm blue in the face; I will sit there doing doc review until my prostate explodes. Why? BECAUSE I NEED A GODDAMN JOB. Don't get me wrong: I've given up hope of ever being successful. Law school destroyed me and destroyed my life. I'm fucked forever, I know that. But my girlfriend will leave me if I don't get a job fast and she's the only thing I've got going in the world. Seriously, I'll be out on the fucking street and I won't even care. I might go live in a box or get a canoe and go out into the ocean to die of exposure.
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YOU: I don't give a fuck so long as you pay me. You can be a baby-eating republican or a flag-burning democrat. I don't care. John Edwards, I would LOVE to work for your new firm. You could even be doing some freaky Saul Goodman shit and I wouldn't care. Why? Because I've given up. I thought for a while that I could be an attorney and NOT be a shit bag, but I get it now that it's not possible. So take a look in the mirror and, if you see a fat, soulless, life sucking, miserable, cocksucker who is so miserable that you want to ruin someone else's life, send shitty emails and call in the middle of the night to complain about work that just has to be done in the morning, or to complain about how everything is wrong and awful and so I'll have to do it over and over, or even if you want to make fun of my sexuality/ethnicity/disability/face to make yourself feel better about your lost youth, then give me a call.
I can't wait to hear from you!
- Location: Chicago
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