Congratulations! You're getting married!
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There must be many things on your mind right now. There are certainly many details to work out. Worries, concerns, nervousness...
One nagging issue in particular I can assist you with.
Perhaps you were a bookish academic in college, and never went to fraternity parties.
Maybe you were shy, and didn't get out much, but finally found that special someone to spend your life with.
Or could it be... Your family is too controling and manipulative, and you want to send the right "get the fuck out of our new life together" message?
Whatever the reason, you and your mate-to-be have arrived at one unmistakeable conclusion:
You need a raucous, boorish, unruly drunk guy at your wedding.
And behold, you have found him.
But don't take my word for it. Here are just a few testimonials as to my prowess:
I am "such a drunk that he often accepts shots bought from his students." -- A former student (He got an A, on an entirely unrelated note.)
I will "provide companionship to the needy as well as those who want not." I "socialize indiscriminantly" when drunk. -- A favorite drinking buddy (I got drunk in front of his old roommate the first time they met.)
I am "really annoying when he's drunk... in a cute way." -- This girl I've been seeing (She can drink me under the table, too. She doesn't like weddings, but if it's casual dress, you might be able to get her to go. Maaaaan that would be wild.)
A few facts for you to consider:
- I have only been defeated once in an Irish boilerplate competition, and only then due to excessive Indian food *
- In fact, on another occasion, I tried to do a boilerplate with the Indian restaurant waiter, but there was no Guinness left
- I have woken up underneath my bed, on top of a pile of most of my clothing, with no recollection of going home
- I have been drunk 3 1/2 times in one day, and then passed out in a movie theatre
- There are numerous beer pong victories under my belt, including one shut out
- I woke up one time in a strange hotel room, wearing a souvenir t-shirt from a bar I barely remembered
- I don't care what you're serving, as long as it has booze in it
I also have directly relevant experience. Two weeks ago, I got mind bendingly drunk at my buddy's wedding. Then I convinced most of the wedding party to also get extremely drunk. After roughly 20 drinks, I was still going strong on the dance floor, making wild claims to the bridesmaids. Between songs, I performed amateur psychoanalysis on the groom's friends while drinking carafes of wine.
It has been widely regarded as one of the most enjoyable, and most successful, weddings any of the attendees could recall.
Thanks, in part, to the services of the professional drunk guy.
In order to qualify for my services, your wedding must:
- Be in Chicagoland (or include airfare, lodging, and ground transfers)
- Offer an open bar for at least 3 hours
- Include a hotel room or designated driver ride for my drunk ass
- Serve a nice dinner
Serious inquiries only, please.
* An Irish boilerplate is 2/3 of a pint of Guinness, and a shot that is 2/3 Jameson whiskey and 1/3 Bailey's. Drop the shot into the Guinness and POUND. Tastes like chocolate milk. My encyclopedic knowledge of drinks and drinking games is included as part of the service.
this is in or around Chicagoland