So this is a little silly, but your phone manner is rockin'. You are so well-spoken. You have this cute way of chuckling, which makes you sound slightly unsure of yourself, even though you must talk to a million assholes a day and are excellent at your job.
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Not only have you never fucked up my pizza, but you make me feel like my pizza order is the only pizza order that matters. That, my friend, is totally hot. I'll bet you wear glasses, can fold 8,000 pizza boxes in less than a minute, make funny faces while you're answering the phones, and, incidentally, are great in the sack.
So, even though I have never seen you, you are my official delivery-food crush. Other pizza places have been deleted from my phone. Father and Son has been sending me these "We Miss You! We Haven't Heard From You In a While!" coupons. Friendship Chinese is almost totally forgotten, as is Thai Spice. Festa, Vito Angelo's--all gone. And Little Clown Pizzeria is an even bigger joke than it was before.
In my dreams, someday it will be YOU who actually delivers the pizza to my apartment and stands in the vestibule for the rather-awkward exchange of money for cheese, dough, and tomato sauce. I know that you're not the delivery guy--you're the dude who answers the phone. But don't you think it would be nice someday to try something wacky and trade jobs with the delivery guy? Just to keep things "fresh?"
Only it is important that on this day, the day when you guys trade jobs, you let me know in advance. I am not sure how this will work out--I don't think you have any way of contacting me. But it is very important that on the day when you trade jobs with the delivery guy that I do not come to the door in old cook's pants which I have turned into pajamas and a Styx T-shirt, like I always do for the regular delivery guy, since he is not my type.
Now, I don't want you to think that I am some loser who orders pizza every night and listens to Styx. No. I am well-educated, attractive, and intelligent. I like to cook at home. A friend gave me the Styx T-shirt, and it's actually pretty cool. It's just that I work in a restaurant, and sometimes, I don't feel like doing a damn thing when I get done with a shift.
Not a damn thing, that is, except calling you to order a pizza. So, give some thought to the job-trade thing. You've seen all those pornos, right? Pizza Delivery Guy? Phone Repairman Guy? Notice that it's only the dudes who actually make the house calls who are in these pornos? If you don't come out from behind that phone, how are you ever going to get laid?
Or maybe we can just split the pizza and see how things progress from there.
Very Sincerely Yours,
Pepperoni, Mushroom, and Onion