Originally Posted: 2004-05-13 5:50pm

favorite this post A rant and a rave: The wonderful agony of oral sex

The problem with oral sex is that it’s like writing; when done right, it’s amazing, but there are just so many ways it can go wrong.

High school was the first time I realized that blow jobs would be a painful pleasure. I was seeing a girl from another school in my area, and she was one of the very first girls to ever give me head. We were both new at it, and she liked me to courtesy tap. [For the sexually naďve: A courtesy tap is where I tap her on the head right before I climax so she could pull off and avoid getting any of my ejaculate in her mouth.] This was common practice, because she refused to taste semen. In her mind—I’m not making this up—she wasn’t doing anything wrong as long as I didn’t come in her mouth. Aren’t 17 year old girls funny?

The first few times she went down on me I courtesy tapped, but this time we were in my car right outside her house, I got carried away with the risk and thrill of having her suck my dick about 20 yards away from her father, who I hated, and I lost track of my progress. Before I realized what was happening, she let out a little yelp, shut up from my crotch with her mouth full of splooge, gave a muffled, “You asshole,” then spit my come all over my face.

She was out of my car and into her house before I knew it. I quickly drove off, not wanting to face her rifle-wielding father, with seminal fluid still meekly drizzling out of my penis, my face covered in her spit and my sperm, laughing at the absurdity of my life.

I had no idea that this would only be the first in a long line of blowjob follies.

One girl I was dating the summer after I graduated high school, let’s call her “Jayne,” had never given head before she started seeing me. Now, my experience has taught me that whenever a girl tells me she “doesn’t normally give head,” she inevitably ends up giving me an incredible blow job.

It’s the ones who say they never do it that do it the best, but Jayne was the exception. She was the absolute worst I’ve ever experienced, or even heard of, at fellatio. Teeth everywhere, no rhythm, no enthusiasm, nothing, but I was patient with her because she was stunningly beautiful and I was too young to know better. It took a month of painstaking instruction before she was good enough that I didn’t stop her after 5 minutes to just jack myself off --she was that bad (she was also the first girl I ever went down on, and to be honest, I was awful on her too. But at least I never BIT her clit).

After another month or so, she got good enough that she could at least come close to finishing me off by herself, but she never moved her head. She kept her head still and I would move my hips, which was kinda annoying. One night I was particularly randy, and very enthused with my hip thrusts when I felt a warm, wet sensation on my crotch. I was laying on my back, so I looked down and saw what looked like A LOT of splooge.

This confused me, because I was close to coming, but I didn’t think I had actually achieved orgasm. It felt warm on my crotch, but when I reached down to touch it, the come was chunky and dark, and much more viscous than any semen that I’ve ever seen shot out of my dick. The only thing I could think was that she had given me some crazy hybrid VD that made my come all thick and chunky. My mind was racing; I couldn’t figure out what else could be wrong, so I said, “What did you do to my dick?”

She looked up at me, I saw the expression on her face, and immediately figured out what happened:

“Oh my god--did you just throw up on my dick? Did you just VOMIT ON MY FUCKING DICK?”

Yes, yes she did. I ended up dated her for another two years (beauty does strange things to the male mind), but she stopped going down on me and we just focused on vaginal sex from that point forward.

The next incident was a few years later, in college, right after I had discovered the art of coming on a girls face. I discovered this while dating a yound girl who loved me, and hated her daddy, so coming on her face was quite acceptable to her.

One time, as my climax approached, I moved her onto her back and pulled out just in time, covering her face with a solid 6 roper. Being the neophyte, I had no idea how to aim, and accidentally shot the first, and strongest, rope right in her eye. As I finished and collapsed, very happy with myself and proud of my prodigious paint job, I noticed the look of agony and pain on her face.

“Baby, are you OK? What’s wrong?”
“I...I can’t see...Jesus, it hurts...it’s burning.”

I helped her scoop most of it out of her eye socket, and, both of us still naked and sweaty, I led her into the bathroom, where she washed her eye out for a good five minutes.

Apparently semen does not agree with the eye. I called her “Red Eye” for the next few hours, until she got mad and refused to ever give me head again. Then I apologized profusely. She forgave me until she realized that she had ejaculate in her hair, and had to wash it three times before she got it all out. Needless to say, there were no more facials for her. After that, she greedily swallowed every bit like a nun taking communion.

One time when I was visiting some friends and family in DC I went out drinking and ended up going home with a girl. I’ll be honest: This girl was not attractive, but she was so into me that it was hard to turn her down. Plus, she had that look about her; that “I may not be hot but I can suck like a Thai transsexual” look. She just gave off a blowjob vibe.

I was pretty drunk when we got back to her place, and she went to work immediately. We didn’t even make it to the bedroom; she grabbed me right as we came in the door, undid my pants and sat me on her white sofa as she kneeled on ground and went to work on me.

My god I was right: She blew me away, literally and figuratively. She must have spent at least 20 minutes fellating me, never taking her mouth off my penis. She was so good I even broke into a sweat.

As soon as she finished, she went to the bathroom to wash out her mouth, and I stood up to rifle through my pants pocket and get a condom (for sex) when I saw the sofa: There was a HUGE skid mark very prominently positioned on her WHITE sofa.

I laughed at first. Then I remembered that she drove me to her place and she lived a good 30 minutes away from my friends place. Right as the thought of having to hitchhike 45 miles walked through my mind, she appeared out of the bathroom. Fuck.

Thinking fast, I put my pants on the sofa and romantically whisked her away into her bedroom, where I fucked her at least 3 or 4 times until she finally went to sleep. Once she was safely out, I snuck out of her room, got my pants, flipped the cushion, and went back to bed.

I wonder how long it was until the smell got to her.

That was back when I was young and cared about things like feelings and emotions. As I grew older and more jaded, I realized that I could be an asshole and get away with it, so I became more risky with my blowjob activities.

One time I was with a girl, we’ll call her “Betty.” She lived in a house with three other girls, but they were all out, so we were hooking up in her living room. Betty was a master of her craft, and loved to go down on me especially. She was hitting the crescendo of her well-conducted symphony of nob-slobbing, and right before I felt myself let loose into her mouth, the door to her house opened.

Her roommate was barely in the door when she saw Betty on her knees sucking me off like there was gold on the line. Betty, lips still wrapped firmly around my penis, heard the noise and looked up. Momentarily the eyes of the two roommates locked, one walking in the door, the other with my dick in her mouth. At that exact moment in time, two things happened simultaneously:

-I shot my load into Betty’s mouth.
-The roommate screamed and ran back out the door, pushing the guy she was with out in front of her.

I had not come for about three days before this encounter (that is a whole other story), and thus I had a Peter North sized 8 roper waiting for her. This did not sit well with Betty, especially because she was not expecting it.

Betty tried to take the porn star load, but it was just too much. She was not ready and still trying to process the fact that her roommate saw her sucking dick, so she started choking. Not coughing or a slight choke--the bitch was turning red and dying right in front of me, with my seed as the instrument of death.

I was unsure of what to do; I’d never seen a girl literally choke on dick before. I though that only happened in rap songs. After about five seconds of watching her retch, the words from the Too Short song “Blowjob Betty” rang through my head, “A young girl died just last night, she choked on sperm in her windpipe...” So I did the only thing I could think of: I gave her the Heimlich Maneuver.

I grabbed her around her chest just below her breasts and pulled my fists into her ribcage with all my force. After about three times she heaved, coughed my splooge all over her couch and started yelling at me, “STOP IT! [cough] YOU’RE HURTING ME ASSHOLE! [cough] STOP!”

I ended up having to take her to the hospital. Not for asphyxiation--she wasn’t choking after all, the come just surprised her and got in her nose. Nope...I had succeeded in breaking one of her ribs in my enthusiasm to save her life.

We never could get back the old magic after that night. It might have been due her difficulty with breathing for the next two months. [The one highlight of the night was at the ER when the doctor told me that I did a very good with the Heimlich, because you are actually supposed to break a rib if you do it right.]

These are all funny, but karma being the bitch that she is, my activities eventually caught up with me. This happened the summer before I started law school, with a girl I was seeing in Miami, we’ll call her “Courtney.”

She was incredibly hot, one of those girls you have a physical reaction too as soon as you see her. One time we were fucking doggy style, incredible sex, and right as I was about to come I pulled back too far and my dick came out. I thrust forward again, and instead of going back into her vagina, it stuck in her ass crack (NOT into her asshole, but her crack, between her butt cheeks). I was leaning over her, my face right above the back of her head, and I looked down at my dick right as I hit climax, and I shot nut...INTO MY OWN EYE.

A direct hit, right in my wide-open eye. I didn’t even see it coming...literally.

Almost immediately, I had a personal appreciation for how much it stings. That shit BURNED. It took me a minute to wash it out, but the sting, and the redness, stayed for a good 4 or 5 hours. Fuck you karma.

Even after all of this, I still love good fellatio. There is really nothing like a great blow job. What could be better than getting off without effort? I can watch the girl please me, catch tidbits of SportsCenter, and have both hands free to play with her breasts, catch up on my knitting, whatever I want.

I’ll take that every time, thank you, even with the occasional sperm in the eye. So I guess this is a rave.

[BTW--Any girls want to give me head? I have a fairly averaged sized penis, but every girl has told me my semen is tasty, or at the least not distasteful. And seriously, if you are ever the type of girl who has talked all kinds of shit about how intelligence turns you on, you should be wet right now. Just email me. And be willing to come to Chicago. Plus I'm even funnier in person.]

post id: 31146618

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