To all of my fellow Chicagoans frequenting Michigan Avenue:
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I have learned many rules for frequenting this “Magnificent Mile,” and would love to share my insight.
Avoid Michigan Avenue from April to September. Those tourists slowly walking up and down Michigan Avenue with their strollers, four kids in tow, and shopping bags a plenty, just don’t understand the reason the rest of us have a “city pace.” To all you tourists, hurry your damn ass up, or get out of the way.
There is a reason we all walk on the right side of the sidewalk, it helps with the pace, if you don’t know your right from your left, get off of the sidewalk. To those who don’t know their right from their left, I will be walking along Rush to avoid you.
Avoid the dumpy lady who speaks with the same shrill voice of fingernails on a chalkboard saying the same thing every seven seconds, “SPARE SOME CHANGE!” No, I do not have change, and I swear to god if you yell that at me one more time, I can spare some rocks left over by the Michigan Avenue grounds crew and chuck them at your awful shouting self.
For those of you who know your cross light signals, skip to the next helpful hint. For those of you who don’t know your signals, please do not scream with horror as that flying taxicab comes down the street to knock your dumb ass over. If you don’t know how to maneuver your way across the street, sit there on the corner with the rest of those people unfamiliar with city living and wait for the red light to stop flashing and the little neon green man welcoming you safely across the street.
Avoid the bum who loves to hang out on the corner of Chestnut and Michigan on the Hancock side. He tells a crazy story that differentiates itself slightly with each pedestrian. Hey Mister, I do not believe your story of traveling from god knows where, losing your identification and that you just need twenty of my hard earned dollars to help you get back to Union Station. You ass hole, it doesn’t cost twenty bucks to get to Union Station, and if you just shut the hell up, you’d be there in a jiffy if you cut down Michigan and hooked a righty on Wacker..
For those who have yet to fall in the black slush sitting in those dark cracks of sidewalk/street, beware. That’s not the common misconception of black ice, its black slush, and yes, it is on every crevice, not just the one you stepped in, but the next one too.
Avoid anyone carrying an American Girl store bag. These people belong to that cult, and try to reel you in by banging into you with these malicious maroon bags with every chance they get.
That loud ass bitchy girl talking on her cell phone walking slow as shit in her higher than thou heels did not get her Louis Vuitton bag from the Louis store up Michigan Avenue, she got it from Purse man at the corner of Rush and Chicago.
That all too good for you business man looking chic as shit in his Armani suit didn’t get that Movado watch from the new Movado store in Water Tower place, he got his “Movado” from watch man, conveniently located one block over on Rush, in front of Giordano’s. He spent too much on the suit, and needs to pay 20 bucks for the knock off Movado as his pay check didn’t stretch as far as he hoped.
You may think that those lovely ass holes in Tiffany’s really want to help you out, but rest assured, they would rather talk their snooty mouths off to each other about how you came in to their store in your gap jeans and hooded sweatshirt. Little did they know you got a bonus at work and are ready to spend the entire thing somewhere else now.
And finally, yes, those stores with glass doors are very cool. But rest assured, they are still doors, and the rest of us can see that they are doors. Don’t try to cry mercy when you run your dumb ass into the door at the Apple Store because you didn’t see it. It’s still a door, and we all saw it, and you shouldn’t get your medical bill paid by Apple because your too stupid to see that yes, it is glass and yes it is a door, and yes, they’ve even put white dots on their doors and windows to avoid people like you who inevitably walk into them and get your bloody noses time and time again.
In a final note:
Yes, Michigan Avenue is wonderful, and undoubtedly the crown jewel of our city, however, every sparkly gem has its flaws, be sure to avoid these ones.