Here, my faceless friends, are some of the reasons I do not have a girlfriend. I'm not one to complain, and this indeed is not a complaint at all. I usually enjoy the spoils of the single life. This is simply a list that, for some reason, I am sharing out of boredom.
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1) I'M SHORT... OK, I'm not like midget short. Just short. Like 5'6"... roughly the same height as my grandmother, which is rather humbling to know. Sure, there's apparently like 3 women in America who like short guys, but c'mon, everyone knows they are probably kinda weird. Or they weren't hugged enough as a child. Or they have some odd fetish, or a third arm or something. (muahahaha now I'll get emails from all sorts of women claiming they like short guys... my plan is working splendidly...)
2) I'M HILARIOUS... Sadly though, I'm hilarious in a weird way. Not in the I-keep-pictures-of-barnyard-animals-in-my-closet-with-hearts-drawn-around-them kind of weird, but in a sometimes-people-don't-know-how-to-respond kind of way. Which is fun for me. Because I enjoy awkwardness...
3) I DON'T HAVE TO SHAVE REGULARLY... I'm in my 20s. I still do not have to shave everyday, and I couldn't grow a beard if I was paid to. Now, some women may consider this cute. Thank you. But how cute will it be when you wake up next to me in the morning, and for just a *split second* you think you are waking up next to your little brother? Trust me, it's traumatic and creepy for both you and for me.
4) I'M BROKE...ISH... Today I learned I have negative money in my checking account. That's always awesome to hear. Thankfully, I keep more than one account and was able to correct things quickly (since I'm so respondible), but still, it was scary. You know what else this means though, right? I like to do things and go out to places that don't cost a lot of money. So, I'm sorry, but there will not be any $100 bottles of wine or fine dinners consisting of steamed orchids and roasted virgin lamb or something expensive sounding like that. I mean, I'll spring for more than McDonalds... I do have SOME pride, but seriously... Do I look like I am made out of money? Well, I'll answer for you (since you can't see me). No, no I do not look like I am made out of money.... yet....
5) I CAN'T COOK... Every single girl I know says that a guy who can cook is sexy. Well, to be blunt, I cannot cook. At all. I rely heavily on my microwave, pizza delivery, and carry-out places exclusively. The last three times I have tried to use the oven, things have caught on fire. Seriously. And I have never used my stove. Ever. Also, I cannot dance well. I know that has nothing to do with cooking, but both are sexy qualities I do not posess.
6) I SUCK AT DOING THE LAUNDRY... Much like George Washington, I cannot tell a lie. So, like George and his cherry tree, I must confess that I don't do laundry very often. It's not that I walk around in dirty clothes, because I don't. I dress very well and actually get complimented on it from time to time. It's just that I have the philosophy that most things aren't dirty after wearing them only once. Is that normal? Or is that just me? I don't know.
7) I READ... A lot. Many types of things too. Most people would consider being well read a good thing. I do too, usually. However, it seems that my success rate with meeting women who also like to read - but who aren't also shockingly unattractive in one way or another - is rather slim. I find that most people who read profusely are either socially inept or weird and boring or ugly. Yes, I realize that statement applies to myself too, so there's no need to point it out to me.
8) I HAVE RIDICULOUS STANDARDS - Um, let's be honest... how many sexy European women out there would go for someone like me? Or even hot women in general? Actually, I prefer beautiful or cute to hot. But those women always seem to be taken.
9) I'M CUTE... yes, it's true. Or so I am told. Cute cute cute. Unfortunately however, I am not like Orlando Bloom meets Brad Pitt meets Jake Gyllenhall cute. Nope... instead, I am cute like your baby nephew. It hasn't actually happened yet, but I'm convinced that people are just dying to pinch my cheeks and mess up my hair when they see me. It's only a matter of time. So yes, I'm cute, but not in the actually attractive kind of way. Which sucks.
10) I'M WRITING THIS ON CRAIGSLIST... Enough said. But hey, YOURE the one reading it :) HA! Take THAT!
So, there you have it. I don't mean to offend anyone or to start a debate. Obviously, this was done very tongue-in-cheek. I just wanted to write a list. There are plenty of positive things about me too, but the thought of writing this list occured to me today while taking a shower. And everyone knows that usually our best ideas come while in the shower. So I just HAD to write this.
Good night :)