Dear Mr. FUV driver:
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Please accept my apologies for not letting you merge into my lane this morning after you tried to get around a line of cars by using the blocked off construction lane. I know your gigantic Suburban is better than my little girly car and can handle that bumpy, stripped road, and that you could have taken off the front end of my Civic for not letting you in, but see, here’s my theory: you already take up too much.
-You take up too much of the road. I know, the lanes should be wider to accommodate you, but they aren’t yet. You take up the entire lane from left to right, and if that isn’t enough, you usually don’t pay attention to your driving, so you take up even more by drifting over at me. Or, you are tailgating me at 80 MPH on the highway to make you move out of your way. So you pretty much already get the majority of the road.
-You take up too much parking space. Your long ass car hangs out into the driving lane. You take forever to park because you can’t maneuver your battleship into the space; if you are conscientious enough to care that you are parked between the lines, or close to the curb, which isn’t the norm. So, you usually take up more than your share of parking spaces by parking like shit. But hey, you are special, and you’ll “only be a minute”. I should be more patient.
-You take up too much of my line of vision. I can’t see around you to see if I can make a left turn; I can’t see around you to see if I should pull into traffic. I can’t see the road ahead of me for your big ass. I’m usually stuck reading the stupid stickers you put on that big ass to announce your alliances. I know I should care about New Trier, or the fact that you are proud of your University of Dayton alumni status, but I really don’t.
-You take up too much gas. I know it’s your right if you can afford to pay for it, but I can’t help feeling sorry for those mothers who are paying for your gas addiction with their sons. I’ll try harder to get over it.
-You take up too much air. I know your FUV is officially categorized by the government as a truck so you don’t have to adhere to regular emissions standards, but it’s my ozone too. And I’d like a few days of summer to be less than 100 degrees, I still like snow in the winter, but hey, I’m selfish that way.
-You take up too much velocity. When you hit me doing your 50 mph, there is no doubt I will die because your two tons of metal will not be slowed significantly by my compact car. I guess I should be grateful that I will go quickly, if not painlessly.
-You take up too many cell phone minutes. Is there some secret FUV club that I am not aware of? Because you are all, always, on your cell phones.
So, Mr. or Ms. FUV driver, if you see me in my little Civic, know that I’m sorry that I don’t let you cut into traffic after driving around those waiting in line. I’m sorry I don’t give you the option at a 4 way stop. I’m sorry if I don’t move out of your way immediately on the highway when you tailgate. I’m sorry I’m not more courteous, because, to me, just the fact that you are driving that thing without a legitimate reason makes you a selfish prick.