Originally Posted: 2006-04-17 2:10am
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favorite this post Dear E-Mailers, (Chicago, Ill.) hide this posting unhide

I wanted to apologize to everyone who's emailed me over the past several years but has not received a personal response back. With the volume of email I receive every day, it's tough - and unfortunately, Yahoo! and Hotmail don't help matters when they categorize your important messages as "junk mail." So I'm taking a quick moment to respond to everyone who's written me as best I can. My apologies in advance if I miss anyone:

* Thanks for all your hot stock tips, but please don't spill the beans by emailing EVERYONE about them! Do you have recommendations for any stocks that I might actually be familiar with? That might be of more use to me since I'm more of a mid/large cap type of investor.

* Thanks for your generous free product offers, but I already have an iBook and an iPod. I thought these devices were in huge demand, so stop giving them away! My advice: Sell 'em on eBay, dude, and make some extra cash.

* My wife says "many thanks" for that info on penis enhancement. She's been waiting months to see the results - is it supposed to take this long to see a difference?

* On the minus size, my wife is getting suspicious about your numerous requests for extramarital escapades. Please entitle future requests "Junk Mail - Do Not Read". That will make sure they arrive "under the radar," so to speak, and not arouse suspicion by the missus. And an FYI just to the horny guys: Sorry. I don't hike up Brokeback Mountain, if you get my drift.

* Some of your emails have weird poems, nonsensical text and odd phrases in them for some reason. I think your PC might be infected with a virus!

* Speaking of viruses, I can't open your .exe files because I have a Mac. Sorry. I seem to be missing out on all those cool attachments you keep sending me.

* I feel especially bad for everyone in Nigeria who's emailed me. How did you get my email - from my D&D campaign blog? I didn't know they played D&D in Africa. Anyway, it seems like you are all very rich but have major cash flow troubles. In America, we have infomercials that explain how you can improve your cash flow and become even richer overnight! You know what? If you send me your video iPod (I don't have one of those yet, sadly), I'll go through the trouble of recording those infomercials on my laptop, download them to the video iPod -- and send the iPod back to you in Nigeria!

* No, I don't want a FREE video iPod. You can just buy one in Nigeria, and send it to me so I can download the infomercials for you.

* Oh, sorry to hear that they don't sell video iPods in Nigeria. Maybe you order one through Apple's online store! If they don't ship to Nigeria … just send it direct to my address! Problem solved!

* Hey, thanks for letting me know about your band's next show. I'm not sure if I can make it, but if I'm not working that night, I will definitely try to attend.

* Holy shit! Why didn't you call me first if there was a security problem with my eBay/Paypal/Wells Fargo/Chase/Citibank account! It's not like I check email every day, you know. What's even worse is that when I call your customer service line, they say that there's no problem with my account (especially when I never had one to begin with) but that there's a big "fishing" problem going on. I haven't gone fishing in years, so I think I'm OK, though.

* Oh, and when I type in personal data that you request on your web site, I have this nasty habit of typing in false names (generally famous people or ex-girlfriends), false account numbers and fake passwords. I don't mean to commit fraud when you make such an honest attempt to protect my eBay/Paypal/Wells Fargo/Chase/Citibank accounts, but it's a medical condition called "compulsive lying." That's the truth, I swear!

* Maybe you can send me a list of drugs that might help with my medical condition? They'll have to come cheap and not require a doctor's prescription (sadly, I have no health insurance). All this "compulsive lying" is making me depressed and impairing my ability to maintain an erection (I expect this latter problem to worsen as my penis grows to "porn star" length any day now…)

* Most importantly, I'm changing my email address to something new, so if you can stop sending emails to my old address(es), that would be a GREAT help! I'll let you know my new email address ASAP.

Thanks! Talk to you soon.

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