Dear ex-husband...I would like to clear up some of the lies and mis-information you have been feeding people since you have discovered Facebook and attended your recent high school reunion:
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1) I did not "cheat on you" and cause the breakup of our marriage. We had been separated for the better part of a year, and I had already filed divorce papers. Even before we were separated, we had sex MAYBE once or twice a month for 3 years (BAD sex at that). I did "have an itch", as I have seen you put it, and since you weren't scratching it, I called up my old fuck-buddy and he took care of business. BTW, he had no problem at all cumming from oral...so fuck you for making me think it was my problem when it was clearly yours.
2) Thank you for blaming all your social shortcomings on me. You have told multiple people that I never wanted to hang out with any of your friends, and that's why you had lost contact with them over the years. Bullshit. You are just cheap and no fun. If it involved travel, money, or staying out past 7:00pm, then you weren't interested. You also didn't like having people over to our house because we would have to feed them (which costs money) and most of them have kids (which you hate...funny, you're a TEACHER).
3) You told one ex-girlfriend that after we got married, I "turned into Martha Stewart". Yes, asking you to pick up your own dirty clothes, Diet Pepsi cans, and bath towels and put them in their proper places was TOTALLY batshit crazy of me. How dare I want to live in a semi-respectable home and not a trash heap.
4) I will let you continue to tell people I am remarried to "some geek I met on the internet", as that is completely true. However, you should also tell them that he is goddamn AMAZING in bed. Just this morning I woke up to him gently massaging my ass; before I knew it he was pulling my hair as I was gagging on his fat cock. You can fill in the blanks as to what happened next...oh wait, no you can't, because all you know how to do is a couple thrusts in the missionary position before your tiny, weird-looking little penis dribbles out its contents. And for the love of God (since you can't seem to figure it out on your own OR from my guidance), watch some porn and learn how to locate the clitoris.
5) Go ahead and crow to everyone how you "got to keep the house". Just so we're clear, I LET you keep the house, and I better not find out that I'm still on the mortgage. You were supposed to take care of that 8 weeks after our divorce was finalized. I let you slide last year when I found out I was still on there and gave you extra time to take care of it (even though it should have been done in 2006). If I'm still on that loan, then I'm calling my lawyer.
6) You have conveniently neglected to tell all of these people that you are gay. You can keep telling yourself that you're straight, but anyone who likes to let men suck his dick AND reciprocates is, in fact, homosexual. Thanks for letting me find out that little tidbit after we got married instead of before, cocksucker. And don't EVEN try to say you're bi, because you made it evident to me over the years that you hate tits and vagina. I love me some gay men, but I didn't want to be married to one.
7) You mentioned that I hated spending time with your family...completely true. They were weird as hell, and still are for all I know.
So I guess that ends my rant. If you want to tell your friends anything else about me, then tell them I'm very happy with my internet-geek husband and new, normal, sane in-laws. Just so you know, this is the only place I have talked trash about you since our divorce. If telling people all that shit about me makes you feel better, then more power to you. I just better be off that mortgage, or else you will have some really good stories to tell.
P.S.-change your passwords, stupid.
- Location: cloud 9
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