Dear Men of Craig’s List:
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The membership of the National Federated Union of Porn Stars wishes to register an official complaint and related Cease and Desist request. Your incessant searching for a “girl who fucks like a porn star,” the somewhat similar “girl who sucks dick like a porn star,” and the unending fake posts regaling how “she took my spewing cum all over her face like a porn star” are interfering with the conduct of business in the legitimate porn industry. A recent study concluded that the prevalence of these requests and reports have in fact begun to convince a startling proportion of otherwise normal women that they should and must behave like porn stars. This is still a trend in its infancy but gentleman, should this phenomenon reach critical mass we, the real porn stars of America, will be shit out of luck, not to mention jobs.
Evidence to support the emergence of this trend include but are not limited to:
1. Brazilian wax “technicians” report a 5,000% increase in business over the last year. This flies in the face of reason and we cannot understand why so many otherwise normal women are paying someone to mercilessly rip out their pubic hair with hot wax. We are here to tell you that being bound and gagged while having a complete stranger shoot cum all over our faces while being fucked up the ass by another stranger is a goddamned walk in the park compared to the pain and humiliation of kneeling on a paper covered table on all fours in a closet sized “salon” room while an uppity bitch clucks disapprovingly while ripping the hair from your asshole with hot wax. And while we, the porn stars of America, get paid to do both of these things, your girlfriends do not.
2. Speaking of ass fucking… Now guys, we know you love the ass fucking. Love to see it, love to think about it, and you love to pretend that you are doing it. But consider for a moment what the world will be like if all the normal women out there catch the “porn star fever” that is beginning to spread and begin ass fucking as a matter of course. Sure, you may enjoy that now but how will you feel when, as you start to lose your hair and thicken around the middle you finally settle down and get married? You will then be all but guaranteed to wed someone who has ass fucked every man she has ever dated. Do you want to live in that world? We didn’t think so. Please, for the love of God leave the ass fucking to the real porn stars of America.
3. Fake Boobs. All us porn stars have them. It’s pretty much a prerequisite for the job of American porn star. We understand your primal fixations and we are not going to bother you by over thinking them. We are here to meet every one of your infantile ‘I want to suck my mommy’s tit’ unexamined needs. And we’ll even do it while we’re shoving our hairless assholes around some strangers cock. But your girlfriends are all caught up in the spreading “porn star fever” and are now seeking breast augmentation at alarming rates. Seriously, how sexy is it going to be when you have to take your future wife, who has been fucked up the ass by every man she ever dated, to the hospital to remove her ruptured and toxic fake boob? Leave the fake boobs to us and appreciate your woman’s normal gorgeous tits.
Look guys, the real porn stars of America have always been there for you. And we want that relationship to continue. We all know that even if this ill-considered craze overtakes the nation that most of you will still be sitting at home alone stroking one out night after night. And let’s be honest, you need us for that. And in a very real way, you need us to be different from the women that you work with, different from women you are neighbors with, play pub trivia games with and yes, you need us to be different from the women you date and fuck. Our value is linked to the fact that we do things that normal women don’t do. Our value is also inextricably linked to the fact that you will never fuck us. So you can see how turning all these normal women into pseudo porn stars kinda ruins it for everyone. So please, do your part to stop the “porn star fever” from spreading. Tell your woman you love her tits and her pussy just the way they are and then fuck her, but not up the ass, until she cries and begs for mercy. Let’s keep the earth on its right and proper axis and keep the porn stars of America on the Internet and the real women in your bed, if you’re lucky.
The membership of the National Federated Union of Porn Stars