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I wrote this a few weeks ago, and I wasnt sure what to do with it, or perhaps what to make of myself. This looks like the place. Here you go Craigslisters, I present my arguments, in bullet form, why Spongebob Square pants is the perfect girl.
1. Hes low maintenance. No matter what happens to him, he never needs validation from anyone, for anything. He never asks Patrick to tell him who he is, never uses his friction with Squidward to bolster his own ego. All his energy is focused outward, albeit usually with mixed (and hilarious) results. He never complains about those results either, just trudges ahead with blind, infectious optimism.
2. Hes a good cook. In fact, he makes unquestionably the best burger in Bikini Bottom. People come from everywhere to the Crab Shack for one of his Crabby Patties. How rare is a girl who can cook, and enjoys it?
3. He lives in a pineapple. Imagine having crazy sex in a giant pineapple. All that gooey, sweet, sugary awesomeness providing both full body lubrication and a certain fun kinkiness. Sex inside almost anything else wouldnt be anywhere as much fun. An orange would sting. A tomato would stain. While were on the subject, do you want variety in your lovin? Hes got HUNDREDS of holes, and hes not shy about himself or hung up in any way. He also plays dress up. Weekly. And usually twice on Saturday mornings.
4. Hes comfortable with his job. Mr. Crab pays him shit and he cares, never bitches. Never comes home and says to his pet snail if that dude Squidward dont get off my ass, Im gonna kill him! The pineapple is a harmonious place because Spongebob checks that shit at the door.
5. He manages his emotions. Weve all seen Spongebob flip out. Weve all seen chicks flip out. The difference is that Spongebob Squarepants STAYS FOCUSED. He may explode. His eyes may shrivel up like raisins. He might pull off his own legs and arms and beat himself with them in total panic and frustration. He never loses sight of what hes flipping out ABOUT, though. Every girl Ive ever met starts out being mad about the dish I just broke, or the amount of beer I may have drunk at her family reunion (we all need help through the hard times, my Lord, my Lord) but 15 minutes later its why havent we bought a house yet, why arent I home more, why arent I home less, why arent I more communicative, and what about those boobs I was staring at back in May of 2002. Do ya feel me, boys?
6. Hes devoted. Patrick is an idiot, but he finds a way to relate and have fun. Mr. Crabs is a jerk, but he gets past it and has a healthy work ethic. Hes maintained a healthy platonic relationship with a displaced female squirrel. Even Squidward, despite all his efforts to the contrary, has a neighbor he can count on any time day or night. (Aside: Squidward is a douche bag for not recognizing this)
7. He knows how to have a good time. Boy does he ever. He likes eating contests, farts, TV, singing, hiking, playing with his body, sports (did you see the snail race? better than Hoosiers), and just generally acting stupid and laughing about it. Im telling you, hes got to be totally awesome to hang out with.
8. Hes comfortable with his body. So hes not the ideal shape. Hes a square. But he never complains. Youll never hear the phrase height-weight proportional uttered from those yellow lips (anyway his height-weight proportion is geometrically perfect, a fact which I am sure can be proven mathematically). He dont give a shit. He just buys the right clothes (square) and looks great and thats the end of it. No endless questioning about why the universe shaped him the way he is. No internal battles. Just a simple square man with a healthy simple outlook.
9. Hes a virgin (Id bet). You say experience means everything? I say bullshit. Comfort and communication trump experience every time. Working at your sex life is only possible in a situation dominated by these two traits and amplified by a sense of adventure. Spongebob has always demonstrated these characteristics. Now, what do you want? A willing accomplice or the trick somebody else taught?
10. He doesnt drink, smoke or do drugs. Actually, I do enjoy the occasional cocktail or cigarette, and as you may have guessed, I have been known to puff it down a little and watch shows like, say, Spongebob Squarepants (WTF, what did you do this morning that was so important, Mr. Smartypants?), but the thing about our man Bob is that theses things dont rule his life, and couldnt you just imagine that first date at a bar? Somehow the idea of kicking two shots of Makers Mark back with Spongebob Squarepants is totally mesmerizing. You think hed sit there and bitch about his exes? No way. Hes much more a load up the jukebox and kick up his heels on the bar kind of guy. Hell take his lumps for it (case in point, the Motorhead bar in the movie, where the fascist biker dudes kick his ass but he comes out grinning) but I bet the night would be hilarious. Imagine him pulling in a big drag and blowing it out all his orifices. Imagine him talking to that drunken barfly you always see and making that old bitch laugh. Youd get to do all this shit with him for the first time.
11. He demonstrates good parenting skills. Did you see the episode where Spongebob and Patrick find a lost baby scallop and decide to raise it as their own? No?!? Well, allow me to elucidate. Patrick takes on the male role and he sucks at it. He sneaks off all day and night to watch TV at home while Spongebob, as the mother figure (complete with apron and heels), holds the family together. He does all the cooking, cleaning and baby-raising, all the while carrying an admittedly strained smile on his face. Not to say Im looking for a wife to do it all and let me watch TV (um, hmm), its just that he demonstrates such strength and good humor. The episode ends with a happy, well-adjusted scallop flying off (?) into the sea-sky and a presumably happy well-adjusted scallop life. Its not that Spongebob might make a good mom. Spongebob is a good mom.
Im sure you all are going to think I am a pedophile (why? Because I happen to be a little bit in love with a 6 year old boy cartoon character?) Im sure youll all write me and tell me what a misogynistic jerk I am (just substitute the words girl for boy and boy for girl throughout and Im sure my argument applies cross-genderally. There. Feel better, huge bull dykes with nothing better to do?) Im sure Ive sabotaged my e-mail account, but I wanted to do it. Im in love, and people in love do and say stupid shit.