I Am Going To Miss Masturbating to New Episodes of "Friends"
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Well, it's finally over. After many long years of love and laughs, our "Friends" are leaving us for good. And I for one will miss masturbating on Thursday nights.
In nearly 5 years of being an avid "Friends-watcher" I must admit that I never saw a full episode with the sound on. Here's what I know about the male characters...I know that guy Sandler or Chandler said something I found kinda funny once. And who can forget the time Russ was whining about his relationship troubles?? And isn't it always Joey who comes up with a comment that leads you to believe he's mildly retarded and should be in some sort of assisted care situation? Oh, the laughs.
But getting back to masturbation. I will never forget the time they had Jennifer Aniston dressed in a cheer leaders outfit for some reason. Man, what an ass. And remember Courtney Cox when she had to get dressed up in stockings for some trite plot-oriented reason? Man, I'd like to bend her over the couch at the coffee shop while she was in those stockings. Even that weird hippy chick looked like she could suck more than SNL has sucked recently.
I remember about 2 years ago I came home on a Thursday dog-tired from work. My pain-in-the-ass boss made me work until like 7pm so I did not have time to stop at the bar. What I did was pick up a sixer of Coors and head home. Anyway, I guzzled like 4 in no time flat and sorta fell asleep on my couch. I woke up just for like 10 seconds and "Friends" was on. I was watching Jennifer Aniston trying on a dress or something and I kept thinking how cool it would be if I could jump through the t.v. screen and ravage her from behind and she'd be like "Oh, God, yeah...oh, wow this is so hot...but what if one of my douche bag 'friends' finds out!?" And I'd say something comforting like "Don't worry, baby...I just want to have intense and utterly filthy sex with you a few times and then jump back through the t.v. screen to my warm couch."
Anyway, I fell back asleep and had this wicked cool fantasy-dream about Jennifer Aniston, the dark-haired chick from the Sprinsteen video and this porn star Jenna Jameson. They were all poor all of the sudden and had to waitress at this bar I go to where I am kinda cool. Anyway, the dream was wild. I had all 3 bent over a pool table and was nailing them at my whim and they were loving it, with their waitress skirts pulled up around their waists and their panties around their knees. I woke up masturbating and had a huge boner. I had actually come in my sleep I guess too because my boxers were sticky. I'd not done that since I was like 12!!! Jerking off while watching "Friends" has since become a cherished tradition. Thank you "Friends."
So, I really will miss "Friends". They've given us so many years of joy and laughter and even a few poignant moments from what I heard this chick say on the bus yesterday. So, "Friends" farewell. Thanks for the memories. And to the chicks on "Friends": If you ever start doing hardcore porn, man, they could charge like $1,000.000/night rental. I am poor and I would pay it!! Seriously, think about it. Just call it some artsy bullshit and get paid!! Plus, you know you wanna whore it up before you get too old.