An open letter to the HOT waiter at a "local chain restaurant"-- FUCK YOU!
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Do you wake up every morning, queer-eyeing yourself, spiking your SEXXXY black hair with some fancy-ass pommade for that "Maroon 5" look, knowing that you have a full day of duping innocent women ahead of you? Do you plot your evil strategies over your morning green tea?
How dare you flirt with TWO DESPERATELY HORNY girls (ages 21 and 23) for a TIP?? a TIP! YOU are no better than a prostitute, with the hostess being your pimp, sending all the women with broken gaydars into your section. Does she get a cut of your profits at the end of your shift? That's fucked up, dude.
We have gone back to the "local chain restaurant" religiously for the past week hoping to be seated in your section, only to have our dreams shattered earlier this afternoon, when another waiter alerted us of "what side of the street you play on."
You are as heartless as a straight man. We promise. I guess you can't really help it since you are fueled by testosterone too.
Thanks to you, we are now fat and bloated from greasy burgers, mayo-laden turkey sandwiches, fries, 38 tons of spinach-cheese dip, and, most famously, the brownie sundae, which you suggested for dessert, knowing FULL WELL that we wanted YOU covered in whipped cream, not a FUCKING BROWNIE. Asshole.
You even made us feel special when you didn't really flirt as much with any of the other girls in your section that night. Even your body language was less enthusiastic with the two bitches seated behind us.
Did we really look THAT desperate for ANY sort of male attention? If so, please hand us a gun, with two bullets, s'il vous plait.
Truth be told, we are not those loserly single girls who eat cookie dough, watching romantic comedies starring Julia Roberts, and wondering why we are fat and have no boyfriends. We don't spend our weekends eating straight-out-of-the-tub Ben and Jerry's ice cream, waiting for Prince Charming to show up at our couch. We are fucking cute, fun, horny, intelligent, etc....but we scare men and attract fags. WHY, GOD?!
But you obviously don't care that you ruined our day because you have a hot boyfriend and that extra ten bucks in your pocket.
A message to gay men across the world: stop flirting with straight girls. You KNOW you do it. It doesn't make us feel good. And don't pretend like you were just being SUPER-friendly. You are fucking flirting flames. And we aren't all looking for new gay friends to tote around like a motherfucking Louis Vuitton handbag. We have enough gay friends. But never enough handbags.
And this isn't the last you've heard from us...We will be BACK, still single, still horny, still ogling...and hopefully seated in your section because we still secretly like you anyway.
See ya next week!