Stalker seeks special someone to torment RARE OPPORTUNITY!
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I'm a security guard by day, stalker by night. I've been forced to look for a new victim since a new restraining order now forces me, by law, to stay 100 feet away from my ex.
What I'm looking for:
Sweet, caring 25-28 year old woman, professional (college students and artists need not apply), well-dressed and socialable. Race is not an issue. Must have good upbringing and a fear of strange men who follow them from their walk from the T station to the front step of their apartment. If you don't fear people following you, don't apply. I'm not interested.
Must have an apartment within the city. Commuting to the fuckin 'burbs is a pain in the ass for me. Have you ever tried following your prey through 8 miles of shitty Rt. 128 traffic? It ain't no walk through the park.
No pets. I got cat allergies like you wouldn't believe. God, I must have blown my nose into half the panties I was stealing from one of my cat-loving victims. Man, I hate those little fuckers. And one cat is bad enough; this crazy bitch had three. After that botched incident, I had to dump her ass to the curb.
And most of all, POTENTIAL STALKEE MUST OBSERVE PROPER ETIQUETTE WHEN BEING STALKED!!! Jesus christ, do you understand how frustrating it is when I'm stalking a woman to her favorite pub, only to be bugged for free drinks and a ride home because she drank way too many apple martini's and she needs a quick fuck? I'M NOT YOUR FUCKIN FRIEND, SWEETHEART! Nor am I a free taxi service. Nor am I a whore. STALKER. NOT WHORE. OKAY?!?
So, if you're interested, send me your C.V. along with three references.