First off, my roommate and I would like to thank you for violating the privacy of our home. We’ve always felt that the lock on our door was more of a formality than a necessity anyway. Did you feel welcome? Sorry we weren’t there to offer you a glass of water and a place to sit and chat. Oh, and we apologize for the clutter. Congratulations on your method of entrance. Your crowbar skills were quite effective, and definitely left an artistic mark. The door frame has been reinforced now, but we’ll have the mangled wood on the inside of the door to remind us of your thoughtful visit—it really gives the door and our apartment in general, the character it previously lacked. Thanks.
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We’d also like to extend our apologies for unintentionally wasting your time. Had you called ahead, we could have let you know that we are a waitress and an impoverished grad student, respectively, and therefore lack the funds to purchase the expensive, portable little goodies you were clearly after. We really are sorry that we couldn’t send you off with more souvenirs of your visit.
I am a little curious about one thing: my bath towel. Upon combing our apartment to figure out if anything was missing, we didn’t come up with much. However, when I went to take a shower that night, I discovered that my bath towel is missing. Now, I’m sure you could have used it to smuggle something I haven’t missed yet, or to cover your arm while breaking a window to get out via the fire escape, but I’d like to believe that you took it for yourself. I already feel pretty close to you, since you’ve rifled through my panties, seen the special friend I keep hidden in the same drawer, and combed through the costume jewelry I inherited from my grandma. I’d like to think that you’re sharing in my favorite bath towel. It’s cute, soft from countless post-shower dryings, and the perfect size—not bath sheet huge, but big enough to fully cover my sizeable ass and other attributes. Enjoy my well-loved, hand-me-down towel. Consider it my parting gift to you. I believe that those who presume they deserve to make a profit from purloining other peoples’ items are a neglected group of people. Keep the towel, and think of me whenever you use it. I hope you think of all the people who have played host to your domestic acquisition parties. We certainly appreciate your efforts at spicing up our everyday lives. Whatever would we do without you.