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So, I found this shit while doing a soda run for a friend. I used to have this nasty habit of buying weird drinks, just to see what they taste like. But that all changed when Pepsi Blue beat the shit out of my taste buds. I've been pretty wary about drinks since then, especially when we got shit like Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper and Stick Covered in Shit XTREME BLEND Mocha Lattes.
But it wasn't my money, and I was thirsty as fuck, so I caved in and picked up this Coca-Cola Blak shit. The label had that catchy artfag "Buy me now and you'll be fucking goth bitches tonight!" quality to it. Like it's too good for you, that you're a better person for having it nearby, because it distracts people from your many shortcomings. It stares right through your fucking soul with that little 0 thing in the center, and laughs at your tiny penis. It sends out MySpace event invitations to all it's friends except for you. Fuck, you're not even in it's Top 8. Screech is in it's Top 8, Rick James is in it's top 8, and even Pepsi is in there just for the irony. It wants to remind you that you suck, and that you need to get a haircut. And just so you don't have any doubts that it's worth more than you, the bottle is made of glass. It's delicate, yet classy. I fucking hate you already, Coca-Cola Blak.
The cap is black too, the guys in marketing must have been fucking each other in the ass over this masterpiece. It makes fun of you even as you try to open it, since the cap on this particular bottle was on way too fucking tight. I could hear it blogging away from the depths of it's glassy bowel, pounding away on it's MacBook while flipping through a thesaurus for words similar to "pathetic." Fuck you, Blak. I paid for you, I brought you back to my pad, and now you're going to let me violate you and take pictures.
Ever smell something that was so familiar, so strong in a particular scent that it brings back memories? Happy, fun little memories about your childhood? Memories about things you've done with your lover under the cover of an umbrella in Europe?
I have no such memories for Coffee. I fucking hate it. I should've known by the label that I was buying into some seriously disgusting shit. Since when did "Fusion" become the new word for "THERE IS COFFEE IN ME, NOT THE DELICIOUS ICE CREAM KIND EITHER?" And when did it become a viable excuse to sell shit in 8oz bottles for almost double the price? You're not winning any points here, Blak. You're being a real shithead, and I'm growing tired of you already.
See my eyebrow? It's actually trying to escape from my head and get as far the fuck away from this overpriced pisswater as possible. At first, the taste isn't so bad, but then you remember that it's supposed to be Coffee flavored. Bile should never be mixed with Coffee, it's like pouring salt in someone's asshole.
Having put something so foul into my mouth, I quickly administered the Homer Simpson test and made sure that I had not infact gone blind. If I wasn't able to type without looking at the keyboard, I'd be concerned at this point. My vision remained, but I fear that I may have to put my taste buds down.
shit guys i lied about my vision things are going blak lol god this shit is so fuc
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