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I read about kegel muscles all the freakin' time in women's magazines: how much guys love it when you can grip their penises like a vise with your va-j-j, how much harder you come when you flex your lady love muscles, etc.
Kegel muscles are supposedly sooooo great. But mine are deadbeats.
Seriously - maybe I have a lazy vag. Maybe my kegels like to take it easy and enjoy the ride rather than make any effort during sex. Other ladies' kegels are like jazzercize instructors, flexing and jumping and pointing and coming. Mine are two potheads watching porn: uninvolved, lazy, happy, stupid.
I (half-heartedly) tried to do the kegel exercises, which consists of just flexing them over and over. My kegels are so fucking lazy that I can't even be sure if I'm flexing the right thing in my pussy - something is moving, but I don't know what it is. It might be my cervix. Can cervixes move?
So fuck those exercises. I realized I don't give a shit whether or not I can hold a dude in my so tight that it's hard for him to remove himself. What is this, a genital tug-of-war?
So I've decided that if my pussy isn't enough on its own, sucks to be me. I'm not going to sit at my desk flexing my pee-muscles, and I'm not going to feel worthless if ex-boyfriends tell me how amazing their new girlfriends are with tightening up their pussies.
I've had it, kegel muscles. You stay all lazy and useless on your stained, cat-hair love seat, watching your Jenna Jameson and contributing nothing to the activity in my vagina. bastards.