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So based on personal experience, chats with gal pals, and reading "best of CL", among other internet forums, it seems that there are a shitload of men who suck (in a bad way / pardon the pun) at the act of cunnilingus.
Why is this?
I can't speak for ALL women, but I can certainly speak for myself and my girlfriends - a good eating out rocks our world like a hurricane but it's such a rare experience. There's just nothing like it. And yet, most men fail at this endeavor. I've plenty of Bi and Lesbian friends jokingly tell me that what I need is a good lesbian licking.....and while I believe them that women are probably expert lickers, I really am as straight as they come. I'm pretty open minded...and at times WISH I could change teams as so many men piss me off and break my heart....but I can't. I'm doomed to be straight forever.
Recently, at the advice of some friends, I checked out some oral sex porn. I'm not usually one to watch porn - most of it is so fake and comical and it makes me laugh..... even the good stuff, well, why watch someone else do what I'd rather be doing? LOL. Basically,porn has no relation to the "real" sex for everyday people and I think there are a lot of guys out there who think it is normal and therefore mistakingly think that using what they have learned from porn movies is going to make them a better lover. Um, newsflash guys: NOT!!!!
So I checked out some recommended clips and did some comparisons.
Here is what I gleamed from my research:
1. Even male porn stars seem to be severely deficient at cunnilingus; approaching the female bits as if they were going to electrocute their tongue or something. What's with the "dabbing" and biting? Ok, I'm sure there are some women out there with some fettish for that, but dude...really....not me and not any chick I know.
2. Fake Lesbians. Yea, that's right, I said it. Just because some guy pays two chicks to get it on in front of the camera, it does not make them lesbians. It's obvious that most of these chicks are not enjoying licking some other girls snatch....cause they are just as bad as the dudes....barely touching the clit with the tip of their tongue. They make lots of kissing and slurping sounds but aren't really muff diving for real. It's just a tease. That receiving chick's orgasm moaning is fake dude...she's acting.
3. My friends were right. Only real lesbians know how to lick pussy. The only REAL cunnilingus I saw was by REAL lesbians in a porn made by and for Lesbians.
Damn....those chicks know how to eat pussy!!!!! Once again, however, this is how I know that, A)Being Gay is not a choice, becaise B) I'm definitely straight. Why? Because as good as that looked, and tempting as it is to go find me some really hot dike to lick me, it then made me shiver (in a bad way). All I kept thinking was "Why can't I find a man who can do that?" I mean, think of it this way....if you, a straight man, lives for a good blow job, would you be able to let a man do that to you just because he was he best cocksucker on the planet? No, you wouldn't....you want a woman to do it cause you are straight and you want to do other stuff too....to/with a woman. Well, the same applies here.
4. Conclusion: CUNNILINGUS LESSONS ARE NEEDED! All Straight men should watch some REAL lesbian porn to learn how to muff dive. NOt the fake shit....find the stuff that is made by and for Lesbians. Take notes if you have to. Maybe find some nice Lesbians willing to give lessons. Note to lesbians: This would be a really good community service for you. It would stop some of the stupid people from trying to "turn" or "cure" you. Maybe give the straights some satisfaction and de-stress them so they are no longer all wound up and uptight therefore no longer poking their nose into your business, etc. LOL. Happy people are less likely to discriminate. Maybe we'd get more support for gay marriage even! If they see you as an asset to society...well.... Besides, gay men have staked their ground - Straight women love them for helping us with design, makeup, clothes, our hair, and yes - how to give good blow jobs. And now both straight genders are in love with "Queer eye for the straight Guy" - those fab 5 have saved some marriages, ya know! LOL. I bet if you made it your mission to teach all straight men how to properly lick pussy.....well.....Straight men would love you for giving them that magic tool, straight women would love you and thank you for the orgasms,....shit, you'd own the world! You will have solidified your necessity in society!!! No more gay bashing, and since both genders in straight society would now be much less tense, I think we just might obliterate war and achieve world peace.
Seriously....think about my gay sisters, think about it.
5. ADVICE: So MEN....please learn how to lick pussy. Watch some REAL lesbian porn and give it a try. You like a good blow job, right? Well....then return the favor damn it. Stop being afraid of the muff.....but don't dive in like you are bobbing for apples and start of gentle. Make sure you DO NOT BITE OR USE YOUR TEETH unless she has specifically asked for that. Lick it all....lick it like it's your favorite ice cream!!!! Chris Rock once said in one of his stand up specials that "there are 3 kinds of women; 1. Those who don't suck dick...do they still make you? Goodbye, see ya! 2. Those who give you just enough to get by....(he dabs the mic with his tongue and says: That enough for ya?) and 3. Women who like nothing better than to suck a dick. God bless every one of ya!" Well boys, you can flip that around for the female point of view and it applies exactly the same. If you don't fall into category number 3, you are petty much a useless lover IMO. So check yourselves....ladies, if you aren't giving decent head, you aren't likely to keep your man, and MEN, if you aren't truly giving a decent effort to slurp her snatch, and aren't making her cum.....well....time to re-evaluate and pray that one of the few men out there who DOES lick pussy well doesn't get to her. Cause if that happens, you'll be kicked to the curb like a football at the superbowl.
ONE MORE NOTE TO MY LESBIAN FRIENDS: thanks to all the lesbian sisters out there who have, and no doubtedly will, offer me some good cunnilingus, but no thanks. Yes, it's tempting....I appreciate the offer and I'm quite flattered.....but really....I won't be able to return the favor, don't want to bump boobies, and I'll just wish you had a cock to finish the night. Yea, I know you probably have a nice dildo, or a strap-on, or a rabbit vibrator....but I'm an old fashioned girl....I like the real thing and only the real thing will do. I want the whole body of a good man. Like the old Coca Cola commercial..."Ain't nothin' like the real thing , baby...ain't nothin' like the reeeaaal thing!"
And remember.....CUNNILINGUS LESSONS just might = World Peace. Think about it.
So guys....we really do want to enjoy sex with you and have the best of intentions....but you gotta step up and do your part. The time has come for women to get ours! Now cowboy the fuck up and learn how to lick us like we've got the antidote to death or the fountain of youth in there.
Peace my brothers and sisters!
May you all get some good oral sex while you can!
Yearning in Baltimore