1. Iím so tired of the bar scene!
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Obviously, this has nothing to do with my being tired of drinking beer and staring at your ass, it has to do with the fact that Iím getting too old and drunk to get anyone to come home with me anymore. Iíve also realized that peeling a girl off the bar where sheís passed out is not the best way to meet one with Marriage Material.
2. I want an outdoorsy girl!
Letís go hiking, swimming, fishing, running, sailing, canoeing, camping, mountain climbing, bungee jumping, skydiving, spelunking, deep-sea diving, and so on until weíre so completely exhausted that we donít even have the energy to have sex. It will help if we both take steroids.
3. Nice guys still exist!
Who, me? Just wanting to get into your pants? No way! Iím the ďnice guyĒ that all the girls say they want, but never actually fuck! All you girls just want the "bad boys." Iím so sick of having my hot friends cry on my shoulders about their asshole boyfriends. Why doesnít anyone ever want me? Iím here! I do exist! Love me! Trust me, Iím the ONLY guy on Craigís List who isnít just trying to get into your pants.
4. Iím so old fashioned.
Thatís rightóI know all the romantic, decent, passionate ways to get into your pants. Iíll pull out your chair, hold the door open for you, and send you dozens of roses. When I drop you off and give you a polite kiss on the cheek and thank you for a wonderful evening, our eyes will meet and Iíll just know deep inside from that special look in your eyes that soon enough, youíll be letting me do you up the ass.
5. Iíll be your sugar daddy.
Iím just some dried-up old creep who will probably make your skin crawl when you touch me, but I work at Dell and I have enough money to woo some pathetic University of Texas co-ed into giving me a hand job every now and then in exchange for a new wardrobe from Urban Outfitters. Shoot me a pic and your PayPal account number.
6. Iím scary commitment guy.
Arenít there any women out there who actually want to spend the rest of their lives with someone? Girls always say they want commitment, but then they say no when I propose. On our second date, I expect to have our childrenís names picked out. If you canít handle that, then donít respond. Iím a REAL man and I want a REAL woman who still believes that REAL love is possible!
7. I can use free concert tickets to get laid.
I have an extra ticket to see John Mayer, and I donít have anyone to go with me. More accurately, Iím lonely and I canít get laid, so I bought an extra ticket so that some freeloading bitch will be my date just to see a free concert. At least let me get to second base; the tickets cost me $65!
8. Did you know that shallow assholes can float?
Weíre a bunch of completely shallow losers, but one of us owns a boat, and so weíd like to look really cool on the lake this weekend with a bunch of Playboy-type girls drinking beer and grinding to the top 40 on the bow of our boat. Send us a recent pic of you in a bikini and weíll decide if youíre hot enough to impress the other shallow assholes on boats.
9. I will suddenly and unexpectedly throw in an unrealistic weight requirement.
I just really want a down-to-earth girl. We can cuddle and watch movies, go out and eat, go bowling, whatever. Iím up for anything! Letís just enjoy each otherís company and see where it goes. (You must be under 120 pounds.)
10. Every girl Iíve ever dated has been crazy!
I refuse to think that Iím only attracted to psychos, or *gasp* that I might be perceiving everyone else as crazy when in fact Iím the one whoís nuts. Rather, I choose to believe that by pure coincidence, all of my exes have just been completely fucking nuts! Are there any normal girls out there with zero drama? Iím so sick of these incredibly hot girls with perfect bodies who turn out to be mentally unstable; Iím ready for an incredibly hot girl with a perfect body who I can MARRY. Are you out there?