1. I’m so tired of the bar scene!
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Obviously, this has nothing to do with my being tired of drinking beer and staring at your ass, it has to do with the fact that I’m getting too old and drunk to get anyone to come home with me anymore. I’ve also realized that peeling a girl off the bar where she’s passed out is not the best way to meet one with Marriage Material.
2. I want an outdoorsy girl!
Let’s go hiking, swimming, fishing, running, sailing, canoeing, camping, mountain climbing, bungee jumping, skydiving, spelunking, deep-sea diving, and so on until we’re so completely exhausted that we don’t even have the energy to have sex. It will help if we both take steroids.
3. Nice guys still exist!
Who, me? Just wanting to get into your pants? No way! I’m the “nice guy” that all the girls say they want, but never actually fuck! All you girls just want the "bad boys." I’m so sick of having my hot friends cry on my shoulders about their asshole boyfriends. Why doesn’t anyone ever want me? I’m here! I do exist! Love me! Trust me, I’m the ONLY guy on Craig’s List who isn’t just trying to get into your pants.
4. I’m so old fashioned.
That’s right—I know all the romantic, decent, passionate ways to get into your pants. I’ll pull out your chair, hold the door open for you, and send you dozens of roses. When I drop you off and give you a polite kiss on the cheek and thank you for a wonderful evening, our eyes will meet and I’ll just know deep inside from that special look in your eyes that soon enough, you’ll be letting me do you up the ass.
5. I’ll be your sugar daddy.
I’m just some dried-up old creep who will probably make your skin crawl when you touch me, but I work at Dell and I have enough money to woo some pathetic University of Texas co-ed into giving me a hand job every now and then in exchange for a new wardrobe from Urban Outfitters. Shoot me a pic and your PayPal account number.
6. I’m scary commitment guy.
Aren’t there any women out there who actually want to spend the rest of their lives with someone? Girls always say they want commitment, but then they say no when I propose. On our second date, I expect to have our children’s names picked out. If you can’t handle that, then don’t respond. I’m a REAL man and I want a REAL woman who still believes that REAL love is possible!
7. I can use free concert tickets to get laid.
I have an extra ticket to see John Mayer, and I don’t have anyone to go with me. More accurately, I’m lonely and I can’t get laid, so I bought an extra ticket so that some freeloading bitch will be my date just to see a free concert. At least let me get to second base; the tickets cost me $65!
8. Did you know that shallow assholes can float?
We’re a bunch of completely shallow losers, but one of us owns a boat, and so we’d like to look really cool on the lake this weekend with a bunch of Playboy-type girls drinking beer and grinding to the top 40 on the bow of our boat. Send us a recent pic of you in a bikini and we’ll decide if you’re hot enough to impress the other shallow assholes on boats.
9. I will suddenly and unexpectedly throw in an unrealistic weight requirement.
I just really want a down-to-earth girl. We can cuddle and watch movies, go out and eat, go bowling, whatever. I’m up for anything! Let’s just enjoy each other’s company and see where it goes. (You must be under 120 pounds.)
10. Every girl I’ve ever dated has been crazy!
I refuse to think that I’m only attracted to psychos, or *gasp* that I might be perceiving everyone else as crazy when in fact I’m the one who’s nuts. Rather, I choose to believe that by pure coincidence, all of my exes have just been completely fucking nuts! Are there any normal girls out there with zero drama? I’m so sick of these incredibly hot girls with perfect bodies who turn out to be mentally unstable; I’m ready for an incredibly hot girl with a perfect body who I can MARRY. Are you out there?