It has been less than a month since I broke up with my boyfriend, and it has been that long since I've gotten any sexual action. I'm not complaining. I've gone far longer without sex, and I'm sure there are many of you out there that have as well. In an effort to avoid sexual casualties, I'm not having meaningless, frivolous sex. I shall abstain.
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There is something about having sex on a daily basis, and then suddenly not having it anymore. It does something to you. It changes you. It's like having a cup of coffee twice a day, and then not having it anymore. You get headaches, right? So what happens when I don't get my daily dose of penis? Well, I've noticed the following series of maladies:
1. IRRITABILITY- Suddenly I'm aware of how annoying Eva Longoria is. I don't know what it is. Maybe it is the fact that she is representing us Latin actresses, but cannot seem to get a role that doesn't require her to be a "sex pot". What does that say about our culture? Where are the roles with substance? I know there are intelligent roles for Latin women, but there are few. I'm irritated.
In addition, my impatience in everything is increasing. I was in line at the grocery store, and I was watching some kid tying his shoes for fifteen minutes. I almost lunged at him and tied them myself. Those two minutes I spend waiting for my cup-o-soup to heat up in the microwave are interminable. I attritute this new impatience and irritability to my celibacy.
2. BLURRED VISION- Does that sign say "slow for pedestians" or "glow on partisans"? I have dubbed the nickname "squinty." Do I need a stronger prescription of glasses? Would that cure the double vision? It can't be age related. I'm only 21. I shall attribute this new blurred vision to my celibacy.
3. SEXUAL SYMBOLISM - Everything around me has a sexual connotation. Is it just me, but is Marge Simpson's hair do a phallic symbol? George W. Bush's face looks like a vagina. Trees? Phallic. Pumping gas into my car? Oh so sexual. Skyscrapers? Phallic. Hotdogs? Phallic. Even my neighbor looks like a walking penis with his shaven head. I attribute this to my celibacy.
4. INCORRECT GRAMMAR- You cannot imagine how many times I've spell checked this document. Is it spelled "grammar" or "grammer"? Do I use a comma or a semi-colon? I've never had this problem before. I attribute any occurences of incorrect grammar to my celibacy.
5. GERIATRIC MAGNETISM- Suddenly, everywhere I go I'm surrounded by old people. I'm talking about 70+. I don't have a problem with senior citizens, but I find it a strange occurence that they navigate towards me. Hell, I was at a club on college night last Thursday, and there was Sean Connery looking fellow standing beside me. WTF??? It's as if they can sense the unuse of genitalia and they think I'm one of them. I attribute this new geriatric magnetism to my celibacy.
6. THE DESIRE TO OWN A CAT - That homeless tabby looks so cute. Maybe I'll take him in. What? Wait a damn minute. . .I'm allergic! Why the hell do I suddenly want a cat? I shall attribute this strange desire to my celibacy.
7. DRIVING AT A SLOWER SPEED- I've always been a speed demon on the road, but lately I've been having old ladies in Lincoln Towncars pass me while giving me the finger. 80 miles an hour on the highway? No siree Spongebob! I drive at a solid 60 mph now. Why? I don't know, but I'll go ahead and attribute my slower speed to my celibacy.
8. KNITTING- I'm sitting in front of my television watching a riveting episode of House. I look down. There is a ball of yarn on my lap and I'm holding two needles. How did the yarn get there? And when did I learn how to knit? I attribute this phenomenon to my celibacy.
9. MASTERY OF PUZZLES- Jigsaw, crossword, cryptograms, or whatever. Somehow I'm an expert. I attribute this to my celibacy.
10. DECLINE OF HUMOR- Suddenly I'm not as funny or as clever as I used to be. I'm no longer on top of my game. My keen observations of the trivialties of life have turned into inane ramblings. I was once sharp, but now I'm dull. I'll consider this a phase, and I will attribute this to my celibacy.