Ursprünglich veröffentlicht: 2009-04-06 18:11 (no longer live)

How to write a successful W4W personal ad

Dear women of Austin:

I love you. As a queer myself, I know how useful the Internet can be in connecting with similar folk, and I have used it successfully. For that reason, I wanted to give you a few tips on writing posts that bring you responses from people of quality, people you may even find attractive.

We must begin with how the ad is written.

1. GET OFF THE CAPS LOCK. I know you're excited. The Internet can be scary, in a thrilling sort of way. But all caps makes you look insane. It conjures up the image of one of those people with no concept of volume or personal space, the type of person who thinks that you and she are destined to be together after one date, the kind of person that gets jealous when someone looks your way in the grocery store. Nobody wants that person. Nobody.

2. use the shift key. I will grant that I know some very intelligent people who have an allergy to the uppercase side of the alphabet, but it demonstrates lack of concern for others. This especially applies if the only word you capitalize is "I". There's some psychology there.

3. Spell-check, for Christ's sake. You are on a computer, you can find a spell checker. You might have a great personality, but the inability to spell simple words like "you" or "know" casts a knuckledragging tone over your whole post. You might even be suspected of being fourteen.

4. Punctuation. Use it, and use it correctly. There are only three dots in an ellipsis, like so (...), and I fear that at the current rate of use we will be facing record shortages within a decade. The same goes for the humble exclamation point, who never expected that he'd be forced into so many orgies. On the other hand, the comma is ready and willing to help break up your monster blocks of text.

5. No textspeak. Lol all you want, but it's not making you look anything but hysterical.

Next, we must discuss presentation.

1. Stand out. So you like the outdoors, music, dancing, and walking your dog. Congratulations, you are compatible with 90% of Austin lesbians. (The other 10% are too busy attempting to seduce their ex-girlfriend's girlfriend's sister's ex-girlfriend to read Craigslist.) Be more specific, and play up the quirkier aspects of your character. Being different can be a very good thing.

2. On the other hand, avoid alarming specificity. You may be absolutely sure that your dream girl is slightly butch but not really butch, between 5'6" and 5'9", with brown hair and blue eyes and cute glasses and really really loves Chuck Palahniuk , but you may be seriously limiting your chances of success with anyone if you put all that in an ad. This is true even if you are actually targeting your ex-girlfriend's girlfriend's sister's ex-girlfriend, and are too shy to actually, like, ask her out or something.

3. Don't be a bigot. "White or Hispanic women only" is a popular one. It makes the reader suspect the poster belongs to some sort of queer-friendly aryan supremacist group, one where they sew little rainbow patches on their hoods and robes. Similarly, the phrase "no fatties" has no appeal. Even if the reader is slim, she may feel disinclined to hook up with someone as deep as a midsummer puddle.

4. Don't be an obvious man. Not to say that dykes don't have any pubic hair preferences, but getting into the nitty-gritty of the downstairs carpet right away raises suspicion. Also, no one with half a brain is going to send you naked pictures and explicit messages right off the bat. Not any woman, anyway. Ruminate on that for a while.

5. Pictures. Most of us here have boobs and have had contact with other boobs. We are not terribly swayed by grainy photos of tits that may or may not actually belong to the poster. Anonymous bare boobies glisten with palpable desperation. There is also no need to post pictures of your face if you are only going to blur out all recognizable characteristics, unless of course you are hoping to attract tooth fetishists and compliments on your hair.

6. Partnered people: I understand the poly thing, believe me. But you all need to google "hot-bi-babe syndrome", please and thank you . Additionally, ladies, it is very obvious when your boyfriend is putting you up to posting here. Talk about yourself, not your hot pussy. That comes later (so to speak).

7. Spammers: You can at least take the time to make sure you change all the pronouns as you move from one section to the next.

Once you have this all down, we can move on to the business of answering ads.

1. Keep a lid on your neuroses. I once got a reply where the person, whom I had never spoken to before in my life, declared that if I did not answer her message she would conclude that I was shallow and judgemental. As it turned out, I was okay with that.

2. Describe yourself a bit. It's rather tiring to reply to messages that say nothing more than "I like your ad wanna chat?" Even the spambots and the lonely Russian mail-order brides are more talkative.

3. Abide by everything else written above.

A note on Missed Connections:

Missed Connections is a great place to vent. However, I think greater specificity can be a good thing. The more specific you are about the intended recipient, the less likely you are to have your post hijacked by nutjobs who get into heated dialogues with other nutjobs about things that happened with other people who are not the least bit aware of what's going on. If you are one of these nutjobs, go outside.

I hope these tips help you find the love, friendship, and pussy you are looking for. Good luck!

  • Location: Austin
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Anz.-ID: 1110342947