I haven't actually caught you in the act, but there is roach shit littered all over the shelves in my refrigerator. When I arrived, I made sure to remove all the components of said appliance and gave everything a thorough scrubbing, largely in part because of the unidentified rice-like pellets all over the place which I assumed was leftover food spilled by the previous occupant. Oh how wrong I was, as less than a week later there was a fresh covering of the stuff all over the sparklingly clean fridge shelf.
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At first I was perplexed as to how you were getting in as I'm pretty sure you don't possess the strength or even body weight needed in order to open the door. Ah, I see now. The vent that keeps the cold air circulating is effing HUGE and somehow you're getting into that and making your way into the unit. What I don't understand is how I never ever catch you in the act or even find any of you dead. You are crafty roaches and I commend you on your ability to hide and scurry and attack my food supply like fucking Al Qaeda. I HAVE seen you skulking around my baseboards a time or two and I have to say, you are REALLY FAST for your size, which, as anyone in the South can attest is FREAKING HUGE. In all likelihood you will outlive humans as a species and you are damn sure better at staying alive in general, but for now, get the fuck out of my apartment. Google tells me you like stinky things. Explore that impulse and leave me alone. I'm surprised you find my place all that palatable what with the odd smells coming from the place across the hall and what has got to be Funkatron 2008 in the crackhouse down the street.
Whatever you do, at the very least, please STOP SHITTING IN MY REFRIGERATOR.
- Location: Kirkwood
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