Dear Sir or Madam,
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As a long-time citizen of Asheville, I would like to extend my hand in gratitude to you on behalf of the citizens of this fair city I call my home. By remodeling -- née transforming -- the building which once housed the CVS Pharmacy on Haywood Street, you have not only helped Asheville cure its deficit of faux vintage tees and fake reading glasses, but also created an architectural marvel which will draw crowds for years to come. In the beginning, many lamented the loss of CVS. "Where will we find conveniently located feminine hygiene products?" they wailed! But now, after finally laying eyes on what has become of their once beloved pharmacy, I am certain these naysayers, these curmudgeons -- these nincompoops -- will agree that this view has been shortsighted.
You see, what I understand -- and which I am certain everyone else will come to understand -- is that you, Mr. or Mrs. Architect, have given our quaint mountain town something which CVS could never offer: ass. With not one, not two, but three conveniently placed eye-level windows on College Street and a brilliantly positioned check-out counter just beyond, you have given us the gift of buttocks. Now, when I stroll up College Street, I no longer have to look vacantly at some barren brick wall. No, now I can peer longingly at the glorious rumps and rear-ends of a cornucopia -- a plethora -- of Urban Outfitters cashiers, all because of a pane of glass and a person with the foresight to give the public what they want.
This is America. Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses? No! Give us butts in plain view and the ability to discreetly leer at them through a window as we amble up the sidewalk. Asheville -- like this fine country of ours -- contains a diverse spectrum of peoples, but we can all agree on the exquisite brilliance of backsides. And this is where your genius lies. You have united us one and all. From now on, everyone -- from the polo shirted roofier leaving The Vault to some smelly dude with face tattoos -- will be able to enjoy the rear ends of anonymous strangers, all while enjoying the grandeur of our beautiful downtown, a downtown you've helped to make just a little more beautiful and a little more grand.
- Location: College Street, Downtown
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests