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Big, blue quad-cab Dodge Ram 2500
Chops (dude, no)
Pale white skin
HUGE ASS FUCKING BOAT behind your obnoxious truck
Ugly white beat-up two-door sedan
Young and hip
Cute red hair
Also fair-skinned, but in a hot way
Pissed off, behind you, all the way through the parking lot and down Ingra to freaking NINTH
Are you serious, dude-with-the-boat? You must be, and I admire that in a man.
I mean, you were serious enough to determine my threat level as a female driver to be high enough that you felt a need to tear down the row behind me, even though I had been backing out for a good four seconds before you had actually reached my car - and then you squeezed in the half a foot between me and the row of cars behind me (did I mention you were towing a boat?), rather than wait for me to start pulling forward.
Serious men don't follow anyone.
And I believe this is also why you floored it to cut me off so you could get to the parking lot exit first.
With all this, I wasn't too worried, because you had shown yourself to be a man who efficiently uses his time. You would obviously exit the parking lot as fast as you drove within it.
Except, then you waited.
And I'll admit, after 5 minutes of waiting, I was turned on.
But when you sat through an entire light cycle, and I had to sit behind you for a good 9 minutes, well, I wanted to get out and jump your bones right there.
Forgive me; that may be because, unlike you, who's obviously on vacation (judging by the boat and hideous wife - I hope she's your wife, because if she's your mistress, you obviously don't make enough money to have an affair... although that would explain the boat), I have stuff to do. I am really busy lately, to the point where sometimes, I have to schedule the times that I am allowed to go get drunk with my friends and romantic interest, and as I sat behind your (crappy) boat, you slowly ate further and further into drunk-and-horny time.
In case you're wondering, I've only got enough time to write this because it is driving me crazy.
And then you pulled out into a crowd of about 500 cars, and because you are TOWING A BOAT, you held them up. They are probably as enamored with you as I am. You called to them like a pied piper, and because they had been made to wait so long, none of them would let me in, and there was nowhere for me to sneak in for like another 2 minutes.
But do not worry, because by some kind act of Fate, I was stuck behind you again before we hit Fireweed.
And I got to follow you all the way down Ingra, because every time I tried to pass you, you got in front of me. I began to think you were doing it on purpose. Then there was a cop, and neither one of us could speed - which you took to mean you should go five miles below the speed limit all the way down. The cop took this as suspicious behavior, and he did the same. I was trapped.
After all this, I realized I shouldn't be mad. You're hot in a non-descript, middle-aged-idiot kind of way, dude-with-a-boat. If your fugly wife ever leaves you and you forget why no girl in their right mind would ever date you if you live the way you drive (LIKE A RETARD), hit me up. Maybe I can pencil you in... if I don't get stuck in traffic.