Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2009, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2009-10-04T21:51:12-04:00 2 daily the drudgery of adulthood for single, free-spirited life http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1406553705.html Tired, achy, worn-down 39 year old seeks to trade one weekend with his 20 year old former self. 20 year old former self will get a gut, thinning hair, bills, a honey-do list a mile long, a soul-killing job, and the realization that it's going to be another 26 years to retirement. Tired, achy, worn down 39 year old will get a flat stomach, chest and arm muscles, a full head of hair, and access to keg parties and tipsy 18 year old college women. More than willing to make this a permanent thing. <ul> <li> Location: Fairfax, VA <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-04T21:51:12-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1406553705.html the drudgery of adulthood for single, free-spirited life text Morally Bankrupt - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1340430020.html I saw you in my bankruptcy class. I was so distracted by you that I could barely pay attention to the riveting lecture about the history of bankruptcy law. I imagine that you are a creditor and I am a bankrupt and I will have to work off my debt for you or risk debtor's prison. You can have whatever you want; no state law exemptions. I want you to declare bankruptcy all over me. I am sick of ending my nights pro se. I promise if you entertain my claim that you will have a huge judgment entered in your favor over and over again. We can even violate the Model Rule of Professional Responsibility and engage in a 108(j). My interests include hilarious law-based puns; and mocking others. If you think we are a match, let's grab a drink after class. I know it's a weeknight but my parents let me stay out as late as I want to as long as I call by 11pm to check in with them. P.S. I am neither the ginger nor the weird guy next to you. <ul> <li> Location: law school <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-24T19:08:04-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1340430020.html Morally Bankrupt - m4w text Lone Wanderer seeks her Charon - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1283260350.html I know this is strange but the heart continues to want what it wants. In short, I'm a 25 year old female who's sustained some pretty harsh injuries and I'm going stir crazy. I've traveled the world as a drifter/hitchhiker, I'm currently a working musician, writer and dog trainer. I also have a degree in veterinary technology. I'm slightly insane but perhaps in a good way. Um...chaotic neutral, eager to please and have had a ridiculously eventful life. This down time is hard for me. Someone recently likened me to Harold and Maude all in one package and I that sounds about right. I look a little like a Raider I suppose. You: Charon from Fallout 3. Yes, you read that right. You are a gigantic, deceptively stoic ghoul bodyguard. Someone who can stay in character well and satisfy the strange compulsion/crush I continue to have have on that damned ghoul. Someone who is creative enough to characterize him and suspend my disbelief again. I find myself only able to speak to someone who's fronting as this character. I don't open up easily and I just...don't get it either. If you are suffering from boredom and can roleplay this character well, there is a good chance I can help you with that boredom. I don't seem to get tired of this. So. I have your contract and our time in the Wastes was short. You're still in DC and I, your "employer" am here only accessible via remote terminal. The employer/Charon relationship would be strictly instant messenger/email and possibly phone but only if you can do the voice really well. Maybe it will remain civil and friendly, maybe it will turn into something a little more adult. It usually does. I'd prefer something frequent and long term if possible, with room for progression into something different maybe. Before receiving a batch of pointless, off topic emails, I feel I have to add this: All messages that clearly don't get what I'm asking for here will simply be ignored and deleted. Do not send me your photo or your stats! Your height, weight, race, etc are irrelevant because you are actually a cranky, sexually repressed, 6'8 irradiated manservant from the Underworld. Someone over 25+ would be preferable. That is my only stipulation but it is not a hard limit. It seems that spelling and grammar improve with age is all. Good spelling and grammar are an absolute must! I had an excellent Charon before but he...vanished and I find myself sadly looking for a replacement. I need a rebound Charon in case he doesn't come back...although I am still hoping he does. Getting my heart broken by an NPC is something I'll add to the vast list of things I've experienced that make me keep writing music. Here's hoping you're out there. Please message me in character. This is important. I will make it worth your while! <ul> <li> Location: The Nothern Wastes <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-22T13:49:56-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1283260350.html Lone Wanderer seeks her Charon - w4m text Free Office Chair (May Have Been Sat in by Ralph Nader) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1210410010.html Yes, that's right. Ralph Nader, perennial Green Party candidate for the U.S. presidency MAY have sat in this very chair! It was used in his Washington, DC campaign headquarters until I purchased it on Craiglist several months ago. It has a nice red, commie upholstery and a sleek black plastic backing. The wheels don't function well, but that is a small price to pay for state control of the means of production. I am giving it away for FREE, in keeping with the utopian ideals of the ass that may have once graced this unassuming little office chair. Pictures available upon request, comrades. <ul> <li> Location: 2637 16th St. NW <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-06-07T20:53:15-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1210410010.html Free Office Chair (May Have Been Sat in by Ralph Nader) text Rant: Father's Day http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1209237294.html My wife asks, "what do I want for Father's Day?" Nice fucking question. My answer: fuck Father's Day. How about, every day: --a little respect for the one who has to go out and bust his ass earning the money every day, taking risks and making tough decisions, then come home and raise the children because you collapse in front of the TV as soon as I come through the door (sure, I'll order dinner, AGAIN). --not expecting me to raise you; you're an adult, complain to your fucking girlfriends instead of me and let me spend that time with the kids. They need my time more than you need my time. For fuck's sake, don't interrupt me when I'm with the kids (especially when I'm helping with their homework, god-almighty) crying with some bullshit about your best friend being a bitch. She IS a bitch, get over it. --respecting the role that the man of the house plays (or should play): telling the kids the dog is dead, unclogging the toilet, doing the yardwork in 95 degree weather, holding the kid when the doctor sticks a huge fucking needle in him, bailing out the daughter at 2 am when her car breaks down, going to see the principal when there's trouble at school, trying to keep us out of hock and in our home. Doing all the dirty work that you can't or won't do. --giving me five fucking minutes of my own time, just to read the goddamn newspaper. Yes, I'm ignoring you, take a hint. --respecting the man who is household CFO by clipping fucking coupons, getting your hair cut at the mall instead of the fucking salon, making coffee instead of buying it at some overpriced cafe, wearing each piece of clothing more than three times, and not buying tons of shit online because you're depressed. We have no savings, barely making the mortgage, the 401K is bust, and retirement is closer than you think. We also need to teach our kids that you don't buy shit to solve your problems and that you can be happy without spending a lot of money. That's important, because more than likely our kids are not going to make six figures right out of school. And even if they did--money doesn't buy happiness (duh). --teaching the kids to respect me by not fucking badmouthing me to them (yes, they tell me) and backing me up when I make a decision (you could make a decision every once in a while too, you know). --teaching the kids to respect you by not acting like a fucking idiot, not letting them walk all over you, not letting them eat shit and sit in front of the TV all day. --respecting the one who has to be every day the one with balls, drive, who has to be strong for the kids, set a good example, leave work for games and recitals when shit is going crazy at work, help the kids when they screw up, cheer for them when they do good, hold them when they cry, talk them through the disappointments, sacrifice everything for the kids when the chips are down, and never regrets it for even one second, because he loves them with an intensity that has no equal. So: no fucking tie, cologne, golf balls, or any of that shit. You know what I want on Father's Day? I want a card from the kids. I want to spend the whole day, uninterrupted, with them. Doing whatever. Maybe make some sandwiches and bike down to the river for a picnic. Take a frisbee and just hang out for the day. That would be great. As for you, do whatever the fuck you want on Father's Day, but please for one day don't spend a ton of fucking money, stab me in the back, or undercut me as I try to lead this family. Maybe you can have your friend the bitch over for coffee while I take the kids out (you can make coffee at home you know, we have ground coffee and a coffee maker, I use it every day, you don't have to go to fucking Starbuck's and spend $20). And don't call me, my cell will be off. And at the end of the day, I'd like to turn on the game, and raise a beer to all the good dads out there, the ones who are strong, live up to their responsibilities, kick ass or take a bullet for their kids when they have to, love their kids without limits, and manage to raise them with or without the help of a functioning co-parent. You guys rock. The rest of you dads: fuck you. Thank you. Dad <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-06-06T23:37:17-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1209237294.html Rant: Father's Day text Help!! Wife Found Out About Mistress http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1208890635.html My Wife Found Out About My Mistress--Now You Can Have Her Things were going along just fine for the last few years. She and I had occasion to meet regularly, sometimes every evening in a week, if only for a few minutes at a time. We had one of those relationships where everything just seemed to click. It was like she was made for me. But then my wife found out. You could say she wasn't very happy with how I was spending my time. You could also say the Grand Canyon is a good-sized hole in the ground. So now I'm left with the unpleasant task of having to find a new companion for my mistress. Normally I'd just walk away, no strings, no fuss. But I just can't bring myself to do that to her. It's a curious thing, but once you meet her I'm sure you'll understand. Let me tell you a little bit about her. She's blonde, but not one of those blondes you see on the street every day. No bottled, bleached, fakey blonde here. Just beautiful, natural, rich blonde of the most enticing hues. In sunlight it's almost mesmerizing. I've never been anywhere with her that people didn't comment on how beautiful she is--women as well as men. It's just how she is--it's like people can't help but say something when they see her. I know how they feel. I've felt that way ever since I first saw her. How did we meet? Well, that's a story all in itself. Funny thing is, she comes from a family of beauties. Before I met her, I saw one of her sisters out with a friend of mine. Being the witty guy I imagine myself to be, I asked that ever-original question, "Does she have a sister?" My friend, enjoying a good laugh at my expense, asked what I would like if I could have anything I wanted. I told him, but it wasn't until over a year later that I found out I had described her to a T. I was stunned the first time I saw her--even more stunned when he told me she was willing to go home with me. Well, I couldn't take her home, of course, and so started our clandestine relationship. We would never be seen in public by anyone who knew me. I much preferred to stay in with her anyway--who needs a smoky night club when you have companionship like her? And what companionship! Words can hardly describe her. Slender, with curves in all the right places--if you know what I mean. Her favorite outfit is nothing but a little gold above the neck and around her waist. Seductive doesn't even begin to describe the nature of that look! Speaking of looks, here are a few pictures so you can have a look at her. If you're interested in taking her home with you, please contact me. I won't let her go with just anyone, but if the terms are right, I'm sure we can come to an agreement. Just do youself a favor: if you're married, don't let your wife find out. On the other hand, I'm told there are women who would love to have her in their house, too. I don't know about any of that, but as long as it's a good home, I'll be happy for her. <a href="http://s353.photobucket.com/albums/r370/cortplayer/PRS%20HBII/?action=view&current=PRSHBII-Overall.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i353.photobucket.com/albums/r370/cortplayer/PRS%20HBII/th_PRSHBII-Overall.jpg" border="0"></a><a href="http://s353.photobucket.com/albums/r370/cortplayer/PRS%20HBII/?action=view&current=PRSHBII-Body.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i353.photobucket.com/albums/r370/cortplayer/PRS%20HBII/th_PRSHBII-Body.jpg" border="0"></a><a href="http://s353.photobucket.com/albums/r370/cortplayer/PRS%20HBII/?action=view&current=PRSHBII-Birds.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i353.photobucket.com/albums/r370/cortplayer/PRS%20HBII/th_PRSHBII-Birds.jpg" border="0"></a><a href="http://s353.photobucket.com/albums/r370/cortplayer/PRS%20HBII/?action=view&current=PRSHBII-Hardware.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i353.photobucket.com/albums/r370/cortplayer/PRS%20HBII/th_PRSHBII-Hardware.jpg" border="0"></a><a href="http://s353.photobucket.com/albums/r370/cortplayer/PRS%20HBII/?action=view&current=PRSHBII-Headstock.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i353.photobucket.com/albums/r370/cortplayer/PRS%20HBII/th_PRSHBII-Headstock.jpg" border="0"></a><a href="http://s353.photobucket.com/albums/r370/cortplayer/PRS%20HBII/?action=view&current=PRSHBII-SerialNumber.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i353.photobucket.com/albums/r370/cortplayer/PRS%20HBII/th_PRSHBII-SerialNumber.jpg" border="0"></a> Now that I have your attention, here are the details. This is a custom-ordered 2002 Paul Reed Smith McCarty Hollowbody II. I really did wait 13 months for delivery. Why am I selling? I'm shifting away from instruments (of course I have too many!) and into my recording studio gear. This guitar has never been played out. It's in beautiful condition. Here are some features: - Carved flame maple top and back. I didn't order a 10 top, but I've never seen closer to perfect with better flame--front or back. The clear natural finish really shows the wood off, and with the gold hardware it has a very unique character. - Mahogany sides and neck (wide fat) - 22 frets; 25-inch scale length - Rosewood fingerboard - Abalone bird inlays (added option) - Archtop Treble and Archtop Bass humbucker pickups with gold covers - 3-way toggle, volume and tone knobs - Stoptail - Locking gold tuners with ebony knobs (added option) - Gold hardware (added option) - Leather archtop hard case - All original tags and paper included I'd like to find a home for this guitar that would put her in the hands of a player who can do her justice. That's not me. I once had a conceit that my playing would rise to the quality of the guitar, but I've had to face the hard truth that I'm a techie and a voice guy, not a player. If you're the player for her, let me know. Serious inquiries only. Cash, money order or PayPal only. $4100.00 <ul> <li> Location: Haymarket <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-06-06T18:04:55-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1208890635.html Help!! Wife Found Out About Mistress text To All the Women Obsessed with Me - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1127251185.html Look, I'm a good looking guy, that's fine. But why not just ask me out instead of playing all these silly games? All day long, I'm running into women of all sorts who just STARE at me shamelessly, through their EPV (extreme peripheral vision). You think I don't notice, but trust me, it's obvious. The young waitress at Chili's?? Smiling at me, touching my shoulder and tossing her hair seductively with every refill of my diet coke?? FRIKKIN ALL OVER ME!! Then I leave my customary 5% tip, and next time I come in she's even more obsessive, trying to play "hard to get" by avoiding my section completely. The older lady who approached me at Barnes and Noble, who has her own business and is looking for people just like me to help her expand in the area???!?? Like I don't know what THAT'S all about!! I bet there's nothing she'd like more than for me to expand in her "area"!! The well-endowed blonde bartender with the wedding ring.. who calls me "Hun" every time I order another gin&tonic... YOU'RE MARRIED, YOU FILTHY NASTY FUCKING WHORE!! Well, I've resorted to posting on craigslist, so I can use the anonymity to help mask my amazing looks and irresistible charm. But no doubt some of my internet stalkers will find me anyways, offering to let me see them "live 24/7" showering with their sorority sisters. If you can approach me with confidence so we don't have to play these silly games, I'd love to hear from you. p.s. - I'm not attracted to Nigerian women, no matter how much money they are willing to put in my bank account. Nothing personal <ul> <li> Location: DC <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-17T16:15:23-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1127251185.html To All the Women Obsessed with Me - m4w text Actor needed for emotional role – One day high pay http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1126876415.html My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain. Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic, their girls. Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best. This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation. <ul> <li> Location: DC, MD, VA <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-17T12:52:30-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1126876415.html Actor needed for emotional role – One day high pay text We Met at last Nights Orgy But did Not Get your Name - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1120382823.html I wanted to talk to you, but you are so much more attractive than most of the middle-aged has-beens in last night's pile that I couldn't get a moment alone, or even as part of a threesome or foursome with you. There was a brief moment, while you were reverse cowgirling that old guy and jerking off two midgets while orally satisfying the butch chick in the leather chaps, when our eyes met, and it was magic. First, I want to be clear that I wasn't calling you a filthy whore, it was the woman I was doggy-styling, and that was only after her repeated insistence that I talk dirty to her. I promise I would treat you more respectfully than that. I also want to make clear that I don't normally go down on other guys, but since you were taken and she was the only other attractive woman there, and part of the package was that her husband had to get in on the action, well, desperate times call for desperate acts... Anyway, the point is, I think I love you. I know, we've not met, and I don't think any of my semen actually ended up in you, though we can't be sure of that, now can we, but probably not, so that makes us complete strangers. But there was that moment, that electric moment, before you started to gyrate wildly and cry out in some foreign language (was that French? I love French), and before I had to take on that unsavory but necessary oral task that I'd just as soon forget, except for this persistent heartburn I've got today, when we connected, and it was as if I could see into your soul, and you into mine. So can't we give it a try? All I'm asking for is a cup of coffee. And perhaps a threesome, if your roommate is hot, or if we meet a sexy stranger on the street. But let's just start by getting to know each other, okay? <ul> <li> Location: DC <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-13T14:14:28-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1120382823.html We Met at last Nights Orgy But did Not Get your Name - m4w text Republican at CPAC http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1052407044.html Yo... young Republican guy here, attending CPAC this weekend. Looking for a discreet, masculine guy to fool around with. Conservative, closeted guys preferred... would like to meet someone attending CPAC (there are plenty of guys looking for action there), so we have something to talk about. Into making out, jerking off, oral... maybe fucking. I'm 5'9, masculine, 7"uc, brown/ blue. Be in good shape, under 30, and drug/ disease free. Send pics in first email. Would prefer to meet up at your place, since I'm sharing a room.... <ul> <li> Location: DC <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-02-27T00:45:18-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1052407044.html Republican at CPAC text You worthless bag of filth http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1051162624.html You vulgar little maggot. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a slug than be seen with you. You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon. You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beast who sired you and then killed himself in recognition of what he had done. Your daddy was a bastard, your mamma was a whore, and you wouldn't be here if the rubber hadn't tore. I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a booger. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell? You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Sheep won't have sex with you––only trash such as yourself. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake? You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile, one-handed, slack-jawed, drooling, meatslapper. On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of a used condom. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go. You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill. You are a fiend and a coward, and you have toe jam. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away forever. I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid, so stupid it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left. <ul> <li> Location: You swine <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-02-26T07:37:14-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1051162624.html You worthless bag of filth text Don't Work? Won't Call? I might be the girl for you http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1008965722.html Well, since I seem to have a very specific type, I'll just lay it out there. I'm apparently really into the shiftless layabouts. If you are unemployed, unmotivated and possibly still live with your parents... you could be next in my long line of failed relationships! Just think of it... an educated woman to show you how things work (hey, I'm even handy around the house - you won't have to raise a finger!). A woman with drive, ambition and goals to contrast your utter lack of motivation. A girl with a thick skin who can roll with the punches and both dish out AND take jokes... I'll be happy to be the one who doesn't sugar-coat things so that you can blame ME for all of your hurt feelings and failures. It's probably even ALREADY my fault and you haven't even emailed me! I am completely co-depedant, so you don't have to worry about me booting you to the curb over petty things (like finances, commitment or general civility). In fact, you could probably take my cash, sleep with another girl and then come over and break some things in my house and I'd just clean it up and continue along our path of destruction. So if you're looking for a lady to use and abuse, I'm your girl! I have a house, a car, a life, friends, pets and my shit together. Please, I need some sort of zeitgeist in my life to screw all of this up! It's been way too long since I've been reminded of how awesome it is to be undervalued. I'm over on minutes this month, otherwise I'd put my phone number up for you to call right away (either from your parents' landline or collect, from jail). So just email me and maybe we can work something out. Pick you up? Well, yeah, if you need me to! Baltimore? No problem. It's only about an hour's drive. I don't mind one bit, I've got nothing but time! <ul> <li> Location: Alexandria <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-01-26T18:45:09-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1008965722.html Don't Work? Won't Call? I might be the girl for you text Jewish girl who passed out in my bed - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1001706735.html You: Jewish, attractive and drunk Me: Not Jewish (Gentile), dashing, gazelle on the dance floor and drunk In case you were as blacked out as I think you were, I feel as though I should reintroduce myself. You were dancing around and enjoying the festive cake and brownies at the JCC inaugural bar mitzvah…I mean inaugural ball, before cabbing to Chinatown and passing out in my bed. Nothing makes me swoon for interfaith relationships like a girl who passes out in my lap in the back of a cab. You might be asking yourself “why did that sweet boy not call me?” or “did I really wake up in a random guy’s bed in Chinatown?” and other important questions to gauge whether or not last night was a dream, drunken haze or bittersweet reality. Allow me to answer those questions. While I have not called you, I did text you to make sure you succeeded in getting a cab at 7am and making it to work on time. However, in the heat of the moment last night, you either you gave me the wrong number, or we were both so F’ed up that the number went into my phone incorrectly. My equally blacked out friend (who you met in the bathroom and introduced us on the dance floor) pawned you off on me – the responsible, mitzvah-seeking guy who had been hitting on you most of the night – when it became clear that you could not effectively locate any of your belongings or coherently tell us where you lived. Upon stumbling into my apt, you decided the party must go on, albeit you couldn’t stand or keep your eyes open. Again, quality traits I look for when asking myself, “could I see myself converting for this woman?” Once you changed into my clothes and passed out immediately in my bed, I wasn’t sure whether to sleep on the floor or in my bed. However, the cute way you drunkenly mumbled to yourself “I should stop drinking on Tuesdays” as you woke up, confirmed my decision to sleep in bed and make sure you didn’t suffocate in the sea of pillows before you. I must say, the morning wasn’t as awkward as I thought it’d be. I figured you’d freak out, not knowing where you were or whose bed you were in. You took relative comfort in how I left a big glass of water and Excedrin (not rufies) on the table. After offering you more clothing to keep you warm outside and walking you out to get a cab, I went back to bed saying to myself, “I think that classy woman might be the one.” If you’re reading this, my offer to take you out to dinner still stands. I'm a mensch at heart and will bring the Manischewitz. <ul> <li> Location: Chinatown-Gallery Place <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-01-21T12:25:25-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1001706735.html Jewish girl who passed out in my bed - m4w text Dear Mr Scammer, I am sorry http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/987443049.html Dear Mr. Scammer I owe you a few apologies: • I am sorry for responding and saying sure I am happy to engage in a bizarre business deal with you knowing full well it isn’t real. • I am sorry you wasted time to print a horrible fake check. • I am sorry you spent $4.90 UPS’ing it to me overnight. • I am sorry for taking a few days to get back to you after I got the check and ask you for your phone number which you can’t give me. I knew that and still I emailed you for the phone number. • I am sorry that I lied to you and said I could not find a western union office near me, making you look them up, emailing me a list and me telling you those two liquor stores are shut down. • I am sorry that I lied to you about getting pissed at the western union office because they wanted $1.75 to cut a check and that I said that’s robbery and left in a huff. The truth is I never went there in the first place. Sorry for wasting your time that day. • I’m sorry I lied the next day after you threaten to call the FBI and local police on me because I cashed your check and would not pay you. I knew you would not, but I wrote you an email begging you not to call the police and that I would pay you tomorrow after I cashed the check. • I’m sorry that I lied the next day and said the western union office girl was rude to me so I left in anger, again delaying your money by another day. • Im sorry I lied about sending the money to western union in your name vs the shipper so you could not pick it up. I realize this cost you a day or so. • I am really sorry that I lied and said that the money order was at your western union, but off by 1 zip code making you drive 30 minutes to find out I am a liar. • Your last email to me was justified. Obviously from your language you were pissed. The fact that as you "YELLED” and your grasp of the English language seemed to fade away like my Mom’s when she is livid showed me what a bad person I am. • Your phone call from Africa? was upsetting because as you were trying to explain to me how to go down to western union and pay the $1.75 and you would pick up the fee, I realized how frustrated you were getting. I also lied about being hard of hearing and asking you to yell. Sorry. All in all, I am sorry for sucking up your bandwidth. I realize that my actions probably sucked up 6-10 hours of your time and kept you from fleecing some gullible person in America. Please forgive me. Go ahead and send me another forged check and I will send you my cash to your shipper. Please try me again. Even though I lied you to about 15 times I won’t do it again. Your friendly computer person. MHF <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-01-10T11:48:21-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/987443049.html Dear Mr Scammer, I am sorry text FreeBSD Server, don't hurt your back. - $00 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/985904016.html Pacific, my old friend, it is time for you to move on. I remember when I first brought you home from Aaron's house, back in Cleveland. I wonder how many of that first batch of parts I put into you were hot? I'm pretty sure the video card was. Whatever, I got a good price. You were beautiful. You weren't so strong then, but when we realized that your insides had slowed down, and I updated you to a dual Pentium II motherboard you were the cat's meow and you haven't slowed down a bit since. After that you became my desktop (desk-under) machine. Yeah, that was when we first moved to VA back in 2000! I remember that around then I upgraded you to some crazy amount of RAM, I think doing that was the first time I'd ever seen 256M on a single stick. It was when work gave me a laptop that you really came into your own. Pacific.*********.net was what the world knew for its SMTPd and FTPd, but I knew a softer side. I knew a Pacific.int that was an NFSd, and an SSHd. You were my $HOME. We even had a Telechat-ng port we kept open for a little while. I might be rollin' off to the night-shift with that hot Dell Latitude, but I always kept a screen(1) session running with you. I remember how happy you were when you first fell in NTP synch with Panama.int in early 2001. You had two disks and a quiet fan then. As you matured, you became an important member of your network. You were reliable (thanks to the UPS hanging off your Si0) so you were elected to serve as syslogd. After you realized how useful you could be to your community, you were hungry for more, so I fed you six giant 9 GB disks and that SCSI-II RAID card I got from Ted. The most expensive part of the whole project were the SCSI-I:SCSI-II adapters and the damn cables. But wow, you looked good. You were a server to be proud of. You had processing power, storage space, and enough RAM to be a desktop (well ... not as much by that point). You would run PERL scripts and cron(8) stuff for me all day. That's how we snagged that one domain for LB's friend, remember? Good times! But things were never the same between us after the move. We had lived apart in the same house for so long when you had that basement bedroom all by yourself, that we didn't really know each other any more. While you were in storage you got cold. And when you finally came back to live with me, I hadn't realized how loud you'd become as your fans aged. And six SCSI disks, well. When we last were sleeping together you only had two, I'll say it like that. When we moved into this little townhouse, we just couldn't share space like the old days and you moved on. Emotionally, I mean. I see now that you don't really belong in this network anymore. I mean, for one thing, you've got a cord. The world is a wireless place and you're just not equipped for that. You could change, but you don't want to. You don't really belong to me anymore. So go, be free. Be free to someone who loves old hardware, or who needs a 36 GB RAID array. Be with them. Start a new relationship. I hope you find a perfect match. I'll be genuinely happy for you. With you. I mean, we'll still be friends, right? But, Pacific, for the love of space itself, DON'T JUST SIT THERE MOPING SILENTLY AT THE TOP OF MY STAIRS FOR ANOTHER WEEK! Move on! Let ME move on! I will never forget the times we had. I will always cherish those memories. In my heart I will hold the time we spent together very dear. I do not feel affection for you today, but I will always love you. always. Goodbye, my friend. May your current be constant and your carrier be clear. <ul> <li> Location: Broad & VA in Falls Ch Cty <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-01-09T02:37:50-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/985904016.html FreeBSD Server, don't hurt your back. - $00 text A Letter to the Girl Who Was Making Eyes at me Today on the Bus - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/950989517.html Dear girl who was making eyes at me today on the bus: I saw you making eyes at me today on the bus. Thanks- it was a big boost to my self esteem while I was on my way to get a haircut. In fact, your amorous glances almost made me second-guess my intentions. In the end, however, I imagined that my post-haircut appearance would make for even more eyes in the future. Anyway, I’ve got a piece of business to take care of with you. I am not a particularly outgoing individual when it comes to flirtation, but I do know when to take a hint. Eye-making is a big indicator that I should try to start a conversation. Here’s the problem: you were listening to music. The tiny white iPod headphones that were filling your head with tunes also served as an iron curtain between you making eyes at me and me starting a conversation. Now, my first instinct was to guess that maybe you were not actually making eyes, but instead looking at me because I had a booger. Well, I will have you know that upon arriving at the haircutter’s, I went into the bathroom to discover a boogerless under-nostril area. Furthermore, I could detect no glaring physical imperfections that would have caught your attention, especially from four seats away and across the aisle. This leads me to believe that you were, in fact, making eyes at me today on the bus. So why, my friend, would you pursue making eyes at me today on the bus while still listening to your music. Are you also a shy flirter? If so, then I would say that we have something in common. In fact, we probably could have talked about how shy we are when it comes to flirting. But, as I have already stressed, conversation was impossible as you were listening to music. Maybe you were trying to idealize me to yourself. Maybe you thought that by speaking to me, you would shatter the perfect picture you had painted in your head. Well listen- I’m not perfect, but neither are you. I mean, can’t two people just talk to each other and get to know each other and see where life takes them instead of being too afraid to pursue something for the fear that it might not work out? I know what you were thinking. A house right? A house with a white picket fence, three kids, a dog and my green Prius in the driveway. Hey, that sounds great. It sounds safe, pleasant, and enjoyable. But I’m 21 years old, and I’m not ready to settle down yet. I’ve got dreams and plans, and I can’t just throw them all away for you. Listen, we had a moment back there. But that is in the past now. Another time, another place, sure, maybe we can make things work. But right now? I need to be my own man. I need to travel, adventure and sow my wild oats. So I’m sorry, but things just aren’t going to work out. Maybe next time you make eyes at me on the bus, you will do it free-eared. Then, and only then, we can see where life takes us. Public transportationively yours, Tom. <ul> <li> Location: Tenleytown <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-12-09T10:08:05-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/950989517.html A Letter to the Girl Who Was Making Eyes at me Today on the Bus - m4w text My confession 26M http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/949686666.html A hobby of mine that nobody knows about is I like to be the first customer to take a shit at a new business. I find all the new businesses opening up such as grocery stores, Home Depots, restaurants, etc and I will walk in there first minute they are open for business and go right to the men’s room and take a huge shit. I have been doing this for 6 years now and have been the first customer to shit in over 110 stores throughout the area. I always buy something after so I can really be a customer. The night before I usually eat some bean burritos from Taco Bell and follow it up with a 20oz coffee on my way to the store early the next morning so I get the bubble gut which allows me a better chance of destroying the bathroom. I have been the 1st person to shit in many new businesses throughout Northern VA. I currently have 3 businesses that I’m waiting to open up for the public. I will make sure I’m the 1st to shit in the bathroom as a paying customer. I usually flush but sometimes if it’s a massive one that requires a lot of toilet paper I will just leave it sitting, sort of like my calling card. <ul> <li> Location: NOVA <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-12-08T11:24:22-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/949686666.html My confession 26M text Married Woman Needs a Really Smart Doormat http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/942098294.html My wife needs a man. And not just any man. Oh, no. She needs a man who is very handsome, very accomplished, highly educated, very articulate, reasonably wealthy, and who is a good listener. Here's the kicker: you must have so little self-esteem that being completely submissive comes to you as naturally as the way a light turns off when somebody hits the switch. And then comes on again when a certain someone changes their mind just a moment later. Do you like hours and hours of antiquing on beautiful summer days and offering meaningless approval of others' purchases? Hey, good. Do you like being asked about home decorating selections by someone who has no intention of actually taking your opinions? Very good. You're on a roll. Do you mind abandoning your friendships and foregoing the chance to make new ones? Hey, excellent! Would it bother you if long-held plans that you were kinda looking forward to are routinely abandoned without notice? No, of course you wouldn't. Hey - you're really rocking now. Those pots and pans you were told to remove from the dishwasher - like, you weren't actually planning on putting them somewhere without first consulting someone, were you? Oh, good. Do you have the ability to nod and utter "um-hmm" at socially appropriate moments for long periods of time without actually asking or saying anything? (You can't try and avoid this by listening to your iPod on long car trips. I've tried this. It does not work. I have two busted pairs of earphones to show for it.) If all that is true, then certainly you won't mind it if the Redskins game you were looking forward to ALL FREAKING WEEK is switched off in favor of an epidode of HGTV's "My Home is Worth What?" that you're pretty sure you sat through two weeks ago. If you have all of these qualities and promise to be a decent role model to my children, I'll bankroll you in a comfortable lifestyle at a level to be determined by my wife's yet-to-be-hired lawyer. You'll enjoy a four bedroom suburban colonial with a pretty damn nice kitchen. You'll have your own space in a two-car garage for your car. You'll have a small, yappy little dog with bad breath that is yours to walk on a rhinestone-studded, hot-pink leash - first thing every morning and last thing every evening. And you'll have a one-acre lawn to keep manicured. (Neglect it at your peril, friend.) After the holidays are gone, so am I. You can reach me by satellite phone. I'll be on the deck of a leaky old bass boat off the coast of Florida drinking a Corona and listening to some Jimmy Buffett and thinking about something other than the balance of my 401(k). Oh - I almost forgot: there will be no sex. Like, none. If you're interested, hit me up with an e-mail and we'll get you all fixed up. <ul> <li> Location: Rockville <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-12-02T13:46:56-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/942098294.html Married Woman Needs a Really Smart Doormat text Room for Rent -- Inauguration Day/ObamaCon 2009 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/914613135.html In a search of a room in DC so that you can spend Jan. 20 standing in the bitter winter cold with thousands of like-minded souls watching the historic transfer of power from one Harvard grad to another? Look no further. Me: Heartless, greedy right-wing oppressive type looking to make a buck. You: Obama's election was Christmas/your first kiss/May Day all wrapped into one. You dutifully wore his button -- which you have yet to remove -- contributed money to his campaign from your non-profit job and chanted "yes we can" as if it were the 11th commandment. A strange void now exists in your life and -- like an old hippie looking to recapture the spirit of Woodstock -- you are undertaking a pilgramage to Washington for one last gulp of the Kool-Aid. Along with my bedroom you will have access to the house's many amenities including cable television (not that you watch much TV) for viewing Keith Olberman's latest unhinged rants and CNN in high-def. Wireless internet means that the Huffington Post and DailyKos are only a click away on your MacBook. American flags and other patriotic paraphernalia in the room can be removed upon request. The house is located in the diverse neighborhood of Adams Morgan with people of many different skin pigmentations that will allow you to revel in your tolerance. Rest assured, however, that this diversity does not extend to ideology and that you are sure to march lock-step with the prevailing sentiment ensuring that your most strongly held beliefs remain unchallenged. Easily accessible subway and bus stops will help ensure a minimal carbon footprint while fair trade coffee is never more than a few steps away at any number of independently-owned establishments. Nearby non-chain bookstores similarly mean that tomes such as Mao's Little Red Book, Chomsky's latest masterpiece or additional copies of The Audacity of Hope can be easily purchased either for yourself or as early holiday shopping. Rather than state a price I am requesting that you bid on this fabulous opportunity to ensure profit maximization on my part so that I can better weather the Bush Recession. Lanier Pl. at Ontario   <a target="_new" href="http://maps.google.com/?q=loc%3A+Lanier+Pl.+at+Ontario+Washington+DC+US">google map</a>   <a target="_new" href="http://maps.yahoo.com/maps_result?addr=Lanier+Pl.+at+Ontario&csz=Washington+DC&country=US">yahoo map</a><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-11-11T11:45:24-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/914613135.html Room for Rent -- Inauguration Day/ObamaCon 2009 text Why I'll be the Best 'Psycho' Ex-Girlfriend You've Ever Had! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/848306070.html I know that all your ex-girlfriends are 'psychos.' I've heard all about them since hardly a day goes by that you don't make some eye-rolling reference to 'that crazy bitch' who practically ruined your life and then went off and married some successful 'douchebag' leaving you to troll local college bars in search of no-strings-attached ass while she enjoys quiet weekends at home with her new in-laws in Connecticut. That selfish, cunt. I know that you don't think I could ever be as good of a 'psycho ex' as she was. But, I assure you. I can. I'll be such a raving lunatic nutcase - you won't even remember her when I'm through with you. Try me. For starters - I am great in bed. Isn't that how all the 'crazy' ones start out? You'll meet me at some party through some friend of a friend of a friend who knows I have 'whacko' potential but will fail to mention this to the chain of people through whom we are introduced because...quite frankly, our friends don't really care enough about either of us to keep our best interests in mind. Alternatively, they *do* have our best interests in mind but know that our dramatic personalities and overwhelming egos are forces too powerful for even the most friendly, logical advice. Thus, they abort all attempts to keep us apart and allow us to get drunk and grope each other publicly, shaking their heads all the while because..this shit is gonna' blow up big time. Meantime, we'll already be upstairs, half undressed where you'll be too drunk to censor yourself so you'll make overly generous blubbering commentary about how 'sexy' I am (as I knock into a table lamp with swanlike grace). You'll also rave on and on about how I have the greatest tits you've ever seen and am 'fucking amazing' on all other fronts (as if I didn't know). Compared to the four other chicks you've banged, this will be the best sex of your life. And as soon as we're done, you'll start forming a mental list of which buddies you are going to text message first about this while at the same time wondering if you could possibly spend the rest of your life with me. In the sobering light of morning, you'll forget that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and instead opt for a "two-night stand" but you'll quickly realize that I am having none of that and somehow weasle my way into staying over, cooking breakfast and reading your newspaper. I will also have conveniently brought my toothbrush and some sanitary products which I quickly store in your bathroom cabinets since 'I'm going to be spending a lot of time at your place.' Your Maxim magazines will go from the top of the toilet to the bottom of the wastebasket because I find them 'offensive' and 'immature.' Later that day, you'll log onto Facebook and find out that I'm 'in a relationship'...with you. Yay! At first, you'll think it's creepy but then (due to your inferiority complex) you'll take it as a compliment and change your relationship status too. Within an hour, you'll receive 57 new notifications which indicate that I've commented on every photo in your album in which you appear with an unidentified female. Your relationships with these family members, college friends and co-workers will quickly disintegrate as you mistake my obsession for passion and declare your undying commitment to me and stop returning other people's calls. Friends will caution you but you'll be too blinded by my mind-blowing felatio technique to notice anything. Besides, I've explained that they're just jealous of our love. Together, our poor self images will have us each convinced that the other is cheating. We'll fight about it all the time. Non-stop. On our 'good days' we'll shower each other with undeserved gifts and sexual favors and the accusatory banter will be minimal - though still prevalent. Things will be going 'pretty well' for a while until one night your phone battery dies and you fall asleep early - forcing me into an incoherent panic. Six unreturned voicemails and text messages will lead me to believe only the worst - you ARE cheating on me! To confirm my suspicions, I will immediately log into all your personal accounts - since you are so technologically oblivious you left your passwords saved on my computer - and find a message to be mad about. It will likely be a harmless flirtation from a platonic friend who lives six states away that pushes me over the edge. Unable to reach her or you - I will scramble into my car and drive barefoot to your apartment where I will ride up on the curb knocking over an unsuspecting potted plant. The commotion outside will rouse you from your slumber and you'll stumble bleary- eyed to the window just in time to see me throw the car in reverse and plow into your beloved Huyndai Elantra. In short order, the police will come, I will cry, you will shout, your landlord will evict you and your insurance company will drop you. On the bright side, our names will be forever emblazoned together onto a county police report. Despite all this, it will take another several months for you to come to your senses and break-up with me. Knowing that I am a ticking bomb, you will execute this in the kindest, most reasonable way possible. You will make every effort to lift my spirits by explaning that "It's not you, it's me." and that "I deserve someone better." All this, to no avail. The only way you can truly be rid of me is to change your phone number and move across the country where you'll make new friends and find a new insecure girlfriend to emotionally abuse for months until she finally reaches her psychological breaking point and throws a wine glass at you and storms out of a restaurant. Everyone will be looking at you, dripping in Pinot Noir with an astonished look on your face. In your head you'll be thinking, "Ha. That was nothing. You should see my Huyndai Elantra." And, that, is why I'll be the best psycho ex-girlfriend you've ever had. <ul> <li> Location: Dupont <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-09-20T12:46:46-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/848306070.html Why I'll be the Best 'Psycho' Ex-Girlfriend You've Ever Had! text to the perv who groped me on my way home - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/774158390.html Me: caucasian, white yoga capris and tan tank top you: Latino, 5'8, in your twenties, sports jersey, short hair, mole on your face. You might have been following me for a while, Mr. Perv, I don't know - I was on the phone with my mother, venting about my roommate situation (we had to find a new one) and my job search (like, I need a job), when you snuck up behind me, and gently squeezed my ass. Not just the top of my ass, but kinda low, kinda close to my you-know-what, if you know what I mean. You know, even my boyfriend needs permission to get that close, so having a perfect stranger attempt access so suddenly, so completely out of the blue, triggered my fight-or-flight response. And I *fight*. Did it hurt when I grabbed your collar and punched you in the head? I'm a little worried that I didn't get enough momentum in my swing to make you feel it, seeing as I'm kinda short (5'2"). But you must have felt bad when you took off running and I chased you down so easily - it's not that you're slow, dude, it's just that I run fast, as you might have suspected from the well-muscled form of my posterior, had you been viewing it with its athletic potential in mind. It was all worth it when you realized you couldn't outrun me and so you stopped with your back to me in shame, and I kicked you in your hole. You might not remember, but I said: "Are you sorry? Are you sorry? Say you're sorry!", and you did. That was great. Then I said: "run on home, you asshole! Run home!" and you did that, too! Ladies, these pervs are cowards who run in fear when confronted with any kind of resistance. They are weak and pathetic. To the two guys who came out of their houses when they heard me yelling - thank you for being so aware and willing to help out-especially - Chris, was it? - who walked me home. It's great to know the people here care about the safety of others. Thanks so much. My mom was really worried, because she heard me start swearing and then the phone went dead (I closed it so I could chase the motherf*cker down) and she thought I had been hit by a car. When I told her what happened, she told me not to be so agro, and pointed out that he could of had a knife or something. True. You're right, mom. But you're unlucky if you're from this neighborhood, Mr. Perv. Cause I'm here ALL THE TIME (no job, remember?) and next time I'll MACE YOUR FACE. <ul> <li> Location: Mt. Pleasant <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-29T00:04:51-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/774158390.html to the perv who groped me on my way home - w4m text Decapitated dolls http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/707239142.html My daughter likes to pull the heads off of dolls. The therapist says we should let her, so we do. We have lots of headless dolls. Some of their heads my be retreivable; most probably not. Free to a good home. <ul> <li> Location: Close-in Mont Co <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-04T10:54:21-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/707239142.html Decapitated dolls text Free Hillary Clinton Campaign Material http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/671432270.html Bumper stickers, yard sign, pins, mugs, folders, letterhead and a large banner. Won't be needing them. <ul> <li> Location: 16th and Penn <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-05-07T11:05:23-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/671432270.html Free Hillary Clinton Campaign Material text Want your ex-boyfriend back? [Unfortunately] I can help. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/630019049.html So, I've recently come to the realization that I possess a remarkable skill. I have the ability to reconnect women with ex-boyfriends that broke up with them. Now, some of you might be saying "Hey, that's pretty cool! How do you do that? I could make millions, or at least I could use that to trick women into sleeping with me!". Let me tell you, it sucks! The last three "girlfriends" I've had have all had their ex-boyfriends contact them shortly after starting to date me! It took about a month and a half after we began dating for the first girl's ex to reconnect with her. And I really liked her (and he is an abusive asshole, she deserves so much better). Man did that suck. With the second girl, it took about three and a half weeks for her guy to come back (he was supposed to have left the freaking country!). I really liked her too. The third girl, it took her ex literally two days to contact her after our first date (and they had been apart for over five years!). So, I appear to be getting better at this. Not only can I get you your boyfriend back within a few days, I can bring him back from incredibly unlikely circumstances. Have you been pining over an ex? Want him to give you a call? Perhaps he moved to Russia 12 years ago, got married, has 7 children, and you haven't heard from him since. No problem! One dinner and a movie with me and he'll likely be waiting on your doorstep when I drop you off. Now, I haven't had a chance to properly test this, but I suspect that my skill works much better if we sleep together. Now, this might not be absolutely necessary, but you do really want to see your ex again right? Why risk it. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Herndon <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-04T11:52:15-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/630019049.html Want your ex-boyfriend back? [Unfortunately] I can help. text Three Amazing PHP/MySQL/Perl Developers Now Available - Story http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/620559733.html Yesterday I had to do one of the more difficult things -- lay off three of my good friends, all of whom are talented and professional developers. I'm posting here today in hopes that someone out in the world is looking for some seasoned talent, people who can get things done for you. I will personally recommend all three of these guys, and I'll detail below each of them. If you are interested, I'm including my phone number. I'll take your contact information and give it to the person(s) you are interested in, and you can take it from there. <div style="border:1px solid red; background-color:#fee; color:#f00; padding:5px;"> PLEASE NOTE: Developer #1 and 2 are based in Herndon, VA, and are looking primarily for either work nearby, or for telecommuting/remote work. They haven't commuted in a while, and they may not survive a long commute. Developer #3 is in Colorado, and is looking mostly for remote work, unless you happen to be in Colorado. </div> Here goes. Developer #1 I've worked with Developer #1 since 2005. He's worked for Fortune 500 companies and small startups. His strengths are conceptualizing and implementing complex systems using PHP and MySQL. These systems are not limited to the web, however the web is where most of his work has been for the last few years. During his employment with me, he: * Designed a complex billing system, complete with audit trails * Developed a site-wide internationalization system, allowing us to easily translate any phrase on the system to a different language * Designed and successfully implemented several difficult projects based on half-way decent specifications documents (my fault) Developer #1 is the guy you want to lead your development team. He will take a project and run with it, and it will come out better than you had hoped. He'll find the fatal flaws in your specifications, either propose a change or work around them as appropriate, and do it in an extensible way that will save you time in the future. He really is the cream of the crop. Most of his work has been PHP and MySQL, though he has done a lot with Perl. He is strongly drawn to big challenges and tough assignments, and attacks them with tenacity. Don't ask him to build you a 5 page website. He'll fall asleep. Hire him to build you a gigantic web application that supports tens of thousands of customers. <hr> Developer #2 Don't let his shy persona fool you. He's a geek, the kind of geek you'd expect to see waiting in line for Star Wars tickets or an Xbox 360 at Target. And behind his quiet demeanor the guy can code. You would put him in a basement and slide pizza and mountain dew (or Tilt, depending on office policy) under the door, and he'd keep cranking out code you never thought was possible. Sure, you'll want to give him specific details on what he's building, what it should look like, how you want it to work. But once you do that and hand it off, you get something better than you expected. I've always been pleased with the functionality and quality of the work he has done for me. Developer #2 is the guy you need if you already have a lead developer and he needs a code monkey who can get code out that works the first time. PHP and MySQL are his strengths, but I've been impressed with his JavaScript and AJAX/Web 2.0 abilities as well. Cross-browser code is tested and working without need to mention it. He's a joy to have on your team. <hr> Developer #3 It's tough to describe him. He's the guy you want running your development team, managing a bunch of coders. He's the guy who will listen to what you need and write up the specs. He's the guy that, if you don't have a team of coders, will write you code that will read like poetry and run like the wind. He's obsessed with performance, code reuse, contributing the the Open Source community, and always exploring different ways to improve his own coding abilities in different languages and methodologies. He's got more O'Reilly books than you, and has read and comprehended them better than you. No offense. He's not one to blast out messy code that barely works. If you need a huge project done in a day, he'll tell you if it can be done, or how it can be done with some changes, and you should listen. He knows his stuff. Though his strong suit at the moment is Perl and MySQL, the guy can do PHP, Ruby, Python and probably whatever other language you want to throw at him. He'll tell you what he likes and dislikes about all of the languages. And usually, you can't argue with his position -- it's well thought out and often right. He'll still code in your language though. He's a heavyweight, and he's based in the Rocky Mountains. He works remotely, unless you happen to be looking for someone in the Rocky Mountains. He's willing to do contract work hourly, or take on a full time job. Whatever the project, he won't disappoint. Unless you have unrealistic expectations, but then who won't disappoint? :-) <hr> I can't recommend these three guys more highly. It kills me to have to let them go, but they are also extremely talented and I want them to get swooped up by a company who will appreciate their talents and strengths, treat them with respect, and buy them lunch every now and then. Interested? I'm not surprised. Call 866-925-3430. I'll answer any questions you might have, and if you are still interested, I'll put them in touch with you.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Herndon, VA <li> Telecommuting is ok. <li> OK for recruiters to contact this job poster. <li> Phone calls about this job are ok. <li> Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-27T12:22:20-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/620559733.html Three Amazing PHP/MySQL/Perl Developers Now Available - Story text my casual encounters experience http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/511664762.html OMG, I can't believe I'm posting in CE. I need to feel a man's body against mine. I'm feeling adventurous. I can sit in the comfort of my own apartment, in my decidedly not sexy saggy-ass pajamas, and pick a hot young stud to come over and sex me up. Hooray for the internet, thank you Craig, let's get it on. 268 emails in the course of 24 hours. WHOA. There's the guy who asked if I can wear rainboots while we get it on (???), the guy who is old enough to be my dad and sent me a picture of himself in leather assless chaps (I double-checked to make sure I didn't post in M4M by accident after that), and the desperate 19 year-old who is a virgin but thinks I'd be "perfect" for his first time. I am re-thinking my decision not to go to the bars this weekend. No no, I must be strong, keep the faith. I feel that dick is not far away, I must persist. I pick you. You look relatively normal. Your email was funny, not too long, not generic. I toss my fate into the wind and see where it will take me. We exchange pictures. I wonder if that picture of your dick was taken at that angle to make it look bigger? Hmm. Yeah, that picture of me? Well, I sifted through the 200 most recent photos of me and picked the most flattering one. Heh. We meet up. You look about 5 years older than you do in your picture. That's okay, because I weigh about 10 pounds more now than I did in that picture I sent. But hey, guess what? I'm wearing sexy lingerie. And you're a man, with a penis, I've already screened you, spent two days trading witty emails back and forth with you, and goddammit, I'm gonna fuck you. That's just how it is. I'm too horny to go back now. After a couple of drinks, it's clear that it's time to do something next. Because it's not polite to tell someone you want their dick inside of you as soon as possible, when you suggest we head to dinner, I agree. This feels like a date. I didn't want a date. I want sex. Okay, pseudo-date continues. Fine. I still want your dick in me, as soon as possible. We head back to my place. FINALLY. We make out for a little bit. Did you forget to shave this morning? That "soul patch" you have? First of all, it's really circa 1992. Secondly, it's giving me stubble-burn. I'm going to have a stupid-ass looking soul patch stubble burn mark tomorrow. Fuck. I keep kissing you because like I said, I want your dick inside of me as soon as possible. Ha ha, you're wearing "Vote for Pedro" boxers. I forgive you for the soul patch. Actually, I think "Pedro" might be voting for me right now :) Okay, this isn't going so bad. You ask if I want some oral. UH, HELLO? WTF are you asking that for? Did I or did I not post in casual encounters? No actually, I don't like orgasms. Tongues should only be used for useful things, like ice cream and tying knots in cherry stems. Oh crap. Now I understand why you asked. You have NO IDEA what you are doing. You plunge in face first, like my special lady bits are a snorkling mask, and if you don't get as much of your face in there as possible you just might die of hypoxia. Now, while I appreciate your enthusiasm, I will need my vagina back in good working order later. Thank you. That's enough. You slip on a condom, and start the old "hump and grunt." You hump. You grunt. I'm not sure, but my bed might have just become a time machine, and I think we're back in 1998, because this is how boys fucked in high school. How old are you again? I start thinking about going to the store tomorrow. I think I'm out of cereal. Should I get some more of those pasta things? Maybe I'll try the pesto kind this time. The hump and grunt continues. What? You're about to cum? That's nice. Thanks for letting me know. Go right ahead. I'm glad at least you had fun. You pass out afterwards, and start to snore. I lie there, thinking. I'm totaling up my investment on this little CE situation we have going here: box of condoms, the good kind: $13 sexy new sweater that I wore: $39 cost of the load of laundry that I will do tomorrow, after your hairy ass gets out of my bed: $3.50 ... and, the non-monetary yet incredibly important contribution of my time, which could have been better spent, oh, I don't know, washing my hair or prepping my tax return: roughly 7 hours (three hours of email + four hours of pseudo date + bad sex) .....Learning why I should stop browsing casual encounters and just use my vibrator instead: PRICELESS.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: an economic analysis <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-17T01:00:38-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/511664762.html my casual encounters experience text To the girl who stole my girlfriend - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/507893626.html I know it's strange, but I can't get you out of my mind. I don't even know your name -- to me you are just the woman my Justine first referred to as "my new project partner at work." Little did I know that your forbidden love would blossom, and that I would be left empty-handed. The thing is, secret lesbian girlfriend-stealer, it's you I miss, and not Justine. Though I've never seen your face, Justine's description the night we broke up has lingered in my mind. "She snuggles close to me, her long black hair spilling over my skin. She is so tender with her kisses. She knows nipple play." Those fateful words have haunted me ever since. Why can't I have a woman whose long hair -- black or perhaps auburn or even blond -- spills across my needful skin? Why can't I have my nipples tenderly kissed? And when I think these things, gentle mysterious lesbian lover, I think of you. By now you've probably realized that Justine is a needy, critical bitch who only goes down on you for the first few weeks. You're probably on the prowl again, you hungry little temptress. I can only hope that you'll read CL, and see past my penis, to the fact that, digging women, I am in effect a lesbian myself. I hope we can connect. My nipples and I await your email.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: DC <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-13T08:04:34-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/507893626.html To the girl who stole my girlfriend - m4w text I have a mastiff with a problem--I fear for my life http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/505190510.html I have a male Cane Corso/English Mastiff who we will call "Petey" (this could damage his reputation). He will be 2 in March and, at 140 lbs, is still growing. He's the best dog in the world--friendly, energetic (yet will take naps with me, his sleep-deprived mom), and he loves his brother, a Chihuahua. He's never chewed on anything that I own (which is good, because I think he could fit my entire dresser in his mouth. Including the lamp.) But, we do have a serious problem. Petey is...flatulent. To an extreme degree. Now, I know a lot of you out there are saying, "Hey, my dog (husband/boyfriend) farts all the time, so what's the problem?" I don't know how to explain it, but the best way to describe Petey's gaseous expulsions is with this word: "heavy". Like a dense fog settling on the mountains, Petey's farts will settle in the lower 3' of the room--about the altitude I inhabit while asleep. Thus, I fear that he may kill me (accidentally, I hope) in my sleep. Let me explain how the routine (when you go through this about 100 times a day, you make a routine) works: -I'm in bed, innocently typing on the computer when I hear it: "FFFWWWWWPPPPPP" -I look over at Petey, who was asleep next to my bed, and he is now fixated on his butt, with a look of confusion and wonder ("What was that!? Where did it go?"). -Petey looks up at me (no doubt wondering if I saw the little creature that he thinks ran out of his butt while he wasn't looking), and, after taking in my terrified gaze, thinks that he has done something HORRIFYING and he must move away from me before I yell at him. -Petey jumps to his feet as I throw my comforter over my head to prevent my eyes from watering due to the noxious gas. In his attempt to slink out of the room unnoticed, he has shaken his intestines, which, in response, proceed to expel gas with his every step. In his mind, lots of little butt-dwelling critters are escaping, foiling his stealthy exit. I have yet to break it to him that he isn't stealthy at all, with or without the butt-dwelling critters. -Hearing him exit the room, I crack the window behind my bed and shove my head out. 3 minutes later, I am in the clear. I shut the window and continue on with my work--shaken, but alive. (At times I will get up to find him in another room, intently staring at his butt in hopes of catching one of those pesky critters.) I live in fear. These are SO BAD that I actually wake up in the middle of the night. Please, does anyone have any sort of home remedy? I've changed his food, stopped giving him rawhide, tried to eliminate tasty treats that I know cause gas in humans (cheese, anyone?)--everything I can think of, but my life is still on the line! I am a student, so money is tight, please keep this in mind! Thanks!   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Fredericksburg <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-10T18:43:53-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/505190510.html I have a mastiff with a problem--I fear for my life text CL Lingo: A self-help guide for the newbies http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/398884133.html I am not nearly the veteran as some of the people here, but I am proud to say that I have gotten a few friends hooked. Now we can all bask in the addiction that is Craig’s. Initially I had some problems. CL is a different culture, a different world, a community rather, and in order to decrease frustration and understand that it is not what you see in the normal world, here are some basic explanations, pointers and tips when browsing CL. These are tips for all personal forums, as I browse them all due to curiosity, do not judge me, because I know you do it too. Also, feel free to add to the list! Acronyms (everyone’s favorite shortcut and means of deception for newcomers) -NSA – no strings attached, basically means, lets just fuck -HWP- height/weight proportion, really means I do not work out, I’m out of shape, but not morbidly obese, there is no tire around the belly, took me forever to figure that out. I never understood it either, it's just a clever way to say you are not a beach whale...yet -DDF – drug disease free, this is a standard acronym with no real meaning, as probably more than 50% of the people that put it are lying -FWB – friends with benefits, not really, see NSA -JO – jerk off, I just learned that today, crazy shit huh -BBW – big beautiful women, big black women, I think it’s interchangeable, I don’t know Real meanings (please, not bashing anyone here, I’m just hip to the lingo now, and I applaud you people for your creativity) -Fit/athletic – no muscles definition to speak of, this really means average, and not obese (there are muscles on here, but they are few and far between) -Average – this really means fat, because over 60% of the country is overweight, so that makes overweight people the ‘norm’ therefore, they are average -Thick but in the right places – again, this means overweight -Thick but I hold it well – I really don’t get this. I suppose it means they wear clothes that fit them and nothing hangs over -Curvy – again…you see the trend right -Cute – this means I will not make you scream when you see my face -Attractive - this is a step above cute Favorite sayings/insults: -Asshat -Fucktard -Flame away -Poppers – (I have no clue what this/these are, and I do not think I want to know) -Smooth bottom - (bear with me...a common saying in the M4M, it means male takes it in the ass) -Top - another saying in the m4m section, it means a man gives it in the ass Other helpful tips: -Please be careful if you browse M4M, it can be quite traumatizing. DO NOT click on the ads with pictures unless you have a strong gut and like that sort of thing. Also, a lot of the ads are written in code, I didn't understand a damn thing when I first clicked on it. Fascinating, but scary. -You will run into the same CL’ers over and over, there are not as many people on here as you may think, be careful, take precautions, have more than one email address -When posting in the personals, be sure to put what you DON’T want, but it doesn’t matter anyways, cause some ass is going to break the rules and ‘take a chance’ -If you prefer the a different race, be prepared for some hate mail, or whiney bastards that have too much time on their hands and aren’t getting any loving, so their joy in life comes from trashing you cause you like to think outside the box -Most of the women in W4W are not real lesbians, they are bi, bi-curious, or freaky -The men in M4M will scare you, I cannot stress this enough. 99% of the people there are looking for sex only, makes me feel sorry for the gay males that are seeking real relationships, they most likely won’t find them here -Never declare anything to a 100% certainty, there will always be someone to dispute, argue your opinion, and then call you an idiot for having it -“Best of” is funny as hell and is what CL should really be about -There are a lot of old, married, unhappy people on CL, that probably makes up the majority of posters, it’s sad -CL is not for the weak of heart or mind. Think of the posters as you would a bitchy irritating mother-in-law. They always have something negative to say, they always challenge your thoughts, and you are never good enough -Be prepared to become more negative, racist, sexist, close minded, pessimistic, irritable, cranky, as you continue to read CL and post. In the beginning, you will be nice, genuine, and have a real desire to offer good sound solid advice. You will care about your fellow reader and want to help them with your lousy 2 cents. The more you read others posts and get replies to your own, the more bitter and hateful your posts will become. You will find yourself calling a person a fucking idiotic loser with a 3rd grade education that should commit suicide if they do not know the molecular structure of the chemicals in pesticide, because as you read CL, you will know everything, they will know nothing -This is an anonymous board, just because someone says they are white, black, male, female, human, 24, 30, fit, athletic, God, a hot chic, a porn star, rich…does not mean that any of this is true, it probably isn’t. (Don’t let a posted picture throw you off either) -Do not believe a word you read on here, for the most part, use your best judgment, while you still have it. The longer you read this, the less good judgment you will possess -Use correct grammar and spelling, I recommend typing in word, or getting foxfire with spell check before you send. If you do not, you will get a new hole for it -If you repeatedly see the same posts of an attractive guy or girl with a one sentence tag line, it probably isn’t real, do not respond, or you will get spammed -You will long to have a missed connection written about yourself, the odds that someone that sees you in the street reads CL as well, is pretty small -You will get addicted, it’s inevitable. You may think you can break the addiction, but it’s very very hard. You will want to know what these crazy fucks in DC are saying everyday. You will begin to post yourself, you will try to come up with creative, quirky, witty posts that amuse people (shut up, this isn’t one of them), you may even post in the personals ad to see what kind of feedback you get. In any case, you will get hooked. Just be glad you weren’t on CL the day it went out for a whole fucking night. I know my fellow CL’ers were shitting themselves obsessively checking the computer, cursing the tech’s and wandering around not knowing what to do with their nights. Some were even forced to spend time with the family they neglect due to the time they spend on this site. Lucky for me, I am single and without child, so I decided to masturbate -You are more vile, cruel and inhumane than you think, it just takes a little CL time to bring it out -Try not to get mad about the BS you read here, you will grow a thick skin after awhile, so don’t let the fools ruin your experience I know I left out a lot, but this is already a long ass post, I completely violated the rule with this one (not something looked upon lightly by the CL community). Oh! Let me add it… -Try to keep your posts as short as possible, with as much information as you can get in. Use spaces, that breaks up the length of your post There! Feel free to add, my fellow crack addicts…and to the newcomers, happy reading, and welcome to the family!   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: NoVA/DC/MD <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-16T20:41:35-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/398884133.html CL Lingo: A self-help guide for the newbies text looking for political savy man - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/397059165.html Hello men! I am moving to DC to attend Georgetown later this month. I am very interested in politics and Id love to meet some men who could show me around town and help get me into the political network. I may be young, but I know what I want. and I want to get into politics. So teach me. Ill make it more than worth your while. Im willing to do anything it takes to succeed. Send me a pic. let me know who you are and how you can introduce me to the political world. And we will go from there. <img src=397059165.jpg>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Georgetown <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-14T17:03:33-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/397059165.html looking for political savy man - w4m text pregnant doctor lady who looked at my blister - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/388723055.html You were doctor who looked at the blister on my foot. You're pregnant with another man's baby. I would raise it as my own. I love you. My girlfriend will not be happy about this but she is out of town.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: AU <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-03T18:01:16-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/388723055.html pregnant doctor lady who looked at my blister - m4w text Why We Stop Calling You- the Truth, For the LADIES http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/388084178.html I am female- I have been dumped for not giving it up "soon enough" and for giving it up "too soon". Somehow, the blame for the dissolution of the dating relationship always landed in my lap (no pun intended). It got so bad that I became super neurotic and paranoid, to the point where I was trying to pin point the exact second I could be intimate with a guy in any way and whatever resulted from that (him dumping me?) wouldn't be ALL my fault. I was actually frightened to have sex!! My best advice for Ladies is just to do what you feel, any MATURE man that is really into you, wouldn't run away suddenly because you have fucked! They were butt ass naked too, and NOBODY is judging them! We have to stop accepting that BULLSHIT reason for dumping someone. He stopped calling because he was "not that into you" from the beginning, and he was just showering you with false affection and attention in an attempt to get you to sleep with him-(read he was PLAYING/Tricking you). It wasn't like he was like "Oh I thought we could have a great relationhip but now that we've had great sex, I don't see that happening" - Get the Fuck outta here! She gave it up too soon" and "she didn't give it up so i cheated" are just ways of shifting the blame onto the woman, so he dosen't have to admit to himself and the world what the REAL issue was and how much of a cowardly, childish crackhead he is. Don't completely believe that evolutionary "we need the chase" crap. It is true ONLY to a certain extent, as if you wait "too long" to give it up, these same men will use it as a justification to dump or cheat on you! Ladies, The fact is, this type of "man" just has Relationship A.D.D. because they simply get bored too easily and tend to be SELFISH (incapable of thinking about anyone's wants/feelings but their own)- this is the type of man who would get bored with Halle Berry if given enough time. The minute this type of man is not kept constantly stimulated like a hyper two-year old, they want to blame someone else so they don't have to feel bad about running to stick their dick elsewhere. "She gave it up too soon" sounds a hell of a lot better to them to say than"I was just using her/ playing with her". Seriously, why would anyone who really liked you suddenly dump you beacuse you fucked?! This IS like throwing the baby out with the bathwater, it's stupid, like judging someone else for getting high when you were right there with them getting high too! If a guy can be such a dickhead and dump you for a BS double standard reason like that, then be GLAD they didn't stick around! If you stay with that guy you will endure a lifetime of a relationship with a person who will never take ANY responsibility for anything in the relationship and thus would not make a suitable partner anyway. I have talked to many a male who, when I asked them if they would dump a woman if she had sex too soon either laughed or gave me a perplexed face and said "WHY would I dump the girl if I liked her just cause we fucked? That dosen't make sense". Now I am happily engaged to a wonderful man, and am so glad to be off the dating scene. I remember how I had previously spent so much time fretting over "oh my God he's going to dump me after we have sex? Should I wait 7 months..." "how long should I wait to be on the safe side" and on and on. LOL after our first time I still was expecting him to suddenly grow cold on me or dissappear, but he didn't. Why? Because: 1. He wasn't on some committment phobic BS 2. He was genuinely interested in me, and not just saying nice things to fuck me 3. He was relationship minded. He was in it for more than just some pussy. 4. He was a mature, level headed guy NOT into playing games My advice is only to wait so that you can make sure that the guy you are dating is a MAN and not a childish boy (and there are PLENTY of Wolves in sheeps clothes!) who would sleep with you and toss you out. If you're SURE hes not a game player or a FLAKE (the ones that say "I love you" and other things prematurely as a "log in" to your pants) and you feel comfortable being intimate, do what comes naturally, and don't feel guilty about it! Do not deny yourself sleeping with him on the principle ALONE that you have to wait "this many months". If a guy really likes you, he will be with you whether you fuck or don't. If his behavior DOES change after sex then do not blame yourself, 9 x out of 10 it has more to do with him than you!  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Relationship A.D.D. - long <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-02T22:12:58-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/388084178.html Why We Stop Calling You- the Truth, For the LADIES text Some notes on talking dirty http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/370336976.html With nearly a decade of varied sexual experience with a modest number of partners I’ve determined myself uncomfortable with a certain manner of coital conversing. Because I recognize that I will encounter more dirty talkers in my future sexual endeavors- because they mask themselves as intelligent men with impressive, or at least inoffensive, vocabularies- I can only hope to raise some awareness regarding appropriate conduct for the dirty talker in the budding sexual relationship. So fellas, please keep reading to ensure that we can come to a compromise in which you can run your filthy mouth without causing my vagina to clench up in sheer disgust. 1. Start out easy. We’ve never done this before. I’m not going to venture into terribly adventurous behavior on our first romp, I figure if things continue to go well, we’ll get to that later. Don’t bust out with how your dick wants to fuck my moist pussy when all I’ve said since the removal of my underpants is “that feels nice.” Take her easy, friend, Rome wasn’t built in a day. 2. I’m going to get more comfortable with this as we go, because I realize you like it and I’m in this as much to please you as in pursuit of my own orgasm. But please don’t use any noun to refer to my anatomy that I don’t use first. I get to set the rules on what we call the vagina, because she’s mine and I have some respect for her. I’ll do the same for you- we can call your penis by any name you express appreciation for. There are lots of words out there I like to use for my vagina. There are a few that my vagina and I don’t like and don’t use and we don’t want to have sex with people who use them. Follow my lead, we’re going to build a colorful vocabulary. 3. Use this dirty talk all you want to make declarative statements and describe your fantasies, but please resist the urge to ask self-indulgent questions. “Do you like my cock?” is perhaps the most insecure and unsexy thing to throw in between the sheets. I’m probably going to let you know via moans, groans and declarative statements how I feel about your penis. At the moment that you ask, there is a chance I’m actually considering your penis. Perhaps I’m comparing it to others in the past, or thinking about how it’s larger/smaller/thicker than I expected. I also might be thinking about the surprisingly high quality of your bedding or the balance in my bank account. The fact is, I’m going to tell you how I feel about your penis when I want to, and when you ask me outright if I love your cock, I’m going to eek out a “yes” that I may or may not mean and resent the interruption. And, for the record, if this is not the first time we’ve fucked, I probably like your penis just fine, have no significant complaints, and find your fishing for compliments pathetic. 4. When the deed is done, acknowledge that our dirty dialog occurred. You can’t get up, hop in the shower, and drift off to sleep without recognizing that you’ve just disclosed your kinky little preference to me. I was there, I noticed, I participated, if you want me to increase my participation next time, now is the time to say “I like to talk dirty while we fuck.” Then I can make a joke, tell you it kind of turned me on, and we can go to sleep in relative comfort. I leave you to figure the rest out on your own, boys. It’ll be fine, the quietest conquest can buzz with your brand of naughty sweet nothings if you stop to consider what you sound like in your lady friend’s ears. We’re girls, we want to pretend you respect us for the twenty minutes you’re thrusting into us. That doesn’t mean we can’t talk for a while about cocks and cunts fucking, it just means there’s got to be a little more thought put into how talking dirty is deployed. And I’m on to you, CL community- please, no pictures, solicitations, propositions or erotica in my inbox. Thanks.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: The corner of awkward and amusing <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-07-09T21:27:13-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/370336976.html Some notes on talking dirty text Stegosaurus Sofa http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/366382199.html Our friend the stegosaurus is extinct, or presumed so. Yet his legacy lives on in this formal settee designed to mimic his spiny defensive plates. If this couch were attacked by one of your other furnishings it could turn sharply and shred the opponent, that is if you picked it up yourself. And you could; it's built for the eons but is nonetheless light enough for one person to pivot for a party. And like the dinosaur, its skin is an elegant blend of mauve, slate blue and dusty rose on an antique white. Plus a solid pine wood trim, stained to a cherry chocolate. Unlike the original stegosaur, which frolicked in mud, this fine loveseat is spotless and stain-protected. Dimensions are 53.5 inches wide by 24 inches deep, and the set includes two overstuffed pillows which feel all the more plush once you crack your elbow on that spiny crest. Your stegosaurus sofa can serve as a hallway piece, or as a couch for the living room, or paired with a long table for dining. Cash only, please. One block from the Ballston Metro in Arlington, convenient to I-66. The piece will fit neatly inside most SUVs, to honor the fossil fuels made from its fellows. Or it can be tied with ropes in the trunk of a large sedan and is remarkably aerodynamic.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> This item has been posted by-owner. <li> Location: Arlington <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-07-04T11:24:44-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/366382199.html Stegosaurus Sofa text Your Life is Imperfect, and It's All My Fault http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/365924208.html As an administrative assistant, I am imbued with all sorts of power. And with power comes responsibility. But I’ve failed you all, egregiously, in all sorts of ways. And mistakes from my past have come back to haunt me. You see, back when I was the mayor of Trenton, I elected to not pursue the idea of building more convention centers or hotels. This has led to a room shortage, which is why I haven’t placed you in your first choice hotel. It gets worse. When I was the Vice President of Logistics for JetBlue, I chose to route all flights through JFK airport. It pains me greatly that you now have to change planes at what is apparently your least favorite airport in America. Incidentally, I also invented the hub-and-spoke system, the very reason people have to change planes in the first place. I wish I’d made all flights, everywhere, nonstop. Because that would make you happy. And that’s reason enough to overhaul air travel all over America. I know your new computer’s ship date was delayed. Oh, how I wish I’d spoken up about these issues when I was on the board at Dell. After I retired at age 25 with a handsome pension, I forgot all about enforcing delivery schedules. And those rude technicians from the phone company? Yeah, that’s my fault, too. I used to be their supervisor back in teh 80s, and I demoralized them to the point that they answer any question with the nonsense phrase, “plug and play.” I also sent them on repeated fact-finding missions to the Soviet Union, where they learned about customer service. And let’s not get into that time I murdered my clone. Because if there were two of me, I might potentially be able to get to everything I am asked to do in a typical day. So these failures and catastrophes have brought me to where I am today. An underpaid, rapidly burning out secretary/den mother who wishes her charges would just grow the hell up already.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: The reception desk <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-07-03T16:07:54-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/365924208.html Your Life is Imperfect, and It's All My Fault text Can I See Your ID? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/341815502.html I am a doorman at a neighborhood bar. This is not a high-security establishment. There are no earpieces or metal detectors. Just me, a bar stool, and my crossword puzzle. It's my job to sit here for 10 hours straight and make sure that everyone in here has an ID and that it isn't expired. The pay sucks and it's boring as hell but hey I'm getting paid to do crossword puzzles and I now get the hookup whenever I come here. If you've never done it before, here are some things you might not know about how to interact with guys like me... It's not up to me. That's the biggest A number 1 thing you need to keep in mind. I hate the whole ID thing just as much as you do. It's stupid and Orwellian and total overkill. I believe that anyone reasonably 21 looking should be able to get a beer no questions asked and no hassle. But this is America, and I don't think we ever really got over prohibition. You have MADD and the "think of the children" brigade to thank for the police state conditions at your favorite watering hole. The teetotallers keep crying that it needs to be harder for kids to get alcohol, and the fines keep going up, and the bars keep getting more paranoid. We hear horror stories of ABC coming into a bar and carding everyone inside, then when someone doesn't have it, the bar gets shut down, fined tens of thousands of dollars, and the entire staff goes to jail for the weekend. It is fucking ridiculous but unfortunately it's what we have hanging over our heads, so no I can't let you in even though you're bald, even though your expired license still has your birthday, even though you have to go back so far to get it, even though you just got your wallet stolen, even though it's risky to carry your passport, it's not going to happen. I'm sorry. If it were up to me I would, but it isn't, so please don't keep arguing with me. You could talk to the manager but he'll just tell you the same thing, and I can't leave my post to go get him anyway. This all goes triple for you, Mr. Lawschool. No I can't quote the DC alcohol laws from memory, all I know is that they're designed to instill a culture of fear in barstaff across the city and they're working. If you're such a fucking hotshot why don't you go argue with the alcohol control board and help us all out. So yeah it sucks but there's nothing any of us can do about it. Just get used to it. Have your ID. Have it out. Show it to me. Go drink. I know you're 25 and your job sucks and you feel old and you're so sick of getting carded, but it's happening. Buck up, kiddo: You're still young. Maybe you're 40 and it really is ridiculous I'm carding you. I think so too. A more accurate statement is it's ridiculous the city is making the bar make me card you. Sorry. Just let me see it and don't be an asshole about it. And don't quiz me on it to try to prove I didn't really look. I don't memorize shit, and I don't do the math. I look for a number below 1986, a number above 2007, and match the photo. Nice and efficient. You've succeeded in proving only that you are a prick. It's not up to me. Remember that and you and I are going to get along 1000% better. After that there's really just a couple pet peeves that I'd like to ask you to work on... Don't count on being a regular. You used to come here all the time. You totally know the owner, what's his name, Dave. Where's the usual door guy? He got fired, and unfortunately for you this high-turnover position doesn't come with a list of regulars and their head shots. If you come here so much it shouldn't be so hard to figure out when a doorman is new. You should have your ID anyway. Show it to me, and if you're so proud of being a regular, introduce yourself, but don't be surprised if it takes a few times to really remember. Again if you're such a barfly you should understand that by now. Don't tell me where the fucking birthdate is. Even with an ID from a state I don't see too often, I've probably already found it and I'm looking for the expiration date, or I'm double checking something that looks odd to me. I'm not an idiot and you'll get your beer in a second. Chill the fuck out. Don't try to be funny. Every ten minutes, some idiot makes the "oh don't let my friend in she has a fake" joke as if I've never heard it before. I usually joke back "you know this is like the airport, I have to take that seriously." Eventually I'm going to just go ahead and not let your friend in. Consider yourself warned. ...and not funny. I don't remember you. I see hundreds of faces every night. Each for only a couple seconds. If you come outside for a smoke or a phone call, don't breeze past me and then be shocked when I ask to see your ID again, especially if you left it inside. Simple solution: just be a good sport and show it to me again. If that's really such a big deal to you, a simple "hey I left my ID inside and I'm stepping out for a second" as you come out the door is usually all it takes to actually get you remembered. Don't ask me what it's like inside. I'm out here too, buddy. Your guess is as good as mine. Please use discretion when trying to make smalltalk with me. I'm stuck here. Depending on my mood and my first impression of you, some smalltalk from a stray smokebreaker is either a welcome distraction or a major annoyance. Like most social interactions, you're gonna have to read between the lines and figure out what's appropriate. If I put down my book/crossword puzzle/gameboy/whatever and engage the conversation, you're in. If I keep giving you one word answers and going back to whatever I was doing, go bother someone else. Also, if I'm obviously injured, please don't ask what I did to my arm. I'm already sick of telling my friends the same story. I definitely don't want to repeat it for hundreds of strangers. And don't you dare try to help with my crossword unless you're cute and you're trying to sleep with me. Cheers.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: the door <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-05-31T06:54:26-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/341815502.html Can I See Your ID? text To the Doms of DC - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/329801369.html Gentlemen, In the nine months I have lived in DC I have met and corresponded with a number of you, and frankly I am a little disappointed with the men in this area who call themselves Doms. I find it hard to believe that in a city based on the power of politics that at least a few of you can’t step up to the plate and get the whole BDSM thing right. Since you all seem to be having a difficult time with this I thought I would give you a few guidelines to make your search for your own submissive princess more successful. I am only giving you this input out of love, no one wants to see you succeed more than I do dear, so please read carefully. #1) A submissive is not a doormat. Don’t expect me to do whatever you say when we are not in the bedroom. No I won’t clean up your apartment, no I won’t wake up at three am to fuck you, and no I will not leave work early because you can’t just jack off like everyone else does. Listen, I am totally turned on when you order me around in the bedroom, it’s totally hot. However, it is annoying in my vanilla life, I am just as busy as you are, so lay off. If I wanted that kind of subservience I would move to Saudi Arabia. #2) Sending me an email saying you’re a Dom, doesn’t make you my Master. Seriously, if I sent you an email claiming I was a cardiologist would you let me give you an angioplasty? I am just as protective of my snatch as you are of heart. When I get an email from you immediately giving me an order to take down my ad, send you a nude picture, etc, I show it to my roommate and we laugh at what an asshole you are. My lack of reply should be an indication to you of how well this strategy works. It’s even better when you send me a second even more demanding email. Christ dumb ass, it’s not working, try something else. Try slowing down, would it really kill you to have a cup of coffee to get to know me a little first. #3) No, your friend cannot watch or join us. I don’t know your friend, and I don’t want to fuck him. #4) NSA means NSA. I am not looking for a husband. If I were I would be married by now. If I meet you on Casual Encounters, it probably means I am not going to move in with you. Again, I have a life too. Having said that, if you would like to see me again, just ask. I might say yes if the sex was fun. Don’t send me creepy emails asking how I’m doing and don’t drive by my house seeing if I’m home. This kind of behavior makes me think I should call the sheriff to see if your address has been updated in the offender registry. Oh, and Brian, stop sending me text messages. You were a lousy lay, and you cell phone has a virus, which fucks up my phone every time you send me one of your inane messages. Go the fuck away. #5) Don’t expect me to suck your cock without any reciprocation. No fun for my pussy means no second date for you, period. Submissives like oral sex too. Don’t get me wrong, I love sucking cock, but it is not enough to keep me interested in you for more than twenty minutes. Additionally, if I have sucked your cock for half an hour and you still refuse to cum I am throwing you out of my apartment. I don’t care if you still have a raging boner, my gay neighbor will get to enjoy watching you struggle to unlock your car with a hard on. #6) Seriously, your friend cannot watch. #7) Yes, we have to meet in public the first time. Also, no I won’t come to your apartment, never having met you and put on a blindfold without seeing you first. I also will not get into your car with you and let you drive me some place I’ve never been before. Safety clown says those are bad ideas. I like being tied up and fucked. I do not like being tied up, fucked, injected with drain cleaner, and strangled. I don’t know you, and you haven’t gained my trust. And yes, I want your real name, address, and phone number. I will give it to my roommate so he can check up on me if I don’t come home in time. This is common sense, and if you are a real Dom you will always put our safety first. If you don’t want to tell me your name you are hiding something and I don’t want to deal with you. #8) Married guys, get fucking lost. Cheating on your wife leads me to believe you are a despicable piece of shit, don’t email me. Put a little effort into your marriage or get divorced asshat. #9) Under no circumstances will I do the We/we, D/s bullshit while we IM. I/it I/is I/inane. #10) Enough pictures of your cocks already! Again, I just show these to my roommate for our amusement (and he’s a queer). Bonus points to all you gentlemen who send me a penis pic when you have a really small cock. Sometimes honesty is not the best policy. #11) Again, your friend cannot watch. Who is that guy anyway? Wasn’t he in Deliverance? #12) You may not call me bitch, slut, or whore outside the bedroom. If you do, don’t be surprised if I go nuclear on your ass. I have a name, use it. If not I might be forced to refer to you as daddy in public. #13) If you don’t respect and like women, don’t email me. If you hate women and want a blowjob, I can hook you up with my gay roommate. #14) If I spend two hours getting ready for our playdate I expect you to put a little effort in to getting ready as well. At least shower, no one likes that musty ball smell. Listen, I am a nice, smart woman who just happens to like a little spanking and bondage. I am sure most of you are nice men who like the same things. I’m sure we can work this out. Post these guidelines by your computer before you answer the next ad and I’m sure it will work out for you. Happy hunting you naughty bastard.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Chained to the Bed <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-05-12T22:06:43-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/329801369.html To the Doms of DC - w4m text I am your professor. And unlike that other guy, I respect you. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/328561120.html I am your professor. And unlike that other guy, I respect you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I teach you a physical science course that you need to graduate. I know it’s hard. I know that some of you will give it your best shot, and others won’t. But I truly believe that all of you are capable of this. And as a result, you do learn. A lot. And that’s kudos to you. Who am I? I am the chubby middle-aged white chick that teaches you your lab science. Or, as some of you told me straight up because I asked: "it’s that one last class that I’ve put off forever but gotta have to graduate." Granted, you might not think you need this class to own your own business, to raise your kids, or to manage an office. But the quiet secret of a lot of college courses is that there’s always something you can take away from it that’s good – if you do your bit and I do mine. My business is to teach you science, and the real point of that is to help you to learn how to think. How to write. How to ask good questions and demand straight answers. Ten years from now you may not remember the difference between a reverse fault and a normal fault, but you’ll know how to find out. Like that other guy, I too would like to pass on some tips, and to vent a little bit too. (But in a different way.) First rule- Let’s be respectful to each other. Actually, this is the only rule because everything else proceeds from there. I think most of you get that. In fact, my experience is that it’s only a rare few of you that don’t understand and value that. Who am I to know this? I grew up so far below the poverty line that education was my only ticket out. It worked -- I have a doctorate from one of the best universities in the US, and I’ve been teaching evenings while holding a full-time day job for several decades, just because I love to do it. But that alone should not impress you -- what ought to matter to you is whether I know my stuff, and can convey it to you in ways you can “get.” And having been there, I do know how hard it is to “get” material in class when you’ve already put in a full day at work. And when your kid is sick. Or when it’s just plain gorgeous outdoors and you’d rather be there than here in my class. I get that. And I think for the most part, you get that about me. Second rule- Be respectful to your classmates. This one is a truth, and you know I expect it of you. I’m not the berating type, or the insulting type, but you have all seen me stop lecturing, look to the back of the room, and ask the chatterers to take it outside please. I don’t have to rant or raise my voice; your peer pressure and my quiet request have always been enough to keep the class on track. Thank you for that. Third rule- Be on time, but know that I understand about life. Some of you drive 45 miles each way in heavy traffic to get to my class. I know this. I myself drive 25 miles each way. I know that traffic around here is hideous and that life contains unreasonable bosses who hit you with stuff right at quitting time, bad weather, and fender benders on I-66. I don’t want you to risk life and limb to get here! You know that I will start at 7:30 on the dot to be fair to those who do get there on time, but I’m not going to dump on you if you occasionally arrive late. All I ask is that if you truly have to be late, just come in quietly. You know I want you there. Fourth rule- Do ask questions during class. Some of the best class discussions in my memories came of students asking a question that seemed to be coming from left field. But when asked why they asked it, there was a link, and it took the class in a new and good direction and we explored a connection to science and ...policy, child-raising, environmentalism, history, or any other number of cool things. There’s time for that. I build it in. I love the left field questions...they keep me honest and thinking hard, and they do the same for you. Now, all that said, you know and I know that I grade tough, and some of you aren’t sure how to handle this. You can’t wheedle a grade out of me, or nag one out of me, but you can work for one and get the one you truly deserve. And you can ask for help outside of class and get it. And when you leave my class, you will know how to do this stuff, and what’s even better, you’ll know that you know. I’m old enough and have been teaching long enough to know that I don’t know everything, and that you don’t either and I don’t expect you to. Some of you went to cruddy underperforming secondary schools; some of you dropped out for one reason or another, worked a while and are now trying to do better for yourself; some of you wasted your opportunities; some of you have learning disabilities, and some of you for whatever reason just don’t think you can learn, and therefore, you can’t learn. A very few of you are just trying to slide by, but the great majority of you are here, day in and day out, working hard and making real progress. That’s why I’m here standing in front of this room instead of drinking a nice cognac at home. If you don’t know it, it’s my job to teach it to you. And my advice to you when anyone – ANYONE – trots out that tired old nonsense about Americans being the worst educated -- smile politely and just walk away, permanently, because that’s been a fashionable position for some Europeans to take for decades. I’ve worked in Europe and Africa myself and I’ve heard it plenty of times. But guess what --It wasn’t true in the 1970’s, ‘80’s or ‘90’s (I was there) and it isn’t true now. And what’s more, it’s rude. Just. Plain. RUDE. And also ignorant. Broad statements like that, that bin an entire nation into one supposedly-illiterate pool, serve only one purpose: to aggrandize the person saying it. At the beginning of the semester, as you my students know, I don’t assess you to find out what you know and don’t know. I give you a survey to ask what you are interested in, what aspects of the science intrigue you, what your expectations are, and for the opportunity to tell me anything else you think I ought to know. The answers you give me are like gold to me. Some are flip, some profane, some naive, and some reveal that you’re scared, unconfident, tired, sick or angry. Sometimes you do tell me about a subject you’re interested in, or a question you need an answer to. Do you know how I use those? I use them to get to know you. I use them to get an idea how you think. I use them to tailor my lectures each semester so that ideas have a chance to grab you by the throat and spark your imagination. I don’t care that you don’t know stuff going in – that’s a given! That’s why you’re here with me! It’s what you know when you leave that matters. And for some reason, most of you come back to me for second semester...even if you got a “D”! The dirty little secret about teaching, especially as an adjunct (which is what a lot of us who teach evenings are) is that it pays...dirt. When you count the hours spent preparing, lecturing, writing, grading labs and papers, I’d make way more dollars flipping burgers than I do for a semester of teaching. So obviously that’s not why I do it...and I‘ve been doing it for several decades now. I think you can figure out the answer. Yeah, I’m addicted to the “Aha” moment when we’ve been struggling together on something difficult and all of a sudden the light bulb comes on for you. And when you ask me to write you a letter of recommendation because you’re going on to a 4-year school to study...my subject? OMG, I walk on air for months. Why does a true teacher teach? Because of the students. Not because of the pay. Not because of the prestige, such as it is. It’s because of the students. Teaching doesn’t depress me; it energizes me. You students keep me in touch with what’s real. You each are the tip of the iceberg – all that potential and a lot of life ahead. That’s the point of having a lot more growing to do. And I get to be a little part of shaping it. You are the future generation, yes, and I am psyched about that. So thanks, all you students who’ve come through my classes. I think the world of you. And that’s my RAVE.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Arlington <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-05-10T22:31:59-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/328561120.html I am your professor. And unlike that other guy, I respect you. text Ask a silly question http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/323692159.html I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid b*tch...why else would I buy dog food??   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: crackedmeupville <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-05-03T14:34:41-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/323692159.html Ask a silly question text To My Girlfriend's Dogs When Staying at My Place http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/305612592.html First off, I'd like to say that I really do like both of you a lot. Male dog, you are very cute and many people still mistake you for a puppy, even at your healthy age of seven years. Female dog, you too are quite attractive, although I understand your frustration when your little brother gets more attention. Generally, you are both very well trained and have great personalities. That being said, we need to talk about some of your behavior when your mother leaves town and you stay here at my apartment. Please stop pulling as hard as you possibly can every where we go. You stay here very rarely and you have absolutely no idea where I am about to walk you. Half the time you try to pull me down the wrong hallway on the way to the elevator. I understand that you simply cannot wait to get the smell of other dogs' urine and feces in your nostrils, but please let me be the brains of this operation. I promise your olfactory glands will not be disappointed. Along that vein, please try to go more than five feet before you stop to smell something. I'm sure another dogs' excrement must smell fantastic on a bush, but it's called a "walk" for a reason. I want you to be able to get some exercise while you're here, but I didn't sign up for 45 minutes of stop-and-go traffic at 11:45 at night. Furthermore, please attempt to understand the limitations of your leash, as it is the same one you use when you're at home. If you can't get up the tree to chase a squirrel there and have given up trying to do so, you can't do it here either. There's no use trying to pull my arms from their sockets attempting it. To the male one, when we are outside at night, there are no Delta Force soldiers waiting behind bushes to attack you if you stop to poop. You don't need to keep your head on a constant swivel and dart all over the damn place. Please focus on the task at hand and just poop. If I take you for a decent walk late at night and for whatever reason you don't poop, I will assume that you do not need to poop. Do not look plaintively up at me once we are eleven stories from outside and expect me to take you back down because you didn't go on your first try. You had multiple chances. Hold it. Also, please stop prancing everywhere. It is painfully obvious that you were raised by a women. When you prance around on our walks, people automatically assume that woman is me. I don't like that. To the female one, please stop eating other dogs' poop. It turns my stomach and I look like a jerk when I have to berate you in public. I promise that once we are back upstairs, I will feed you the same high-end dog food and treats your mom feeds you. There is absolutely no need to eat that funky-ass trail mix. I know Iams probably doesn't taste as good as the lower priced chow, but it has to be better than anything that has passed through the digestive tract of another living creature. And please understand if I don't want you to lick me...ever. That's about it. Please try to follow these helpful suggestions in the future and enjoy the rest of your stay here.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Arlington <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-04-03T19:40:29-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/305612592.html To My Girlfriend's Dogs When Staying at My Place text Are you an A-HOLE customer? - Rant by a friendly cashier http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/298879012.html I work at a "big-box" store like Target or Wal*Mart. I am a cashier. This is a pretty low-pressure, non-demanding job (the kind I can call in sick to whenever I feel like), which is perfect for me, a college student, at the moment. My co-workers (team members) are pretty much all decent enough and I get along with them just fine most of the time. The only factor that occasionally makes me hate the job is YOU. Yes, asshole customers, you come in several varieties, but you are all very much the same. --The Bitch This is an umbrella term for a diverse array of predominantly female asshole customers. The Standard Bitch isn't trying to piss me off, it just comes naturally. It's a tone of voice, a look, or a non-response to my standard friendly greeting that makes you an asshole customer. I'm paid to ring up your shit, not deal with your attitude. The College Bitch is generally a more ditzy kind of whore, one who is always friendly to the cashier, but displays her bitchiness in her conversation with others. A common College Bitch scenario: "Oh I'm fine, thanks." She turns to her friend, "So, is daddy going to pay for this stuff or is it going to be mommy this time?" This is always said with a sly smile on the face and a fistful of credit cards in the hand. The College Bitch is mostly a bitch because I HAVE TO WORK IN ORDER TO GO TO SCHOOL. Do you really need another pair of novelty-sized sunglasses, Paris? Do us all a favor and get on the pole already. We'd rather see you there now when your tits are still perky than later when you're saggy and your parents have cut off your stupid ass. --The Kid with His Own Money Jesus Hulkamaniac Christ, parents! Stop giving your kids money to give to me. I understand that little Timmy has to learn how to deal with money eventually, but please lets not play this little game in a busy store like mine. My job is to ring up your shit and get you out the door so I can ring up the next asshole and get HIM out the door. I don't want to wait for five fuckin' minutes while your snot-nosed little bastard tries to figure out that he needs to give me FOUR dollars when something is $3.95. I will not baby-talk your kid or help them in any way, and if you give me a nasty look because of that, I'll remember it and secretly break your shit next time I'm baggin for you. --The Confused Foreigner If you don't know how our money works in this country, what are you doing shopping by yourself? Every time I have to pick the correct change out of the pile in your quivering palm because you forgot that the little silver ones are 10 cents and the big ones are 25, I'm going to accidentally ring up something twice. The red bar is used to indicate separate transactions, by the way. Use it. Do not tell me that your Enfamil and Pedialyte were supposed to be on a different credit card as I am handing you the receipt for them. Oh, and your items cost a couple dollars more than the tag said because of a little thing called sales tax. Dumbass. --The Liar "The sign said it was $12.99 or something, not $24.99!" Bullshit. I used to let you slide if your lie seemed reasonable or was within about $5 of the actual price, but I'm done with that now. If you don't want to pay full price, leave it on the shelf. And don't raise your fucking voice like I'M the mother fucker that sets the prices. I just ring the shit up. Your other favorite lie is "The sign said 50% off." When I inform you that ALL of our clearance items have a sticker clearly stating the clearance price including all markdowns, you panic or get angry and thrust the item at me, saying that you don't want it in that case. --The Indecisive Shopper You are usually also a Bitch, and decide at the last moment that you don't want half of the shit in your shopping cart! "I changed my mind on these, I'm going to wait on this, I don't want these any more, I meant to put this back." Fuck you. If you don't really want it, don't bring it to me! "How much is that? Really? Well I don't want it." Who puts things in the cart without looking at the price? Who waits until they are at the POINT OF SALE to see how much a thing is? Give me a break! --The Slow Mother Fucker I can see you coming a mile away. You're old, or young, or foreign, or just plain fucking retarded and can't seem to figure out how this whole shopping dealie works out. You generally wait until I tell you the total to pull out your wallet or purse, then have a lengthy internal dialogue with yourself about which method of payment might be best to use at this particular time. Once you have decided, you write a check or try to insert your card upside-down into the reader for about 3 minutes. After I finally get your payment passed through and hand you the receipt, it takes you a good 5 minutes to gather up your bags and finally leave the fucking register. I would like to break your legs. At least then you'd have a reason to be so damn slow. --The Clearance Shopper Everything you buy is on clearance. Does your family know? Do you really need 15 plastic napkin rings for $.12 a piece? --The Buddy You always talk to me about how long I've been here, when my next break is, when I'm leaving, what it's like working here, etc. You tell me you used to work in retail so you know how it can be, all sympathetic-like. You annoy me and I'm going to accidentally drop your things onto the dirty floor. --The Cell Phone Talker You refuse to call the person back in two minutes when we're through. You insist on screaming into the phone or, worse, laughing the entire time I'm dealing with you. Hang up for a sec, okay? You can tell Roscoe P. Fuckwater about your sexual escapades when you see him at the AA meeting next week. The fact that you are distracted by conversation means that you won't notice the double charges I accidentally on purpose made while ringing up your shit, though. So it's not all bad, I guess. --The Church Fuck Nothing is worse than when churchy-types try and push their beliefs on you, except maybe when you are required by your job to be friendly to them. Generally you, a Church Fuck, will wait until I have handed you the receipt to give me two pieces of paper and tell me "I want to invite you to come to this function we're having.." This caught me off gaurd the first couple of times it happened. I've gotten used to you old hags now though, and have since formulated the following response to your invitation: As I am tearing the paper in half and discarding it, I shall state "No thank you, Ma'am, I do not believe in your god." I will then turn to the next customer and remark about how batshit nutty you must be to try and convert me while I'm on the god damn (pardon the pun) clock. If you come back and try your shit again, I'll have you removed from the building for soliciting. --The Last Minute Shopper You run into the store five minutes before closing time and grab a shopping cart! You need a ton of shit and need it TONIGHT! You can't wait until tomorrow morning because you have to stock up on pop-tarts and deodorant NOW. You make me stay in the store long after closing time, and I secrectly openly wish that you die in a car wreck on the way home. You also invariably have a problem with payment. Either you don't have your credit card or don't have your ID or need to take shit off the order so your cash will cover it.. it's never just a smooth transaction! And you never realize that you're unprepared until I have spent 10 minutes ringing up all of your shit. That's ten minutes that you're keeping me away from my house, my girlfriend, and my bed. You don't know it, and obviously don't care, but I gotta still DO SHIT after the store closes, and you're holding me up! Die already! --The Clothing Asshole You buy a shitload of clothing and refuse to put it on the conveyor belt, saying that it's too dirty. You want the hangars on, but want the clothes folded. You bitch at me about needing to wear them and not wanting wrinkles. Guess what, cheap-ass? You're supposed to fucking wash clothes before you wear them. This means a trip to the dry cleaner for your business attire to have it pressed, or a 15-minute wash cycle when you get home. Stop being a lazy prick and just fucking deal with it. This isn't Banana Republic. I'm not paid to fold your shit, just to ring it up, throw it in a bag, and take your money. So there you have it, a brief look into what we, the people that ring up your shit, must deal with every day. Please do not be an asshole customer. I really don't want to charge you twice.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Fairfax County <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-03-23T01:29:48-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/298879012.html Are you an A-HOLE customer? - Rant by a friendly cashier text Ways to not write a resume. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/291196665.html Don't be offended if you see yourself in here, but please do get some professional help. There are people who will do this for you, and you clearly need their assistance. --- Cover letters are not optional, people. No, I didn't ask for one. You know why? Because they're the default. At the very least, write a paragraph in your e-mail to me so I can see that you aren't a monkey accidentally forwarding your owner's resume. ---- Objectives are stupid. Clearly, your objective is to land the job, or else you wouldn't be applying. But if you have listened to the idiots who've written books about its necessity (notice they work for themselves, and haven't been hired anywhere in a while), at least keep it short, sweet, and related to the actual job for which you're applying as opposed to the generic tripe that has come through my desk the past four hours. Such as: "Objective: To obtain a secretarial/receptionist position where I can utilize my skills in customer service while demonstrating a customer first attitude yet utilizing my wide variety of administrative skills by pushing and advancing the office entirely by giving organization and any assistance as needed all still while gaining any and all available knowledge within the office environment" First of all, the position isn't for that of a receptionist or secretary; read the posting. You're already down two points. Second of all, if you're going to throw buzzwords like "utilize" about willy-nilly, at least don't do it twice in the same sentence. Next, make sense. "...by pushing and advancing the office entirely by giving organization and any assistance as needed..."? Seriously? Is that supposed to make sense or be in English? Lastly, utilize the comma. I'd rather you overuse this little friend of ours than underuse him, especially if you're going to make a huge-ass paragraph only one sentence. "Objective: To work my hardest to achieve goals in the near future." *insert buzzer sound here* I'm not even reading the rest of that resume. "Objective: To obtain full-time or part-time permanent employment with a stable business." Very tailored to our company. I hear McDonald's is hiring, too. "Objective: To obtain a position in a company that will best utilize my skills in data analysis and information technology, as well as expand my knowledge of National Disclosure Policy; a position that challenges my abilities and allows for opportunities to grow with the company." Points for the correct use of a semicolon, but if I don't even know what a national disclosure policy is, then my company isn't going to be able to help you expand your knowledge of it. Also, we're not an IT company, nor are you applying for an IT position, so tailor that down for me, will you? Stick it in the skills section. (More on those moronic lists shortly.) "Objective: To gain the proper skills and knowledge to run a professional business." Do we look like an MBA program? And if you want to run a business, why are you applying for part time assistant positions? How about applying to be an assistant manager somewhere? ---- I don't care if you were king of the chess team. How often does it need to be said that if you've gone to college, I don't want to know about your high school? Especially if it was over ten years ago, folks. "2001-2003 B.A., Strayer University". This may just be me, but even at a pay-for-your-degree school, how do you achieve a B.A. in just two years? And what is it supposedly in? There's no field of study listed. "Xxxxxx University, Bachelor of Science, Sports Management. GPA: 3.12." A B.S. in Sports Management (snicker) and you still only had a 3.12 GPA? You're taking phys ed for college credit. The least you can do is get more As than Bs. ---- That pesky attention to detail. When I specify that I need someone with attention to detail, that means lots of misspellings and non-words like "a maculate list" are not going to gain you any points. An immaculate list, perhaps? "...your posting on Craigslist.com." It's actually craigslist.org. "During this time I am searching for employment within a company that can help me earn hours and experience within a school setting and to also help build my administrative skills further. I am currently seeking salary in the range of 25k-35k and 40 hours a week." We specified $10-15 for 20 hours a week. Oh, and we're not a school. Kthxbye. "Period [of employment] 9/15/04 - 3/28/06. Reason for Leaving: Other Job opportunity" Yet, that job opportunity isn't listed on his resume. Hmm. "In response to your advertised position, Advertising Rep, please find attached a copy of my resume." While I appreciate the effort that went into changing his subject line to "Memeber Asssistant," you first gotta spell things correctly and then follow that all the way through, buddy. Also, titling your resume as "August 2006" isn't getting me all warm and fuzzy, either. I'm glad you've been unable to update your resume for eight months. "[Singular Company Name]s" and "Members Care" from the same person. Shes likes addings the Ss, nos? "I am a Professional who leverages 10+ years of Executive assistance..." You'd think she'd know when to capitalize and not capitalize words, then. "Trained employees to use OPTIX software in order to gather data on in coming and perspective students." Are perspective students like philosophy students? And since when is "incoming" two words? --- If you're claiming a skill, actually have it. For instance, when your skillset includes "filing/editing" but is followed by "Photo Shop" improperly spaced, that means you're not very good at the first one, and you probably don't use the second often enough to know how to spell it. Therefore, you're probably an exaggerator, meaning I can't trust anything else on your resume. Bye-bye. "Telephone Skills". What does that mean, that you can operate one? Good job. So can a three year old. If you mean one of those multi-line, complicated telephone *systems*, then yes, that is something to put on your resume -- if you were applying to be a receptionist in a busy office. You're not. "Office Procedures". What the hell does that mean? How is that a skill? When your resume looks like two boring run-on paragraphs and a list, all of which is centered on the page in the most rudimentary fashion, don't list "graphic design" as one of your skills. Please spare me. "Treat people with respect." Shouldn't that be a given? Also, why is that your third most-important skillset? Did you have to work very hard at it? ---- Stop throwing in complete bullshit just to make it sound fancy. The following is a list of why you should never throw words together if you don't know what they mean (the long-winded objective from above could also be put in this category). "My ability to learn quickly is a key essential." "My numerous areas of expertise and professional work related skills are highly superior in many office related skills." "Being so detailed and goal oriented provides me with the ability to have outstanding organizational skills which enthusiastically allows me to succeed well within all goals set." "My background and my education are the met qualifications in this job description." "Enclosed you will find my resume for your viewing and review purposes." "Assisted to directorate of Member Services..." "I am a very talented part-time college student..." (Do I want to know what you're talents are? Because this sounds like the start of a different sort of CL ad, the kind that end with "looking for a sugar daddy to help me pay for books.") "Enabling to multi-task with different projects in an amount of time." "Assisted to Customers needs and questions." "Having customers leave with a wonderful experience and quality insurance." (And no, he wasn't selling insurance, either.) "I am multi-tasked, organizer, knowledgeable of computers, fast skill learner, prompt, warm and friendly woman." (Hubbinawha?) "I saw your posting on Craig's List and was interested in the position if it is currently available." (No, we filled it within two hours of posting it. What kind of stupid question is that?) "I was responsible for scheduling performers from around the country to perform at my bi-monthly coffeehouses." ---- Other miscellaneous details "(301) xxx-xxxx (Phone)" Really? That's a phone number? I'd never have guessed. There is absolutely no reason that someone who graduated high school less than four years ago needs a three page resume. None. I graduated seven years ago and worked in two completely different fields, and mine's still under a page. "2001 - 2001", then later "2006 - 2006", no months listed. Man, those were some great eras. If you're currently a teacher, there is no need to mention your two-month stint at a concession stand six years ago. Promise. And for the same person, if you put that you were a 2nd grade teacher from September 2006 until February 2007, that makes me think you got fired, because February was last month. We're in March now. Either you were fired, which is not going to bode well, or you didn't read over the resume carefully before sending it to me, which means you lack the needed attention to detail. See above. A friend had the unprofessional e-mail address issue with the "get high with me @" guy a couple months ago. Today's is a l33t-speak "sky's the limit," but spelled "skiis," which took me three minutes to figure out wasn't some reference to cocaine. And compared to these other asses, she's actually got one of the better resumes, so it's a shame her e-mail address shows she's a moron. If you are claiming the management of operations for a home office as a previous position, you need to a) add a cover letter, and b) explain in your cover letter why you want to now work part-time for little money at a low-level job. "Very hard working even when no one is." Just because your previous job had lots of slackers doesn't mean that we are, so cut out the holier-than-thou attitude, 'kay? Do you hate my eyes? Because why else would you put your resume in 8pt. font? The blocks of unbroken texts are not helping you, either. You know what? I'm tossing this one already, and I'm only three lines into it.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: DC <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-03-09T14:39:31-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/291196665.html Ways to not write a resume. text Public Restroom Standard Operating Procedure (PRSOP) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/290562690.html I’m sad to say that the following is true. I may possible have OCD, but using the restroom in any other manner would be absolutely reprehensible to me. Allow me to explain. The following PRSOP ensures I emerge unscathed, and as pristine as possible. After my lunch, I enter the restroom as soon as possible to avoid the risk of neighbors in adjacent stalls. Post lunch crowding is most detestable and can ruin an otherwise marginally tolerable experience. I begin with a survey of all available stalls making careful notes on cleanliness, seat condition, toiletry supply, lighting, and space for maneuverability. Once I have selected my stall I enter and close the door behind me using a small square of tissue to lock the latch. Next I begin the cleansing process. I start with an initial flush using my foot to remove any particulate matter inside the bowl visible or otherwise. Once water movement in the bowl has ceased, I fashion a giant mitten the size of a softball by wrapping my hand in at least 10 yards of toilet paper. I then use said mitten to vigorously scrub the seat top, and any exposed surfaces of the underlying bowl, discard the mitten, and commence second flush. Once water movement in the bowl has ceased a second time, I fashion a smaller mitten that I use to remove any collateral splatter from the second flush before constructing my protective barrier. The thin tissues provided by the janitorial staff are as much of a joke as their cleaning abilities. Instead, I line the seat with a series of 10 sheets of toilet paper varying from 4 to 6 inches in length. I start at the front of the seat, and work my way to the back carefully overlapping the previous sheet, and the seat’s edge to prevent even the slightest skin contact. With the barrier in place I un-fasten my trousers and prepare to sit. I take special care to sit down directly as any lateral movement could cause the paper to shift, ruining the integrity of my protective barrier. I wrap my shirt tightly around my waist, tuck my badge in my shirt pocket, and check to make sure the cuffs of my pants are not touching the floor. I pass my bowels. I wait the pre-determined 5-minute recovery period, and then begin remediation. Mittens of various size are utilized until an acceptable level of cleanliness is perceived. I then stand pausing for a moment to admire my handiwork, and then resume remediation until I am certain that absolutely no undesirable matter remains on my posterior. This can take up to 30 mittens, with multiple flushes, and can be an extremely stressful process. Convinced of my cleanliness, yet still feeling dirty I use another square to undo the latch, and exit the stall. I walk to the hand washing stations and roll out a small square of paper towel, leaving it attached to the dispenser. I then wash my hands twice, the first most vigorously, and the second as a lesser back up, before retrieving the square of paper towel to turn off the faucet. I then use the square to dispense enough paper towel (about the size of a volleyball) to dry my hands, and serve as a protective barrier while exiting the facility. The whole process takes about 15 minutes. It is something of which I am simultaneously ashamed, and very proud.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: DC <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-03-08T13:14:59-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/290562690.html Public Restroom Standard Operating Procedure (PRSOP) text When its snowing http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/286629026.html I should have written this years ago. I am a snowplow contractor in northern Va, Loudoun County to be exact, and I need to point out a few things to people when there is a snowstorm. 1: If you don’t need to go out, then don’t. Why do you feel the need to run to the store during a storm? Did you not hear or see the forecast? Are you that low on bread, milk, smokes and beer that you have to risk your life and the lives of others? 2: If you must go out, stay the fuck out of my way, if you see a truck in a shopping center with a plow on the front, and a flashing yellow light on the roof, don’t try to pass the truck when its plowing, don’t pull up in a fire lane, park the vehicle, get out, and “run into the store for a second”, your in the fucking way, not to mention parked illegally, haven’t you figured out that im trying to clear the parking lot so morons like you can shop there? 3: When you pull into a parking lot where a truck is plowing, ( I know I can speak for most plow contractors when I say that we try to clear spaces close to the building first so vehicles may park ) pull into a space that has already been cleared, don’t park your piece of shit halfway up the lot that im trying to plow. If you cant tell the difference between parking spaces that have been cleared and ones that haven’t, the plowed spaces are black, the unplowed spaces are white. 4: Don’t pull into a large parking lot that im plowing, get out, tie a sled to the back of your Subaru and pull your kids around at 25mph, anyone who does this is a fucking idiot, and shouldn’t be allowed to have kids. Your father should have pulled out. 5: SUV’s,…… I don’t care what the salesman told you, your sport- utility- vehicle WILL GET STUCK, and it’s usually in my way, stop flailing your arms and jumping up and down like you just won the lottery, trying to get me to stop to help I could care less, im not breaking up my truck trying to pull your junk out of a snow bank just because you don’t know how to drive, stay the fuck home. 6: Property managers; most of you people understand what were trying to do, but there are a few of you who need to be shot, stop calling and asking the same questions you already know the answers to, here’s the #1 question “when are you coming?”, and here is the #1 response: “When I pull into the fucking lot, I have arrived” And another thing, when we do a good job we don’t expect praise, we just want you to pay the god damn bill, stop picking apart the job because your to cheap to pay, just send in a check and shut the fuck up. If you cant do this, then find your SIGNED CONTRACT and bring it to court. 7: Crabby people: Lets get one thing straight right now, I DID NOT CAUSE IT TO SNOW, ok? Its not my fault, don’t yell obscenities at me, don’t throw shit at my truck, don’t threaten to kick my ass unless your fat, half -drunk ass can do it. And to the guy behind the K-Mart a few years back who wouldn’t step aside so I could continue plowing, when I asked you kindly to step aside, and you started playing with your buck knife, giving me shit, you need to know that you came within 2 seconds of having a 9mm auto in your face, have you never heard the joke about the guy who brought a knife to a gunfight? Dumb ass. You weren’t worth a 10-cent bullet. 8: I also want to take time to thank the police officers and firefighters who have to deal with idiots in bad weather, after seeing a guy in a SUV pull RIGHT OUT in front of a fire engine with the siren screaming. And finally to the guy in the blue BMW that flipped me off and walked away, …..you should be able to find your car sometime in mid May.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-03-01T12:45:52-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/286629026.html When its snowing text Rants from a UPS driver http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/285337887.html Before i started this job I thought I was a pretty normal person and your avg. person in DC had common sense. Damn if I wasn't wrong on that one. Now mind you the avg home price where i deliver is $750,000+. Here are a few tips to get your shit to you, not get ran the hell over, and not get cursed out by a driver wearing a shit brown uniform. * Put fucking numbers on your house. How hard is that? I know your college educated. How fucking hard is it to post numbers. Hire someone hell hire me to put em up. And I understand your shit may be getting remodeled. Grab one of those big ass pieces of ply-wood spray some numbers on it and stick it in the front yard. * Illuminate the fucking lights. Go stand in the middle of the street at night and see if you can see your house numbers. If you cant see them or have to search to find them how in the fuck do you think I can see them????? * If you see my big ass truck driving down a narrow two way street with cars parked on both sides I PROMISE you you cannot get buy. Not even in a mini cooper on two wheels. * If you come out and see that your side view mirror is ripped off dont automatically assume it was me. It was probaly the asshole trying to squeeze by me. * Honking your horn is not going to move my truck. I assure you I already know I'm blocking your path and you blowing your horn constantly is only going to piss me off which in turn is only going to make me take longer to piss you off. * If you ordered huge shit from pottery barn, west elm, ikea, or overstock.com and I'm nice enough to bring it in your house b/c your weak, old, with child, have broken limb or just plain fucking lazy dont tip me a fucking dollar an think anything else is going to make it to your house on 1st attempt or in one piece. * Dont bitch because I threw your landsend or j crew package to your door. Its only a fucking shirt calm your nerves. * Dont tell me you damn life story unless your paying me to listen. I am on a time line. Shut up and just sign. * Lock up your dog/cat/bad ass kid or whatever else is wild behind your door. If it comes at me I will fuck it up with whatever I can get my hands on to defend myself. * And dont try to jump in my shit about a package that UPS lost somewhere in transition. I am only a driver I only deliver what they put on my truck. I have not been a driver my whole life and dont think this brown uniform will stop you from getting your ass kicked * And always remember my truck is bigger than your vehicle. Its raggedy as hell and DOES NOT STOP ON A DIME and never will. Dont cut me off or ride your bike in my path or think you can beat me across the street. I promise you will end up the loser guaranteed   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-02-27T02:23:18-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/285337887.html Rants from a UPS driver text Metro - The Underground Hell of DC http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/263559819.html How much do I hate riding the Metro? It ranks up there with ripping out hangnails and trying to find a parking spot downtown. After awhile, you get used to it, but you do find new things everyday that bug you. Here is my little rant - just listing my top 10 pet peeves of the daily Metro grind: 10. Slow walkers - People are going places. Take a Sunday stroll on weekends. At 7am on Monday, get your ass moving. If old people with canes are passing you, perhaps you should walk a little faster. 9. Examiner pushers - There are 2 free newspapers being handed out in the morning - The Express and The Examiner. Over 90% people read The Express. I think that the guy who tries to hand you The Examiner has some type of inferiority complex. He's gotten to the point where he's about to shove it in your coat pocket. Get over it, dude. Nobody wants to read your paper. 8. Conversationalist - STFU!!! I don't want to talk to you. We're on the Metro. Just look around once in awhile and don't talk to anybody. My iPod usually saves me the trouble of running into any of these people, but sometimes I forget it at home. I hate doing the "no-speaka-englishey" thing. No, that's not true. It's actually pretty fun. 7. Cell phone talker - I don't mind cell phone conversations. As long they're kept quiet and are over quickly. I don't care how trashed you got last night or what you have to pick up on the way home. If I'm not right next to you, I shouldn't have to listen to it. Oh, and I'm gonna get real jurassic on the next guy who thinks push-to-talk speaker feature is appropriate on the Metro. 6. Escalator Rule Ignorants - Repeat after me.....Left, Walkie, Rightie, Standie. Very simple. Stay on the side you want, but follow the rules. 5. Door Lurkers - Everyone wants to get off the Metro quickly. But if you're gonna be parking your ass by the door, don't bitch about it when I purposely bump into you as I exit or enter. And if you're outside waiting for me to get off, you better have left me some room to get by you. Cuz my laptop is pretty sturdy, and I don't mind using it to leave some bruises. 4. Turnstile Campers - Everyone should have to get a Metropass. These paper tickets are killing me. Apparently it's very hard to slide it in and take it out. If you actually turn around and comment "these things are really tough to work," don't expect me to nod in agreement. I might roll my eyes and mumble "Dumbass" as I look for a turnstile that hasn't been taken over by idiots. 3. Reekers - BO, perfume, whatever. If people are dropping around you, maybe it's time to buy some soap. If you go through a bottle of perfume a week, perhaps you should consider using less. If you can smell your own BO, you should be charged with a felony when you get on the Metro. 2. iPod Sharers - I listen to an iPod. I can crank it pretty high without anyone around me hearing anything. If I can hear your music, you're gonna go deaf pretty soon. When I'm trying to sleep, I don't need Ludacris cranking next to me. And why is it that only white, suburban guys in shirts and ties listen to Ludacris? Holla..... 1. Ass Spreaders - My favorite. I have literally had only one ass cheek on a seat before because the dude next to me had half his ass cheek on my side. Some spillage is fine, but DAYUM!!! If you're that big, maybe you should be standing. You lose more calories that way anyway. And I don't have to have the armrest digging into my spine and the ridge of the plastic seat pushing my boxer briefs half way up my ass. That's my rant. Thanks for listening. It's about time for me to go down to Metro hell and hang out with these people. <img src=263559819.jpg>   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Orange Line <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-01-16T13:25:49-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/263559819.html Metro - The Underground Hell of DC text "Sliding Scale of Couch Justice" Sage Green couch, big chair, ottoman http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/256561491.html Okay...so I'm moving in a week into a new house. My beautiful bride and I purchased this set for about a grand -- but about 7 years ago. It was great for us at the time...very Pottery Barn/Pier 1-ish. Well, it's still in good shape....it's got some stains and some wear spots where the cat took a claw to it once or twice...and my 2 year old son scribbled in pen in one of the back cushions...but that's no big deal because you can just flip the cushion...and besides, it adds character. Oh ya...it's severely urine stained from a night of partying....NAH, I'm just kidding there...no pee, vomit or other bodily fluid stains....that is DEFINITELY a plus for a craigslist couch....and, dare I say, practically unheard of for a matching couch, oversized chair, ottoman combo. Oh ya...we don't smoke either....so, it doesn't smell like an ashtray. So, anyway...we're moving and bought new stuff. You see, my wife got obsessed with some new paint color for our basement. The $20 paint color, unfortunately, does not match our $1,000 (albeit 7 year old) couch. However, I am a smart man...and I know that "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"...so, I gladly sign off on the purchase of said paint color and a new sectional/sleeper thing that, apparently, coordinates perfectly....I don't ask questions...this is her castle and she can decorate as she pleases. Now my dilemma...I am faced with what to do with my Sage Green "Ashley" Couch with matching oversized chair and ottoman. But, I don't just want to give the thing away...after all, It was one of the first major purchases we made together and it blessed us greatly over the years. I would love for this couch (and, of course, it's matching oversized chair and ottoman) to find it's way into the hands of someone truly thankful for it. Therefore, I propose the following "sliding scale of couch justice" to ward off any evildoers that might otherwise attempt to use this Sage Green beauty for any purposes other than intended. Therefore, the price of the couch will vary, for example: (1) Are you a young couple...just starting out...got big dreams of building a future together and conquering the world together...but, don't have the cash right now to make it happen? If so, I feel you...and I've been there...and for you...how about $50. And my prayer for you will be that you look back on your Sage Green Couch Craiglist purchase with great notalgia. (2) Or, you are a Frat boy, just out of college looking for a sweet couch to bang hot chicks on....for you....$1,500...never, ever disrepect my couch like that....unless, of course, you're willing to pay. Besides...this couch is not a leather ensemble from Haverty's...it's good and all...but, it's not exactly going to make the ladies clothes fall off just by looking at it, you know? (3) Or, maybe you're single mom...struggling to make ends meet and your piece of crap husband left you for his whore of secretary. And now you're looking for a couch for the basement for your kids...well...I feel your pain as well. If that's the case....$25 for you....come pick her up and she's yours. (4) You're active duty military or retired military. You have fought for and admirably served this wonderful country. You realize that America cannot be the land of the free unless we are also the home of the brave. Though you'd rather not, you are willing to be shot at and shoot back in the name of protecting our freedoms....and you do so for chumps like me who sit firmly entrenched behind our desks in an office w/a view collecting our comparatively over-inflated salaries. That, my friend, is priceless...so for you, the sage green beauty is free of charge...come pick her up. (5) You're a craigslist troller...looking for something cheap to re-sell on ebay...sorry, charlie....can't let my Sage Green Ashley couch get pimped out like that.....$700 for you. (6) Or, perhaps, You've got a decent income and Maybe you just bought a house or are renting a new one and need a decent couch to fill some space...but you don't want to spend a bunch of money on something that you know you'll want to replace in a a few years....if so, I respect that...there's something to be said for living within a budget and not worrying about "keeping up w/the Jones's"...in that case...how about $75 for you. (7) Or, you are a Washington Redskins fan...and you are looking for a couch to put in your sport room that is not all floral and crap and embarassing. You want it to look decent...but you also want to be able to spill your Milwaukee's Best on it when cussing at the TV....I, also feel you...and I WANT you to have this couch. I, too, have done the same on this very same couch as my beloved team has given me season after season of futility. For you, $70. (8) You are a Giants fan and looking to do the same: $85 (9) Philly fan (the green would definitely complement the team colors)? $100 (10) Cowboys fan? $2,790 -- sorry...I could never allow my much cherished sage green couch to adorn the sports basement of a Cowboys fan. I'm sorry...I just can't...unless of course you want to pay me $1,790 more than I paid for this beauty 7 years ago. So, what's your story? Do you want the couch? The mathching oversized chair? The ottoman? Tell me your story and tell me your price. It's gotta be out of my house in a week. Hit me with an email.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> Location: Ashburn <li> It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-01-02T15:16:37-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/256561491.html "Sliding Scale of Couch Justice" Sage Green couch, big chair, ottoman text There's A Banana In The Tailpipe http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/252140821.html Ok, so here's a "I just feel the need to share this with someone (I obviously can't tell anyone I know)" post. The story needs to be told . . . Since my wife shows an interest in sex extremely infrequently (you wouldn't guess it by our three kids), I have been largely left to my own devices over the years. Sometimes I get . . . well, you know . . . curious. (BTW, will someone please explain to me what the deal is with all the wives out there -- mine in particular -- who love sex until a few years into a marriage? Please, please unlock this mystery for me. Yes, I want to keep things new (please again). And yes, I want to experiment - quite desperately in fact. And oh, how I love to eat that kitty cat. Simply love it. Oh, but wait, what's that you say? All you want to do is missionary? And you don't really want foreplay? Well, shoot, I guess I'll have to say I'm down with that, too, especially when given the alternative of the fabulous Ms. Rosie Palm. But _no_ sex? Oh, sorry, I mean once a month? (I count once a month as possibly more torturous than none at all.) Well, Ow, you're standing on my manhood. And while you're at it, _please_ explain exactly wtf is up with being all kissy and flirty and pressing all up against me . . . when we are anywhere _but_ the bedroom? That makes me mental! It's like whispering into my ear, "Oh, honey, I can't wait to take you to the Promised Land." Then you blindfold me, tell me you're taking me to the airport, and then, when you remove the blindfold and I see we're on a bus headed for Cleveland, you say with surprise: "What Promised Land?") Anyway, back to my curiosity. One of the things Ive been curious about is those pornstars. I'll let you know that I make it a point not to buy porn -- those internet trailers offer up plenty for my humble needs. But even so, I can't help but feel some guilt about those poor, exploited pornstars. They're people too. (Of course, the guilt typically doesn't set in, at least not in any sort of cogent sense, until after I've gotten my rocks off to the freebies they star in.) (Ok, a second tangent: Guys, I know you know what I'm talking about here since I know you all beat off -- maybe there's 5% of you don't feel the need to master your domain, but from you I seek the same information that my wife (and around 90% of other wives, based on the posts I've seen) evidently also possess: wtf is the deal? But back to my tangent -- ladies, if you're married and you two aren't having sex (again, once a month does not count), I need to tell you something: when your hubbie goes off to "check on some work stuff" or "send some emails" or "fix the computer," especially if he does this after crawling in bed and realizing that yet again he isn't getting any, guess what he's doing? He's slappin' it, just like me. Don't feel bad, don't feel guilty (you're not a bad wife and can't control your desires any more than he can), and don't feel mad. At the very least, feel glad that he's not out there on the prowl. But again, don't feel bad; he's been working his nightstick since long before you met him and it's nothing personal.) Back to the pornstars. I confess, I've rubbed one out more than once as some hot chick plays hide the salami in the back door. Moaning in passion, she seems like she's en fuego, I mean, she seems to _really_ be enjoying herself. But is she? Is it possible to enjoy having a massive ramrod jammed repeatedly, though perhaps not with complete abandon, up your ass? I dunno. Sometimes they bounce up and down on that thing like a pogo stick, shuddering in apparent orgasm. But the physics of it . . . makes it hard to tell. And you have to keep in mind those pornstars are pretty good at pretending to have orgasms. Well, as someone who has some scruples about the whole thing -- and, as I say, ample time for solo experimentation -- I decided that before I would ever again take pleasure in what could potentially be the coerced suffering of another human being, I would find out if this really was a from of torture, and if so, no mas! That's right, no more porn for me, since most of it seems to involve anal these days (go figure). Of course, I had to carve out a small exception for those BDSM chicks who get off on spanking, bondage, and electroshock nipple twisting while getting hammered by some dude in a Hannibal Lecter mask. I will still beat off to them no matter how this experiment turns out. Hmmm, I thought, Now how am I going to go about finding out what it feels like to have a big, long, wide thing stuck in my butt? The obvious answer is right here on CL, but I wasn't about to go on m4m and get pummelled by some burly buttmaster. Too scary. Plus, I'm married and that would be cheating. You'll note that I could have bypassed this whole porn dilemma altogether by just going out and getting laid, but decided (uh, when I got married) that I'm not going to do that. So how about a cucumber? We didn't have any. Plus, those things are pretty big. Even bigger than pornstar dicks. But wouldn't you know it, there was a whole bowl full of bananas right there next to the sink. I sized them up and, being intimately familiar with the size and heft of my johnson in my hand, I got one that was just a bit bigger than my own tallywhacker. I figured that proportion-wise, I should pick one bigger than my own unit because those pornstars are typically getting nailed by people bigger than them, so in all fairness -- and if this experiment was really going to be worth anything -- I too should get nailed by a banana bigger than me. I went upstairs and got one of the Magnum condoms from my beside drawer. Yes, those Magnums, For Extra Size. Back in the long-lost days of sex, a girlfriend and I realized that the regular size didn't go all the way down to the base, and it really should for absolute protection. I've been a Magnum man ever since. And did you know condoms have an expiration date? Well, to illustrate the time over which my robust sexuality had been repressed to the point where I was planning to shove a banana up my ass in order to jack off with a clear conscience to women getting banged up the ass, these babies were a couple years out of date. I mean, sometimes my wife and I do get it on (see the once a month reference above), so that may be misleading. But when we do, we either practice the old pull-out move or use what I now realize is an out-of-date rubber (she's still not back on the pill after number 3). The point is, if your pack of rubbers expires, you're not using 'em fast enough. So now you see that this bigger-than-me-sized banana meant that I really did have my work cut out for me, what with me being Magnum-sized and all. (Tangent No. 3: But it's not like I'm some freak of nature or anything. At about 8", I probably don't even need the Magnums, but if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I spent my younger years so paranoid about knocking up a girlfriend I was determined to unroll that sucker _all_ the _way_ to the _base_. When the condom dudes say "base of the penis," they _mean_ "base of the penis." My Magnums never failed me.) At this point you might be wondering why I need a rubber in order to shove a banana up my ass. Am I worried about catching some sort of fruity STD? (ha! good one.) Well, number one, rubbers are nice and smooth. And number two they're lubricated. Even Biggus Dickus and the other pornstar ass raiders are kind enough to use lube. So, I lay on my back. I unroll the protection onto my banana. I bring my legs up like a pornstar, and I begin to push it in with an iron grip. Wow, this is cool, I think. Not too bad. I notice that the hard little end of the banana where the peel all comes together is a little uncomfortable, even though it's covered by the latex shield. Even though real dicks don't have a hard, square-edged point at the tip, I reason that it's a fair trade-off since I get to be the one driving this banana and can therefore take my time, whereas the poor little pornstar on whose behalf I'm conducting this experiment is at the mercy of Mr. Dickus, the piledriving stud, or whatever other human jackhammer the "director" scooped up off the street that day. Slowly, I get it deeper. Then, as I begin to make some real progess, the weirdest thing happens: I begin to feel like a slut. And I like it. My slutty instincts taking over, I realize I need a better angle if I'm going to get this bad boy all the way in me. I roll back onto my shoulders so my ass is sticking straight up and it helps. And of course, this position makes me feel even more slutty. This is weird. This is awesome. I realize that if I was a woman, I would likely be the biggest slut on the planet and I would love it. I strain and grunt, trying to shove this giant banana into my ass. By way of historical context, I will note that I have enjoyed having a few girlfriends who diddled around down there while giving me head (ladies, in case you didn't notice, it felt _good_), and have even done the same while beating off. But this was a whole different ballgame. It hurt. It required serious concentration to keep the door open and relaxed. I began to have some genuine admiration for those pornstars and their amazing sphincter control. And as a result of my competitive nature, I was compelled to get that damn thing in. The more I pushed, the further it moved in, and the sluttier I felt, and the more it hurt. Now for the next weird twist: as good and slutty as I felt, I had not even the slightest hint of wood. My mellow little buddy, Willie McFloppy, registered zero sexual response whatsoever. Nada. I would have thought that feeling slutty meant I was getting turned on, and that I would reach down there and find a rabidly throbbing Strongus St. Brute, Intrepid Seeker of Ovaries. But nope, just little Willie. So weird. And then a thought crosses my mind: What a ridiculous scene - how fucked up is _this_? I'm lying on my back, jamming a banana with a rubber on it up my ass while my wife is in the next room sleeping. At that point, I decided my little experiment was a success and called it quits. I made one final plunge, marked the depth with my finger, and removed the banana. As I pulled it out, my sphincter, which had (obviously) been relaxed, involuntarily squeezed together and forcefully ejected that thing, forcing my whole arm to jerk and my elbow to snap due to my firm grip on the would-be projectile. Damn!, I thought, It sure would feel good to bang somebody up the butt if butts can squeeze like _that_. No wonder so many people are trying to tap that ass. I made a mental note to try and find ways to convince my wife that anal sex is great. I'll keep you posted on my progress, buy don't hold your breath (the thunderous parting of the heavens followed by the hand of God reaching down to help little Bobby win his next checkers game against his imaginary friend might serve as an indication that there is actually room in the universe for such a possiblity as my wife wanting to have anal sex). Anyhow, I checked the depth marker of my finger and I'll be damned if I didn't get that sucker 4-5 inches up there. Wow. That was only my first try! I guess I have a future if this whole career thing doesn't work out. Oh, and I almost forgot: after I pulled it out, it didn't smell bad. Not at all - just latexy. I know this because I smelled it. Why on earth did I do that? I did it as a result of the following reasoning: (1) when I pulled it out, I was still in slut mode and therefore thought, What should I (a slut) do next?; (2) naturally, being in slut mode, I remembered the fact that the pornstars generally will slobber all over the very phallus that has just been deep within their butts immediately after removal; (3) stop that train! Slut mode or no, slobbering all over the banana that I just pulled out of my own butt was absolutely and completely beyond consideration -- sure, I've reamed girls while eating them out (some to their delight, others to their dismayed shock as their knees slam together and effectively box my ears) -- but this was just too gross, too demeaning . . . even I have standards (and if a guy who just shoved a banana up his ass thinks something's too demeaning, that's saying something); (4) I figured I could find out how bad it must taste just by giving it a little sniff (did you know 90% or so of your taste is actually what you smell?). The end result: not so nasty after all, just latexy and a little funky. Still, no way in hell was I going to put a butt plunger in my mouth. Buuut, now that the whole fellatio train of thought was yelling "all aboard," I decided I ought to jump on. Lord knows I've busted to the sight of those poor little pornstars performing that neat trick of going balls deep, so I might as well be a man of the people in that regard as well. With that in mind, I peeled off the condom and decided to try and deep throat my banana, sans jus d'booty. And I got that thing pretty much all the way in - way further than I got it up my ass! The little hard part at the end irritated my throat a little (the "I'm driving this banana" rationale was equally applicable here, I thought), but I was able to suppress my gag reflex easily enough and really get after it. Viola! Now I won't feel so bad beating off to deep throaters either! Success on all fronts! So fellas, you can put down your bananas, cucumbers, electric toothbrush handles, remote controls, travel shampoo bottles, or whatever else you can think of: I've got this one covered. You're clear for takeoff; fire at will. Of course, my experiment only covers the purely physical aspect of things, not the emotional scarring of being objectified and treated like crap, the financial ripping off that surely goes on and gets the porn-site producers rich, and not to mention a whole slew of other stuff. But hey, I'm not Superman. I'm just a man with a sense of decency and fairness and a good imagination. And besides, they don't make any money off those trailers I watch for free. So what's the upshot of this little caper I pulled off? What does it all mean, beyond the fact that pornstars may well enjoy anal sex, or least are likely not being tortured? What does it mean for me on a personal, psychological, emotional level? Shhheeeiiiit. Fucked if I know.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> Location: DC <li> It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-12-21T16:20:20-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/252140821.html There's A Banana In The Tailpipe text The Five Stages of Living in the DC Area: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/244622194.html Stage 1: Living downtown is the greatest! It’s so wonderful living in such a vibrant, diverse community. I love being able to walk to hipster bars, overpriced tapas restaurants, and leather furniture stores where the cheapest couch costs 6-months rent. Stage 2: DC is a squalid cesspool, a third-rate wannabe capitol like Dakar or Isengard, full of hipster losers and youth violence gangs of rogue Uruk-hai. Stage 3: Thank god I live in the suburbs! It’s so clean, the schools are great, and I don’t have to worry about being raped on the way back from Bed Bath and Beyond or having pennies thrown at my head. Stage 4: Borf was right! The suburbs are a boring, sprawling wasteland of stripmalls, $tarbucKKK$s, and cookie-cutter McMan$$ion$. I read it in the Cliffs Notes to Foucault’s Madness and Civilization. $ma$h the $tate! Stage 5: Go to Stage 1.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> Location: Here and There <li> It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-12-05T17:38:55-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/244622194.html The Five Stages of Living in the DC Area: text Will pay to catch your cold! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/240872127.html It's a long story, but I need to be down with a cold by the end of this week. If you have a cold, I will literally pay you to cough all over me. Not a joke.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-11-27T22:24:31-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/240872127.html Will pay to catch your cold! text 7 Habits of Highly Annoying People on CL m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/240186599.html Post day after day with no response? Post but only get spammers and porn sites? Answer a post and never hear back? Frustrated, lonely, tired, married and wondering “how hard is it to get a friggin’ handjob ferchrissakes?” If you can’t figure out what’s going on, you might be guilty of one of the 7 Habits of Highly Annoying People on CL M4W. (Ladies, many of these could apply to your ads as well, I just am not familiar with them). Habit 1: Starting your post with a plaintive “Are there any normal women/men/humanoids left?” The answer, my friend, is a resounding NO . Maybe it’s because of global warming, or 8 years of Republicans, but all the normal folks moved to Canada or some shithole like that. So shut the fuck up and deal with the remaining dysfunctional misfits like the rest of us. Habit 2: Starting your ad by saying that you’re heartbroken over an ex and go on to detail how she cheated on you lied to you broke your tender little loving heart etc and now you just want to find someone nice to replace THAT BITCH and to take your mind off her. Um, do I look like your fucking therapist? I didn’t think so. Go out with your mates, get piss drunk, text the ex that she was a shitty lay and had a fat ass, and get over it like a man. Otherwise, I’ll charge you 120/hr like my therapist does to listen to my bitching and moaning about my exes, and I’ll still dump your sorry ass because whiny does not equal sexy. Habit 3: total,compleetlack Of anYpunctuashion skillz,,that makes, me, wonder if you are , a, Nigerians Scammer . OR YELLING ABOUT HOW SENSITIVE AND KIND YOU ARE AND HOW YOU WANT TO MARRY A NICE NORMAL GIRLWHY CANT YOU FIND ANYONE NORMAL HOW COME NOONE RESPONDS??!!! I’ll tell you why—it’s because no one can understand a goddam word you’re SHOUTING. Settle down, and remember, capitalization, periods, and the proper use of the comma are your friends. Habit 4: You say “I promise you won’t be disappointed.” How the fuck do you know? What if I am looking for a 6’7” red headed trapeze artist who likes to shove popsicle sticks up his ass while yodeling? Every time someone has said “you won’t be disappointed,” I inevitably am. Habit 5: You post the same, overly earnest, long winded ad EVERY DAY FOR MONTHS. Dude, you know who you are. Clearly, it’s not working for you. I suggest a different approach. Besides, I don’t have time to read your friggin dissertation. Brevity is the soul of wit and all that crap. Habit 6: You post repeatedly, using the same picture, but with different ages, categories, descriptions of who you are and what you want. What, Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator” wasn’t enough for you? Crreeeepy. Habit 7: You are looking for a Girlfriend Who Squirts. Jesus H. man, you also won’t give up. I’m tempted to buy a water pistol, stick it up my vagigi and let er rip all over you just so I don’t have to see your fucking post one more time. Okay folks, that’s all, back to your regularly scheduled program.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-11-26T17:03:37-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/240186599.html 7 Habits of Highly Annoying People on CL m4w text Missed connection with Washington, DC http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/218445799.html I miss you already, you wonderful, self-important, walkable, sporty, humid, pretentious, kinetic, dazzling, overpriced, overcaffeinated, cobblestoned, self-conscious, self-unaware, popped-collar-sporting, popped-collar-mocking, preppy hipster college town masquerading as the political capital of the world. I was just 17 when we met. You were my first love, and you stuck with me through thick and then - the years rat-racing through college, that weird time after college when I worked in a restaurant, the overpaid paralegal job, the misguided semester of law school, and then even when I moved down to Virginia I still visited you every single weekend. When the plane hit the Pentagon, I watched the smoke from across the river and cried. I thought the scaffolding around the Washington Monument was beautiful. I sat in Einstein's lap. When I was flush I drank at the 18th street lounge, and when I was broke I went across the street to Lucky Bar. I could lie in my bed at night and listen to the monkeys making a racket across the street at the zoo, and wake up on a Saturday and sit in my front yard and smoke a cigar with my best friends and watch your young families and your gorgeous, gorgeous young women strolling by. Georgetown was the neighborhood I loved to hate, and seedy Adams Morgan at 3 AM on a Saturday was the neighborhood I hated to admit I loved. Afternoons laughing out loud at the human circus in Dupont Circle, then getting my butt kicked at chess by some homeless guy. All those weekends we spent Running Against Bush. Man, that seems like such a long time ago. Hitting up Mount Pleasant for real, authentic Mexican food, or crashing with my Hill friends and waking up early to get breakfast at Eastern Market. Running on the Mall. Playing Ultimate or soccer or rugby on the Mall. Flying kites on the Mall. Building a snow sculpture of the Capitol, on the Mall. Worshipping in the temples of Lincoln and Roosevelt and most of all, Jefferson. Taking pretty girls for walks on the Mall and ending up on the top deck of the Kennedy Center, looking out at your beautiful lights and wanting it all so badly. All those mornings for all those years, waking up before daylight to row up and down and up and down and up and down the Potomac. Running from the cops under Key Bridge. Drag racing up Rock Creek Park in the middle of the night, and a thousand other crazy stupid things we did together that in retrospect were idiotic but at the time, just meant being young and being broke and alive and full of ideals and most of all, happy. And now they've finally taken me away from you, and made me come live in this desolate little town in the middle of nowhere where the highest form of culture is the Barber shop/Tattoo parlor combo, and the nearest movie theater is 40 miles away, and the people weigh too much and talk too slowly and I can't complain any more about strangers in bars always wanting to ask what's your job and what's your politics, 'cause around here, everyone's job is the same and people don't understand why a polite person would want to bring up politics in the first place. I guess I never really told you how I felt, DC. They say that you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone... only, I guess in our case, you're still there, and I'm the one who's gone, but anyway it works out the same way in the end. But now that I'm gone, I just wanted to tell you hey, thanks for all the memories, all the good times, all the things you taught me about myself and my country and the world. I'll never forget you, the city of my youth. You're beautiful to me. You'll always be my first love.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Middle of Nowhere <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-10-10T01:01:16-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/218445799.html Missed connection with Washington, DC text Wake up and smell the cosmpolitan.... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/215876260.html Once again, I witness the insanity with bemusement and equilibrium. I’m at an event this weekend with an acquaintance of mine, one of the most attractive women I know. She’s not quite drop dead, movie star gorgeous, but close, kind of “girl next door” meets playboy: blonde, blue, perfect features, petite, very feminine. The thing is, she knows it. Not in a hugely stuck up way, but she carries within herself a deep sense of entitlement, for she has always been the prettiest girl, and along with that has come a set of expectations and exemptions. Now I’m not jealous, though at times have been envious. I’m attractive, cute, been called beautiful even, with nice features—but not model looks. I’m a size 6, not 2, I have a cute bob, not the sexy long locks, I forget to do my nails, and I usually wear pants to work, not a tight, designer skirt suit. So anyway we’re at an event, full of young-ish, single-ish attractive people. Within 20 minutes, she’s got a few guys competing for her attention. I make eye contact with a cute, but not hot, guy, you know the one, a bit skinny, wearing khakis and glasses. He wanders over, we chat, I introduce him to my friend and bam….his eyes glaze over and he throws his hat into the ring with all the other men vying for her attention. I might as well be invisible, and at this point am free to watch the spectacle with bemusement: three or four men competing for her attention, a few more hovering around, wondering if there might be a strategic inroad at some point. Now, some of those guys might—might--score a number. Maybe—if you play your cards right. But that one—the cute but not too hot, not too tall, not too rich guy—you’re wasting your time. For while she may happily accept a 14$ martini from you, she’ll turn to me, roll her eyes, and mouth “save me.” Or you, super smart policy wonk who is bedazzled by her pearly whites, you don’t know that she actually told me she prefers frat boys. She’s never even heard of Thomas Friedman, much less read an editorial. And you, the one who is under 5’10” and a grad student? Forget it. Too short, too poor. Now, you might intuit some of these things, but go for it anyway. Here are a few things you probably can’t intuit. She’s never traveled further afield than Mexico. She spends her weekends shopping, working out, and getting ready. She thinks dating a guy who drives a Porsche is an accomplishment. More to the point, although she is not unkind, she’s always been coddled because of her looks and consequently has never been forced to develop other characteristics—like compassion, empathy, strength, sexiness, vulnerability. And you know what else? She’s like a dead fish in bed and finds anything beyond blindfolds to be wholly unacceptable and disgusting (This straight from an ex boyfriend of hers, who admitted it to a friend of mine). Why? She’s never had to learn that looking good is not enough once you’re past the bar scene. What you also don’t know is that standing near here, outside the spotlight, is another woman—attractive, strong, accomplished, adventurous (in all ways) funny, and down to earth. The kind of woman who appreciates your gesture of buying a drink, but does not expect it, who actually prefers grounded, if imperfect, men to "hot guys", who doesn’t do her nails because she’s always breaking them going camping or building shelves, is not interested in the car you drive (she rides a bike to work) but is interested in what you’re reading, what you’re thinking, what you want, what turns you on--who you are, not what you appear to be or what you can do for her. So all you guys complaining that all DC women want are tall, rich, hot stupid guys and there are no nice, normal, cool women--, its, time to wake up and smell the cosmopolitan. She’s only hard to find because you—blinded by the blonde—aren’t looking.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-10-04T10:05:15-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/215876260.html Wake up and smell the cosmpolitan.... text RANT: Cereal http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/213801475.html I hate cereal. For a number of reasons. First, If I'm eating you, then I didn't get any last night. If I get laid then one of us likely spending the night at the others house. If that's the case, I usually do good enough to earn home cooked bacon and eggs or pancakes. Or, if we stay at myplace, which has no bacon, eggs, nor pancake ingredients then we usually go out and get something. If I'm eating cereal...I'm eating cereal alone Second, if I'm eating cereal. Then I didn't work out in the morning. Oatmeal is get up and work out food. Cereal is I slept too late food. Third, I despise when you open a new box of cereal and then the plastic bag inside is oh about a third full. Third-A, I feel ripped off. I bought a third of a box of cereal for full price. Third-B, as someone who likes the environment, if you're going to sell me a third of a box of cereal. Put it in a third of a box. For our trees and Al Gore's sake. Forth, The plastic bag never rips open well. It's a hassle to open it. I'm already frustrated because I didn't get laid the night before, now I have to fight with a plastic bag a third filled with cereal. When it finally rips, it rips funny so that the cereal doesn't pour but instead gets clogged up in the opening. I'm alone, horney, getting fatter, frustrated and hungry. I shake the box and the entire third of the box spills into the bowl and on the counter. Now I'm alone, horney, getting fatter, frustrated, hungry and picking cereal up off of the floor... damn cereal  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Pa(in in the ass)ntry <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-09-29T10:31:29-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/213801475.html RANT: Cereal text () () () NEW Campagnolo Bottom Bracket [total chick magnet] () () () http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/212946173.html You're riding down 18th street on a cool fall afternoon. You notice all the women aged 21-35 are standing along the sidewalk, all staring at you. As you stop for a red light, one approaches: HER: Pardon me, is that a Campagnolo bottom bracket? YOU: Why yes... it is. HER: [blushes] Wow, you must be a man of true discernment... tell me big boy, how big IS it? YOU: 111mm. HER: [stammers, begins to twitch] E-english threaded? YOU: ENGLISH threaded... HER: [tearing off clothes] YOU TOTAL HUNK OF A MAN, TAKE ME NOW!!!! YOU: [under your breath] Thanks, craigslist!! Seriously dudes, it could happen to you. This thing is BRAND-FREAKING-NEW! Reduced price!  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Columbia Heights/Petworth <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-09-27T12:31:48-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/212946173.html () () () NEW Campagnolo Bottom Bracket [total chick magnet] () () () text Confusion parading as art http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/209064426.html My wife’s annoyingly bohemian niece gave us this piece of abstract "art" after her graduation. She was in art school for almost 6 years and, yes folks, this was part of her senior thesis. If you're interested in completely useless hanging wire objects that merely consume space and inspire nothing more than smirks from visitors, this piece is for you. Or, if you want to send someone a not-so-subtle message letting them know you hate them, this piece would make the perfect gift. First person to come to my house to pick this crap up gets it.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around DC <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  <img src=209064426.jpg> webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-09-18T17:41:13-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/209064426.html Confusion parading as art text Why nice guys SUCK http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/205576820.html This is a long rant, so bear with me or hit your back button. I'm frustrated and in no mood for your shit either, so if you don't want to read it, well... So I'm dating a nice guy now and it SUCKS. No other way to explain it, it just SUCKS. He's no challenge. He agrees with everything I say. He's got it all though - a decent job, a nice house, no kids, no psycho ex-wives, and he's tall and cute. Anyone ever seen that Friends episode when Alec Baldwin played Phoebe's boyfriend?? YEAH, my boyfriend is THAT nice. He's just too fucking nice. Nice is boring. I've never heard him raise his voice. He's never aggressive. He has no edge. He won't even drive over the speed limit and that fucking annoys the shit out of me, yet I sit in the passenger seat and keep my mouth shut... watching everyone whiz by us. And don't get me started on the sex. Oh, excuse me... making love. After he cums (note I didn't mention anything about ME cumming), he rolls over and says "Oh, that was nice" with a little sigh. I KID YOU NOT, he says it EVERY TIME and then he sighs like he has just woken from a refreshing nap. I finally got so tired of missionary and him looking lovingly into my eyes and smiling as he came, that I threw him down on the couch one night and mounted him. At first he was terrified - yes, TERRIFIED. He thought something had possessed me. And it HAD -- it was sheer MADNESS. I fucked the shit out of him that night. And then he sighed and said "Oh, that was nice". Now that we had the cowgirl position conquered (always with that sigh afterwards), it was time to move on to doggie. His ex-girlfriend never did doggie (hmmm... maybe there's a "nice" ex-girlfriend to blame for his timid niceness?? That bitch...). Anyway, I digress. I tell him I want him to fuck me from behind. Yes, I used the word "fuck" and I didn't care what he thought about it. He gets behind me and enters me, and damned if he didn't say "OH, THIS IS NICE" !!! Are there any 35 y/o men out there that haven't smacked a woman's ass when doing her doggie?? YES, and he's my boyfriend! Tonight during sex, I think I'm gonna tell him to stick his finger in my ass when I'm riding him. THAT should be interesting. So for the nice guys out there, my advice is this: It's great that you're nice (to an extent), but have some backbone. Don't be a spine donor all your life. When your girl is out of line, say something. Don't let her walk all over you. Occasionally, be a "bad" boy (being bad doesn't translate to abusive or criminal). Say "No" to her sometimes. Raise your voice and be heard. Say something dirty/sexy to her occasionally. Drink a few too many beers and piss out in public. Smack her ass. Don't ever use the word NICE to describe things, especially sex (okay, that may be a personal pet peeve). Have an interest in at LEAST one sport (or pretend to). Drive 5-10 miles over the speed limit once in awhile. Run an old lady off the road just for kicks (yeah, I'm kidding about this one... just ride her bumper for a few miles). Be aggressive during sex. Take off those damn white socks and Jesus sandals. Grow a goatee for a few weeks. Shave your balls. Stray from your routine and shake things up. BE A MAN FOR GOD'S SAKE... and the women will fall at your feet. Whew... THAT FELT NICE.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around A rant from a mad woman <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-09-10T21:19:07-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/205576820.html Why nice guys SUCK text Rave: Thanks for making the M4W ads fast and easy to sort http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/199824932.html Thank you, men of CL’s m4w. Thank you for creating ISOs that let me know, right from the title line in most cases, that you are not the guy for me. And here are my top ten criteria for Ads out the Airlock: 10. Married men. Of course you need relationships too. Of course you can’t be expected to hang with the old hag at home. She cut you off years ago. Why? Because she knows you better than I do. If I got to know you, no doubt I’d cut you off too. Better to leave that sack of scum lying unanswered. 9. No drama/no baggage requirement for an adult female in the 21st century. Please. That’s as realistic as looking for a virgin at a beauty pageant. If you find one, you’ll find there’s a reason she’s the tabula rasa of your dreams. Granted, the Stepford wives fantasy never goes completely out of style, but that’s long been a marker for deep-seated inadequacy issues. You must feel like you’re not even man enough to be able to compete with her past. Bummer for you. 8. Has no discernable interests: movies, eating, staying in and going out. WTF? This is a buyer’s market if you happen to be a woman. The first rule of marketing is to set yourself apart from the competition. If your life truly is reduced to the paucity of sameness you describe, then I don’t want you. I’m looking for a partner, not a project. 7. Must love all the same activities/interests. What happened to vive la difference? If you really need someone to sit on the couch with you through football/b-ball/nascar season without reflective input (or to go biking, hiking, blading ad nauseum) then you don’t need a GF, you need a dog. 6. Ladies…. Anything from there on out is just screed. ‘Ladies’ is how a bad waiter addresses a table full of women. And given that most of the you who use the word in a M4W go on to list or imply a series of desired/required carnal acts that might cause fully employed porn stars to blush, I have to wonder what it is that you know about this word that I don’t. 5. ‘LOL’—is it that you’re embarrassed by what you wrote? Are you uncertain that others will be able to follow your broad (wink, wink) attempts at humor without signaling on your part? It reads like nervous giggling. Is that the first impression that you want to leave with the potential Poontang of your dreams? 4. HWP requirement from puffy guys. Your driver’s license says you’re 5’ 10”. You tell the World of CL that you’re 5’ 11”. As it turns out, you’re really only 5’ 9” in thick socks. In your favor, you really do weigh 190. You didn’t lie about your weight, as women seem to do. You lied about your height, and you probably aren’t consciously aware that you did so. But even if you are 6’ 2”, if you weigh 230-240 you’d better work out twice a day, or take your pay checks from the dockworkers union. Otherwise, your H and your W are not P. And don’t come to me with the ‘fact’ that your waist size hasn’t changed in _____ number of years. You’re wearing that waist so low now that you’re bringing back the heady days of the late eighties baggy look favored by clockers and adolescents. 3. BORED….Oh yeah. Boredom is almost (almost, mind you) as attractive as desperation. I’m not the future cruise director for your oh-so-unfulfilled life. I’m a person with interests, acquaintances and friends, hobbies, vocations and more. I don’t even have time to watch TV. What is it that others find attractive about boredom? Please don’t tell me, it might be boring. 2. Reposting the same, tired and (evidently) unsuccessful ad over and over again. Are you hoping that the chick who is petite and a freak in the sheets is logged on and trolling the lists for the middle-aged, balding, bad-credit, married guy of her dreams at last? Afraid she may have missed that unremarkable ad the first thirty times you posted it? Even if you occasionally slap a new title line on that ad, the body is distinctly the same, and as unappealing as ever. Would it hurt you to use/develop some imagination in your quest for lasting (or just powerful) hook-up? 1. Money for dating. There’s a single word to cover that particular commodity exchange. It belongs over in commercial services, for one thing. It’s like those ads where in M4M some one’s looking for a STR8 guy to give/get a blow job. By definition, that STR8 guy isn’t, or he wouldn’t be cruising CE or M4M looking for that diversion. And women who answer ads from men seeking paid companionship are professionals of some kind, even if they’re new to exchanging fleshly contact for cash.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around in my dreams <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-08-28T07:40:27-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/199824932.html Rave: Thanks for making the M4W ads fast and easy to sort text 10 Things I Love About All You Holders of the XY Chromosome (i.e. MEN) - w4mm http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/192074838.html First of all, chivalry is alive and well, so a big thanks to all the lovely gentlemen who open doors, offer up your seats when the Metro is standing room only (I rarely accept, but your willingness to sacrifice is very sweet), and...oh: to the ones who rush to assist me when I drop my purse on the sidewalk and its contents - which are countless and, let's face it, largely unnecessary unless I find myself in some sort of survival situation - spill out all over 17th St. Thank you all very much! ...But the chivalrous acts aren't really what gets me. The things I truly love about men are all the things you might not recognize as being "lovable" or appealing to women. Such as: 1. The hilarious, obnoxious and totally adorable banter that goes on between two guys when they're playing a video game. If you know that scene from "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" ("I'm ripping your head off now...aaannd now I'm throwing it at your body...F%$K YOU!"), that's it in a nutshell. I know it isn't meant to be, but it's just so frigging cute. 2. The sound a man sometimes makes when I walk past him in a low-cut top. Hard to describe, but it's sort of a sing-songy little chirp of appreciation that he literally can not seem to hold in. Somewhat akin to the sound a very small animal might make if you squeezed its abdomen too tightly. (PETA folks please note: I have never actually squeezed a small animal's abdomen. I am merely speculating as to what it *might* sound like). 3. The stance you adopt when taking a good, long, desperately needed piss: leaning forward at a roughly 60-degree angle, one hand braced against the wall in front of you, the other hand gripping your kickstand...I don't know how, but it manages to make you look both strong and vulnerable. I love it. 4. The way a guy will use the pronoun "we" when discussing his favorite team. For example: "I can't believe we traded Player X" or "Dude, we are so gonna annihilate Team X in the playoffs." I always found that kind of sweet and oddly endearing. 5. I'm also rather fond of your forgetfulness. To go back to sports, I think it's amazing that you can forget key dates like birthdays and anniversaries and all that crap...but can immediately recall the stats of Player X, not to mention his hometown, height and weight, and what college he played for. Incredible! I'm much more amused than bothered by it. 6. The way all men look when they first wake up in the morning: boyish, crazy messed-up bed head, puffy eyes and lips, morning wood at half-mast. Awww, ya just look so sweet and defenseless! 7. The act of showing possession by smacking their girl's butt in public. Of course, not all men do this...but the kind I like do. My only criticism is, if you're not going to do it loud and hard enough for everyone in the immediate vicinity to take notice, don't bother. 8. The manner in which most guys (who don't have kids or maybe nieces/nephews) hold little babies: ehhhver-so-gently and barely moving, as if they're cradling delicate explosives and are afraid that the slightest movement might cause the thing to explode. 9. When I see that some of you suit wearers have pulled/slackened your ties on the Metro ride home from work, as though you simply couldn't wait until you got home and needed immediate relief, making the adjustment the moment you stepped out of your office building. Ahhh, freedom. 10. The fact that maybe 95% of you have NO IDEA how amazing and perfect you are in all your idiosyncratic maleness. *Sigh* I wish I could date every last one of you...   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around DC <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-08-09T15:08:16-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/192074838.html 10 Things I Love About All You Holders of the XY Chromosome (i.e. MEN) - w4mm text With The Creepy Guy Below My Balcony - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/186974929.html Alright Mr. Peeping Tom--I am onto you. Every time I head out to my tiny balcony to have a smoke (which is quite often as I am only in Virginia as a Consultant and am living in a boring corporate apartment) I hear your sliding glass door open below me. Now, I think I have heard this for a while but didn't think much of it. After all, I am just now getting used to all of my corporate-apartment-complex sounds and people do, in fact, open their doors occasionally. So, a few nights ago I notice this door-opening sound (as I am in my usual lounging attire of men's boxers and tank top with ummmmm... no undies) and thoughtfully think, 'Oh no--maybe the guy below me is bothered by my smoking..' so I look down through the deck slots and see you standing below me..... LOOKING UP MY SHORTS. After my head snaps up and (i'm pretty sure) my eyes bug out--I cannot believe what I have just seen so I lean over, squinting to try to focus through the narrow spaces, but you have darted (appropriate creepy word) back into your apartment. WTF?! My mind races to calculate exactly how many smokes I have had over the last 3 weeks (OMG) and how often I am wearing my lounging shorts with no undies (OMG, OMG)and how many times I have passed you on the sidewalk, smiled and said hello while carrying groceries (OMG, OMG, OMG) and all the while-- for some sick reason-- feeling totally mortified that I have not had a bikini wax in as long as I have been here. I catch myself actually feeling embarassed that YOU, creepy guy, might think that I have less-than-ideal grooming habits. So thanks to you, Mr. Peeping Tom, I now have to wear underwear when I don't want to AND look like a jackass pinned against my wall with my legs clamped shut every time I want to poison my lungs. Thanks a lot.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around NoVa <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-07-27T14:22:30-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/186974929.html With The Creepy Guy Below My Balcony - w4m text Thanks for reminding me why I'm gay http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/186439050.html From time to time - whenever I consider the extent of homophobia in our culture - I think about making a go of being straight, of meeting a nice girl whom I can actually marry. But this morning, thanks to you, Plastic Bitch on the Metro, I realized why that's a bad idea. As we filed into one of the trains at Metro Center, you spilled your skinny no-foam latte on my shirt and neglected to apologize. Until then, I was perfectly happy to overlook that fact that you were flouting Metro's no-beverage rule (you were probably up late last night gabbing with one of your girlfriends, so I'm sure you needed that morning boost of trendy caffeine more than anyone else using public transportation today). Judging from your appearance, you probably had to get up at the crack of dawn to put yourself together (another reason you needed caffeine more than anyone else on the planet). Black skirt, white blouse, enough makeup to give a drag queen a run for her money, hair pulled back tight: you've got your act together, I'll give you that much. Your look was marred only by your flip-flops, which naturally drew my attention to that tattoo of a Chinese character on your ankle. OMG!! A tattoo of a Chinese character - that's, like, so totally original! Did you think of that yourself? I didn't initially think you looked Chinese, but maybe you've got some trace of Chinese ancestry or something. You can't be a total flake, because you had a book in your oversized purse. Something by Cornel West, I noticed - OMG you must be so totally intellectual! Do you list "racial politics" as one of your interests on your faceboook profile? Maybe Cornel West was even your professor at Princeton (your alma mater as well as that of your dad, and his dad, and so on). Wait - let me guess - you majored in poli sci, didn't you? Or was it psych? Don't get me wrong - I'm no misogynist. I know lots and lots of really cool girls, and I happen to live with two in particular. But from now on, every time I think I might want to be straight, I'll think of going to a bar in Adams Morgan (you probably prefer Tom Tom's) and, because my straight buds are making comments about your tight butt (how many hours have you logged on the treadmill since eating that rice cake yesterday?), going up and hitting on you. I even got a taste of what that would be like this morning. Self-absorbed as you seemed on the train, listening to some song by the Pussycat Dolls on your Ipod, you managed to catch me staring at you. When you snorted as if to tell me you're way out of my league, I wanted to assure you that I wasn't checking you out but rather thinking of ways to trip you on your way out of the train. Alas, I got out before you. The badge prominently hanging around your neck told me that you're a staffer in the 109th Congress, so you were probably getting off at Capitol South. How cool, though! You're some Representative's Assistant's assistant, which makes you, like, a total power player. So that must've been you I saw coming out of Smith Point last Thursday, drunk after two $15 appletinis that daddy's credit card no doubt paid for. I can't be sure, but I'll use your bulging pearl necklace as a sign that you work for a Republican. Which means that you probably don't support my right to marry my boyfriend, which is the reason I harbor these foolish thoughts about getting with a girl in the first place. Thank goodness I saw you!!  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Orange/ Blue Line <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-07-26T09:48:28-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/186439050.html Thanks for reminding me why I'm gay text Metro and the war on fatties... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/186111752.html Time for a salute to an inanimate object… I love you, you strategically placed 15 foot tower at the top of the escalators in the Metro stations. Each day I look to you for guidance and never give you a second thought, but today I will remember you always and hold you near to my heart! For today, you trapped a fat bitch that was in such a hurry to make her train that she tried to fit between you and the concrete wall, and got her fat ass stuck. As this big ol’ piece of human shit barged off the Red Line at Metro Center and pushed her way through the crowd. I wished instant death on her. You my new friend have given me much more satisfaction then death ever could have… She could not be patient and thought it would be a grand idea to bypass all of us by doing what a lot of people do daily, slide between you and the wall to get on the escalator immediately. She instantly became wedged and in the process of swearing at you she managed to try to turn sideways and tore her purse off her shoulder, and all of her belongings made there way under the feet of passer by’s and got kicked around. Then the big ol’ piece of wasted sperm backed out and started to scream at everyone to stop and help her pick up her stuff.. Her cries fell on deaf ears this afternoon. Some laughed, some ignored her vulgar tongue and others made it a point to kick something for the hell of it. Will this person learn from her mistake? Probably not… But as long as you stand tall and fight the war on fatties, I will always love you and never look at you as just another sign in a Metro Station again!!!   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Metro Center <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-07-25T13:31:31-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/186111752.html Metro and the war on fatties... text Dear WDC Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/184248131.html Work has always been boring as hell. Period. Until one day I needed to find an apartment here. So I turn to the free craigslist apartment listings because hey, i'm a cheap ass. I find the apartment, but see that craigslist has so much more to offer. My first accidental encounter was with the Casual Encounters section. Needless to say that is not a mistake I will make again. And finally I stumbled upon the Promised Land that is RnR. How do you people do it? How do you all day in and day out manage to put forth so much unabided hate and cruelty, and not break down and just give some advice. Even myself, upon occasion, have given up trying to flame every and any topic and accidentally given an honest answer. I'm not proud of it, no sir. But it has happened. But you people never make that mistake. Need some advice on a relationship? Take a look at my cock instead. Pissed at work? You're just a worthless cockbite and you should kill yourself. It's these kinds of uninstigated, unmitigated flames that really make you people shine. How do you all manage to create topics of such insane inebriation that I doubt even you know what you're talking about? And the discrimination...the simply astounding level of discrimination. Day in and day out, there is a constant out pouring of every kind of discrimination. Niggers, fatties, midgets, honkies, spics, dagos, jews, bitches...it doesn't matter. You're all hated, and you all suck. All I hear is everyone bashing the racists for beings racists, but I think it's the racists who are the most fair because they hate everyone, where as all the racist-haters are a bunch of hypocrites who hate racists. You flaggers make me sick! And I can't even start on the trolls...you guys are the real heroes. Where otheres fail to instigate hate, you feed the hate-fire! So to you, apaulling, disgusting, absolute piece of shit DC CL RNR posters...I salute you, because without you, my ass would be bored at work everyday. And I really hate chinks. Really. You tiny smart fucks.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around I love you people <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-07-20T14:50:21-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/184248131.html Dear WDC Craigslist text Oh, I'll take care of your cat, alright. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/181313493.html So I was a wee bit bored last week at work and decided to surf CL to see if anything interesting caught my eye. As I was reading the GIGS section, one ad seemed like a great deal. A woman needed someone to watch her cat, in my house, for two months and offered 200 dollars for the job. It seemed like a lot of money at the time (I now realize that this is a pathetic offer) but I figured- Cats pretty much take care of themselves, so why not? 200 bucks is a nice pair of shoes or three. And it was more respectable than the guy who was offering 50 bucks an hour to iron his clothes in the nude. (Which I would be totally good at) That evening, I receive a phone call from the woman who informs me that she's in my neighborhood and wants to stop by and see my house "right this second." Oook. To make things more interesting, she also informs me that she didn't like the last house she left the cat with because the couple was unmarried. God forbid you leave a cat with an unmarried couple, it clearly might become tainted with their ideas and start frolicking with other cats before marriage. I should have told her to turn around then but I figured the cat was likely not as conservative as her, so why should I care? Her cat, of questionable marital status, was shaved like a damn poodle. Any human being who shaves their cat like a poodle should be turned in for animal cruelty. But this lady was more than just a weird old cat lady. She was a RACIST weird old cat lady. First, she came into my home and told me it was gorgeous- but she's not sure about leaving the cat in a neighborhood that has so many black people. She's "not fond of people with 'ethnic' backgrounds." She then says, "Oh, I'm sorry, you're not Mexican are you?" Nooo, I'm not Mexican, I'm actually French. I tell her, "that's ok, when we lived in the rural south, they spraypainted "Go home dirty mexicans" on our car because in rural Georgia, anyone with an accent is from Mexico." So I was used to the mix-up. She then says, "Oh, well I hate Mexicans and I'm not afraid to say it but I'm sorry for what you went through. Hard to believe such prejudice still exists in this country, but I guess that happens in the south." I'm sorry, what? Did you just say you can't believe people are PREJUDICED when you just insulted Mexicans and African Americans to a total stranger? Biting my tongue, she then told me she hates immigrants, particularly those from Ethiopia. Why? Because they came here solely for the purpose to be in the country that is "closest to God." I thought they came here for work and food, I guess I was wrong on that one. You know, I'm not sure which religion she is in, but I'm going to take a wild guess and assume the initials of it are "K.K.K" I began fantasizing about what I might do to this cat if she let me take care of it. I was thinking about growing the cat's hair out so it can look normal and not be ridiculed by other cats. Then, I'd like to expose it to the liberal media, let it watch MTV and take it across the street to hang out with black people to help it shake those racist ideas it had been force fed. But alas, it was like she could read my mind. She scooped up poodle cat and said, "I don't think this is the right place for my precious cat. There are too many personalities here." Oh, well. Maybe the naked ironing job is still open.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around DC <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-07-12T18:00:08-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/181313493.html Oh, I'll take care of your cat, alright. text The delicate balance that is my ballsack http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/176368889.html I trim. I mow the lawn up top to basically look like a pizza slice with a bite taken out. I use clippers for this. As for the balls and taint I have set up a system that helps me shave them without getting bumps or redness. I took a balloon, blew it up, lathered it, and then practiced shaving it until I could do so with a surgeon’s precision. It took practice but I finally felt that I had it down after several tries, one crying spell, and the Rocky theme playing in the background. So I decided last night would be my first ball shaving with the new technique. So I get naked, do a shot of bourbon, and then strip. Oh shit, the blinds! Okay close them after waving to my neighbor and proceed to ground zero… my bathroom. Once in the bathroom I put on a headband and start shouting slogans at myself in the mirror. “Fuck yeah bitch it’s going down” “Look at you! Is that even hair? Who would want you?” “Yall fuckers are gonna be smooth!” pointing to my wiry sack. Out with the bad air…in with the good. Okay so the tools are now all laid out. Three different razors. Gillette shaving cream. Water is running and Norah Jones is in the CD player. I don’t know why but her voice makes me want to shave my balls. But I digress. I splash a little cold water on my eggs so the bag will shrivel up. Good, nice and tight. My hands are shaking like leaves. Drip of sweat coming from my brow, and you bitches questioned the headband; I go in for the first hover stroke. I can’t do it. I drop the razor and pace. Fuck! All this prep work! All my training! All those popped balloons! Do it for the balloons kid, for the balloons. The voice in my head was familiar. Mickey? I grab the razor (cue inspirational music… you’re the best, arooound. Nothin’ in the world can keep you down!) I have never spoken in tongues or had an out of body experience but this is what I imagine it is like. I was hitting angles that I never thought possible. I was upside down at one point. I woke up speaking Latin and had two leg nuggets as smooth as silk. The phone had shaving cream and a couple of pubes on it and there was no more bourbon. Today, my friends, I have the smoothest sack in DC. It feels like that Viagra commercial when that guy got his confidence back. I am walking into rooms just eager to show my newly shorn sack. New haircut? Nope, shaved my balls! Did you get that promotion? Nope, silky sack! You’re the best, around. Nothin’ in the world can keep you down. You’re the best around…..   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-06-28T12:23:26-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/176368889.html The delicate balance that is my ballsack text F you Metro Rail http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/176317872.html Dear Metro, fuck you. It took me 40 minutes this morning to go 4 stations, why, why, why… The trains are over packed and the shear amount of human stench was enough to make me consider prying the door open and jumping on the tracks! Lot of good that would have done because the train was not FUCKIN moving so I would have ended up ruining a nice suit by laying in a pool of Metro worker piss, if you ever roll through Le Enfant plaza during the summer you know the piss smell I am talking about. Metro employees are rude and most of the time they do not even know what is going on. Equipment is old; I would venture to say the most out dated in the country. Shit, who thought putting carpet on a commuter train operated in a tourist Mecca was a good idea? You douche bags really just help DC already fucked up image… And you stupid ass tourists. The Monuments are not going to get up and walk away and if you leave your hotel after 9:00 AM I promise you there will be plenty of room to stand in front of the Capitol and talk about how it looks bigger in pictures. Give up a break during rush hour… Husband: Hey honey, let’s pack up the family and go spend a week in our Nations Capitol!!! I hear the National Mall is a veritable waste basket riddled with homeless and if we are lucky we might see someone getting mugged next to the entrance of the Smithsonian Metro. Wife: Wow honey that sounds great. We work long and hard all year to maintain our just above poverty status and a family trip to see where all of our moral value and sensible legislation derives from would just show the children that no matter how hard they work, they will never really get ahead. I say we go for it. Son: Gee whiz mom, Billy and his family went to Washington, DC last summer and he said they saw rats eating what looked like toe nail clippings off the floor on the train! Uhhh, if I see a rat can I keep him? Can I, huh mom can I please? Daughter: Ewww your gross little brother! Like if I see a rat on the train I am going to like tell a Metro employee and I am sure they will like go down the train and kill it. They would have to because it is like, a public safety issue or something. Father: Now now children enough bickering, and Sally do not set your expectations so high. You see, Metro has carpet floors that have collected years of filth similar to sewer in New York City. When you factor in weather, people eating and the occasional toe nail clipper you are going to get rats. It is to be expected and Metro is capable enough to deal with a grave situation. Gosh, when I was there on business I had a pleasant ride on the train! And despite a lingering smell of rotten milk and the windows being smeared with grease from people who rest their heads on them it was a most enjoyable ride. Mother: We could rent a car! Father: Ha-ha do not be silly honey. I heard from old man Tucker at the General Store that people in the DC area cannot drive. If it is sunny, raining, dark, morning or if there is just the appropriate amount of oxygen in the air to sustain human life people in the area freak out and cause delays that span for miles. Son: I sure am looking forward to my vacation to DC this year. Maybe with any luck I can find a shirt that says “FBI” on it so I can wear it all the time and people will think I am a cool secret agent. Daughter: Like totally, I really hope I can find a pink shirt that says “I love DC.” Like everyone will be so jealous of me and the concept of saying “I love” a certain city has NEVER been used before. Wife: Well we are going to have a splendid time and let’s make sure we walk side by side all the time so the locals get all pissed off because they cannot get to their office or their lunch meetings. Father: It is a plan family… We are going to DC and it will be the best family vacation ever! Family hug…   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around The entire Metro system <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-06-28T10:07:29-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/176317872.html F you Metro Rail text Keep Your Goddamn Anal Beads Out of the Dishwasher! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/167345070.html Dave, We've been roommates for what? A year and a half now? Three guys living together, we've learned to deal with each other's idiosyncrasies. We let a lot of shit slide. But you need to keep your anal beads out of the dishwaher. If your too damn lazy to wash them by hand, then you and your girlfriend are going to have to "do without". I don't want to see them. Nor do I want you to regale us with the story of how your girlfriend shoved them up your ass the other night. This is just common roommate courtesy. Thank you. Your roommate.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-06-02T16:38:04-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/167345070.html Keep Your Goddamn Anal Beads Out of the Dishwasher! text CL Salary guide http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/167323977.html Less than $30,000 = Loser! Put down the videogames, take a shower, and move out of your mom's house. $31,000 - $50,000 = Cool. You're alright with me man. I hear you. $51,000 - $70,000 = You're suspect pal. You're on my list. What are you some kind of smart person who learned how to do computers or something? My girlfriend is way hotter than yours. $71,000 - $90,000 = Must be nice to come from a rich family who paid for your eduction. Epp epp! Zip it. I don't want to hear about how clever you are. You're a fucking tool. Fucking bitch is what you are. Goddamn daddy's girl who never had to work a friggin day in her life, I tell you what. $91,000 - $100,000 = Hmmph. I guess you're ok. You're a special case. You must have something on the ball to make more than that fag rich kid, but still not make 6 figures. $101,000 - $200,000 = Your soul crushing job makes you pathetic. You think that's a lot of money? This is Park Avenue cooch here baby. Haha! $201,000 - $300,000 = Cocksucker. Yeah that's right, you. are. a. cocksucker. Just because you're a lawyer doesn't mean you're shit pal. $301,000 - up = I call bullshit. If you made so much money you wouldn't be on Craiglist e-mailing with a loser like me.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-06-02T15:40:23-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/167323977.html CL Salary guide text Look, a lot of chicks would be thrilled to catch me staring at them - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/166227385.html So let's just get the embarrassing fact out on the table. Yes, I was staring at you on the Metro. Yes, to be more specific, at your taut, luscious breasts. True, I did pretend to drop my Blackberry so I could look up your skirt (and magenta is just about my favorite panty color!). And we can further stipulate that, at some point during my staring, I was, in fact, hard. But there's so much more to me that you should know. I write poetry. I read to the elderly. I give to Amnesty International. And I am incredible in the sack. Incredible. Please, oh please fair Metro beauty, don't hold my lewdness against me. Yes, I undressed you with my eyes. And yes, in my fantasy I had you bent over the lap of the half-asleep old guy beside you, from which position I mercilessly diddled you to the shocked cries of our fellow passengers. I'm sorry it was so obvious. I knew I should have whacked off in the shower this morning. But be that as it may, can't you give our love a chance? I'm willing to overlook the bird you shot me as you got off the Metro; can't you overlook my totally inappropriate boner? Isn't love worth it?  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Arlington <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-05-30T17:00:15-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/166227385.html Look, a lot of chicks would be thrilled to catch me staring at them - m4w text confession of a driving "incident" yesterday. god help me. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/164501409.html Okay, I’ve been in the Chicago/Milwaukee area for a week; I DROVE and now I’m dog-tired. But I have to tell you what happened. Earlier Wednesday, in the rain, I …. Oh god I can’t even say it. Shoot. (calm down, just get down on screen and you’ll feel better. There-there, pat-pat, there-there, pat-pat) Okay, I ran over and killed……. DAMN IT. CONFESS CONFESS I KILLED A turtle. A fucking turtle. It crawled out of some woods near the Des Plaines River. It was POURING rain, sideways. I was going 35-mph in a forty-five. I was alert. I saw it RUNNING right into my line of tire. If it had only stayed still, he would still be alive today! The damn thing actually LOOKED UP at me. He was big. About the size of two and a half big-macs. I swear to god he looked like he was screaming. I couldn’t see his eyes but his mouth was wide open. He knew he was toast. His head and neck ROSE so high, six maybe seven inches stretching upwards from his shell. He was roaring. AHHHHHHH. Then he shook his head and ROARED again. AHHHHHHH (I could not hear his voice but the expression on his face was one of absolute terror and anger; I’m certain he was screaming.) There was no place to veer! Even if the road had been dry and lighted, I would still have had to smear him. I had no choice. The shoulder was one huge slick of mud and rocks, I could barely tell where it started and my lane ended. There was a stream of on-coming traffic; their headlights were making downpour seem worse. I must admit, I never considered causing a head-on collision to avoid the turtle. I had five, maybe six seconds of white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel before the, oh man, impact. It was horrible. Horrible. He was running as fast as he could but each step took him closer to death. The sound it made will haunt me forever. It was a crunch-CRUNCH. Both front and back left tires creamed him. The second (rear-tire) noise was louder than the front-tire crunch. WHY??? I’m thinking now that the first crunch PUSHED his huge shell on top of his soft body and immediately severed all four limbs and his head. The second CRUNCH was the shell shattering. Who knows. Crunch-CRUNCH. Crunch-CRUNCH. Crunch-CRUNCH. I’ll never eat grape nuts again. Man, I am so sorry. I’m sorry for him. And for me too I guess. If it had been a human, I would have had time to slam into the shoulder/ditch, maybe tree or two. But I couldn’t make myself do that for an animal. Even a turtle. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I checked my tires at the O’Hare Oasis but there was no apparent evidence. The rain washed away whatever that poor thing might have left in my treads. Poe nailed it …. That NOISE will be the end of me.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> this is in or around my own private hell <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-05-25T09:40:05-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/164501409.html confession of a driving "incident" yesterday. god help me. text Please don't use certain personal items of mine http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/164219542.html Dear Roommate, I know you were expecting me to be gone for the day. I know that I don’t usually come back to the house 15 minutes after I’ve left, but I forgot the document I was proofing last night and although I do have an e copy of it, I needed the notes I made on that copy while we watched a movie together last night. So, I had to come back home to get it. It was in our living room that I noticed a familiar sound coming from my side of the house and figured I might have bumped it while getting something out of my drawer this morning and it turned itself on. I was not very prepared for what had really happened. Now, I know that we’ve become closer over the last month or so then we ever have been. We both lost our significant other at approximately the same time. We’ve been doing more things together, like seeing movies, getting drinks, sun bathing, shopping and the like. I still don’t think that we’re close enough that we can share “personal” items of an intimate nature with each other. I know we’ve talked about sex, but this might have been a little bit over the line. When I got to my bedroom door and you were there, face buried in my pillow, on your knees, nude with my vibrator penetrating your anus and your hand feverishly rubbing your clit, I have to admit, the sight took my breath away for a moment. Now, I’m not turned on by other women, but you took my breath away. The first shock was the nakedness in my bed while I was not there; the second was that you were using my vibrator and the third that it was in your butt. Now, I’m not against butt play. I kind of like it sometimes. But a few sickening thoughts went through my head in the 10 seconds I stood there with my mouth gaping open before I left without you even noticing I was there. How often did you use my vibrator? Why on my bed? Why in your butt? Did you wash it afterwards? Now, if you have used it in your butt before, then your butt has been in me since my toy has been in me. I was not aware that we were sharing bodily fluids. Maybe we should kiss tonight to close the circle. *shudders* I wouldn’t even let my boyfriend put his penis in my vagina after it had been in my butt (until a shower anyway) because I don’t want butt in my vagina. I’ll be tossing my toy tonight. Or maybe I’ll just put it under your pillow. I don’t want it anymore. All I can think about is weather or not my vagina smells like a butt now. I think I’m going to have to buy a douche on the way home tonight. Would you like me to pick you up an enema so that your butt doesn’t smell like vagina? And I plan on burning my sheets, pillow and comforter tonight so I hope you don’t have plans for the fireplace. Thinking about this and putting pen to paper over the subject has just made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Sincerely, Your Roommate   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> this is in or around Oogiesville <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-05-24T13:15:52-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/164219542.html Please don't use certain personal items of mine text To the girl who threatened to skull fu*k me last night. - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/162480416.html You dropped off your 2 friends from an explorer on Pennsylvania Ave last night and yelled something to one of them about her scabs on her legs. I think I may have chimed in with something rude because our conversation went something like this; You: "Shut up!" Me: "You shut up slut!" You: "You shut the fuck up!" Me: "YOU shut the fuck up or I'll kill you!" You: "Noooo, YOU shut up or I WILL SKULL FUCK YOU!!!!" Me [raising my fist in the air]: "You shut the fuck up or I will fist you...slut!" I couldn't tell if you were pretty because your middle finger was in the way of your face as you peeled away. Anyways, I think I may be in love with you. I think we have a lot in common, and since I got the last word in please get in touch with me if you want to get together for a cup of coffee, a fisting, or a good ol' fashioned skull fuck.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> this is in or around Capitol Hill <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-05-19T11:43:40-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/162480416.html To the girl who threatened to skull fu*k me last night. - m4w text Why You're Not Getting Any (And How to Fix it) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/157662092.html Dear Roommate, You went out tonight and had yet another dismal failure. The best thing that can be said about this date is that at least it was mercifully short, so thankfully she didn't have to put up with you for too long. It's not that you're a bad dude. You're funny, smart, caring, and (to my male heterosexual eye) not that bad looking of a dude. The problem, roommate, is that you're just a fucking idiot when it comes to dating. I've had to watch this sad charade for over a year now, and I've had to listen to your sob stories, this constant recounting of how you can't find a nice girl to get into a relationship with. I understand; dating is hard. I'm no magician myself and don't claim to be the all-knowing expert of wooing the opposite sex. I've tried to help you, but you won't listen. Now I'm on Craigslist because I just can't stand it anymore. Roommate, please pull your head out of your ass. Here are ways you constantly fuck up. Fix these, and maybe, just maybe, you'll meet that nice girl you're looking for. 1. BE ON TIME. You fucking asshole, you are always late. ALWAYS. This isn't a big deal when you're just meeting up with me or your friends for beers at the bar, but it's goddamn rude when it's a girl that you're trying to impress, especially on the first date. The message you are sending is that you were doing something more important than making sure that you were on time for your date. As you get to know her better, maybe this can become one of your cute little "quirks," but being late right off the bat makes you look like a fucking dickhead. 2. IRON YOUR GODDAMN SHIRT! You walk out of the house looking like you just pulled your shirt out of the bottom of the hamper. Come to think of it, maybe you did. But dude, you look like fucking hell leaving with all of those wrinkles. Whether you want to admit it or not, she's going to notice. If you show up looking like crap (and late on top of it, fucko), again you're sending the message that you just don't care that much about trying to make a good impression with her. Take a look at your date--unless you're going out with the neighborhood crack whore, have you noticed that she probably spent more than 5 minutes getting ready? If you want her to look good for you, it's only fair that you look good for her, you inconsiderate bastard. 3. SHAVE. Just fucking shave. Your 2-day growth doesn't make you look like a dashing rogue. It makes you look like a slovenly bastard. Also, I want you to try an experiment: go to the Home Depot down the street. By some #2 sandpaper. Take it out of the box, and grasp it with the palm of your hand, positioning your arm at approximately a 45-degree angle. NOW RUB IT ALL OVER YOUR FUCKING FACE AND SEE HOW MUCH IT HURTS. Doesn't feel too good, does it you stupid son of a bitch? That's exactly what your face feels like to her if, heaven forbid, you actually kiss her. Now, some girls like the feel of an unshaved face. Shit, some girls like to be choked while you fuck them in the ass and pretend that she's an underage ballerina and you're Superman. But that doesn't mean you should show up to your first couple of dates with a gag ball, an industrial-size tube of K-Y, and a goddamn cape. Play the percentages: shave until she tells you otherwise. Asshole. 4. PAY ATTENTION TO THE CONVERSATION. You always complain about uncomfortable silences. Well, dickhead, what is it that you're talking about that leads to silence? You're doing one of two thing: (1) Talking about stuff that's boring as hell to most people, that could lead to potential conflicts, or that makes her feel uneasy (topics in this category include: work, politics, sports, religion and sex). If you get into a relationship, you might have long discussions about any of these topics. That's cool, that's healthy. But whipping that stuff out on the first date is most likely going to be a conversation killer; or, (2) You're talking about yourself. You tend to do that a lot. Shut the fuck up. It's about her, not you. Keep the conversation going by asking her follow-up questions and offering selective tidbits about yourself. That way, she feels like not only are you interested in her, but also she's learning about you. It doesn't matter what questions you ask her, just keep her talking. AND FUCKING LISTEN. Don't go on auto-pilot--she'll pick up on the fact that you're not really listening to her right away. 5. SHOW SOME CHIVALRY. Open doors. Offer to pay for the bill (but don't force it--she might feel more comfortable splitting the bill with you, because then she won't feel like you're "expecting something" as a reward). Be nice to the waitress. Don't look at ANY OTHER WOMEN, no matter how hot they are. As soon as you check out some other girl's ass, you're done. Save that shit for when we're out at the bar getting drunk. Until then, focus on your date. Flatter her. This is something we don't do well in our culture, but find a way to compliment her without coming off like an asshole. Find something you genuinely like about her (her outfit, necklace, shoes, whatever) and tell her. Stay away from the following areas, though: Boobs, lips, legs, ass, and just bascially her body in general. Don't come off as a perv. 6. MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Dude, she's not going to fuck you on the first date. It's just not going to happen...and the girl who DOES fuck you on the first date isn't a girl you want to get into a relationship with. If she's fucking you on the first date, how many other guys do you think she's sleeping with? You're not that good looking, charming, or rich. YOUR ENTIRE GOAL FOR THE FIRST DATE IS TO GET A SECOND DATE. That is the only way you should measure success. If you get a kiss after the first date, that's great...but the lack of a kiss doesn't mean shit. And guess what? Your entire goal for the second date is to get the third date. It's ok to ratchet up the physical flirting as the number of your dates increases, but as soon as she feels you trying to sniff out her cooter, you're done unless she already wants to swallow your Special Swimmers. That's all I've got for right now. I hope you read this. I hope you meet a girl who you can have a good relationship with. I also hope you fucking quit whining about it to me. Oh, and I need the fucking rent. Asshole.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> this is in or around Arlington <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-05-04T23:20:33-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/157662092.html Why You're Not Getting Any (And How to Fix it) text Going Down.... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/149029755.html So as I began to go down excitement filled my body. Will this be a new experience? Or will it just be a ho-hum everyday occurrence I thought this time might be special, so I decided to take my time descending and look for ques from her. Will this take 2 minutes...12 minutes...20 minutes...? So I mover forward and started toward the tunnel. I closed my eyes and tried to block out everything around me. I concentrated. I moved with her direction. Most of the time I moved with her, at times, I moved a little against her. Many times I would subtly switch direction in order to make things easier. We were progressing smoothly and suddenly she shook and shook again, and then stopped. I waited for her regain her motor skills and off she raced again. Faster. FASTER. We had been at this for at least 20 minutes and I could sense she was she had almost arrived. Faster, moving slight;y side to side, she began swaying so forcefully, that I had to grab ahold for fear of losing balance. Faster. Suddenly she arrived and she came to a complete halt. She seemed satisfied with the performance. I was sure she would tell me I was the best she had ever had. She opened her mouth to say something.... momentarily speechless...then she says ever so roboticly "Doors closing" I am disappointed. I feel used. Unappreciated. But like any scorned lover, I will be back Monday, excited, for this time it might be different.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-04-07T10:28:53-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/149029755.html Going Down.... text The Daily Situation, Take 2: What I Do http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/142058107.html “So, what do you do?” Sweet Jesus, I hate this question; it infests DC like no other place I’ve lived. I get asked it every time I meet people, be they at or bar, friends of friends, spontaneous conversations in Safeway—hell, ragged old ladies sometimes accost me walking down the street, just to find out what I do. My job lacks the excitement or concise definition of most vocations, so I normally just lie about it. “So, what do you do?” the homeless guy outside the Rosslyn Metro asks me. “Why…I…am…Assistant…Director…of…Resource…Management…of…Poultry,” I reply. “Wait a second—why did you pause so much? Are you just making this up?” the homeless guy menacingly intones. “Of…course…not…I…was…just…building…suspense,” I say, before throwing down my Vitamin Water and bagel and running away in shame. The fact of the matter is, I’m very unsure of what my job actually IS. I work at an office and do a little bit of this (Solitaire) and a little bit of that (Spider Solitaire), but nothing that can be encapsulated in one or two words, like “Fireman” or “Bikini Inspector”. For me, everyday is an aggregate of small, insignificant tasks, designed solely for the purpose of making it to 5 PM. Play a game of Solitaire, 10 minutes. Knock out a Sudoku, 10 more minutes. Brew and drink coffee—oh, I can stretch that for at least a quarter hour. Trouble is, by 11 AM each day I’m normally wired on caffeine and exhausted of brief computer games, so I’m always desperately in need of Big Timekilling Activities. I’ve developed elaborate BTA’s involving round robin tournaments of office games, games that normally include Styrofoam cups, uneaten yogurt tins, and a three-hole punch, but those normally end quickly in tragedy: “Good God, this coffee tastes terrible! And what’s this gooey purple stuff on my papers?” my boss inevitably asks. I tend to look away and make a cryptic comment about the last intern being “Very, very strange. And possibly retarded.” So as you can see, the collective nincompoopery of my officemates puts the kibosh on office game BTA’s, so I have to turn to tasks more individual in nature. The other day, for instance, I decided that there was no good reason not to make a paper clip necklace. I took the precaution of borrowing the receptionist’s paper clips, because there was no way in hell those puppies were going to survive, and I didn’t want to be accused of wasting office supplies. I finished in about 10 minutes, put on the necklace and snuck into the restroom to check myself out. “Hmm, good, but not that good,” I said aloud, admiring my handiwork in the bathroom mirror. “I really can make it bigger.” “It’s not the size of the boat, just the motion in the ocean,” the middle-aged man from across the hall said as he exited the bathroom stall. “You’ll be fine, son.” “No, I wasn’t talking about that, I was talking about…” I began, before realizing that I had two options here: admit that I was just looking at a paper clip necklace I made for myself, or fess up to a complete stranger about feelings of penile inadequacy. Tough call, but the choice was clear. “Thanks, I’m sure women will like me just the way I am,” I answered with a nod. I think I made the right decision—because in the end, I had a whole day in front of me, a cup full of paper clips, and, by God, I was GOING to make it bigger. webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-03-15T08:13:35-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/142058107.html The Daily Situation, Take 2: What I Do text 10 reasons why I hate being a woman: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/137792491.html 10 reasons why I hate being a woman: 1) I am so sick of my period! One-third of every month is negatively affected by my period. I am either sick from cramps, bloated beyond belief, on it, finishing it, too emotional, not emotional at all, or just simply not myself. The right months are worse than the left ones. Ortho, Depo and the others do nothing to help. 2) I hate make-up. I went to work today without make-up (I feel like crap already) and the first thing I hear when I sit down is a co-worker saying "I see you woke up late this morning, you should put your face on before anyone else sees you like that"... WTF, this is my face... it is a cute face... I like it just the way it is. Why do I have to put on a show for everyone around me, hell some of the guys here don't even shave before coming to work... they wear the same tired clothes every week... so why do I need to bother? 3) I have to be a slave to fashion. Same as the make-up situation, god forbid if I wear my most comfortable pants to work, or an out of style outfit that I personally like. Why do I have to spend a couple thousand dollars a year on clothes and accessories, why do all of my friends want to shop all of the time. This is a sickness, and I am sick of it. I wish I could dress like a guy, in the same suit I bought in 1999 and the same tie that I have worn every week for the past three years. That would be nice! 4) My bra has never fit me right! Why can't I find a bra that fits me perfectly? One that is slightly adjustable to compensate for my ever changing body? With the right cup just slightly larger than the left cup, one that provides just the right amount of support. Is this too much to ask, retailers have put significant effort into the feminine hygiene realm, perhaps they could divert some of their R&D monies away from moisture lock technologies and into making the perfect bra. If only I was a little smaller, then I could go without. 5) I hate the following terms: Pussy, Slit, Cooche, Cunt, Snatch, Cooter, Beaver, Hole, Muff, Twat, and Clam... I also hate Titties, Boobies, Funbags, Melons and any other idiotic name people come up with for my body parts. I have a vagina and breasts or tits. Easy as that. Can you say Vagina? I hope so. 6) Double standards: Men get away with murder in the business world. Women are held to a much higher degree of scrutiny and to a much higher standard than men. When men talk they are networking, when women talk we are gossiping... when men make mistakes they are risk takers, when women make mistakes we are incompetent, when men argue they are debating, when women argue we are being catty. You get the idea. I am just as smart, if not smarter than most of my coworkers, but I will always get stuck behind a guy with 'ambition and drive', especially when I spend a good portion of my month focusing on my insides (see #1). 7) Sex is different for women. Men take great pride in bedding women, as many and as often as possible. If a women expresses her sexuality she is a whore, tramp or slut. Rightly so sometimes... there is no female equivalent to the blow job, a blow job is a power trip for the guy... I am on my knees in front of him or with my head around his waist in some fashion, pleasuring him until he finishes, then it is up to me to clean up while he basks in the satisfaction. If he goes down on me, it is a different experience, there is no power exchange, he is still in a powerful position (legs apart is always vulnerable) and he is still happy to see my vagina. The picture alone is worth ten minutes of licking on his part. Don't even get me started on penetration... 8) My yearly gyno appointment. enough said, I wish I could just turn my head and cough, just once! 9) The bathroom! Ok, I am not going to talk about the cleanliness of bathrooms and the hygiene habits of women, that has been covered ad nauseum on this board. I am going to say that I wish I could be a little neater when I pee, I can't stand that first dribble that tends to go somewhere other than in the bowl if I am not sitting. The squat pee (which I have to do given the state of the restrooms in some places) is never neat for me. No need for graphic details here. 10) My mother and all other women who feel that I am breaking the social contract by not having children. I have enough issues with my girly parts already, I can't imagine what having a child would do to me. I also don't feel like bringing new babies into the current world, so don't tell me that I should. Don't say that I should 'start looking for a husband' <wink> because I am getting older... why don't you tell the guys, 'better get serious about a family, your time is ticking'... I hate the double standards, the 1950s restrictions that still apply today, the fact that every body that sees me thinks that I am a walking baby factory, that I need to put on a show for them to attract a suitable man to take care of me so that I can bear his children. I want comfortable clothes, a man to truly understand vulnerability, especially sexual vulnerability without getting freaky about it. I want the same priveleges that men have. Is that too much to ask? webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-02-28T14:06:11-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/137792491.html 10 reasons why I hate being a woman: text Shitty W4M Photos http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/132921405.html <table width="500" border="0" cellspacing="60" cellpadding="0"> <tr> <td height="40" valign="top">Most of the women posting personal ads on Craigslist include the shittiest pictures possible. Here's proof: (these are all actual pictures)</td> </tr> <tr> <td height="40" valign="top"><img src="http://b.im.craigslist.org/iY/mj/2dD6EydCzmgyiSLX5dNXwnDc1gfg.jpg"> Either you're too stupid to operate a point and shoot, or you intentionally flashed out your face because it's hideous. To be on the safe side, I'll go with stupid and ugly. Seriously, what's the point? You're ugly, we get it.</td> </tr> <tr> <td height="40" valign="top"> <img src="http://b.im.craigslist.org/Oy/ER/j0WOLWJVfKTN3jHGzNGQdAWAy6nN.jpg"> Translation: "I'm ugly and fat. Here's a picture of a gladiola."</td> </tr> <tr> <td height="40" valign="top"> <img src="http://a.im.craigslist.org/JI/sV/hPbe24XgYoqgHVXuWfgVrpgq5P8W.jpg"> At least you selected the better looking one of the two of you. Here's some advice, this is not M4D, so don't post pictures of your dog. How about, oh, say, posting a picture of your mug instead? Oh right, that would make too much sense wouldn't it? Nice pink collar by the way. Does it have a bell? </td> </tr> <tr> <td height="40" valign="top"> <img src="http://a.im.craigslist.org/on/8V/KIuVemSXmxx5f9SJzW7I0TWxqwUW.jpg"> This one looks like a venereal disease through a microscope.</td> </tr> <tr> <td height="40" valign="top"><img src="http://b.im.craigslist.org/6g/WW/S8hvpgD4tjzVxv4nRrW2dt5As7Vf.jpg"> Next!</td> </tr> <tr> <td height="40" valign="top"><img src="http://a.im.craigslist.org/hY/dx/VklFlLG1Rmytxp6Hr8B0gDRYntX8.jpg"> Seriously, what the fuck.</td> </tr> <tr> <td height="40" valign="top"><img src="http://b.im.craigslist.org/wl/mb/sw0KzMJGYgJ7EPwHh8N6XVyhnC6M.jpg"> I think I'll take the skeleton in the sombrero.</td> </tr> <tr> <td height="40" valign="top"><img src="http://a.im.craigslist.org/Yr/SJ/sqMe4kGqa9cMFg194D9kmcMeAWkG.jpg"> Is this the car you want to be fucked in?</td> </tr> <tr> <td height="40" valign="top"><img src="http://b.im.craigslist.org/MW/Yt/U0MX1Hbo7f9D7QeY17u6WaxHfvNL.jpg"> I feel like a fly on acid looking at this one.</td> </tr> <tr> <td height="40" valign="top"><img src="http://b.im.craigslist.org/yT/J4/ICVyHCLxqzfNFSpnVFsb4zhnhtgh.jpg"> Terrible.</td> </tr> <tr> <td height="40" valign="top"><img src="http://b.im.craigslist.org/mk/x4/DNM4Y7iJbmNUMinTTcgOTkAuTwcp.jpg"> More flowers... </td> </tr> <tr> <td height="40" valign="top"><img src="http://a.im.craigslist.org/mU/N5/koLmueTjiVGT1m1vyC6NjGVnkUiE.jpg"> More stupid flowers. Newsflash ladies: flowers don't appeal to men. Why would you post them? Oh, that's right, you're ugly. </td> </tr> </table> webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-02-10T17:17:56-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/132921405.html Shitty W4M Photos text RAVE: To my new best friends at the Pleasure Place http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/131519477.html I thought it would be an "in and out job." I thought to myself, I'll just walk in, pick something reasonable, and make my merry way. I bought myself a vibrator before, no problem, it's in the bag, etc. etc. Never mind it was in my hippy dippy college town at a discrete shop for women in an obsure strip mall, and not, say, fronting Connecticut Avenue in the big bad city. Never mind that it was six years ago, with my freshman girlfriends, and we sheepishly giggled our way--together--through that most awkward rite of passage of celebrating one's own right to mechanically enhanced autophilia. Feigning confidence as I oh-so-aloofly browsed the strap-ons, the harnesses, the anal lubes, the crotch-high leather stiletto boots, etc., I noticed that in lieu of the kind old middle aged hippie women who sold me my friend "Flicka" back at school, the Pleasure Place was run (today) exclusively by boys. Yes i am an adult, and yes I obviously came to buy a vibrator, but still--BOYS selling me my next one? I shrugged, steeled my resolve, and continued to the back of the store,where a veritable cornucopia of sexual do-dads dared me to come hither. I soberly touched each box, read the price tags and the intended use of each toy, tried to make a sensible, informed consumer decision regarding which gizmo would best suit my masturbatory needs. (It's not like picking tomatoes, kids.) I select an interesting--if daunting piece of wide girth and several edges designed to stimulate multiple areas. OK, this is it. I will just buy it and leave. But life is never that simple. The Pleasure Place, devoted to customer satisfaction, does not honor returns and therefore must TEST every vibrator prior to purchase, right there on the sales counter, which is so conveniently in front of the store. I'm so sorry, short cute shy cashier who had to struggle with the batteries and try to run something that will touch a part of me you never wanted to know about. And I'm so sorry, Mr. Cashier, that I chose the only defective piece, and that it gave you so much trouble. Yes, I managed to select an impotent vibrator. As returned to the dildo-shelves, the cashier’s punktastic, purple-haired coworker (manager?) took over from there, asking me plainly, "Is there anything in particular you were looking for?" Beyond a battery-powered orgasm machine? No, but thanks for asking. Where any mere mortal would shrug and simply return to their work, you--purple-haired manager, expert in all things vibratory--showed me the spectrum of available toys. Furthermore, you demonstrated them for me right there in front of ther store. I was mortified in front of all the other customers as you matter-of-factly stuck the batteries in, ran the different modes, and even had me touch each item as it trembled in robotic lust. Straight, gay, or otherwise inclined, you impressed me by most professionally discussing at length the virtues of each item, without batting an eye, knowing full well that we were both trying to imagine exactly which thing IN YOUR HAND would feel best against my clitoris. You even laughed at my joke about the disco-Dildo that lit up. (Come on, who really cares if a light is going on in your vagina, anyhow?) Blushing but determined to make a buy, I continued browsing. I finally made a purchase, but you by then were busy with other work, and I was not able to thank you for a level of class, professionalism and candor about the most [literally] sensitive issues. The very kind cashier rang me up, duly tested my choice, and sent me on my way to enjoy to gift that keeps on giving. Thank you, Pleasure Place. No other sex-toy shop will ever live up to you. Love, Your newest devoted customer. webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-02-05T21:59:03-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/131519477.html RAVE: To my new best friends at the Pleasure Place text Why it's so hard to find a decent guy in DC http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/131212968.html How many new men do you think you’ll meet in a given year and be in a situation where you would actually have a chance to get to know each other? For a woman that goes out regularly and has a really active life -- she may meet 200. The average is probably closer to 100. Let’s go with 150 for the sake of argument. Now, how many of those men are decent enough (i.e. faithful, honest, not alcoholics) and have enough in common with you (i.e. similar interests, similar long-term goals, and common outlook and interests) to form a long-term meaningful relationship with? It’s probably close to 5 percent, or about 8 men every year that you have any hope of being happy with. Now here’s the typical DC woman’s absolute unwavering and rigid requirements: must be over 5’10”, makes $50,000 a year, works out daily, and drives a jaguar. That describes about one-half of one percent of the population. So, the odds that any of those eight men you meet this year will measure up to your rigid requirements are pretty slim. In fact, you’ll meet one guy in 25 years that is decent, has enough in common with you, and is tall and wealthy. Unfortunately, this guy is pretty damn popular, and unless you look like Halle Barry, you’re not the one he’s going to pick. Now, you’ll meet one of those eight potential life-long lovers this week. Unfortunately, he’s 5’9”, and you just couldn’t stand to be seen dating a guy who’s an inch or two shorter than you. I mean, after all, what would your friends think? So, you pass him up. Two weeks later, he meets a girl who is much more mature than the average DC woman, and she doesn’t care about his height. Likewise, he’s more mature than the average DC male and doesn’t care that she has a few extra pounds. They get married next spring. Next spring, you’ll be dating a wealthy, 6’3” lawyer. Unfortunately, he’s got a bad temper, and one night he’s going to have one two many. You guys will get in an argument, and he’ll end up slapping you hard across the face. You’ll be wise enough not to stick with this guy, and you’ll move on to the next tall, wealthy guy. Unfortunately, this one sleeps around, and by the time you find out he’s cheating on you, you have herpes. And since you can’t accept any imperfections in your lovers, you’ll never notice them in yourself. The fact you’re insecure, fake, and petty will escape you, and you’ll never change. You are, therefore, doomed to a life of misery. The good news is that all your friends will always be impressed by how handsome the guys you date are. That is until you get so old that the handsome ones no longer want you. But hey, maybe plastic surgery will extend your dating years until you’re 50. Then, of course, you’ll just be lonely. But you’ll have those herpes to keep you company and possibly a cat or two. And having finished this article, you’ll know that the reason you can’t find a decent man has nothing to do with the dating pool, and everything to do with you. webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-02-04T14:07:49-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/131212968.html Why it's so hard to find a decent guy in DC text Wild Republican Couple Seeks Adventurous Cutie - mw4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/127111310.html Hello, boys! We are two white, professional, educated Republicans and proud of it! She is blonde haired, blue eyes, He is brown haired, brown eyed, and we BOTH love to put things in our mouth. What's more, she loves to watch him put things in his mouth!!! We have normal lives, but sometimes we just need a little wild release with a total stranger. If this sounds like a fun way to end your week, here's what you must do: SEND US A PIC! (of your face, silly). TELL US WHY YOU'RE RESPONDING. Let's be perfectly clear: if we get together with you, YOU ARE GOING TO BE SUCKING DICK TONIGHT. Do not think this is just a chance for you boys to get with a new girl; you better be ready to play with my man if you even want to watch me take my clothes off, capice? So, who's game?   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> this is in or around Woodley Park <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-01-20T20:31:47-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/127111310.html Wild Republican Couple Seeks Adventurous Cutie - mw4m text In Order to Make the World a More Beautiful Place... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/122945896.html In order to facilitate a more peaceful CL W4W environment, I propose that we petition “Craig” to initiate subcategories within the CL W4W forum. I submit the following for consideration: Color Wheel 101 Are you good at mixing colors? Did you take art classes in college? Then “Color Wheel” is the area for you! Debate the veracity of statements such as, “red and blue make purple”, “all colors mixed together make white”, and “blue and orange are complimentary colors”. This forum is open to women who identify as gay, straight, lesbian, dyke, bisexual, omni-sexual, asexual, abstaining by choice, abstaining by circumstance, and all variations of trans individuals. White Women Who Hate Black Women Did your granddaddy wear a hood and burn crosses on the neighbor’s lawn? Are you incapable of tactfully stating a dating preference for Caucasian women without using racial slurs or slanderous physical descriptions? Then “White Women Who Hate Black Women” is the forum for you! There is no grammar skill requirement for this forum. I’m a Pissy Bitch and Have Nothing Better to do Than Find Fault with Everyone Else Do you have a miserable life? Does someone piss in your Cheerios every single damned day of the week? Do you have TONS AND TONS of spare time on your hands? Then “I’m a Pissy Bitch and Have Nothing Better to do Than Find Fault with Everyone Else” is the forum for you! Peruse the ads in the other forums at the CL W4W board and post away with your litany of criticisms and grammar mistake corrections. This board is particularly appealing to those who know it all and have never actually experienced heartbreak – makes it much easier to make fun of those who seek advice, guidance, and sympathy on the next board. The Woman I Met Three Weeks Ago Who Swore She Loved Me on Our Second Date Broke Up With Me – Suicide Advice Needed Do you rent the U-Haul just in ANTICIPATION of the first date? Do you use the word “love” with someone before you’ve memorized the names of their five cats? Have you been told by more than two friends that you really should seek therapy? Then “The Woman I Met Three Weeks Ago Who Swore She Loved Me on Our Second Date Broke Up With Me – Suicide Advice Needed” is the place for you! Commiserate with others who’ve experienced both the thrill of new love and the agony of the end of a relationship within the same calendar week. This is a great forum for meeting that next “special lady”. I’m a Skank, My Boyfriend’s a Skank, but We Can’t Help but Fantasize Are you a straight woman with a fantasy? Does your boyfriend have a birthday coming up? Then “I’m a Skank, My Boyfriend’s a Skank, but We Can’t Help But Fantasize” is the place for you! Never mind that the forum is found in the W4W section – that’s just to keep all the REAL straight women and men without goals from wandering in. If you have a boyfriend, but spend your days daydreaming about what it would be like to be with a woman (and, hey, who hasn’t, right?), then step right up, give us your measurements and his “dimensions” and let’s get it on! This forum best suited for those with no respect for their partner, who can host, and own their own digital camera. I’m Really a Guy…And a Perv…And Since I Don’t Leave My Mom’s Basement, This is the Only Way I Can Possibly Ever Hope to See a Naked Woman Are you 35+ and still living at home? Do you routinely not bathe for days or weeks at a time? Have your or a close friend had your picture posted on at least one State’s “Sex Offender Web Page”? Then “I’m Really a Guy…And a Perv…And Since I Don’t Leave My Mom’s Basement This is the Only Way I Can Possibly Ever Hope to See a Naked Woman” is the place for you! Don’t worry about grammar and no need to romance your prey. Just shuffle on in, tell us how horny (alternate spellings include: horney, hornee, whoreny) you are, and tell us ALL about how badly you’d like to slurp, lick, finger, and fist us. Be sure to request a naked photo and send us one of your “member” in response. I’m A Normal Lesbian and Can’t Figure Out How I Ended Up Here Did you stumble on to CL one day, see the W4W icon, and naively post a well-written and witty personal ad, listing your interests, what you’re looking for in a partner, and asking that interested individuals contact you? Do you possess boundless amounts of optimism and believe that you might truly find an intelligent, interesting, emotionally stable (preferably without the aid of medication), clean and sober, d/d free, single, lesbian or bisexual woman with a sense of humor on CL? Then “I’m a Normal Lesbian and Can’t Figure Out How I Ended Up Here” is the place for you! Practice the great lost art of true communication. Engage in enthralling online conversations with other women possessing similar optimism and naiveté. This forum reserved for women with some degree of class and at least a hint of personality. I recognize that additional forums may be needed later on, but this should be a good start. If I can get enough support for this movement, I'll start the petition to ol' "Craig" himself and see if we can get W4W moving in the right direction! webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-01-05T17:57:11-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/122945896.html In Order to Make the World a More Beautiful Place... text The Acronym List for all you newbies http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/121467962.html That's it... I've finally broken down and compiled a comprehensive list of netspeak. Keep in mind, this may be comprehensive but it's not necessarily complete. Just a product of moderating on a singles' website for some time now (which I have never and will never promote here, I keep my life compartmentalized and come here when I need to take a break). The first letter is for the one seeking and the last letter is the one being searched for. m4w = man for woman w4m = woman for man Some variations: if there's a "t" there it's either transsexual, transgender or transvestite. m4t = man 4 transsexual If there's a plural form (mm4ww, mw4w, w4ww etc.), "m" will always be man, "w" will still be woman. And "t"... well you get the point. The first letter signifies marital status or sexual orientation, the second letter is race and the third is gender. SAF = Single Asian Female BiWM = Bisexual White Male MBM = Married Black Male GHM = Gay Hispanic Male DWF = Divorced White Female Some variations: if a "p" appears somewhere in the middle, it means "professional." SWPM = Single White Professional Male If there's a "j" in the middle, it stands for "Jewish." SJPM = Single Jewish Professional Male If they post only two letters, they don't want to reveal either their marital status or race but they always say what their gender is. WM = White Male SF = Single Female Assorted acronyms/terms you'll probably encounter. CL = Craigslist SP = Strictly Platonic CE = Casual Encounters RL = Real Life hwp = height weight proportionate iso = in search of/is seeking only IIRC = if I recall correctly btw = by the way LOL = laugh out loud LMAO = laughing my ass off ROTFLMAO = rolling on the floor laughing my ass off a/s/l = age/sex/location SO = Significant Other NSA = No Strings Attached IM = Instant Messenger Cam = webcam LTR = Long Term Relationship bareback = sex without condoms BBW = Big Beautiful Women FB = Fuck Buddy FWB = Friends With Benefits d/df = drug/disease free fugly = fucking ugly (as in, extremely) sugar daddy/mommy = someone financially supporting another's lifestyle top/bottom = position for gay sex Sub = Submissive Dom = Dominant BDSM = Bondage Discipline/Domination Sadism Masochism strap-on = fake dicks fisting = putting the whole fist into someone's vagina or anal orifice as part of sex ABR/ANR = Adult Breastfeeding Relationship/Adult Nursing Relationship 420 = pot golden shower = taking a leak on someone bukkake = guys take turns ejaculating on a kneeling woman CD = Cross Dresser FOB = Fresh Off the Boat yellow fever = likes Asians brotha = black male sista = black female Read between the lines. BBW is also known as thick, curvy or overweight or a combination thereof. FB or FWB is just sex on a regular basis without having any other type of relationship with the other person. Being on cam can mean anything from "just verifying you are what you said you were" to "I want to see your boobs/jack off with you." Submissives can mean masochists. Dominants can mean sadists. ABR/ANR is when someone wants to drink milk straight from the lactating female source because it turns them on. Golden showers are watersports, involves someone pissing on someone. Any reference to 420 means pot/mary jane. Most (not all) references to skiing/snow... think of a drug that resembles snow, hmm? "Fun times" means sex. In the end, anyway. If there are dollar signs anywhere in the post title, someone's willing to pay or wants to be paid for sex. Tall can mean anything from 5'7 and up. Men always lie about their height. Average can mean overweight. The average person in the US is obese. Women always lie about their weight. For transsexual/transgender, think "The Crying Game." Also tranny for short. May have undergone a sex change or just wants to be considered by society as a member of the opposite sex. What's with those requests from gay guys for "straight dudes" to have sex with them (yes, Mr. Clinton, that's still sex)? Doesn't anyone realize that if a straight guy had sex with a gay guy, he'd either be bi or gay? And did I just say that out loud? Cross dressers aren't necessarily gay. Those guys who want strap-ons used on them aren't necessarily gay either. Metrosexuals are definitely not gay. They're just guys who like to take care of their appearance. Asians who barely speak English are called FOB. I have no idea why this is so, we use planes now. There are still losers who post in or answer ads from Strictly Platonic even when they're trolling for sex. Dick pics... why they never work on me, I don't know. Except I do know I run away screaming from men who'd probably do it in person by way of introducing themselves to me. It's nothing like a chocolate shop, boys. Face pics. If there's a pic symbol beside the title of a post, we expect to see a real face pic, not the picture of a sunset, a deranged cat or some other bs scenery. Truth in advertising. Otherwise, your post just gets passed over with an eye roll. If you don't want the whole world to know you're posting on a website (or don't want pic collectors using your pic to whack off), I have one word for you: Paint. See example below (yes, that's me --- no, don't scroll down yet, finish reading, dammit. If you went immediately to the pic, that's it. Men=visual creatures theory proven again). People who post an ad day after day (hell, hour after hour), 24/7... I just want to say "haven't you ever heard of donor fatigue?" There are people who say they're posting an ad for the last time and this can go on for months. They just can't stay away. Craigslist? Definitely thread crack. Like this is your crack: (_|_). This is your crack on Craigslist: (__|__). It's an addiction. While you're at it, send this to "Best of CL" so I don't have to keep posting this *^*%$#^ list. from a hwp SAF who hangs out in SP and yet sees ads from men who belong in CE (ick). Also, will never, ever answer ads that have "yellow fever" literally written in them. And (for those who have asked) has not experienced all of these terms... you don't have to fall off a cliff to know it's not your thing. P.S. If you're a friend I've met on CL and we're still hanging out --- you're probably as quirky as I am and we're the only sane people left here. Thanks to non-CL friends C and N for the thread crack. ~A webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-12-30T12:20:24-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/121467962.html The Acronym List for all you newbies text A public service announcment for guys about marriage http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/121436951.html OK guys, I was talking last night and we got a consensus of at least ten guys that the following is what lies ahead for you in marriage. So think carefully before you pop the question. Year one: Sex, sex, sex. All you could want. On the floor, in the woods, the car, the beach. Every time you’re alone, you’re banging like rabbits. Nothing is off limits. Nowhere either one of you won’t lick, tickle or tease. Each time you look at her naked body, you are filled with gratitude that God has given you this woman. Year two: It slows down, but you try to keep it hot just out of fear. You don’t want to become one of those couples. But now there’s no more spontaneous blowjobs. Things are more routine, but that’s OK because you’re still getting it regular and you’re happy. Years 3-5: Along comes the house and kids. Through it all, you find less and less time or reason to have sex. You go from 7 or more orgasms a week down to probably once a month. You get a bloated beer belly and your love handles turn into big bulges. She gets flabby with baby weight that just won’t go away. The second kid is even worse. She refuses to get stitched up after the second kid and so she’s now so loose you can’t even come inside her. When you do have sex, it’s like fucking a bowl of pudding. Years 5-7: You decide to get back in shape, to try to revive your sex life. You get trimmed down at the gym, almost to where you were before marriage. She gives it a half-hearted effort, but can’t make much progress. She refuses to wear any lingerie you buy her, instead coming to bed in a T-shirt (if you’re lucky) or a torn up set of PJs. And you now have to beg and schedule sex, which is cold and automatic. You now are masturbating regularly. In the shower, in the bathroom at work, anywhere, anytime you have a private moment. But the effect is minimal and you are constantly horny. For the first time, you will contemplate divorce. You’ll visit web sites about it and perhaps skim a book in the bookstore about divorce. Years 7-9: You find yourself staring in amazement at this woman and trying to remember when she was hot. Want a preview? Picture your girlfriend, now thicken up her arms by a third. Picture her ass all flattened and her legs thicker and more muscular. When you do convince her to make love, she usually quickly gets on her knees for you to enter her from behind and asks you not to fuckup her cold cream while you’re doing her. She’s dry as a bone and the scent of unwashed ass wafts up as you’re trying to bang her. She is hoping for another baby, but it seems unlikely. Your stomach churns at just the thought. By now you’ve had an affair or two. Maybe a crazy chick at the office or a couple hookers now and then, but the stress of it is too much. You are in disbelief that you are actually now masturbating in bed beside her as she snores. Year 9: It’s over. You occasionally score some outside poontang, but it’s expensive. Your wife now openly scorns any advances you make. If you suggest she get in shape, she labels you a woman-hater. Real men like women with curves, not sticks. Curves, sure, you think, but not roll after roll of blubber. She has stopped shaving, so that if you try to go down on her the hair is everywhere, matted and full of snarls. You hope to God she’s banging someone on the side, but you know it’s unlikely. You try to titty fuck her, but she doesn’t like that. There’s now no way to have an orgasm while you’re actually touching her. Year 10: You can’t sleep through the night. Even masturbating doesn’t help. You surf the Web or drink into the wee hours, praying for death’s sweet release to come and take you or her. You’ve talked with a lawyer, but after he lays out the reality for you, you know that can’t afford divorce unless you’re prepared to live in your parent’s basement while all your income goes toward maintaining your wife and kids. Plus, you love the kids. You can’t bear the thought of splitting up their family. Your future stretches before you like a desert, baking and sucking the life out of anything that tries to cross it. TIA webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-12-30T10:04:45-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/121436951.html A public service announcment for guys about marriage text Why I am getting out of the Marines http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/118782492.html As I sit here I am still shaking. I can't take much more of this shit. I am a Marine Pilot. Not that it means anything anymore. Today was another safety stand down put on by the mother fuckers in DOSS. Why? Cause another one of my friends is dead and gone. Why? Cause he flew his shit into the water that's why. Why'd he do that? Cause the mother fuckers that "be" i.e. the boys at the top have lost their fucking minds and can't say no. "Sir the aircraft are at 13% readiness, we don't have anything up." "That's not my problem, we got a FRAG, get it done." "Sir, none of our pilots are current to do this." "Currency? Currency is for pussies. Just do some pattern work before you go, you'll be fine." "Sir, the maintainers have been working non-stop 12 on 12 off for weeks now, we can't keep this pace up? "Rest, Marines don't need rest, they are tough. Tell them to drink some coffee and get these planes up." "Sir, I've been in the tube for the last 10 hours, the weather was shit, and I haven't seen my wife in 2 weeks, can I work on this tomorrow?" "No, I am going on leave Captain, I need that power point done by tomorrow, oh wait your on the schedule. Well, I guess you better get working." "Sir I don't have the crew rest to fly this." "Crew rest? What's crew rest. Your day doesn't start until the engines do, never mind that I had you in here this morning doing mindless bullshit." I hate you Marine Corps. I hate you. You push us and push us and ask us to do more. But there is no more. You can take your $18,000 dollar bonus and shove it up your ass! I am not staying. I am not flying this shit anymore. I am not going to go and break the rules for you anymore. Iam not going to turn motors when I know the maint. log books aren't worth the paper they are written on. I am not doing your fucking log run in this weather when you can't even get me the bare minimum flight time to keep my skills up. I am not going to anymore safety stand downs about leadership and seatbelt use. I am not going to listen to another fucking Major who has lost his soul and cares more about the taste of his coffee in the morning than if his people had time to even eat chow today. I will not do this. I will not get another phone call about a friend of mine who is now dead, because you bend the rules to make mission, because you can't say NO to anyone. We are broke damn it. We don't have the people, we don't have the parts. Hell, what kind of fucking military organization has the commanding officer tell his officers they need to go out and buy toilet paper for the head because we ran out? Fuck this. I am out. Berger, you were the best man, you shouldn't have died like that. Kerns, you were a funny dude. I am sorry I couldn’t see you buried, or have the courage to write your Mom and Dad about what nice guy you were. Murphy, why would you sign up for that shit! Your kids will never get to know what an awesome guy you were. I am in tears I am so frustrated. I wish you were still around, but I won't die like you. I won’t be some number on CNN's death 'o meter. I won’t contribute to this madness of telling the Wing we can do it when we are so far on our ass we can’t see the light of day. You Generals are fucking cowards. You know it’s broke, but you won’t say no will you. I did my part, and that's all I can do. Fuck you Marine Corps. I am not the only one that feels this way. Let's see where your retention is when the planes are so broke dick nobody can fly them, no matter how many rules you break to keep them up. Fuck You! webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-12-17T01:09:56-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/118782492.html Why I am getting out of the Marines text New from Apple: the I-God! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/117947332.html Tired of old-fashioned religious doctrines banning all the stuff you like to do, such as stealing office supplies and jerking off to the image of your neighbor's hot teenage daughter? Relax! You, as an American, are entitled to a PERSONAL GOD. He will give you unconditional love no matter how big a fucking loser you are. Cheated on your taxes? Lied to your kids? Fucked a small animal? It's okay! Your I-God will forgive you the second you whisper a heart-felt apology into its microphone. Then it will promise you eternal life in Heaven and divine justice here on earth. Is it time to rally the troops for an unnecessary war? Your I-God is on YOUR side, no matter who you are! Talk about win-win situations! Feel guilty about that abortion you had, or the fact that the Koran recommends stoning for active gays like you? Relax! It's all good. You are forgiven. You are loved no matter how big a sack of shit you are. I-God is nondenominational and nonjudgmental. He spends all his time trying to please you with nice things like 52" plasma televisions and carbon-fiber golf clubs. No need to pray to Him, attend a house of worship, or read a stuffy old religious text full of outdated rules and big words. It's you, you, you all the time, you big dummy. So head to your local Mac Store and quench that existential angst! We'll also throw in the I-M Right rationalizer: it will justify your behavior whether it's cutting off a school bus in traffic or slipping the knockwurst to your sister-in-law. All rights, no responsibility, all the fucking time. God bless America. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-12-13T15:53:31-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/117947332.html New from Apple: the I-God! text RAVE: Thanks Dad http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/117812333.html Thanks Dad.. Tonight was your birthday, and I didn't really get the chance to say all of the things I wanted to say about you in my toast tonight at Clydes, somewhere between the martini's and the old family friends, something got lost and we never really got the chance to talk. Anyway for you, and the whole world to see.... * Thanks for supporting me over the last 25 years of my life * Thanks for insisting that I go to college * Thanks for all the advice and knowledge over the years * Thanks for kicking my ass when you caught me smoking pot in high school * Thanks for having a toke with me when you caught me smoking pot in college * Thanks for the advice after I got laid off, and not letting me call my former boss (after several drinks) * Thanks for not telling mom about that reckless driving ticket * Thanks for showing me, that even you, are not perfect * Thanks for showing me the beauty of triscuts, cheese, and tobasco in the microwave at 2 in the morning * Thanks for helping me work on my car * Thanks for telling me that last girlfriend was fake, I wish I listened * Thanks for showing me the right way to treat a woman * Thanks for introducing me to great music, even when all of my friends were listening to Vanilla Ice and Mc Hammer * Thanks for teaching me how to ski * Thanks for always loving, caring, and supporting my mother * Thanks for pretending not to notice the scratch I put in your brand new BMW * Thanks for letting your stupid 16 year old son borrow aforementioned BMW to pick up girls * Thanks for listening to me tonight and taking a cab home, you guys were in no shape to drive And most important, thanks for making me into the man that I am today. If I can do even half the job you did as a father, everything is going to be great! Happy 60th.. Your son webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-12-13T02:19:43-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/117812333.html RAVE: Thanks Dad text To the Guy in the Islanders Bathroom http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/117513973.html Dear person in the Islanders Resturant bathroom, While I don't make a habbit of calling people out on their movements I need to put this one out there. YOU SIR, need to start each and every day with a bran muffin. Do you have the bird flu? In 26 years on this planet I have never heard, heard of, had or otherwise experienced as voilent a shit as you took in the Islanders bathroom. It sounded like you were pouring out a 5 gallon bucket of ice water from 10 feet avove the toilet. My ears have never heard so horrific a sound as your liquid fecal being fired downward between pockets of pressurized methane gas. I was only there to wash my hands before eating my lunch...but my appetite was foiled by your ass-disaster. Moaning and weezing in your stall while wave after wave of dysentery ran from your bowels. What had you consumed?! Raw chicken, 2 bowls of chilli, 1 bottle Ex-Lax and a gallon of milk? You single handedly ruined every molecule of oxygen in the room. 30 minutes later back at work it still seemed like someone had wiped a log of shit under my nose. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-12-11T23:17:55-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/117513973.html To the Guy in the Islanders Bathroom text I Am the Alfred Stieglitz of Cock Pics… http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/116720705.html I saw your ad on the W4M section of CL and decided to contact you. Naturally, I paid little attention to the details of the ad itself. Why? Because those details are unimportant to me: who you are, where you live, the kind of guy you’re looking for, while understandably important to you, are merely superfluous to me and my goals. No, what really mattered to me was the fact that you advertised yourself as female, providing me with the opportunity to shower you with some of my lovely cock pics. Which is what I did. You wrote back, claiming that if I ever did that again, you’d humiliate me publicly on this board, that you’d publicly post photos of what you described as my “small, deformed, diseased pistil.” Humiliate me? Impossible. Why? Because I’m an artist of the first-rate. In fact, I’m the Alfred Stieglitz of cock pics. Please, take another look at my work. Take a look at the first photo I emailed you, which I’ve entitled “Desperation and Post-Modernity.” Don’t you see how beautifully I’ve framed my member? Can’t you see how the light from my computer monitor catches the glans, bathing it with an intense pale blue that allows you to see both its smoothness and its rigidness? Outside of, say, a Monet painting, have you ever seen anything more lovely? Now note the second one I’ve sent you (working title: “After Kafka”). Note how deftly I’ve cropped the subject, about three quarters down my left testicle, suggesting both vulnerability and mystery. Note how, barely visible above the tip of my penis, you’re able to make out the cover of "Black Tail" magazine, suggesting a motif of anger and solemnity, of urbanity and relief, at once both tribal and civilized? Humiliate me? No, my dear, by posting my work, you honor me. Once you sense the power of my work, you’ll clearly understand how analogous it is to the power of my fucking. One mind-blowing three-minute session with me and you’ll understand why artists such as myself attract women: it’s a deep-seated sensitivity to the world that artists like myself are only able to communicate by taking photos of our cocks and anonymously emailing them to you. I’m here, my dear, cock bathed in light, awaiting your reply. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-12-08T12:29:06-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/116720705.html I Am the Alfred Stieglitz of Cock Pics… text What to do when your kid is crying in public http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/116412782.html Next time your kid starts wailing and screaming in public...here is a novel idea. Take the little demon seed away from those of us who are not there to revel in the howling. When you are at the book store and your kid starts screaming, take little Damien outside until he shuts up. Do not stay in the store with the kid wailing so he can continue to disturb other patrons. When you are in a restaurant and your precious little devil spawn starts bawling, take Baby Beelzebub outside. Do not wait. Do not stare into your plate and pretend like it is not happening. I am not paying for food with a side of eardrum ache nor is anyone else there. And if the food costs more than $20 an entree, consider whether or not young Asmodeus is really such an epicure that he needs a gourmet experience at 18 months...better yet, if you can afford the experience, you can afford to hire a babysitter. Kids under 5 simply do not belong at places like Morton's or Galileo. Better yet, there is likely a McDonald's up the street. Little Lucifer will probably be happier and the patrons at a finer establishment will not be contemplating just what exactly is and is not allowable under the justifiable homicide statute. At the movies, if the kid is crying, take it outside. And why are you bringing your toddler to the movies anyway? Since Teletubbies--the Movie is not currently playing, what is it that they are getting this experience? And why are you bringing them to the 10PM showing? Shouldn't they be home and in their cribs? And please don't inflict the passengers of the already miserable air travel industry with your screaming kids. Two or more hours in a sealed tube with non-stop screaming and/or seat kicking is enough for me to consider how I might kill myself and/or the little jackal with the small blunt items TSA still allows me to carry in-cabin. I am sure your little angel really needs to see Grandma or Mickey Mouse. I agree. And that is why Grandma should fly to you or you should drive to Mickey. And if you MUST fly, please, for the love of God, stay off the red-eye. Nothing like flying from LA to Washington on an overnight flight and getting no sleep because some 9 month old future B-move actress was practicing her slasher-pic screaming by howling...ALL...FRIGGIN...NIGHT. And with airlines removing pillows from flights in a "cost-saving" measure, there is not even the means to smother the little vermin. Also, for the sake of decency, stay out of first class. By definition, if your child is of an age where drooling on oneself is still a reasonable possibility, it probably does not need a 21" wide seat with 40" of legroom plopped amongst 15 business travelers who intended to work on the flight but, instead, are being soothed by your little demon's four hour aria of wailing. I could go on, but what would be the point. There will be a slew of posts from indignant parents who are going to say that their kid should be allowed anywhere at anytime and that kids cry and everyone else has to deal with it. But you know what? I did not sign off on you having a kid. I did not agree to share in the revels of the screaming and whining and other annoying behavior that your child is hellbent on inflicting on the public. You unilaterally chose to inflict your progeny on the world and, if you are like many parents, you refuse to control the little animal. All I ask is that you try and remember that some of the people around you are not all that enthused about the screaming, the crying, the running around and other things that come from being with small children. If we are in McDonald's, we are asking for it, I grant you. But in fine restaurants, nicer stores, libraries, airplanes, business environments and similar venues, think about how your mini Mephistopheles might be impacting the experience for other patrons. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-12-07T09:20:34-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/116412782.html What to do when your kid is crying in public text Giant Undies http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/116300382.html I just lost 120 LBs on Atkins and had to buy all new underwear. I hate to throw it all away so if anyone who is about 5'4'' and weighs 290 wants em let me know. I have about 100 pairs in rainbow colors. They are clean. Please serious inquiries only...no perverts. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-12-06T18:16:35-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/116300382.html Giant Undies text Topics on Rants and Rave I can't get enough of: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/115829515.html *Illegal immigration and Mexicans. Fascinating! Can't get enough. Really. The posts about the studies documenting Mexicans low IQs, the media articles about invasion, the same fucking photo of the Latino men grabbing their crotch, all of it is worth repeating, over and over, until I feel like drowning in pleasure. *How much you hate dating. Really?! Me! Fucking! Too! Wait a sec. Did you post the personal that you're comfortable in jeans and a black dress, that you're looking for someone funny, that they have to be successful but not obsessed with their career? Didja? Because I think I know who you are. *Indians stink/Asian women are inherently better/Jews have formed a dangerous cabal in the government/Muslims are terrorists/Black and Latinos are stupid and lazy/Whites are racist. Each single one of these posts, on these topics, has brought fresh insight into the human condition. Thank you. *I'm bored. Well expressed, descriptive, insightful. Can never understand why these posters are so bored. I mean, who wouldn't want to entertain them? *Flash Friday. The excitement of seeing the naked image of an adult woman on the Internet is titilating! I can't get enough! It's time for a break. I think I'm going to find something other to occupy my time when I procrastinate. I'm simply too, too happy here. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-12-04T23:26:11-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/115829515.html Topics on Rants and Rave I can't get enough of: text the the person I offended on the metro this morning http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/115291864.html Dear Sir or ma’am, I just wanted to take a moment out of my day to apologize for the misunderstanding that we had this morning. In case you have forgotten I’ll recap the situation. Me: Tall guy sitting in the seat near the door of the metro this morning, Orange line at roughly 7:15. I was zoning out listening to some music and basically trying to remain blissfully unaware of the rest of the world. I hate riding the metro. You: Got on around L’enfant Plaza carrying a …well it looked like a hefty sack to me but maybe it was something else. I’m not really up on current fashion… Our interaction began when you made it quite clear that you were going to sit down. Let me say that for the next few seconds my actions were ruled completely by my analytical mind set, and were in no way meant to convey and deeper meanings. Upon coming out of my coma like daze and realizing that you had every intention of backing into the seat next to me, my first response was to initiate what the military refers to as Operational Risk Management(ORM). Which went something like this: Step 1: Assess the situation • There are two seats. • Total estimated available space for occupation (4ft) • Subject A(me) 6’0, 200lbs, estimated spatial occupation (2’3) with possible reduction to (1’11) • Subject B(you) 5’5 265lbs, estimated spatial occupation (3’6) • Total spatial occupation :A+B= (5’5 – 5’9) • Final Calculation Available Space – Minimal spatial occupation = -1ft 5 inches Step 2: Predict potential outcome • I was going to be very uncomfortable for the rest of the ride • You would see that the physical limitations of the available space was insufficient for occupation and remain standing • Verbal confrontation These were the potential outcomes that I determined most likely. Let me just say that I don’t like strangers touching me. It was nothing against you so option 1 was not one I liked. Let me also say that while I truly enjoy almost any verbal confrontation I’ve ever gotten into, it was a little early and crowded. I like my mornings quite. Step 3: Determine possible solutions • Block the seat • Cowboy up and deal • Stand up Well blocking the seat would have been rude and I’m usually quite well mannered so option 1 was out. Broke back mountain has really killed this expression for me so I’ll probably never “cowboy up” ever again. And I, as I’ve said previously stated am not overly fond of prolonged contact with total strangers. This left stand up as the most promising option. Step 4 : Implement a Solution • Easy enough I stood up. Step 5 : Assess the outcome • You sat down and as my calculations had suggested the space that was left after you established occupation was insufficient without significant structural realignment to co-occupy that space. That occurred within about a 5 second time frame. I was now standing and you were sitting. I didn’t expect thanks or anything but what came next I found just a little inappropriate. You glared at me and none to subtly said “Yea Whatever”. Now I don’t expect gratitude but I don’t accept attitude. I was doing you a favor here. Apparently you took my moving as some sign that I didn’t want to sit next to you. You could have just accepted the gesture. You looked a little winded anyway and looked like you needed to have a seat for a sec, but no. So what was the result of this interaction? We locked eyes for a couple seconds then you spend the rest of the ride staring at my shoes and I was staring at you with a “Say something else” gaze. This went on for some 5 minutes before we reached my stop and I departed. But I just wanted to clarify my intentions and apologize. Judging by all the squirming and the way you took a scientific interest in the floor of that train I can only assume that your morning commute wasn’t as pleasant as it could have been. Probably my fault. Sorry… Yours truly, The guy leaning on the Pole ~C~ webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-12-02T13:22:23-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/115291864.html the the person I offended on the metro this morning text Please Fix My Broken Gaydar! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/114295482.html Dear Man at the Swimming Pool/Locker Room, Now listen up buster. Yes, I’m gay (surprise!, high-pitched giggle) and that means I’ve got Gaydar—good Gaydar. In fact, I’ve got the Raytheon of Gaydars. Show me satellite imagery, TV reruns, or a police line-up and I will pick out who is and who isn’t. I’m so damned good, I knew Mr. Brady was gay before he did, and that’s when I was 6 years old. I get on the subway and in 3 seconds I’ve identified every homo commuter trying to look glamorous and all the ones that are trying to hide it. I meet married men everyday who set my little gay-ger counter beeping away. And like some unoriginal plot, I find out I’m right every time. So, set me straight (figuratively). We run into each other at the pool fairly often, and have gotten to know one another like guys do when they hang out in a locker room. You enter wearing mod, all-black European business suits. Then you change into your super sheer, almost-not-there, lycra swimsuit that’s a cross between boxer briefs and just plain brief. You swim delicately and point your toes. You’re the only man not to close his shower curtain. You’re the only man not to cover up his dick in the steam room. In fact, you flaunt him by spreading your legs wide open. You take 10 minutes to rub yourself dry and spend an inordinate amount of time drying between your legs. You chat with me while I dress hurriedly, and despite my being happily partnered and secure, blah, blah, etc., I find myself fighting a glowing erection due to your yanking yourself in front of me. You never rush to get dressed, which means you have to jiggle your weenie back and forth from the water fountain to the sink to the scale to the shower and back to your locker. If that ain’t enough, you freakin’ work for the National Endowment for the Arts, which is gayer than the French Embassy in June. Pause. But you know what, even if I was to look beyond all that superficial stuff—the queer eye wardrobe, the pinup swimsuit, the exhibitionism, the voice (did I mention the voice?), your career, and the penis pulling (none of which is exclusively gay)—and just closed my eye and trusted my Jedi Gaydar . . . well, you still come up G-A-Y as in Queen, Fruit, Fag, Poof, and so on. Yes, Gaydar always sniffs out a queen and lets me know about it. So, imagine my surprise when you nonchalantly informed me—in a cloud of steam and whilst lying down on your back buck naked—that you and your girlfriend did such and such this weekend. And I’m thinking like Will & Grace girlfriend, but NO, you keep on telling me all about her and how you’re together and how she’s so sweet. In retaliation for your blatant lie, I talk openly to you about my partner and how he’s great. And then, like a scared little girl you jump up, hiding weewee between legs, and go tearing out of the steam room, far away from the faggot. Then you give me the silent treatment (?) like we’re best friends in junior high, and then a few months later you’re telling me how you’re engaged and all planning your wedding. So I give up—you win. You’re straight. It’s my gaydar that’s broken, not yours. Just please let me fix it and get on with my life. You screwed it all up and made it malfunction wildly, but gaydar’s really important—it’s a gay guy’s best friend (even better than introspective, masochistic, overweight females). So if you’re straight, just start acting like it. I need to get back on track, and as long as you’re prancing your straight self in front of me, it ain’t gonna happen. Fag. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-11-28T16:39:28-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/114295482.html Please Fix My Broken Gaydar! text Our eyes met during last night's orgy, but I didn't catch your name - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/113057861.html I wanted to talk to you, but you are so much more attractive than most of the middle-aged has-beens in last night's pile that I couldn't get a moment alone, or even as part of a threesome or foursome with you. There was a brief moment, while you were reverse cowgirling that old guy and jerking off two midgets while orally satisfying the butch chick in the leather chaps, when our eyes met, and it was magic. First, I want to be clear that I wasn't calling you a filthy whore, it was the woman I was doggy-styling, and that was only after her repeated insistence that I talk dirty to her. I promise I would treat you more respectfully than that. I also want to make clear that I don't normally go down on other guys, but since you were taken and she was the only other attractive woman there, and part of the package was that her husband had to get in on the action, well, desperate times call for desperate acts... Anyway, the point is, I think I love you. I know, we've not met, and I don't think any of my semen actually ended up in you, though we can't be sure of that, now can we, but probably not, so that makes us complete strangers. But there was that moment, that electric moment, before you started to gyrate wildly and cry out in some foreign language (was that French? I love French), and before I had to take on that unsavory but necessary oral task that I'd just as soon forget, except for this persistent heartburn I've got today, when we connected, and it was as if I could see into your soul, and you into mine. So can't we give it a try? All I'm asking for is a cup of coffee. And perhaps a threesome, if your roommate is hot, or if we meet a sexy stranger on the street. But let's just start by getting to know each other, okay? Look, in this crazy, mixed up world we call earth, if you can't take a chance when you connect with someone even though you haven't yet fucked them, then when can you take a chance? Write back, my love. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-11-22T12:50:53-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/113057861.html Our eyes met during last night's orgy, but I didn't catch your name - m4w text Clown Gang Bang http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/111882545.html We are a group of circus clowns looking for a female to share. We have done this many times before, but lately it seems that all the women on this site want a "sugar daddy" or be paid to fulfill their fantasies. If you are a young college student looking to have a wild experience but are tired of the drunken frat boys and soldiers.....we can help you!!!!! If you are a MILF and tired of the boring day to day of you husband and his brother.....we can help you!!!!!! If you are a closet slut just dying to get hammered hard and used.....WE CAN HELP YOU!!!!!!! We are a safe and sane group of current and former circus clowns that are experienced in group settings and in the art of pleasuring women and making their dreams come true. Some of us are of "normal height and weight" and some of us are midgets and really fat or really tall. We are also very skilled at baloon tricks and getting in and out of very small cars. A few of our successful experiences: 1. A group of 6 of us gang banged a goat over and over til she was glowing. 2. We had a female be our "entertainment" at a Superbowl party where she served drinks in the nude and serviced the guys as they needed it. She liked it a lot and brought two girlfriends from GMU over with her for a poker night. Both parties were great because we didn't have a TV at the Superbowl party and none of us knows how to play poker. 3. One girl wanted a group of 7 one at a time. She had a room with a tiny closet and all of the guys were able to fit in at the same time with her and nobody got their make-up distorted. Some of us went back for a second round. She ended by having us all cum into a giant cup all night and she drank the cup at the end. She had so much fun and liked the cum so much, she came back for a larger group (no sex, but a giant bukkake circle) to get drenched in cum and clown make-up. 4. One woman wanted one guy every 3 days. After 3 days she switched to the next guy. She did not know who she was going to get, just an envelope with a name and a number so she could move on. She went through all 12 of us. What is your fantasy ladies? What can we do for you? Bonk, Bonk. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-11-17T10:15:34-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/111882545.html Clown Gang Bang text You won't miss me... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/109445465.html Call me lame, tell me you're glad I'm gone, that no one wanted me here anyway... That's okay by me. To be honest, I'm not one of those regular posters, and I'm relatively subtle in my discussion when I do post in case one of my coworkers or friends were to read this and say "hey, that looks like her!". But I came to the decision this weekend that I was leaving CL for good. And I'm doing so for the following reasons: 1/ You are ruining my self-esteem. All this talk about who takes showers and who's hair is pretty and who's fat and who's skinny and who looks good in what and what's too ugly... I'd always thought I had relatively decent self-esteem. I thought I looked good, weighed right, stayed in shape... I'm a solid 5'8", 125 1bs, with 34DD, 26" waist and 36" hips. Hourglass, shapely, definitely not fat. (by my standards). But by CL standards? I'm only good for porn and insults. 2/ You are ruining my career. I get obsessed with a certain conversation and I spend my day clicking on this link, going to that city, replying to this post... all at the cost of my job. I don't like my job, I admit. I also admit I'm bored at work a good 85% of the day. But before I became addicted, I would waste time on websites like cnn.com or even theonion.com, which at least is Clever. Now... I waste my day here and don't learn a thing in the process. 3/ You are ruining my sense of self. I thought I was a happy, decent person. I thought I knew what I wanted. But there's no way the whole world can be this unhappy and me be happy. I must be wrong. I must be unhappy with everyone else! Can someone please direct me to drugs? Either legal or otherwise? (Wait, I meant "need 420 hookup" so only other fellow drug users will know what I'm talking about...) 4/ You are ruining my political, religious, moral viewpoints. For every viewpoint I hold, some totally ignorant fool will post something that not only makes me ashamed to agree with him, but desperate to disagree. And that confuses me... how do I disagree with something simply to not align myself with ignorant radicals? and yet, the opposing side is filled with ignorant radical extremists... who do I claim to be? Who do I defend? And how can I be honest with my beliefs and positions and still be respected by the CL community? Am I a rich, snotty republican or a dirty, immoral democrat, am I pro-life (and therefore must have adopted AND be a misogynistic pig) or a mass murderer that believes in genocide as well. Am I white or black? I've been called so many things through this anonymous network, that I don't know anymore! I can't even tell if I'm racist or not! I can post the most irrefutable, researchable, and obvious theory, and yet I will recieve 30 emails ranging from "you're a dumb fuck" to "that's wrong, read this" to "YOU MISSED A FREAKING PERIOD! WHY SHOULD I BELIEVE YOU!" 5/ Speaking of which, you are making me question my education. I was valedictorian of my HS class. I obtained a BA in English from UVA, a Masters in Management... and now, I feel the need to reread, rewrite, spell-check every little post I make at the risk of using a misplaced modifier or ending a sentence with a preposition and being labeled an uneducated, illiterate fool. 6/ And last, but not least, You are ruining my relationship. Until the moment I became addicted to CL I was happily married, in a wonderful relationship with a man that loves me dearly and I believed would never be unfaithful. Now, I've become a paranoid, psychotic bitch. Our dinnertime conversation each night goes something like this: "Honey, on CL today a man posted that he loved his wife but she didn't give him enough head so he was forced to cheat on her... do I give you enough head? ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME????" To which my dear husband responds "Darling, on CL today a woman posted that while her husband was at work she fucked the mailman... was that you?" To which I respond "My dearest, statistically (according to CL) ALL MEN CHEAT ON THEIR WIVES. Just tell me the truth!" To which he responds "Love of my life, all women are whores looking for a gangbang... CL proves it!" As a result of these conversations, our sex life is ruined because I can't run the risk of catching a disease because he's cheating (obviously) on me... and he's combing CE to ensure that there's not a posting on there that says "Sexy married woman, 36-26-34DD, seeking random hookups while husbands works late in order to make up for the lack of love and excitement in current relationship". And the moment he gets off the computer, I go (first to Bearshare to delete the porn he's downloaded) and then to CL to scan the M4M to ensure there's no : "STR8 married man looking for blowjob from well-hung male on lunch break. Please be discrete. Email pics." So... in the interest of maintaining my marriage, my career, my self-esteem, my moral values, and (not the least of all) my sanity, I'm leaving CL once and for all. But first, let me make sure my husband isn't posting in Casual Encounters... one last time... that cheating bastard! (I love you, J-baby!) webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-11-07T11:20:03-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/109445465.html You won't miss me... text Small Penis http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/108540455.html You cannot trick me, Small Penis, into thinking you are large- by pounding away like a jackhammer. In fact, when you do this- I almost totally forget about you. I am more involved with the incessant slapping sounds of skin and flapping balls and trying to tune them out. You cannot shove and piledrive your way into my heart- bratty bullying will only make me notice you less. Small Penis, rough fingers have tried and failed to supplement your smaller size by jamming, manhandling, and stretching my sensitive pussy in ways that make it want to barricade the door and lock down the shades. It is true, Smally, that when I first saw you I did not get that certain rush of glee and pupil dilation that a giant cock will cause. I have small breasts- when I take off my shirt (I don't even need a bra) I am sure I am not providing a moment that would be filmed in glorious slow motion with a soundtrack. Small Penis, small tits are subtle. YOu can be too. You will never fill me in that "good lord YES" amusement part ride way- but, remember- that is one slice of the spectrum. If you wanted to, you could deploy in a proud and erotic way and get me off REAL GOOD multiple times. You could operate with finesse instead of screaming to be noticed. If you could just calm down and stop the monotonous pounding, you might notice that I can ride you, squeeze you, and stroke you with my pussy. Everytime I get on top and try I soon find hands around my waste frantically lifting me up and down and all I am thinking is oh here we go again...what's that crockpot recipe?? Small Penis, it's time for you to stop pretending to be what you are not. I cannot overemphasize this- if you have ever seen wildlife documentaries with baboons mating- this has begun to come to mind. The bored female with a faraway look (me) with the male gyrating away somewhere back there (him.) Think of yourself as an artist's tool- part of a set with your fingers and tongue (which also seems to be trying to compensate, btw- do you think I am lovng it when you jam your tongue in and out of my vadge? This move can be good at the right moment, but constantly?) A tool of precision is the most you can be. YOu will never be a big cock. Ever. And I am cool with that. But I am so so so frustrated. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-11-03T06:29:16-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/108540455.html Small Penis text To my new “Friends” http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/108140740.html I usually do not travel very deep into Virginia. This past weekend was the exception. I was answering the distress call of a friend who needed another set of hands to move into his new house. Saturday was a beautiful day for heavy lifting and a couple of bottles of suds for two guys who just finished a pretty substantial move. We proceed to the local watering hole to regale the guys about how much we moved and try to get a little sleazy with some local women. About 4 beers and two shots into it the two young ladies that I am speaking to want to head to their house for some more partying. I proceed with wit on my tongue and fire in my pants. In the back parking lot I realized that I had left the bar without draining the snake. Being the classy guy that I am I decided to retreat to the dumpster behind the bar to take care of this and get back to my Budweiser maidens. I tend to pee freely. With a song in my heart and my dick in my hand I proceed to power wash the dumpster. With torrent still in mid flow I felt a masculine hand on my shoulder. Thinking it was my friend from the bar I grabbed said hand and gave it a playful “stop fucking with me I am pissing” yank. Officer if I knew it was you I swear I would not have given you that yank. I am sure if I had the time to explain that would have prevented your nightstick from wrapping around my neck in a Kung Fu style choke hold. We danced. I enjoyed it. I would have preferred your knee staying out of my back but one can not always get what they hope for. I felt we shared a moment on the way to the Loudon County jail. You assured me that this was only an in and out visit. I believed you. Possibly from the lack of oxygen or maybe magic was in the air. Your car smelled of cinnamon. I enjoyed the “special treatment” you gave me when we arrived at the jail. You were right the cell was not crowded and I did have a place to sleep. Me, all nestled under a metal bench by the community toilet with my back to the bars. I agree, 25 other inmates to three cells is cozy. It felt like home and smelt like justice. Oh and if you were wondering, they welcomed me with open arms in the morning. With “who the fuck is this pretty white bitch” on their breath and one hand on my shitty jail breakfast they invited me to join their community meeting. I have not been to heaven. But I must say the song sung by these men must be a tune of the angels. Some of the highlights: “I am a Katrina victim bitch, now gimme your sausage”. “Motha Fucka you eat too much why you gotta shit?” and one of my favorites “I punched that cop because he deserved it” I have to say it was the timeliness of this establishment that impressed me the most. The twelve hours that it took me to get my official charges and paperwork really let me get to know my new friends. I have no idea how one could type the words “disorderly conduct” onto a piece of paper in that short amount of time! You know 24 hours later my new friends were very sad to see me go. That is why they wanted a keepsake to remember me by. They felt that I should “pony up with the flip flops bitch!” but then I would have nothing to frame or give my grandkids. We parted in our own special way. You wouldn’t understand. It broke my heart to have to donkey punch my footwear fetish having friend. It was clear from the tears in his eyes that I will be remembered. I too shall remember my wonderful day at your fine establishment. Every time I am in a small room with 25 violent men who do not shower because of fear of assault I will think of you. When I see Washington women walking along flipity flop I will smile. If I see sausage I will think of that poor unfortunate Katrina victim who had stars in his eyes for mine. I know that when I drive with my windows down and the breeze running through my hair if I listen very carefully… it will whisper. “why you gotta shittttttttt?” webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-11-01T14:42:01-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/108140740.html To my new “Friends” text Real Men of Genius http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/107107712.html The Washington Metro Presents: Real Men of Genius (Real Men of Genius) Today we salute you, Mr. Arm Shoved Through Metro Door Commuter. (Mr. Arm Shoved Through Metro Door Commuter) Without your unwavering commitment to board a train that comes every four minutes, fellow commuters would have to arrive at their jobs on time. (no one hopes you make it) Armed with nothing more than an Express, you squirm furiously, undeterred by the total loss of circulation in your right arm. (your fingers are turning red) Please stand clear of the doors? I think not. While others may heed these warnings, you dare to push the envelope, and all others within five feet of the doorway. (no one else matters) So crack open an ice cold beer, oh gatekeeper of the Green Line, because Metro may Open Doors but you keep 'em that way. (Mr. Arm Shoved Through Metro Door Commuter) by Sneaky webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-10-27T18:15:28-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/107107712.html Real Men of Genius text looking for a surrogate husband http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/105951414.html I miss my husband. I really do. He's traveling and I'm home all alone and this rain sucks and I want company. So, I'd like to propose the following: I'm looking for a surrogate husband, just for today. I will cook a great meal for you and greet you at the door wearing nothing but lingerie. You must agree to: -- come home by 7 but not actually show up until 8:00. Please don't apologize for being late and don't call to let me know you are late. -- walk in the door without actually greeting me. -- The first words out of your mouth, after you get out of the bathroom, should be: "What's for dinner?" -- Take your plate from the table and walk into the living room and sit down in front of the TV, leaving me alone. -- Put your feet up on the coffee table, chew with your mouth open and ask me to grab you a beer. -- Not compliment me on the fact that the house is clean or that the food that took me several hours to cook is any good. -- ignore me for the rest of the night and watch baseball instead. -- tell me to stop when I try to cuddle up to you on the couch and ask me to get you a beer instead. -- come to bed without having showered after being out all day. -- fart in bed and then fluff the covers. -- wake me up to ask me for a blow job. Please, please, please help a sista out! I miss the asshole. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-10-22T17:36:19-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/105951414.html looking for a surrogate husband text