Originally Posted: 2005-08-09 10:19am
Piss and Porn
Like an idiot, I didn't piss before I left the office yesterday. It wasn't like I was about to explode, but I did sense a bladder that had about a thirty minute limit. Ordinarily, that would be no problem, as it only takes about twenty minutes for me to get from my office to my home. But yesterday was slow at the office, so I spent the better part of the afternoon surfing about 14 different cities' casual encounters pages to try and find pictures of hot naked chicks. Surprisingly, this quest was fairly fruitful, and I ended up giving myself a throbbing erection for most of the afternoon. So, back to the bladder situation. I skip the bathroom visit on my way out of the office and head straight for the car. I hop on Lee Highway headed back into the city, but those naked chicks just won't leave my mind. So, I decide to head to the porn store. Now if all goes well, I should be able to pull up right in front of the Capitol Video on P Street, run up to the third floor of the establishment (first floor is non-porn, second floor is gay porn, third floor straight porn), select a movie, pay, get back in my car, and drive a couple blocks to my house, all in about ten minutes. Those ten minutes, coupled with the twenty minute drive from my office to my house, equals the amount of time I have before my bladder pops. So, I pull up in front of the store, but alas, it is a no parking zone from 4-6:30, but this is not a crisis as I found a spot around the corner. 22 minutes. I say hello to the clerk, and sprint up to the third floor of the building and immediately start my search. Now if you haven't been to Capitol Video on P Street, let me tell you, they've got it all. Two guys one girl, dominatrix, fisting lesbians, vintage John Holmes flicks, black girls white guys, white girls black guys, latina, I mean, seriously, they've got it all. So I know what I want. One of the Craigslist posts I read was from some chick who could squirt, so, I want a squirting video. I'm searching. I've seen them in there before, but where are they now?? Transexuals pounding little latin hotties...no. Hung black dudes doing unspeakable things to the assholes of little 18 year old white chicks.....no. DAMMIT. Bladder is approaching its limit. 26 minutes. Horny housewives...no. FUCK. So, I decide that it's time to give up on the squirting video, and just find a something that doesn't look like it will actually turn me OFF, and get the fuck out of there. I grab what looks like a normal enough, two chicks one guy video. Sprint down the stairs, pay the shady clerk, walk briskly to my car, with the bright blue "I JUST RENTED PORN" bag under my arm. 28 minutes. Haul ass across the Q Street bridge, but get stuck behind the fucking D2. SHIT. Cut down 27th to P, tear through those annoying stop signs, back up to Q, cross Wisconsin. I'm home. 32 minutes. I'm sweating, I've got to pee so bad. In the house, hello to the dog, relieve my aching bladder. Got the entire house to myself, empty bladder, pour myself a drink, head up stairs with the blue bag. VICTORY. Pop in the video. Now at this point, there's a moment of truth, and all you porn fans out there no exactly what I'm talking about. It's the "is this video going to make me want to Old Faithful all over myself, or is it going to make me wish I'd skipped the porn altogether" moment. Several factors will clue you in to which it's going to be. Music, set, starlets. Those are the big three. Minimal music: good. Set: an outdoor location, a pool, a cascading waterfall. Excellent. Starlets, actually attractive, no fake boobs, no visible herpes outbreaks, shaved pussies. I think I've got a fucking winner here! Here comes the guy, with a cock that's only purpose in life is to fuck chicks and make me feel inadequate. The two chicks start blowing him, and at this point, it hits me like a ton of bricks. From the moans of the chicks and dude, I can already tell that something is the matter. What is it about this porn that's off???? I can't place it, until the stars converse: "zhu vant to zock my bullz, zhu whore?" "OOh, I vant zeem zo bodly.." FUCK. EASTERN EUROPEAN PORN STARS!!!!!! Porn like this should come with a warning label, or require you to show a passport when renting it. I feel like a tourist in my own bedroom. Mute it, you say. NO, I need the moans, it really helps me sink into the full pornacopia experience. There's just something about listening to some Ukranian guy talk dirty to some filthy slut from Latvia that creeped me out. It was awful. I'm allowed to keep the porn through tomorrow, but I think I may return it tonight. That'd be a first.
So, I guess the next time I'm leaving the office after viewing a bunch of casual encounter posts, and my bladder is in the slightest way in need of some attention, I know now to head straight to the bathroom. Otherwise, I'm likely to get stuck picking some shitty eastern european porn in haste, instead of taking my leisurely time strolling the aisles of the third floor of Capitol Video.