Originally Posted: 2005-06-17 11:42am

Welcome my little interns

OK intern, listen up. You’re new meat in town and probably already headed down the road toward becoming the next DC pass around, fuck-n-chuck who will head back to Idaho in a few short weeks minus the suitcase full of dreams but with a fresh new case of herpes. But it doesn’t have to be that way. In DC, there are very few people worth sleeping with. This guide, hopefully, will help you channel your libido in a productive way so you can make the most of your time here. And remember, there’s nothing wrong with not joining the slut parade. So take some notes about the following people you’re likely to meet.

Senators. The main chance. Your main objective. These guys are just little boys. They want to feel special and attractive (I know, scary). Don’t do anything slutty with them. No quick BJs, even if you get the chance which you won’t. But do make it known you are available to them whenever you meet one. Give him your cell phone and card. Suggest that you’d love to find out what makes politics tick from him. Suggest you’ll cook him some dinner, sometime, some home cookin? Remember your first boyfriend when you shared confidences and had tons of sex. That’s the experience these guys want. It will last a few months, then you are expected to graciously bow out of the picture. You can ease this process by suggesting that your feelings for him are getting too strong and you know that’s wrong and, if that isn’t clicking, that you want kids and need to start looking for something permanent. He knows his part and he’ll take the cue and back off with the reminder that he wants to stay friends. Cha-ching! You may have to bang him once or twice down the road for old time’s sake if you get caught at a conference with him or something, but basically you’ll be past it. Remember, while you’re together no one must know. You will be strictly out of town or an indoor girlfriend. He’ll never take you out on the town in DC. But you should gently gather some mildly incriminating evidence. Pictures taken on a weekend away or at his place or better yet at your place are perfect. You will never use them, but they will remain in his memory. Later in life, you will never have to worry about his loyalty. Lots of people have senators on their resumes. But you will be the person who can get a senator to pick up the phone and make a call for you, and that is as powerful as it gets. Whether you’re angling for a partnership, a new job, a favor for a client, whatever. You won’t be able to use it all the time, but once a year or so you’ll be able to call on him and it will be money in the bank.

Congressmen. Think of the House as being the condom that DC wears while it assfucks the nation. Necessary, useful, and important because it serves as a barrier between the powerful and the actual people, but ultimately disposable and not something people want around. Remember this when you decide to score with a congressman. They are looking for the same things as senators, but there’s a lot more downside. First off, their wives generally hate them as opposed to Senate wives who are indifferent. So if they can, they will try to catch you. They will use you against their husband or possibly even divorce him. Danger Will Robinson. Now you’re BF is headed back to run his dad’s probate practice in east bumfuck. They don’t have as much money. And they don’t have as much clout. Everyone in America will immediately take a call from a senator. Most people laugh when a rep calls. And ex-reps? They don’t even rate a call back except as a courtesy. True, their floor pass will always make them useful within DC, but they have a very limited reach. Still, useful to have in your corner for job applications, etc. and I wouldn’t pass one up if he took an interest.

Lobbyists. Bagging a partner at one of the big firms is well worth the effort. But beware. These guys wives are ready. How do you think they got their husbands in the first place? Ultimately, they have the freedom and the cash to give you a good time. And they have the connections to keep you employed. But that’s about it. If you want to be in communications or deputy counsel at a second tier Fortune 1000 company, these guys can probably make that happen. But if you want real power, they’re probably not going to be able to deliver and you’ll have to get it on your own. Of course, you may luck into marrying one of these guys, which is a terrific move. They are loaded and have very short lifespans given the way they live. So if the opportunity presents itself, I say go for it. But no prenups, you’re not a charity.

That’s it, really, for your typical straight girl. Cabinet secretaries or their number twos may be worth a go, but generally Washington is pretty much a wasteland otherwise. So much of the power is concentrated at the top that everyone else is basically a eunich and the guys at the top generally don’t pull strings for someone else’s pussy. In fact, the guys at the top generally hate everyone else. So proximity to power is in no way power itself.

Staffers and other lower level bureaucrats? Pass, pass, pass. Maybe they’re good for a free lunch and definitely pick their brains for advice, but remember the one’s that talk the most know the least. And make it clear to everyone that you are not sleeping with them. I can’t stress this enough. You’re young and impressionable and these are probably the first men you’ve met who wear suits and smell good. But pass. They are slugs in suits. They are going nowhere. And, more importantly, once word gets out that you’re putting out for one of them you will ruin your chances with one of the big three since it shows such poor judgment to be shacking up with these losers. They will undoubtedly promise you lots of things about how they can help you, etc., etc. But trust me, most of them couldn’t even fix a parking ticket in this town. Look elsewhere.
WARNING: This will probably be deleted by the scumbags who like to pray on interns so save it and foward it to your friends fast.

Be even more suspicious of the women staff level types you meet. Most will gladly pimp you around to their male friends for two reasons. One, it makes them feel like they have power over these guys. Two, it makes them happy to steer you into the swamp and watch as you drown. They take pleasure in your failure because they think it means they’re stronger because they can make it in this town and you can’t. They see all women as competition, especially little interns who might surpass them. They will befriend you, but by all means keep them at arms length particularly when they tell you that, “so-and-so thinks you’re cute.”

A note to the gay guys. I’m drawing from what I’ve been told here, but it’s pretty accurate. If you want to climb the gay ladder go Republican. They are well-networked. You will find bisexual congressmen and senators make very good friends to have. But discretion is an absolute must. On the Democrat side, the pickings are slimmer and a lot of them have a very in-your-face attitude about paying for their sexual gratification. It’s a shame thing with some of these proud Marys. So stay with the Red Staters and you’ll go far.

For the lesbians: There is no better connected or more supportive network that the lesbian underground. Few members of Congress swing to the sappho side, though there are some. But the lesbian staffers and lobbyists you meet around town definitely look out for one another with an unmatched zeal. It’s as if they view it as their prime duty to see to it that they get as many lesbians as possible in as many high places as possible. So if you swing this way, you will find it well worth your time to hook up with a steel magnolia. Two notes. One: bisexuality is frowned upon. Lipstick lesbians are embraced, but leave the men alone or you will be kicked to the curb before you know what hit you. And their grapevine moves faster than anyone’s. Two: Don’t ever play the exploitation card. The dykes in this town will do everything they humanly can to move you up the ladder. But if they say they can’t help, they can’t help. And there are many areas where they simply have no clout. Lots of doors are still closed to them. If you try to blackmail them with the suggestion that they took advantage of you that night after six glasses of chianti and a backrub, you will quickly find that you just pissed on the third rail. While lots of the older dykes do, in fact, pursue innocent young ones they do not under any circumstances want to be portrayed as taking advantage of a young innocent. If you try to pull that move, you will lose. But other than that, if you have a taste for fish, indulge.

For straight guys? What can I say. Sorry, but no one who’s anyone wants to sleep with you in this town. If you can score a little sex while doing your internship, good on you. Realistically you’ve got to wait until you have some power in this town before you’re going to be able to get your dick wet. But there are some nice museums to check out.

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