Welcome to our Nation's Capitol. We're glad you're here. Here are a few simple Metro tips to make your trip more pleasant:
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1. Don't take Metro during rush hour. We poor working stiffs aren't footloose and fancy free, giggling and wearing vacation perma-grin like you. Our mood may spoil yours.
2. On the escalators: walk on the left, stand on the right. Don't stand on the left side of the escalators and let your 6-year-old children stare at me as I say "'scuse me!" to walk up/down the escalators on the left. One time, I was walking up the escalators on the left, and everyone was standing on the right (during rush hour), except this big old black lady. One like you'd see waving her raised hands, singing in a church choir. I said, "'scuse me," and she slowly turned around and said, "I'm not gonna scuse you - you can wait!" And I said, as I walked up the stairs beside her, "No ma'am, I'll just pass you on the right." She yelled something mean but I was long gone.
3. Donít stand still when you step off the escalator. Be sensitive that there are many, many people in one small area, and many of them are right behind you, coming down the escalator. Today, someone stood still as they stepped off the escalator, and it looked like business suits playing dominos.
4. Donít stand still in the middle of a crowded walkway. I understand you donít know where youíre going, but stand out of the way to look for signs, landmarks, or if your white sneaker shoelace is untied.
5. Donít eat on the Metro. I will strut right into the next car, intercom the driver, and report you faster than you can say ďCheeto.Ē
6. Donít stand in the doorways just inside the train. I will say ďíscuse meĒ as I step on your white sneakers.
7. Do share your seat. If there are two empty seats side-by-side, take the one on the inside. If you donít, Iíll say, ďíscuse me,Ē and step on your feet as I take the inside seat. Same goes for putting your stuff on a seat. I will sit on it as I say ďíscuse me.Ē
8. Do wear something besides a T shirt, jean shorts, white sneakers, fanny pack, and clip on sunglasses. And, old ladies: you donít need that much hairspray.
9. Donít complain about how much you have to walk. If you walked more like we city folk have to do, you wouldnít be so fat.
10. Do be quiet. Commuters hate to hear your children screaming, ďIs it the next stop, MOMMY?!????Ē or ďIím THIRSTY!Ē or ďI donít WANNA SIT DOWN!!!Ē Control your bratty rugrats.
11. Donít pool in the center of the train platform. There are lots more cars than just the middle car. Use them.
12. When you hear a chime, the doors are closing. If youíre in the way, they will close on you. You will scream, squirm like a rat in a trap, and I will snicker.
Enjoy your ride!