DC Tourists: Metro Do’s and Don’ts
1. Don't take Metro during rush hour. We poor working stiffs aren't footloose and fancy free, giggling and wearing vacation perma-grin like you. Our mood may spoil yours.
2. On the escalators: walk on the left, stand on the right. Don't stand on the left side of the escalators and let your 6-year-old children stare at me as I say "'scuse me!" to walk up/down the escalators on the left. One time, I was walking up the escalators on the left, and everyone was standing on the right (during rush hour), except this big old black lady. One like you'd see waving her raised hands, singing in a church choir. I said, "'scuse me," and she slowly turned around and said, "I'm not gonna scuse you - you can wait!" And I said, as I walked up the stairs beside her, "No ma'am, I'll just pass you on the right." She yelled something mean but I was long gone.
3. Don’t stand still when you step off the escalator. Be sensitive that there are many, many people in one small area, and many of them are right behind you, coming down the escalator. Today, someone stood still as they stepped off the escalator, and it looked like business suits playing dominos.
4. Don’t stand still in the middle of a crowded walkway. I understand you don’t know where you’re going, but stand out of the way to look for signs, landmarks, or if your white sneaker shoelace is untied.
5. Don’t eat on the Metro. I will strut right into the next car, intercom the driver, and report you faster than you can say “Cheeto.”
6. Don’t stand in the doorways just inside the train. I will say “’scuse me” as I step on your white sneakers.
7. Do share your seat. If there are two empty seats side-by-side, take the one on the inside. If you don’t, I’ll say, “’scuse me,” and step on your feet as I take the inside seat. Same goes for putting your stuff on a seat. I will sit on it as I say “’scuse me.”
8. Do wear something besides a T shirt, jean shorts, white sneakers, fanny pack, and clip on sunglasses. And, old ladies: you don’t need that much hairspray.
9. Don’t complain about how much you have to walk. If you walked more like we city folk have to do, you wouldn’t be so fat.
10. Do be quiet. Commuters hate to hear your children screaming, “Is it the next stop, MOMMY?!????” or “I’m THIRSTY!” or “I don’t WANNA SIT DOWN!!!” Control your bratty rugrats.
11. Don’t pool in the center of the train platform. There are lots more cars than just the middle car. Use them.
12. When you hear a chime, the doors are closing. If you’re in the way, they will close on you. You will scream, squirm like a rat in a trap, and I will snicker.
Enjoy your ride!