Originally Posted: 2005-05-12 10:01pm
Me: picking up pizza; You: peeing on my car.
It was about 9:45pm, 15 minutes before Papa John's stops doing carry-out. The parking lot was deserted, but there were still a few restaurants and a grocery store open along that same strip. As I parked and went up to pick up my pizza, a couple of delivery drivers get back to do their thing.
I go inside and it's the usual crew (Am I eating pizza too often if I recognize the people working there?). I tell them what I ordered and the guy runs my credit card and hands me my pizza. Total time inside: approximately 4 minutes. I go outside and head toward my car and notice a large SUV parked next to me. That's odd... Of all the places to park in this empty lot, these people chose right next to my car? Oh well. People are dumb. Then I notice that the driver's side door is open. They're parked facing the opposite direction as me, so their driver's side is adjacent to mine. The passenger tells the driver to hurry up. Hurry up? Oh, yeah... there's the driver. Behind the open door. I didn't notice her before.
La la la... Go around to the passenger side to put the pizza on the passenger seat and walk around the car. At this point, the other car's passenger is getting a bit of urgency in her voice telling the driver to hurry up. "That lady wants to get into her car." I figure if they're not going to be considerate enough to close their door so I can get to my car, I can at least go around and get in. Oh, but no...
There was a point before I had gotten around the front of my car when I still couldn't see the driver. It didn't even occur to me to consider what this person was doing. Was she vandalizing my car? Was she getting her wallet in order to pick up her own pizza? Was she using my car as a shield so she could pee on the asphalt?
I'd like to say that I had thought to look at her license plate or get a description of her, but unfortunately I have nothing solid to pass on to you, dear readers. I have nothing else to make fun of. What I did see, I find more traumatizing than humorous. I walked around my car just in time to see this woman pull up her gigantic floral-print elastic pants over her pasty, cellulite-ridden derriere. I have no idea what she looks like, even how tall she is or what color hair she had. But I do have this image ingrained in my memory now. That is why I share this with you today.
Now, for the analysis. Why? Why? Why?
Driving along... and you feel an urgent need to urinate. What do you do?
Option 1: Pull over and find a bathroom. There are many public places still open. Try a grocery store, a restaurant, a fast-food joint, or a convenience store. All of which were available within that same stretch of parking lot.
No, can't do that. It would take too much time.
Ok, Option 2: Park far away from the one other car in the parking lot and pull up next to one of the many trees or bushes that line the empty parking lot and use those as a shield.
No. Animals pee on bushes. And they don't provide enough cover. Someone driving by might see me through the bushes. I can't do that.
Option 3: Park next to the one car in the lot, right in front of a carry-out/delivery pizza place, and hope no one will see you while you take 10 minutes to get out, make sure you are sufficiently hidden, and pee.
Yeah, yeah. That's a good idea.
Lady, you're worse than an animal. At least they urinate somewhere where their urine can be absorbed into the ground. At least that becomes fertilizer to continue nature's cycle.
I hope you peed on yourself and your car when you were trying to hurry away from me. Truly sorry I missed that connection.