I am finally worth $516.45
-The cable company
-The phone company
-The kind people who own my building and allow me to wedge my bed into the living room/dining room/den/bedroom/alcove/salon/parlor
-The wonderful cab drivers of our fair city
-The guy who calls me a "white faggot" if I don't give him at least a quarter
-The internet company, without whose help I would not be able to post this
-Philadelphia Cheesesteak Company on M Street
-My good samaritan employers, who allow me not only to produce more than any three other co-workers combined, but allow me to feel like I'm contributing to the greater good by "volunteering" every time I receive a paycheck
-"Happy Endings" massage parlor in Chinatown. Thank you, ladies, for my relaxation therapy.
-Visa, who insists on paying for everything. One of these days, guys, you need to let ME pay for something. It's starting to get embarrassing.
-All the various insurance companies having a stake in the decisions I make. Big props to you folks, who care enough to make me fear taking more than six steps out of my apartment.
-The various nightlife establishments to which I am indebted for allowing me to forget, if only for a few short hours, how much I am paying for a longneck bottle of domestic beer.
-The movie theater industry. (Side note: I really appreciate those fifteen minutes of commercials you play before each screening now, just in case I forgot about Coca Cola and Ford products.)
To all of you, and to the countless others I may not have mentioned, I say thank you. My bank balance could not have achieved such a great distance from the decimal without you. In a few short years, hopefully it will be graced with a comma.