Originally Posted: 2005-04-10 3:16pm
RANT: Hot girl etiquette
So, about a couple of months ago I started dating a hot girl. We were friends for about a year and then we decided to go for it and start dating. She is a professional modern dancer who teaches ballroom on the side. She is very beautiful, has an ass that won’t quit, actually likes watching horror movies and Family Guy, and owns a copy of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Very rare find…
That being said there were some common sense rules that I thought I would share with everyone out there when seeing me on the town with my hot girl.
Hot girl etiquette:
1) To the guy that thought he would win my hot girls heart by grabbing her ass while we were out for a night of Salsa: Don’t do that again, you will get punched again. Her job is to live up to most of the unrealistic expectations that I have for a woman and my job is to punch assholes like you.
ADVICE: Learn to dance and be nice. If you are friendly and are respectful then I will let you dance with my hot girl. I will watch you though and if you get out of place I still reserve the right to punch you. Then, after dancing, if you are nice then I will tell her to hook you up with one of her flexible, beautiful, fun loving, dancing hot girl friends.
2) Please refrain from shouting things at my hot girl when you are driving by. That one is just silly. If you want to talk to my hot girl then talk to her. Don’t shout that you want to have breakfast off of that ass out of the passenger side of your friends range rover. If you stop at a light where I do not have to leave my hot girl unattended for too long then you will be punched too. After I punch you then I will take your advice and have a nice meal off of her well rounded, toned, dancer’s booty.
ADVICE: Actually try talking to a hot girl instead of shouting at mine from afar. Or, if the food thing is your fetish then try CL I am sure you will find someone who will rather enjoy having pancakes eaten off her back side. It would also help you to try focusing on something other than ass and food.
3) Stop trying to talk my hot girl out of being with me, it won’t work. Also, stop thinking she is only with me because she has not met you yet. We have a strong connection and we were friends for about a year before we started dating. I have a head start on you. Also, I am attractive, self confident, active in the performing arts, took salsa and meringue lessons for two years, self employed, worked in fashion, build furniture as a hobby, taught martial arts through college, and don’t smoke. You are out matched, and as I said before I still reserve the right to punch you.
ADVICE: Ask my hot girl if she has some hot girl friends. She does, and she will be happy to hook you up if you are polite and have something to talk about aside from yelling stuff at the TV in a bar if your team is not winning. It helps if you are into some type of fine arts or other form of expression too.
4) Bartenders and Servers: Please do not stop giving my hot girl free stuff and flirting with her out of respect for me. Place her napkin in her lap; tell her she looks beautiful, give her free shots, and so on… This saves me money. It also makes her feel even sexier and that puts her in a naughty mood. I ask this one as a personal favor. I will tip you well so do not worry. I will also request you every time we come in and I’ll tell your boss that you were the best server/bartender we ever had. See, we all win! I get naughty hot girl sex and you get a great tip and a compliment to your boss!
5) To the guys who try to push up on my hot girl when I am in the bathroom. I don’t understand this one either but hey lets roll with it. Does that ever work? Of course it doesn’t, so why risk the punching? Let’s save your face and my knuckles.
ADVICE: When I return buy me a drink also. As long as she does not give me the secret signal you are cool and will not be punched. Along those lines, the chances of you getting punched greatly decreases when you purchase a drink for both of us and engage us both in conversation. Then, the next round is on me! This may lead to hot girl friend hook ups too.
6) To the ladies who approach me about threesomes. Please keep in mind that my hot girl has been dancing since she was 5 and is in very very good shape. She is not above punching you if you do not approach this with respect.
ADVICE: ASK HER AND NOT ME! I can not emphasize this enough. If you approach me about this subject there is a very good chance of punching and possible hair pulling/smacking depending on your bed side manner (pardon the pun). When it comes to the threesome thing the less I know the better.
7) To the guys who approach me about threesomes. You get off with a warning. I figure it takes some real balls to approach a guy and basically say you want to bang him and his girl. Also, I figure you get punched all the time and so someone else will get to you soon enough.
ADVICE: Only ask once. Upon hearing the second invitation the punching will commence.
8) Ladies: Please no catty stares at my hot girl.
ADVICE: Be nice, smile, and talk about strappy sandals. That way I can talk with my friends without asking her what the weird look is for only to find out some chick gave her the skunk eye. She is very nice and down to earth. Also, if you two hit it off she may teach you swing, salsa, meringue, and tango for free on a lazy afternoon over some mimosas. The fact is I need you ladies because there are only so many compliments between punchings that I can give her on her shoes and nails.
9) To the old men who are not too subtle about looking at my hot girl. It is hard not to notice when you are using the assistance of a walker and you crane your neck all the way around to gaze at my hot girl’s dancer booty. Or if we are in the grocery store and you run your cart into the bread aisle.
ADVICE: Go ahead and look. You are old and I don’t mind. Just try to keep the pervert expressions to a minimum.
10) Ignorant/indecent proposal guys. Look, I am glad you have money. It is really obvious when you invite us to your beach house what you are implying. You better watch how you say your ignorant proposal though or I will punch out your veneers and fold that annoying ass collar down.
ADVICE: Go hire a pro. I am sure they will be impressed and down with whatever twisted things you are into out there. “One cosmopolitan and a roofie-colada please!”
So if you know anyone who has been recently punched by a tall blonde guy with a really hot brunette send this on to him and maybe he will see what he did wrong. If he does not after reading this then I guess I will see him at the next punching.
Also, if you know anyone who displays the above behavior warranting a punching please send this on as a warning.
If you could do this as a favor to me I would really appreciate it. To be honest with all of you, my knuckles are pretty sore and I would like to be able to write legibly again.
Punch Drunk Lover