best of craigslist > washington, DC > Listen up, Craigslisters: you're all fucking retarded, but it's ok
Originally Posted: 2005-03-09 1:55am

Listen up, Craigslisters: you're all fucking retarded, but it's ok

In the beginning, Craig created the list, and he saw that it was good. Now the list was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the list, and Craig was hovering over the void. And Craig said, "Let there be a place for people to solicit sex online," and there was a place for people to solicit sex online. Craig saw that soliciting sex online was good, and he separated soliciting sex online with the rest of the meaningless, worthless posts of people trying to do worthless things, like buy and sell things or find a job. And craig called the solicing sex online 'Casual Encounters'.

So, I've basically been a craigslist reader since the beginning. I've browsed the multiple cities, done a lot of reading, but never really gotten anything from it. Oh, I've posted, and I've replied to posts, but I've never gotten a reply. (But as a guy posting/replying to personals, I understandable.)

Recently, an ex girlfriend mentioned that she had posted to casual encounters, gotten about a hundred replies (which is expected), but hadn't consumated anything because of this. This, in and of itself astounded me. It astounded me even more because this ex girlfriend has always been (since our 'mutual break up') a 'oh, boys are never attracted to me' person. I took this astoundment curiosity and asked her for the replies to her post. After reading them, and being further astounded, I then asked all my friends, which I am always recommending craigslist to, about their experiences. I basically have the 'statistics' from a number of women and men who gracefully forwarded all of their post replies (over 2000 messages) and described their experiences to me. These are my finding/comments:

Guys: just stop replying to posts; it's hopeless. My lesbian friends say they get about thirty replies from men, on average, to their w4w posts. Do you understand what that means, statistically? Basically, if a post is more than six minutes old, you're too late. Did I say six minutes? What I mean was, if you hit reload every second of the day, you still could never be the first person to reply to a w4m post (statistically speaking.) Also, stop replying with stupid one liners, like 'please e mail me back' (I thought of other one liners to put here, but that's what they all basically boil down to. Listen; if getting free sex were that easy, someone would've told you about it. It's not like there's this magical website where all you have to do is send a blank e mail somewhere, and women'll have sex with you, but nobody's told you about it. Seriously. Think about it. It's just embarrassing. To you. And nobody wants to see your penis. It's not like there's people out there who need pictures of dick, and not only can't they find already available dick, but they're unable to find new dick.) Also, your penis is disgusting. Seriously. It turns women off. They know what a penis pump is. They know what one looks like after using one. It's not natural, or normal. Women have seen penises before. I've seen penises before. And there's something seriously wrong with yours. From what I can tell, about 50% of guys send unsolicited dick picks where they've used a penis pump. I've never heard a woman describe an unsolicited dick pic as a good thing. The pic that you obviously took of yourself, sitting in your chair, where you just undid your fly and got half of an erection does not stimulate thoughts of good sex in the female mind. If your a woman, and someone sends you an unsolicited picture of their dick, please repost it and make fun of it. This fucked up shit has got to stop. Also, I know that this has been brough up a zillion times, but let's rehash, since there's at least a thousand people (and I am speaking real, factual, I've seen the numbers here) that haven't heard this: If someone tells you to send a pic when replying, send a pic. "How about tomorrow night?" is not a worthwhile reply. Animals have a built in mating dance. If you can't do the dance, you don't get to mate. It's called natural selection. Wise up.

Women: you're just as fucked up as the guys. Stop kidding yourselves. I'm sorry that nobody seems to realize this. I didn't realize it until I read through a couple hundred of your replies. I mean, I expected more from you gals. When a girl posts a w4m, she gets approximately 200 replies. 90% of them are 'automatic rejects', as in "here's my dick, maybe if I send you a picture of it, you'll some how magically appear in front of me and have sex with me." (These are all, obviously bad generalizations. I'm drunk. I'm coming up with the best abstract thought that my dendrites can churn out. Churn. Like butter.) The other 10% consist of obsurd erotic stories. When a guy posts a w4m, he gets zero replies. When a girl posts a w4w, she gets the afore mentioned guys who can't follow instructions, and one liner replies from women. (Again, I'm generalizing. Drunk. Dendrites. Butter.) But seriously, women's replies to posts aren't any better than men. Except for the lack penises. I think that women would included penises in their responses, except that they don't have any. (I mean, why don't you gals just grab some penis pics online and include them with your replies? You know you want to.) I'll have to admit that women's replies were generally creative and sassy, but they were still mostly stupid one liners. I mean, look at some of the wonderful w4m posts women make. The posts are so much better than the replies, basically. It's all hopeless.

So, in conclusion, men shouldn't post ads, and women should only reply to ads. (I'm not thinging about homosexuality here. I didn't have much data for them. God bless the homos. They seem to get everything right, especially soliciting sex online.)

This is only my opinion, I may be right or wrong.

And if you are a woman and happen to enjoy sleeping, eating, or procreation, we may have some things in common. Feel free to drop me a line. Only if you're hot, though.


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