Rave: I love you, Average Boyfriend.
i wish i could tell you all these things in person, but you, like all average men, do not like to be thought of as average.
before you, i dated a variety of better looking, more intelligent, more sensitive, classier, more popular, funnier persons. you are not the 'most---' or 'best--' anything, except this: i love you.
you've got a bit of a beer belly, and crooked teeth, but you have great eyes and a nice face. your dick is a little bent to one side, but it's pretty big. not huge, mind you, just on the big side of average. you're a little rough around the edges when it comes to some things, and you've embarrassed me more than once in front of my more cultured friends. but when you discovered i was a prissy liberal blue-stater at heart, you started making hesitant comments like 'so i think bush is like, screwing us.'
i don't know why it's so hard for you to remember to buy me diet coke at the supermarket--it's right beside the regular coke. but you didn't blink an eye when we moved in together and i banned whole milk from the house. thanks, man. you look at porn a lot, and you try to hide it by erasing the history. but i'm more tech-savvy than you... it's endearing that you go through all that trouble to hide that you're looking at nothing but boobies. sometimes you search for funny things. i love you, average boyfriend.
average boyfriend, it annoys me that you have come to expect me to prepare not only all of our meals together, but also to wake up early and make your breakfast, to pack your lunch, and cook an extra snack for you at two in the morning. but average boyfriend, you always eat it. even when it's burned, and i know it's burned, and you know it's burned, and you know that i know that you know it sucks. i love you, average boyfriend.
you're an ass when you're drunk, average boyfriend. but so am i, so we'll leave that one alone.
you aren't very polished. you don't know the names of any of my favorite authors. you watch too much t.v., and you're really messy. you ask me to make macaroni and cheese and pasta salad with dinner. you only like both with the 'shell-shaped' pasta. you leave little hairs all over the sink after you shave in the morning. you try to read my email over my shoulder, and you think you're stylish, but you aren't.
i don't love you in spite of all of these things, average boyfriend. i love you because of them. i love everything about you, average boyfriend. especially the way you love me, your narcissistic, moody, snobby girlfriend who spent way too much of the last 8 months acting like she's better than you.
so, to all the average boyfriends out there who put their girl on a pedestal, but still get bitched at for buying full fat cheese, or forgetting to take out the trash, or leaving the towels on the floor...
she just might appreciate you a lot more than she shows. girls are like that... we get a little insecure, too.
maybe you aren't so average, after all.
this is in or around virginia