Originally Posted: 2004-09-24 3:13pm
Re: TO THE ASSHOLE WHO BURNED MY ARM
Once when I lived in Indiana, I threw a Marlboro out the window of my Camaro and it landed in this Amish dudes stupid buggy.
He gets all excited about it, screaming "Ye smoker, ye suck!! Come hither and I will smite thee! Ye are an ass!" and even "Thy Camaro is a shitty chick car!!" - all crazy and even the damn horse looked pissed when I floored it and watched them get tiny el pronto, Tonto, in the rearview while I gave them both the finger out of the sunroof and laughed until I started to cough violently and had to use my inhaler again.
Some Abe Lincoln dressing dumbass driving a one-horse wooden box trying to tell me about cars. Please, Yoder. Check out these sweet chrome Playboy mudflaps.
So the next day I'm stopped at a red light and I hear this noise, like a bunch of horses galloping, right? So I look in the rearview mirror and jesus! There's a bunch of horses galloping! A whole tribe of these crazy Amish fuckers on horseback galloping up the road towards me, waving pitchforks and salad tongs and one of the new lightweight plastic leaf rakes from Lowes that wouldn't hurt you really but looks scary as hell anyway.
I give them a big fat middle finger and crank up the Van Halen, smash the gas to the floor and brace for launch, knowing the Yoder Bros Gang is about to get tiny once again. Stupid Amish, will they never learn?
Nothing. Stupid Camaro stalled. Man they drug me out of my own sunroof and beat me like a slutty mule that wouldn't plow. Then they tied me behind one of the horses and paraded me down Main Street, making me smoke ten Marlboros at once.
I think it looked really stupid but they seemed to like it, so whatever.
Then they got me drunk on Amish Whiskey and tried to hook me up with one those big Amish chicks, but I said "No thee hell I won't. I sayeth unto ye, not a damn chance in hell I'm doing some chick who looks like John Goodman in a floor-length tablecloth."
"Nay?" they said, snickering at me as I looked up at the Amish chick.
"You're goddamned right NAY you Little House On the Prarie bastards.." I said.
They laughed and laughed and we all lit up a couple of Amish home-rolled cigarettes, finished off the whiskey and watched the John Goodman chick wrestle a truck driver to the ground in the parking lot. But she let him go.
Finally I said thanks for teaching me a valuable lesson and hell, showing me a damn good time in the process, and crawled back to my sissy Camaro, which started and did not stall again even once during my drive to the emergency room for treatment.
But I never burned my arm.
To Mr smoker in the Big brown shitty smelly old Chevy van:
thanks for throwing your fucking cigarette out your window. it flew into my sunroof and burned my fucking arm. it's a REALLL FUCKING HEALTHY HABIT, SO JUST WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS BEAUTIFUL DAY EVEN MORE GORGEOUS FOR ME
ASSHOLE. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!
and PS i know i'm going to get flamed from other smokers, but i'm sorry - i am PISSED right now.