Things I did on the Metro.
I went and bought some perfume. Stinky perfume. Nasty, funky, cheap whorehouse perfume. From Avon, of course.
Whenever someone wouldn't get out of my way on the escalators, (after I would advise them Stand on the Right, Walk on the Left), I'd whip out my Funk Spray and let them have a squirt.
I'd do it on the Metro itself, too. When someone would sit down next to me, and wouldn't let me get up to get off the train, well, here's some perfume. Have a nice day now, asshole. That was also good for people who had nasty, funky BO. And I carried mints: if someone had nuclear halitosis, I'd offer them a mint. I wouldn't do that to be mean, though. That was just to make my 35 minute commute a little easier.
And my all time favorite: (this is for the men who would be rude and obnoxious by not letting an older person sit down, or not letting someone get out of the seat -- do NOT just turn your fucking knees to the side and make me step over your dumb ass) I'd smear some bright, whore-red lipstick on their shirt collar. Always much funnier if they were wearing a ring.
If these tourist fuckers have kids that they would let act like wild animals on the metro, they'd get some perfume. Usually, right in the face.
One time, a tourist woman left her suitcase sitting on a seat during rush hour. It was taking up both seats. She, however, found a place to sit in the back of the car. Fucking rush hour. And her suitcase needed to sit down.
First, I asked who it belonged to. She didn't answer. So, I picked it up, and at the next stop, I put it off the train. She answered then. Boy, she was pissed. But I got a seat.
And for all those dumb fucks who stick their arm or leg into the door, trying to stop the doors from closing (like an elevator)...
You deserve to be dragged down the platform. I saw that once, at Metro Center. This guy stuck his arm in the door; and the train took off. It got a few feet before the screaming got the conductors attention. He stopped, opened the doors. Dumb ass fucker stuck his LEG in the door (he really wanted to catch that train, because, you know, there's NEVER GOING TO BE ANOTHER ONE), and he got dragged again. He finally got the message, and stayed on the platform waiting for the next train.
And he had the nerve to get pissed off because I was laughing at him. Of course, I was sitting down on the platform giggling hysterically, but damn. Don't get mad at me for laughing at your dumb ass.
this is in or around The Red Line