To the Naked Guy at the Gym
Dear Older Man Sitting next to me in the Sauna Yesterday,
Normally, I have no problem with male nudity at the gym. It usually lasts for brief moments, and because I am in the midst of changing, it seldom even crosses my eye. Likewise, I have little problem with large overweight men walking about in their underwear. Though I am in shape now, I know one day I might not be, but may still want to work out on occasion. And as long as the semi-nakedness is brief, I can deal.
However, yesterday, you made me witness to something so horrifying that I must profess both my disgust and my anger.
Now, I never used to be a big sauna guy. It was always weights, cardio, and out. But lately I’ve been using the sauna for 5-10 minutes. It relaxes me, loosens my muscles, and gives me a chance to read the paper. And though almost-naked older men often frequent the sauna, they usually take pains to cover up and show a little humility. And I appreciate that; the gym I go to is very straight, and we men are respectful, usually, of the physical limits.
You were sitting there, in the sauna, when I walked in. At first, I thought I had caught you in mid-towel fold. All 6’3”, 300 lbs. of you sat, naked, on one of the benches, exposed to the world with no perceived qualms. And you had, in the height of rudeness, no barrier between your large and clearly flabby ass and the bench it lay upon. Okay, so you were naked, old, and flabby. I did my best to look down, avoid any sort of eye contact, and read my paper. But the sauna at the gym is small, so it was not such an easy proposition.
But what you did next was truly, truly disgusting and rude. The most disgusting and rude thing I have seen or heard at the gym—and this is a gym that features One Nipple guy, Funk-master Flex (the smell when he flexes is OFF THE CHAIN), annoying muscle bound Jimi Hendrix singer, and a whole bevy of women in inappropriately tight clothing.
There are sounds I don’t like to hear: people puking, high pitched crying, the trash man at 6 AM. But the sounds of you squeezing your corpulent flesh, and removing the sweat on your arms, chest, and god knows where else through a process similar to wringing out a mop—this sound will haunt me forever. There is no way of adequately describing it; the closest thing I can think of is rubbing ridiculous amounts of lotion on to a half inflated beach ball. Oddly, you created this sound with no lotion, and with the simple accompaniment of your moans ( that made me think you were squeezing something else). Oh, and the ultimately rude, cringe inducing refrain: you flicking your discarded sweat ONTO THE HEATER.
Now, I haven’t thought to comment on your smell (it’s a sauna, it is naturally sweaty) or other aspects of your appearance, though one wonders what how often you go to the gym. But the act of flicking your sweat is truly wrong. Compounded by your blatant nudity, bare ass on the bench, and squelching flesh symphony, I was seconds away from an outburst. And I am much smaller than you, but by the looks of it in much better shape.
Unfortunately, my plans of an outburst were dashed when you mercifully left the sauna.
Of course, you left the sauna to sit, naked, on a chair in the shower area, reading the paper. I am truly sorry for the poor souls that had to see that. Sir, you disgust me.
A Normally Accepting Gym Goer