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I trim. I mow the lawn up top to basically look like a pizza slice with a bite taken out. I use clippers for this.
As for the balls and taint I have set up a system that helps me shave them without getting bumps or redness.
I took a balloon, blew it up, lathered it, and then practiced shaving it until I could do so with a surgeon’s precision. It took practice but I finally felt that I had it down after several tries, one crying spell, and the Rocky theme playing in the background.
So I decided last night would be my first ball shaving with the new technique.
So I get naked, do a shot of bourbon, and then strip. Oh shit, the blinds! Okay close them after waving to my neighbor and proceed to ground zero… my bathroom.
Once in the bathroom I put on a headband and start shouting slogans at myself in the mirror.
“Fuck yeah bitch it’s going down”
“Look at you! Is that even hair? Who would want you?”
“Yall fuckers are gonna be smooth!” pointing to my wiry sack.
Out with the bad air…in with the good.
Okay so the tools are now all laid out. Three different razors. Gillette shaving cream. Water is running and Norah Jones is in the CD player. I don’t know why but her voice makes me want to shave my balls. But I digress.
I splash a little cold water on my eggs so the bag will shrivel up. Good, nice and tight.
My hands are shaking like leaves. Drip of sweat coming from my brow, and you bitches questioned the headband; I go in for the first hover stroke.
I can’t do it.
I drop the razor and pace. Fuck! All this prep work! All my training! All those popped balloons!
Do it for the balloons kid, for the balloons. The voice in my head was familiar. Mickey?
I grab the razor (cue inspirational music… you’re the best, arooound. Nothin’ in the world can keep you down!)
I have never spoken in tongues or had an out of body experience but this is what I imagine it is like. I was hitting angles that I never thought possible. I was upside down at one point.
I woke up speaking Latin and had two leg nuggets as smooth as silk. The phone had shaving cream and a couple of pubes on it and there was no more bourbon.
Today, my friends, I have the smoothest sack in DC. It feels like that Viagra commercial when that guy got his confidence back. I am walking into rooms just eager to show my newly shorn sack.
New haircut? Nope, shaved my balls! Did you get that promotion? Nope, silky sack!
You’re the best, around. Nothin’ in the world can keep you down. You’re the best around…..
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