Originally Posted: 2006-06-28 10:07am

F you Metro Rail

Dear Metro, fuck you. It took me 40 minutes this morning to go 4 stations, why, why, why… The trains are over packed and the shear amount of human stench was enough to make me consider prying the door open and jumping on the tracks! Lot of good that would have done because the train was not FUCKIN moving so I would have ended up ruining a nice suit by laying in a pool of Metro worker piss, if you ever roll through Le Enfant plaza during the summer you know the piss smell I am talking about. Metro employees are rude and most of the time they do not even know what is going on. Equipment is old; I would venture to say the most out dated in the country. Shit, who thought putting carpet on a commuter train operated in a tourist Mecca was a good idea? You douche bags really just help DC already fucked up image… And you stupid ass tourists. The Monuments are not going to get up and walk away and if you leave your hotel after 9:00 AM I promise you there will be plenty of room to stand in front of the Capitol and talk about how it looks bigger in pictures. Give up a break during rush hour…

Husband: Hey honey, let’s pack up the family and go spend a week in our Nations Capitol!!! I hear the National Mall is a veritable waste basket riddled with homeless and if we are lucky we might see someone getting mugged next to the entrance of the Smithsonian Metro.

Wife: Wow honey that sounds great. We work long and hard all year to maintain our just above poverty status and a family trip to see where all of our moral value and sensible legislation derives from would just show the children that no matter how hard they work, they will never really get ahead. I say we go for it.

Son: Gee whiz mom, Billy and his family went to Washington, DC last summer and he said they saw rats eating what looked like toe nail clippings off the floor on the train! Uhhh, if I see a rat can I keep him? Can I, huh mom can I please?

Daughter: Ewww your gross little brother! Like if I see a rat on the train I am going to like tell a Metro employee and I am sure they will like go down the train and kill it. They would have to because it is like, a public safety issue or something.

Father: Now now children enough bickering, and Sally do not set your expectations so high. You see, Metro has carpet floors that have collected years of filth similar to sewer in New York City. When you factor in weather, people eating and the occasional toe nail clipper you are going to get rats. It is to be expected and Metro is capable enough to deal with a grave situation. Gosh, when I was there on business I had a pleasant ride on the train! And despite a lingering smell of rotten milk and the windows being smeared with grease from people who rest their heads on them it was a most enjoyable ride.

Mother: We could rent a car!

Father: Ha-ha do not be silly honey. I heard from old man Tucker at the General Store that people in the DC area cannot drive. If it is sunny, raining, dark, morning or if there is just the appropriate amount of oxygen in the air to sustain human life people in the area freak out and cause delays that span for miles.

Son: I sure am looking forward to my vacation to DC this year. Maybe with any luck I can find a shirt that says “FBI” on it so I can wear it all the time and people will think I am a cool secret agent.

Daughter: Like totally, I really hope I can find a pink shirt that says “I love DC.” Like everyone will be so jealous of me and the concept of saying “I love” a certain city has NEVER been used before.

Wife: Well we are going to have a splendid time and let’s make sure we walk side by side all the time so the locals get all pissed off because they cannot get to their office or their lunch meetings.

Father: It is a plan family… We are going to DC and it will be the best family vacation ever! Family hug…

  • this is in or around The entire Metro system
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post id: 176317872

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