Tired of old-fashioned religious doctrines banning all the stuff you like to do, such as stealing office supplies and jerking off to the image of your neighbor's hot teenage daughter? Relax! You, as an American, are entitled to a PERSONAL GOD. He will give you unconditional love no matter how big a fucking loser you are.
QR Code Link to This Post
Cheated on your taxes? Lied to your kids? Fucked a small animal? It's okay! Your I-God will forgive you the second you whisper a heart-felt apology into its microphone. Then it will promise you eternal life in Heaven and divine justice here on earth.
Is it time to rally the troops for an unnecessary war? Your I-God is on YOUR side, no matter who you are! Talk about win-win situations! Feel guilty about that abortion you had, or the fact that the Koran recommends stoning for active gays like you? Relax! It's all good. You are forgiven. You are loved no matter how big a sack of shit you are.
I-God is nondenominational and nonjudgmental. He spends all his time trying to please you with nice things like 52" plasma televisions and carbon-fiber golf clubs. No need to pray to Him, attend a house of worship, or read a stuffy old religious text full of outdated rules and big words. It's you, you, you all the time, you big dummy.
So head to your local Mac Store and quench that existential angst! We'll also throw in the I-M Right rationalizer: it will justify your behavior whether it's cutting off a school bus in traffic or slipping the knockwurst to your sister-in-law. All rights, no responsibility, all the fucking time. God bless America.