Who Crapped in my Washing Machine?
That said, there are some things even the horrors of the increasingly territorial streets offer little recompense for. The first instance occurred on the Orange line to Vienna. Not that I think it mattered which direction you were headed since I'm pretty sure you had been on the train for well over an hour in both directions. I'm not sure what posessed you to shit your pants, but I know dietary needs are really more of a luxury in the pawed through repositories of the District, but considering the fact that you were bent over the back of a handicapped seat with your pants and what remained of your underpants around your ankles, shit smear all over your ass Rorschach test-style, I imagine it might have been drug-induced. I just wanted to let you know I think the city enjoys seeing its denizens bent T-style backwards, analyzing their inner-most psyches as you enjoy a few z's and dribble defecation floorward, your proud anus presented for the whole world to see. It certainly didn't look comfortable, so I have no idea how you passed out, but recommend from now on that if you have to drop the deuce, you do so in one of the designated areas for homeless lavatory purposes, i.e. the seats that are tinted glass directly to the back of the car. Certain noises also provide warning, allowing passengers to not belt out, "Oh god!" and stare as they enter. Privacy does wonders for the bowels as well.....
Most importantly, crapping all over public transportation makes people not want to support the homeless when they see their money is obviously going towards an undisputable smack habit. And poo-smears is just not good form for reminding folks about their yearly tythe.
Secondly, to the guy who crapped in my washing machine.....I only blame you partly. If the managers at my building (located on New Hampshire Ave.) knew any better, they probably would lock the door directly facing the street since all the others are locked. However, this door leads directly to the laundry facilities. After a nice long day of work, and just paying my ungodly rent, I decided it might be nice to have some fresh socks to wear for the remainder of the week. I set my load (after working for an hour to get the mafioso-style vending/washing machine to finally work) and retired for a quick bite. I returned a half hour later to you sitting on the machine, crapping into my full load of laundry. Interestingly enough, the first words that came out of my mouth when I walked in the laundry room was, "Excuse me." I then shut the door, walked out, realized what was going on and gave you the "business" through the closed door. Now I'm not going to hit someone already down on their luck, but did you have to crap in a FULL laundry machine? What about just in the hallway? Anywhere? One of the great things about the outdoors is that it's nature's latrine. I know you've had to improvise before, how about now?
And finally, to the guy who chased me through Dupont with a bicycle chain, Thanks! I really was just trying to be helpful. I'd seen you there before and know you really wanted money. One of the things I've learned though, is the tough love of giving. So when I offered to give you food, i.e. the banana I was carrying, I was just trying to be helpful. I didn't notice that the homeless of the city had started putting "clauses" on their signs. Sure enough, your sign that said "Homeless, please help" did have in somewhat smaller and illegible writing, "no fruit," but was I really to notice? I also couldn't help noticing that you had put on a few extra lbs., so I was wary that you might not really need the money as much as you insinuated, but apparently something about bananas really sets you off. I enjoyed running in my bullshit, slippery work shoes through the park and past a million hot interns, Thanks! I'll be sure to have exact change for you next time, don't worry....
Again, sorry to have put all of you out. I know how much a good crap can really make your day, but I'm just hoping my fellow citizens might help you keep in mind some important tips. You represent the community! try to stay conscious while you crap! If you must crap in a washing machine, people that have stuff prefer it if you don't crap on their clothing, we need to wear it. And finally, there the old saying, "beggers can't be choosers." Unfortunate, but true. If you are looking for handouts, make sure that the print you use on the contract I have to sign before giving you my hard earned money is a) legible and b) big enough to notice, otherwise we won't be sure which kind of help you're really after. The more specific, the better, people love to be bossed around as they lend a helping hand. And thanks for swinging that chain wildly and screaming, not at all a terrifying way to start a bleary morning....what fun!
Cheers friends. Thanks for terrorizing me/my washing machine/and my daily commute! I never know where you'll strike next, fun!